A Few Quickies

rocky25

A giant ship engine failed in the mid of the ocean. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.
Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed! .The ship came to the land safely.
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer.............. ........ $ 2.00
knowing where to tap................. ...... $ 9,998.00 Moral of the story
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!
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There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."


And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"


She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."


The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him." You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
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Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."


The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."


The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are definitely the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable!"


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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.


Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.


Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.


Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."


Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope sure ain't."


Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says,





"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."