The Pun appreciation thread!

Rolotomasee

Ok...deep breath...


What's worse is if your plane gets sick and you have to make an unscheduled stop in some tiny little airport in the middle of nowhere. You could be waiting ages if they don't have departure looking for.


Thank you!

Homer

I heard Rolotomasee's model airplane hobby really took off.

dak

Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's just plane food.

Al_Fernz

Did anybody hear about the plane that crashed into the house. Apparently, somebody left the landing light on.

el_barty

Did you hear about the scandal involving the new Taoiseach and the baby food factory? The press are calling it...



Cowengate

Homer

The guards are going to surround the new Taoiseach Brian Cowen with dozens of cows...



They are trying to beef up security :pac:

dak

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

dak

You're american outside the bathroom, but inside, european.

Al_Fernz

dak wrote: »

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Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

Did you quit or did they give you the boot??

el_barty

"I used to work in a toothpaste factory, but I got sacked for dropping the toothpaste tubes," said Tom, crestfallen.

Anyone else know any good Tom Swifties? Here's a few of my favourites:

"Can you help me find the bananas?" Tom asked fruitlessly
"Are you homosexual?" Tom queried gaily
"Aha! This must be an aerobics class!" Tom worked out
"The doctor says I'm missing a left ventricle and a left aorta" Tom said half-heartedly.

dak

Al_Fernz wrote: »

Did you quit or did they give you the boot??

I got laced and kicked the clogs !

Beanstalk

'This lemon sorbet is horrible!' said Tom, frostily.
'Man I'm loving this burger' said Tom, with relish.
'Balls!' Tom said roundly.
'That little devil didn't tell the truth,' Tom implied.
'Wow that wave was freakin' awesome man, like, totally tubular' said Tom, woahfully....

el_barty

Beanstalk wrote: »

'This lemon sorbet is horrible!' said Tom, frostily.

If he was eating it from a chemistry beaker, it would have been an acid retort.

Al_Fernz

dak wrote: »

I got laced and kicked the clogs !

What a load of cobblers.

Al_Fernz

"I love having red hair - the ladies really dig it," said Tom, gingerly.

dak

"I only have diamonds, clubs and spades," said Tom heartlessly

dak

Al_Fernz wrote: »

What a load of cobblers.

Serious joke

Hagar

Won't somebody please think of the chilled wren?

I was feeling hot and bothered as I robbed the bank until the the policeman said "freeze!".

Panda

Groucho Marx classic...

"time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana"

Hagar

A couple had two children, a boy and a girl, who both turned out to be gay. At first they remained closeted, but they were both musicians, and when they found themselves quasi-famous, they feared being exposed in the press and decided it was better if they were forthcoming about their sexuality. The daughter has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon in which she plans to introduce her life partner to the press and tell the world she's a lesbian. And the son'll come out tomorrow.

horsecrap

shay given won man of the match with a remarkable amount of saves to keep a clean sheet:

Shay Given Not Stirred

oobydooby

Hagar wrote: »

And the son'll come out tomorrow.

homophoney

It BeeMee

Hagar wrote: »

A couple had two children, a boy and a girl, who both turned out to be gay. At first they remained closeted, but they were both musicians, and when they found themselves quasi-famous, they feared being exposed in the press and decided it was better if they were forthcoming about their sexuality. The daughter has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon in which she plans to introduce her life partner to the press and tell the world she's a lesbian. And the son'll come out tomorrow.

Annie idea what time?

dak

It BeeMee wrote: »

Annie idea what time?

ASCII silly question, Get a silly ANSI

Al_Fernz

I hear if you want to improve your diet to build more muscle that protein supplements are the whey to go.

Beanstalk

apparently being unhealthily overweight is no weigh to live, i don't care though, because i'm a gluten for punishment...

Thrill

What are the chances of me coming up with a pun about being overweight?

Slim.

el_barty

On the subject of food, ever noticed how many pop songs are about cannibalism?

The Smiths: "Girlfriend in a Korma"; not heeding Phil Collins' warning, "You Can't Curry Love"
Bob Marley: "No woman, no pie"
Sometimes they were the victims as well: Elton John pleaded to Kiki Dee, "Don't Go Baking My Heart", while Madonna sang, in Evita, "Don't Fry [for] Me Argentina." Westlife seemed to welcome it - "You Braise Me [Up]" - pity no-one took them up on the offer

Like Duran Duran, they all seemed to be "Hungry Like the Wolf". Maybe they should've followed Vanessa Williams' example, who would always... "Save the Best till Last"

Any more ideas?

RadioCity

'Meatloaf' : I would do anything for grub (but I won't do rat)

Denise Williams: Lets hear it for the boil

Forgive me, I'm steamin' at the minute...:)

Thrill

RadioCity wrote: »

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Forgive me, I'm steamin' at the minute...:)

Why?

Well, why?

Why the hell are you steaming?

I'm sorry, but I really have to grill you over this.

RadioCity

Would you oven be that agressive?

passive

http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=55971587&postcount=15

Homer

RadioCity wrote: »

Would you oven be that agressive?

If we keep at it, we may turnip a good pun.

I doubt it, though I can really 'ear the corn.

I hope no one poaches any of these yolks.

I'll quit now, and let things simmer for awhile...

dak

industria wrote: »

If we keep at it, we may turnip a good pun.

I doubt it, though I can really 'ear the corn.

I hope no one poaches any of these yolks.

I'll quit now, and let things simmer for awhile...

If you keep this up you are going to get a good grilling !

Homer

Lettuce sleep on it- something's bound to turnip?

Al_Fernz

One of my mates studied accountancy but got a job as a chef when he left college. Unfortunately, he didn't last too long. The restaurant owner fired him for cooking the books!

Oliverdog

Well if you like seafood songs, the following are on the menu ...

Salmon Chanted Evening
Michael Roe the Bloater Shore

Homer

I went to a seafood disco last week... I pulled a mussel!

Al_Fernz

industria wrote: »

I went to a seafood disco last week... I pulled a mussel!

The only thing you pulled was a cockle!

As one shark said to the other "your plaice or mine"

Beanstalk

Why do some dairy farmers never see milk?
Cus sometimes it's pasteurise before you know it...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7410421.stm ah!

as the japanese chip chop owner said "flying tonight!"

Beanstalk

Man walks into an aquarium and says to the attendant, 'I want to conduct a marine ocrchestra', where do I start?' 'Well', said the attendant, 'the first thing you'll need to know is how to tuna fish...

dak

Q: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens ?
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A: They kept chirping " Bach , Bach .........Bach , Bach"

el_barty

Spielberg is making a new action movie about the secret superhero lives of the great composers. All the big names want in on it - Stallone wrote in and said, "Can I be Mozart?". Harrison Ford told him, "I want to be Strauss." And Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."

RadioCity

el_barty wrote: »

Spielberg is making a new action movie about the secret superhero lives of the great composers. All the big names want in on it - Stallone wrote in and said, "Can I be Mozart?". Harrison Ford told him, "I want to be Strauss." And Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."

Classic!

Al_Fernz

dak wrote: »

Q: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens ?
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A: They kept chirping " Bach , Bach .........Bach , Bach"

That pun was foul.

Two pigeons were found dead next to the cat, fowl play has not been ruled out!

dak

Q: Why did Mozart STOP killing all his chickens ?
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A: They kept chirping " Bach , Bach .........Bach , Bach is Sh*te"