The Design a New religion thread!

Red Hand

Quimmals 14:3

And Torkal, speaking through the mildewed crab apple tree, spoke these words unto Kha Hab-Khalash:

4"From now on, I decree that men must honour me by waxing the hair on their legs, arms and forked regions once every week. They do this only in the presence of other similarly annointed men and will remain unclean for one day. Under no cirumstance must a woman or a girl of marrying age see an unwaxed man for they will suffer the punishment of stoning (and my eternal wrath after they die)."

5"Men who trim, rather than wax, will suffer the humiliation of having their sheep and cattle unclothed for a full week."

6"Thus, I set out this requirement that all men of body-hair baring age must perform as a marker to differeniate the children of Torkal from others in these lands...."

Well, as the thread title says, design away! Unlease your inner Prophet and let you speak in tongues like theres no tomorrow (no really, there isn't! The Prophet Spoppet foretold it in Turds 12:3 just before Torkel smote the sinful cities of Worrzle and Gummidge.)

Galvasean

Ibl

Zillah

Rejoice, ye who follow the immortal mad Goddess, for eternal life is hers, as is her love for thee. And though you tore her to pieces, and threw every piece into a fire, she is still alive. There is no sense cying over every mistake, you must keep on trying until you run out of ceremonial cake. Yea, this is the word of the gladGod, rejoice for those who are still alive.

i duno lads, arent there enough religions already

Sapien

Zillah wrote: »

Rejoice, ye who follow the immortal mad Goddess, for eternal life is hers, as is her love for thee. And though you tore her to pieces, and threw every piece into a fire, she is still alive. There is no sense cying over every mistake, you must keep on trying until you run out of ceremonial cake. Yea, this is the word of the gladGod, rejoice for those who are still alive.

Blessed is the Holey Aperture.

Red Hand

Dear Torkalian Brethern,

I once again wish you all the very best this Quadract-Dham and hope that this time of peace, reflection and fasting will bring you closer to Torkal, may his infidel enemies burn in the Firepits of Tallah and be flayed alive forever. I'm sure many of you have bought your Star-hats for your loved ones already-I know I have. This year, as I'm sure you know, the season runs from the 10th March right up to the 16th April, so make the most of your daily genital flagelations-they'll be gone before you know it!:)

There have been a few new developments since the last parish newsletter three months ago. The construction of the new Ziggurat is ahead of schedule with the likely propect of our beloved Higher Witch Priestess Stone, may her blessed way be guided solely by her own whoring, cutting the red tape in October or November at the latest. We have our own Torkalian Rock Group at hand to blast out a Torkalianly reworked Stairway to Heaven and a few other appropriate tunes, so I'm sure that will please the young amongst us (and oldsers like myself that remember the 70s!)

Also, our Beloved Brother Murphy is going to the missions as part of his transition year school project. He will be gone for 2 months and in that time, he will help the aid workers build a new water supply for a whole village, teach some of the children to read and write and hopefully spread Holy Torkal's Sigh amongst the filthy infidel heathens, may those who don't convert have their bones powdered to meal and be fed to oxen.

Now, I will leave you with a short thought from which I think appropriate given the season:

Canis Caseine 10:6

Though you may think yourself alone and lonely without a single friend in the world, I, your Holy Torkal, am always with you.

7During the day when herding your cattle, I am watching you.

8During the evening when you are breaking your bread and drinking your Khruth, I am watching you.

9During the night when your hands are pure and clean and empty of seed, and are fully outside your sleeping blankets, I am watching you.


Happy Quadract-Dham to you all and may the Djinn visit one and all on Dham Day!


Lower Witch Priest O Brian.

eoin5

This reminds me of the lolcat-bible