The Pun appreciation thread!

admiralofthefleet

I was out fishing yesterday when, out of the blue, my girlfriend texted me telling me she was breaking up with me.

I was left reeling

dak

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

I was out fishing yesterday when, out of the blue, my girlfriend texted me telling me she was breaking up with me.

I was left reeling

Was she the big giangantic one that got Away then ????????

chughes

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

I was out fishing yesterday when, out of the blue, my girlfriend texted me telling me she was breaking up with me.

I was left reeling

Don't worry. There's plenty more fish in the sea.

Porkpie

Two fishermen were in a boat out in the open sea. Next minute, a huge hand emerges from the water, moves slowly to the left, then all the way to the right.

One of the fishermen says:





"Wow, did you see the size of that wave?!!"

Porkpie

A large delivery of wigs fell off a truck on to a main road causing traffic chaos. Police are said to be combing the area.

dak

Beautifully manicured lawns are highly sod after.

dak

A thief broke into the local Garda station and stole all the lavatory equipment. When asked whether they had a break in the case, a spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on

Porkpie

Someone drilled a hole into the wall of the ladies' shower room. Police are looking into it.

dak

Cannibals who eat missionaries will automatically get a taste of religion.

dak

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

dak

I've made up my mind to re-lay my lawn. It was a turf decision.

chughes

Next Christmas, the big pantomime in town is going to have a golf theme to it.
It will be called Woods in the Babes.

dak

chughes wrote: »

Next Christmas, the big pantomime in town is going to have a golf theme to it.
It will be called Woods in the Babes.

Well putt

dak

I’ve been reading something very interesting — Stephen Hawking’s latest book about anti-gravity.
.
.
.
.

I just can’t put it down.

chughes

dak wrote: »

Well putt

Thanks, Dak. It's just par for the course for the type of golf puns I like to tell.

dak

chughes wrote: »

Thanks, Dak. It's just par for the course for the type of golf puns I like to tell.

Glad to get you out of the rough! Its the only fairway !

Cicero

Haven't been watching Sky (alternative) Sports lately so I've lost count....is Woods on the nineteenth hole yet?

Micilin Muc

A visiting specialist is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa’ your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o’ the puddin’ race,
Aboon them a’ ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

The specialist is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an’ canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an’ we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the specialist moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin’, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa’ sae hastie,
Wi’ bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, the visitor turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

dak

Fire Crews rushed to Stormont Castle following news that Visiting Irish Polititians had tried to set fire to the building ... However they soon retreated when Brian and Gerry rushed out with their 2 Armalites .

dak

“I've just realized that tofu is over-rated, it's just a curd to me.”

Thomas828

When I was in the army I tried to brighten up the officers' pub by planting flower seeds all around. All I got was a blooming mess!

dak

I got expelled from school years ago after telling our cross eyed teacher she couldn't control her pupils !

grrrrrrrrrr

Did you hear about the trouble at the excavation site in Wales? A spokesman came out and assured the public it was just a miner incident

Beanstalk

Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Dubai don't like the flintstones, but Abu Dhabi doo......

Glenster

What's worse than a cardboard box?

Paper tits!

dak

No one ever wants to babysit the naughty atom, they always have to keep an ion it.

dak

I asked the bartender for a drink . She told me the drink was non-alcoholic, but where was the proof?

Beanstalk

Why is Europe like a frying pan?

Because theres always Greece at the bottom....

ART6

What's the female equivalent of a cricketer's box?



A manhole cover.

Fago!

What are the worst puns you've seen on the news or a newspaper?

I was just watching Sky News and heard them use terrible puns.

When trailing the "Terry/Bridges" story:

"Coming up, find out if Wayne "built Bridges" with his old mate John Terry........ Cuts to a clip of them not shaking hands......"

then trailing a story about the Ireland & England rugby match while showing a clip of Johnny Wilkinson training.........

"As the England team prepare to take on Ireland at Twickenham, will "Johnny be good?"......"

Or in the Sun newspaper, showing a picture Zinadine Zidane loafing that Italian football player:

"There's a murder on Zidane's Floor....."

*cringes*

Anymore you can think of?