Few Quickies

rocky25

MAKING COFFEE
making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful
woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole
an'... slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
washing a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
and yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You... get on the couch, string 'em along with
some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself; hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.


GOING FISHING
going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
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The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Ok, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison."

And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.

But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head and he YELLS at her, "HEY, it's not life imprisonment!”
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A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21."


A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".


Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place.

The Brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting "22" "22" "22".
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This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit down
at a table and the man goes to the bar and says, "A pint of Bitter for
myself, a Gin &Tonic for the ostrich and a Scotch for the cat".


The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway.


Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says, "A G&T for
myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a whisky for the cat."


The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks.


This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately
buying rounds of drinks, but the cat never does. By the end of the
evening the barman asks the man, "Look, what’s the story? I have to
know, why do you have an ostrich and a cat? And how come the
cat never buys a round?"


"Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the road
one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and Genie came
out and said, `Oh thank you for releasing me, oh Master, what is your
heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be yours.'



"So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

mickrourke

them jokes are excellent Rocky,
Aren't the first one's from The Fast Show?
Swiss Tony?