New Torres Book

GuanYin

Mr Alan wrote: »

and i aint that long term a poster, only here just over a year)

and yet it seems sooooo much longer

Mr Alan

PSI: Las Vegas wrote: »

and yet it seems sooooo much longer

PSI, if you wanna go on a date - just ask

Peyton Manning

Heres one I made myself. Have a whole thread of these over on RedCafe. Gotta do something in these wee hours of the morning. Based on the Liverpool robberies.

http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/7213/scousersja6.png

Im_No_Superman

PSI: Las Vegas wrote:

and yet it seems sooooo much longer

Oh no she didnt!



http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/funny-pictures-watching-sports-cat.jpg

DeadSkin

Stumbled across this morning, thought I'd throw it in here

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nosxmXsUJKA

Tusky

Considered posting this in the Utd thread but I fear the reaction!

http://i30.tinypic.com/2eo8tmx.gif

Im_No_Superman

Tusky wrote: »

Considered posting this in the Utd thread but I fear the reaction!

http://i30.tinypic.com/2eo8tmx.gif

I lol'ed.

KdjaCL

http://www.flickr.com/photos/soccerc/2318800082/in/set-72157604068409870/


kdjac

Sherifu

KdjaCL wrote: »

http://www.flickr.com/photos/soccerc/2318800082/in/set-72157604068409870/


kdjac

I can't tell them apart

Mr Alan

I know this these are yoinked from the Chuck Norris/Mr T yokes, i still laughed like **** though.....

Mascherano Facts:

---

1. Javier Mascherano once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Javier Mascherano allows to live.

3. When Javier Mascherano drinks piss, his sugar puffs smell funny.

4. When Javier Mascherano was born, the nurse said, "**** Me! That's Javier Mascherano!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

5. When Javier Mascherano goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Javier Mascherano could use to kill you, including the room itself.

7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed a flim from Javier Mascherano and forgot to pay him back.

8. Javier Mascherano can count backwards from infinity.

9. Crop circles are Javier Mascherano' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

10. When Javier Mascherano jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Javier Mascherano’ed instead.

11. Javier Mascherano can divide by zero.

12. In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Javier Mascherano, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

13. Javier Mascherano is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.

14. Javier Mascherano has two speeds: walk and kill.

15. Javier Mascherano is the reason why Wally is hiding in all those ****ing books.

16. Javier Mascherano can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

17. You are what you eat. That is why Javier Mascherano's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

18. Javier Mascherano once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

19. Javier Mascherano played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

20. If you were to lock Javier Mascherano in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Javier Mascherano replied "Because Grammy's are for ****ing queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

21. On his birthday, Javier Mascherano randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

22. Javier Mascherano doesn't believe in condoms. Instead, he sticks his dick in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while shagging another.

23. When Javier Mascherano does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

24. Whenever Javier Mascherano puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of petrol and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

25. Javier Mascherano invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. John Terry invented pink.

26. Javier Mascherano coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

27. Javier Mascherano haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.

28. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Javier Mascherano punched himself in the face.

29. Javier Mascherano, David Hasselhoff, Chris Akabusi and Mr T once all met in a bar, it exploded as no room can contain that much cool!

30. Javier Mascherano is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

31. Javier Mascherano is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Javier Mascherano!

32. Javier Mascherano can touch MC Hammer whenever the **** he likes.

33. They once made a Javier Mascherano toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody.

34. If Javier Mascherano is late, time better slow the **** down.

35. Javier Mascherano once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.

36. Javier Mascherano was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of head-butt related deaths.

37. Javier Mascherano appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a head-butt. When asked bout this "glitch," Javier Mascherano replied, "That's no glitch."

38. Someone once tried to tell Javier Mascherano that head-butts aren't the best way to kill someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

39. The jackhammer was invented after a construction worker saw Javier Mascherano having sex.

40. If Javier Mascherano was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Steve Bennet, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Bennet twice.

41. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Javier Mascherano spared your life.

42. Superman wears Javier Mascherano pjs.

43. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Javier Mascherano says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.

44. Javier Mascherano once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

45. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Javier Mascherano. Sounds like a fair fight.

46. Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Javier Mascherano does not feel like carrying you.

47. Javier Mascherano was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Javier Mascherano

Mikeyt086

Seen them all with both Paul O'Connell and Nemanja Vidic's names.

Oh and by the way, the cover to Torres new book "Adjusting in England" was leaked today:

http://s65.photobucket.com/albums/h230/mikeyt086/?action=view&current=293200872917P4a5b.jpg

Mr.Nice Guy

Mikeyt086 wrote: »

Oh and by the way, the cover to Torres new book "Adjusting in England" was leaked today:

http://s65.photobucket.com/albums/h230/mikeyt086/?action=view&current=293200872917P4a5b.jpg

That's class.

machiavellianme

Mikeyt086 wrote: »

Seen them all with both Paul O'Connell and Nemanja Vidic's names.

Oh and by the way, the cover to Torres new book "Adjusting in England" was leaked today:

http://s65.photobucket.com/albums/h230/mikeyt086/?action=view&current=293200872917P4a5b.jpg

OMG Torres is gonna bite Ferdinand in the a**

Xavi6

Reminds me of this one -

http://s266.photobucket.com/albums/ii248/Xavi6/?action=view&current=Micah.jpg

Mr.Nice Guy

machiavellianme wrote: »

OMG Torres is gonna bite Ferdinand in the a**

Send him off ref!

Mad_Max

Xavi6 wrote: »

Reminds me of this one -

http://s266.photobucket.com/albums/ii248/Xavi6/?action=view&current=Micah.jpg

LOL. love the man u blame links on the side.

kryogen

the list was great, some of them only work with jack bauer but i pissed myself for a few minutes so thanks al!

smcelhinney

Always loved this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJ05alAQ5Oc&NR=1

gucci

Mikeyt086 wrote: »

Seen them all with both Paul O'Connell and Nemanja Vidic's names.

Oh and by the way, the cover to Torres new book "Adjusting in England" was leaked today:

http://s65.photobucket.com/albums/h230/mikeyt086/?action=view&current=293200872917P4a5b.jpg

Xavi6 wrote: »

Reminds me of this one -

http://s266.photobucket.com/albums/ii248/Xavi6/?action=view&current=Micah.jpg

Both very good!! The excuses add that extra bit to the Micah one

Nunu

Had to resurrect this thread because this has to be the funniest gif I have ever seen!:D

http://i280.photobucket.com/albums/kk182/MUFCPICS/arsena_zoolander_animation1.gif

Davei141

Im in tears from laughing at that one!

Found this on redcafe, if its been posted already then apologies.



Arséne Wengers Diary:


‘Wake up early. I set my alarm clock for later but, naturellement, someone has been in my room during the night and adjusted the time. I will not say who – we will let others judge.

I trip over the rug in my bedroom. The rug is not penalised in any way. If furnishings are allowed to keep getting away with these travesties of justice then it is the end for Arsene.
I am waiting for a package but my postman – who seemed to get himself in a good position - fails to deliver. Is my postman Emmanuel Eboue?

For sure it has not been the best of starts for me but I am working hard to make sure that nothing bothers me anymore but getting on with the job. I have lunch with my friend William at Pizza Express.

I have a Pizza a la Noci, but William doesn’t want anything off the children’s menu. I try to tell him he must have something and he goes out the door and sits on a traffic island for the next three hours. He is an excellent role model to my young team.

Next I meet Phillipe Senderos on a street corner. It is good to see him. However as soon as we leave that corner I lose him very easily and he spends the rest of the afternoon about ten yards away from me at all times. It is very frustrating.

I return to my car to find that a penalty fine has been given against me. Strange how all the other cars on the street have not been given tickets and yet they are all parked too.

The traffic warden tells me they are not parked on double yellow lines like mine. I tell him that I know what is going on, I am not stupid. He asks me what I mean and I smile and say ‘Let us think our own thoughts, mon ami.’

It takes me an age to get to the training ground. All the traffic lights are against me. Red and yellow lights everywhere, but only for me.

Finally I arrive and I’m greeted by my squad of wonderful players. Adebayor and Bendtner are holding hands and laughing and joking as usual.

Jens Lehmann is giving everyone fine words of encouragement as befits his status as our senior professional. Young Theo is coming on leaps and bounds with his French A-levels.

I call the boys together and tell them they are all winners. They play the best football. Then we play my favourite practising game ‘Twenty Passes Before You Can Score.’

Hoyte is terrible at this. Adebayor suggests we practise our free-kicks and corners – then every one falls about laughing! He is a funny guy.

It is great that humour can break the tension. I tell them another joke – that Alex Ferguson is going to buy van Persie for 10 million euros. Why does Robin not laugh?

Then I get serious with the boys. I tell them not to listen to the voices in their head that tell them to be paranoid. I tell them not to be neurotic – just leave that to me.

I tell them not to be concerned for my mental state. I may be a bit wobbly right now but I’m not Tom Hicks. I tell them that we will come back stronger, fitter and better than ever.

Cesc, le petit Espagnol, asks if I will be able to buy anyone in the summer to bolster the squad. I smile and nod. He need not worry. I have my eye on two Malian goat-herders as we speak plus a fine central defender from the Finnish second division.

In five years, I tell him, they will be football Gods comme Cygan et Stepanovs, especially the girl from Helsinki.

During training the boys look sad and tired. Moi aussi. Staying positive in this situation is about as feasible as winning a penalty at Old Trafford.

Sometimes, I think to myself that I am the only one who understood Eric Cantona’s sardines and trawler story. I too have been charting new territory in my elegant vessel the SS Arsenal (it would have been a 747 liner but we had to keep Bergkamp with us in the early years.)

Many have followed us with delight, but many others have tried to peck out the eyes of my vision. There have been stormy waters and troubled times. We were les Invincibles and maintenant, we are les Miserables.

My seagulls are not journalists and reporters. They are the sight-forsaken Rileys and Wileys of this world. These men of selective vision (and I know how that works, believe me!) People accuse me of having a persecution complex but these people are just out to get me.

I am a man of principle. There are ways to play le beau jeu but I know only one. I will not change. And we shall not crumble like an Englishman on the last day of a major golf tournament. And if it never succeeds again then it won’t be my fault.

Because I tell you this, mes amis:
Non, Je ne regrette rien!*
*Except picking Senderos. And moving Toure to right-back. Oh and selling Diarra.’