About to lose everything

lonely heart

Hi Lost Love,

Ergonomics couldn't have put it better - you have done the right thing, and do not let others be sowing seeds of doubt in your head - as ergonomics says, it will lead you to making acusations that you have no substance for.

I cannot believe that some people can be little someone elses problems in that manner.

I hope that you are doing well. You are a very strong person so far and deserve a whole heap of respect for that.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys,

To be honest maybe Biggun isin't too far from the truth. I have a feeling that the prospect of lifetime commitment and being faithful to one person may indeed be part of the problem. We could be singing from two different hymn sheets. I'm not saying he's cheating, I have no proof of that but I'm ready to settle down and he obviously is not. He wants to meet later but I don't feel like he has anything to say that I want to hear for the moment so I'm going to put him off. He said he's all 'jumbled up' in his head so it will be just more of the same. I'm finished talking for once (I over-talk everything!) and it's his turn. But I know if he comes down here it'll just be the same thing. Me offering possible explanations for his behaviour and him saying 'I don't know or 'maybe', nothing conrete. My head can't take that today.

I'm beginning to think that maybe I would be better off on my own for a while. Still haven't told anyone yet besides my parents, dodging phone-calls, can't handle the humiliation.

littlefriend

Probably best not to meet him tonight - even if you were dying to.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about - he's the one being a fool changing his mind etc etc.
In fact, if your friends know you are more likely you are to do right by yourself - kind of keeps you honest if you know what I mean.
Let him wait, get an early night and give yourself a chance to clear your head.

BankMan

Keep your chin up lost love. You've been through a lot of drama, and I bet it's hard to think in strait lines at present. I know how draining the anxiety can be, it's hard to switch off the mad little voice inside sometimes, but it can be done.


You're doing grand, take some time just for you

lonely heart

Hi Lost Love,

Please do not even think about the post from Biggun. It was thoughtless and unfounded. Its not nice for someone to be-little someone elses problems.

You are right not to meet him tonight - he sounds like he is very confused, and meeting over the next few days will only make things worse. He really needs some space.

Ad am not trying to give you false hope by any means - but by giving him the space, you have a better chance of working things out maybe in the longer term - if thats whats meant to happen.

At least he had the manners to say that he is confused. When it happened to me, my ex of 6 years, just turned up at my door, and said that he thought we should break up - and he literally ran down my drive way and turned off his phone. So I didn't get the chance to have any kind of say - although he had been treating me very badly in the lead up to then, and I couldn't do anything right.

However, he wouldn't speak to me for over two months, and the only reason that he spoke to me then was because I had kept trying to initiate any contact. I thought that i was an absolutely terrible person and that I had done something terrible. On the other hand I was sick with worry, cos I thought that perhaps there was something wrong with him, maybe a health thing or something, that he was afraid to tell someone. I was worried sick, as this behaviour was so out of character.

But I now know that it was none of the above. Had he just told me that he needed some space, then that would have been a comfort at least.

Its really weird, this person is a part of your life, they just are. You tell them everything, you consider them in your plans, you imagine growing old with them, and then all of a sudden they are not there any more. You can't talk to them, you cant see them, and its kind like everything in the past was false. And it hurts.

However - can I say, that it really is better to talk to your friends, or at least one or two of them. If they really are your friends, I can guarantee you that they won't gossip. Why, cos if anyone has been through this themselves, they will know what the hurt is like, and they most certainly wouldn't try to rub it in. If they are gossips, then they are really not your friends - so not worth worring about really.

On the day that it happened to me - I just met a friend by accident, and I burst into tears and i told her everything - personal stuff - the lot, it all came out - I couldn't believe it - but guess what - she was a great comfort to me that day, and many days and months to come, and has now become one of my closest friends, What I didn't realise was that she had been through the same thing 2 years before - and she knew exactly what I was going through. It brought us closer as friends.

Don't keep it inside. You will be surprised who you can talk to.

You are being really strong:)

LegacyUser

Thanks lonely heart,

Had a big reply posted but it disappeared! I didn't agree to meet him tonight as I didn't feel he had enough to say. I've been rushing everything but unfortunately these things take time. Surprisingly, I'm feeling upbeat tonight, perhaps I was doing myself an injustice being with him in the first place. He was never the guy I saw myself with originally, it just morphed into a long-term relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love him. I've always been a giver, there should bw some kind of comprimise. I really need a lot of giving right now.

How are you? It sounds like your relationship knocked you for six. The way he left you after that length of time is terrible. How are you coping?

I have a friend returning from the states tomorrow, I have trusted
her in the past, and she has lent on me and I can trust her so will leave it til then to unburden myself. Have lots of friends in one group and no matter what you do things spread so don't want that for the moment. They are old friends, i'll give them that much, and good friends in a way, but things have a habit of circulating, and I'm not taking the risk for the moment.

Memnoch

I'm not going to repeat all the support and reassurances that have been put forth already except to say that I echo them whole heartedly.

I just wanted to say a few things. Some are from my perspective as a person and others are from my view as a man. I'll preface this by saying you need to take the advice of everyone, including me, with a pinch of salt and decide for yourself what feels right and is best for you. That said.. here are my 2 pennies.

1. People make mistakes. It happens in relationships all the time. You said yourself that sometimes it takes work to make a relationship happen. However, he had to know that what he was doing initially was going to hurt you a lot, and that can come across as callous. On the other hand it might just be a lack of emotional understanding which some of us guys are famous for. You have a tough task of deciding whether he just made a mistake in not being able to understand his emotions, or whether his new found "confidence" led him to believe that he could "do better." Either way, the REALITY of a future without you seems to have scared the bejeesus out of him. Whether that is because he loves you or is insecure about a single future or simply insecure is impossible to say without knowing him better and only you can judge this.

If you do decide to get back together he owes you a SERIOUS explanation of his reasoning. Why did he want to leave you initially. What REALLY changed his mind. These are not easy questions to be honest about with onself, much less the person we are trying to persuade. But he needs to convince you that he is being sincere about this(his explanation). And you need to be sure that you genuinly believe what he is telling you before making any decision either way.

2. On the issue of trying. This is tough as it varies from person to person and their own sense of pride. Personally I think that it's fear of hurt and pride that wreck relationships at the end of the day more than anything else. He might think as you do that he "tried," and now it's your turn to try "equally." It's the old adage of who should apologise first in a fight when both parties think they are in the right. It's up to you to decide how much of yourself you are willing to putt on the line and what that's(he and the relationship) worth to you.

My only advise is to be careful not to be caught inadvertently in mind games and just be as honest and upfront as you can. Don't get caught up in, "I don't want to give him the power," as that kind of thinking can end up being very circular. To me it looks like there is a real communication issue here. Neither of you seem to know what the other REALLY wants and to a lesser extent what you yourselves want.

Sorry if this reads like confusing garbage. At the end of the day, I'm one of those not emotionally smart guys.

Either way I wish both of you the best of luck for the future.

Aurora Borealis

Memnoch wrote: »

I'm not going to repeat all the support and reassurances that have been put forth already except to say that I echo them whole heartedly.

I just wanted to say a few things. Some are from my perspective as a person and others are from my view as a man. I'll preface this by saying you need to take the advice of everyone, including me, with a pinch of salt and decide for yourself what feels right and is best for you. That said.. here are my 2 pennies.

1. People make mistakes. It happens in relationships all the time. You said yourself that sometimes it takes work to make a relationship happen. However, he had to know that what he was doing initially was going to hurt you a lot, and that can come across as callous. On the other hand it might just be a lack of emotional understanding which some of us guys are famous for. You have a tough task of deciding whether he just made a mistake in not being able to understand his emotions, or whether his new found "confidence" led him to believe that he could "do better." Either way, the REALITY of a future without you seems to have scared the bejeesus out of him. Whether that is because he loves you or is insecure about a single future or simply insecure is impossible to say without knowing him better and only you can judge this.

If you do decide to get back together he owes you a SERIOUS explanation of his reasoning. Why did he want to leave you initially. What REALLY changed his mind. These are not easy questions to be honest about with onself, much less the person we are trying to persuade. But he needs to convince you that he is being sincere about this(his explanation). And you need to be sure that you genuinly believe what he is telling you before making any decision either way.

2. On the issue of trying. This is tough as it varies from person to person and their own sense of pride. Personally I think that it's fear of hurt and pride that wreck relationships at the end of the day more than anything else. He might think as you do that he "tried," and now it's your turn to try "equally." It's the old adage of who should apologise first in a fight when both parties think they are in the right. It's up to you to decide how much of yourself you are willing to putt on the line and what that's(he and the relationship) worth to you.

My only advise is to be careful not to be caught inadvertently in mind games and just be as honest and upfront as you can. Don't get caught up in, "I don't want to give him the power," as that kind of thinking can end up being very circular. To me it looks like there is a real communication issue here. Neither of you seem to know what the other REALLY wants and to a lesser extent what you yourselves want.

Sorry if this reads like confusing garbage. At the end of the day, I'm one of those not emotionally smart guys.

Either way I wish both of you the best of luck for the future.

I don't know Memnoch you sound pretty clued in emotionally to me. Very sound advice. There's no point playing games and hiding your feelings. They always surface anyway and such tactics are futile if you've been together any length of time.

OP I think you're handling this very well. Keep taking it slowly and it'll give you both the chance to figure things out.

Will probably be lambasted for this but I do think guys quite often don't see what it is they want until they're in fear of losing it. Just my experience anyway...

littlefriend

Lost Love wrote: »

perhaps I was doing myself an injustice being with him in the first place. He was never the guy I saw myself with originally, it just morphed into a long-term relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love him.

If you are thinking that now, whether you get back together or not, then that thought will probably always stay with you. Take your time with this one. Go with your gut and stay strong.

lonely heart

Hi there,

I really like Memnochs post. Its really interesting to hear a male point of view on things.

Memnoch is dead right about the Serious Explanation - a year after our breakup - my ex tried to come back - but there was no serious explanation - in fact there was no explanation at all:(

And he just didn't understand why this would upset me. The past should be left in the past. But you can't treat people like dirt, and expect them to forget without an explanation. Sure if there was no explanation, sure it was only going to happen later in life all over again, and I am not going down that road again.

And I honestly think that the reason for no explanation- was due to pride - he just had too much pride to admit why he did what he did. Its all very fine to say sorry, but thats not enough - need to know what happened, and why, so that it cant happen again, and also to begin to build the trust.

And as for mind games - this is another trait - why can't people just say what it is - and forget about the mind games - life is way to short.its rediculous.

Yes Lost Love - the breakup knocked me for 6, and I won't lie, and its probably obvious as hell, but he is still the first thing i think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep - but I am so angry still - and hurt.

But Lost Love - i reallly meant what I said at the weekend. I t was the best thing that happened to me - for a number of reasons.

I realised I had many friends, and spent more time with them, I got control back of my life, I realised that I could turn to my family in times of need, I started to do the things that I believed in in life - things that I had given up just to be with someone else - and most importantly I honestly to feel that its better to be single, than with someone who makes your life unhappy and constantly critisises. I found my feet again - who I was in life - and honest to God i needed to do that. And despite thinking about him, I know that I am strong enough to live my life.

You are doing the right thing - and you are a very strong person.:):)