You are scaring me

TravelJunkie

Hi all participants.

I've always wanted more than one child. I have a daughter, can't have any more and I'm thinking of adopting one or more other children. I haven't started the process yet.

Here I am now, reading some of these threads and it is quite scary because I really want to do this right. A bit about me: Me and my husband are very family orientated. Our motivation for adoption is that we want a big family and to share and give love and embrace new people into what we think is a good enviroment and loving family for a child.

There seems to be so many issues that adoptees have... I have some concerns.... 1) I have a natural child already... would this make an adopted child feel bad in the future? 2) Realistically the adopted child will be of a different race - does this matter?

Some adoptees (as I see on this forum) have personal issues about being adopted. I wouldn't be hiding the fact that the child is adopted from the child. To me, a child cannot choose its parents. Isn't it better if a child/person knows (while growing up) that his loving parents want him/her so much that they went to all this heartache to get him/her? Will this matter to my child in the future.

Basically its coming down to feelings... What I feel as someone who wants to adopt is that, eventually, when I do receive another member of my family I want that person to love me as much as I love them and be committed to me as much as I will be to them. I've always thought that love is what bonds us... reading these blogs it seems that this is not enough.

lilyrose

i was really touched when reading your story, as an adoptee i have never meant my birth parents and i dont really want to altough i would like to access my medical background- the reason why i dont feel the need to trace my birth parents is because of my adoptive parents they provide me with all the love which is possible - i am one of three children but my siblings are both biological children of my parents i have never felt any difference in the treatment or love i was given compared to them.
any way im rambling off here- my point is each person on all sides of adoption will have a different story or a different point of view you mustnt let stories of adoption problems scare you off what can be such a beautiful thing.

Wook

lilyrose wrote: »

the reason why i dont feel the need to trace my birth parents is because of my adoptive parents they provide me with all the love which is possible - i am one of three children but my siblings are both biological children of my parents i have never felt any difference in the treatment or love i was given compared to them.
QUOTE]

Completly agree, its posible for parent to love their adopted children as their genetical brothers or sisters , and the same for the adopted children.
Plenty of people would just open their mouths without engaging the brains and always ask the first question 'but do you not want to meet your REAL parents?' which is much disrepect for the people that took you in , loved you and care for you. Whoever gave you away for adoption probably had damn good reasons for it.

kathy finn

as a adopted person i always wanted to find my birthfamily, don,t get me wrong i had great adopted parents and we get on great but i always felt different, my sister and brother who are their natural children are so like my parents in looks and personality. i found this very diffucult as a child to be so different, my mother has been very supportive to me in my search for my birthfamily and i know she thinks of me as her own child.
if you are thinking of adopting a child, just support them 100 percent

TravelJunkie

Thanks for your comments, which is of some encouragement. I called the HSE and put my name down to go to an information evening which will come up in May.....

neilled

TravelJunkie wrote: »

Hi all participants.

I've always wanted more than one child. I have a daughter, can't have any more and I'm thinking of adopting one or more other children. I haven't started the process yet.

Here I am now, reading some of these threads and it is quite scary because I really want to do this right. A bit about me: Me and my husband are very family orientated. Our motivation for adoption is that we want a big family and to share and give love and embrace new people into what we think is a good enviroment and loving family for a child.

There seems to be so many issues that adoptees have... I have some concerns.... 1) I have a natural child already... would this make an adopted child feel bad in the future? 2) Realistically the adopted child will be of a different race - does this matter?

Some adoptees (as I see on this forum) have personal issues about being adopted. I wouldn't be hiding the fact that the child is adopted from the child. To me, a child cannot choose its parents. Isn't it better if a child/person knows (while growing up) that his loving parents want him/her so much that they went to all this heartache to get him/her? Will this matter to my child in the future.

Basically its coming down to feelings... What I feel as someone who wants to adopt is that, eventually, when I do receive another member of my family I want that person to love me as much as I love them and be committed to me as much as I will be to them. I've always thought that love is what bonds us... reading these blogs it seems that this is not enough.

I think I'm one of the younger ones posting on this board. I have no issues per say with my adoption as it was always blatently obvious that i was adopted (different race to my pasty white parents) and they were always open about the fact. I also had regular contact from my birth mother from an early age. If anything the one criticsm I have of my adoptive parents ( and i don't like using that term because the ARE my parents, its just to differentiate them when talking to people) through the process is that they chose to have me baptised an RC but that has more to do with my personal opinion on religion as opossed to anything to do with their suitibility as parents.

Looking at the board in a sweeping generalisation I would suggest that some of the issues people have is because of the lack of openess regarding adoptions in the past, finding out they were adopted latter by accident etc.

Regarding the different race thing, well there are certain issues that will crop up in the future. Just so your aware of them, people meeting you for the first time with your non white son or daughter will make assumptions that your unrelated Eg, I was in a shop in Derry getting some mountaineering gear with my mother. I went back to pick up some stuff that I'd forgot to buy and the sale guy said "Did your girlfriend get what she was after?" Result - instant mortification! Of course she was busy going on about her youthful looks after that (i was 16 at the time!)

Then I suppose there's the other element - with so many nationalities in Ireland these days there is a chance that your adopted son or daughter may meet some children whos parents hail from the country of their birth. They may try and communicate with your child in what would have been their native tounge - much to your childs confusion. Growing up in rural northern Ireland I never encountered this. To be honest its more ammusing to me now that I'm in dublin when people try to talk to me in chinese than distressing. Although getting the "do you speak english?" question can be quite irritating.

Locutus

Hi Traveljunkie,

We are about to adopt and we have natural children. We have been very open about this with our children and the social worker has interviewed them individually. If you are a loving person who wants to have a bigger family, then you should apply. The course you must attend (at least in the later stages) and the interviews with the social worker, together with discussions with other adoptive parents will challenge your preconceptions and allow you to think it through very carefully.

Will it matter that the adopted child is of a different race? Realistically yes, but given that Ireland is so multicultural these days probably mostly in terms that you will be constantly concerned about how your adoptive child feels and is treated more than is necessary. Certainly my own natural children don't see a different race as being a thing of significance, so far anyway.

All the best.

niceandfriendly

i was the youngest in my family of 3 for 17 years and then my parents decided to adopt. Although the process is long , i believe that the irish system are through and its better to be safe then sorry.

My 2 younger siblings were both babies when they were adopted and both come from africa. I believe that this was important for bonding purposes. They are loved equally(if not more!) than the rest of us. 5 years on everything is great. They are both 2 beautiful happy kids.I think we are lucky because everything has gone very smoothly for us but I would recommend it to anyone and am seriously considering adoption in the years to come.

All the best

Kelly O'Malley

Sounds like you'll make a great adoptive family.All kids have problems of some kind,adoptive kids have a set that's unique to us but we're no more messed up by them than any other children are by their own problems.Raised by a loving family we do fine,the worst of our 'stuff' happens when the adoptive family aint so hot.
Go for it and I wish you as much joy as your new additions will gain from you!

Puffin

Having a child is life’s greatest gamble.

Despite the plans/dreams parents have for their children, and the pains parents take in raising them, no parent can dictate how a child turns out. They may end up very similar to you but there is a very strong chance they will be fairly different- just look at your self and your friends. How similar are you to your parents? Do you enjoy the same things? Have similar relationships? Have the same values (and no, the whole Celtic tiger thing doesn’t make a huge difference- our children will be as similar/different to us as our great grandparents were to their parents)?

In terms of adoption, it dramatically increases the potential for difference between parent and child. This isn’t necessarily a problem, but is something that you need to think about. You (like thousands) say you would like a girl. I think it’s important to ask yourself what do you mean by having a girl? Are you assuming this person will like dressing up and fairies and will love her first communion. What is she grows up to be a butch lesbian? Or a nun? Or refuses to go to ballet because she wants to try shot-put?

If you are happy to sit back and marvel as your child unfolds in their own magical (and possibly bizarre) direction, I would say go for it.

If you (or anyone) have very clear ideas about how your child (biological or adopted) will develop I would implore you to think again.

Either way, good luck.

The_Conductor

Lol, Puffin- I don't think anyone could put it better.:)
Its refreshing to see someone articulate what you wish you could say yourself.

Shane

i-digress

I'm twenty one and am my parents biological child. I have two brothers, eight and seven from Romania and a four year old sister from China. We are all loved equally, and despite the large age gap I get on with my siblings really well. I think you have your priorities exactly right, love is what counts. My siblings have small issues with their adoption, nothing major though. And every kid has some issue, I'm sure you worried about your biological child's lack of friends, progress at school, eating habits, too clingy etc. Once you have love to give I think go for it. As regards to race, we have had some issues. I've been told my family were irresponsible for taking my sister to live here because we have enough of 'them' in the country. But people that narrow minded don't matter, and my sister has a better life here than she would have had in an orphanage in China.

TravelJunkie

Puffin wrote: »

Having a child is life’s greatest gamble.


In terms of adoption, it dramatically increases the potential for difference between parent and child. This isn’t necessarily a problem, but is something that you need to think about. You (like thousands) say you would like a girl. I think it’s important to ask yourself what do you mean by having a girl? Are you assuming this person will like dressing up and fairies and will love her first communion. What is she grows up to be a butch lesbian? Or a nun? Or refuses to go to ballet because she wants to try shot-put?

If you are happy to sit back and marvel as your child unfolds in their own magical (and possibly bizarre) direction, I would say go for it.

If you (or anyone) have very clear ideas about how your child (biological or adopted) will develop I would implore you to think again.

Either way, good luck.

Thanks for your comments, which is great insight into parenting in general. For the record I didn't say I wanted a girl, but maybe you read my mind because I have one already and I'm the eldest one of two sisters and if I did have a little boy it would probably be a whole new learning curve! (just kidding, I don't mind the sex of the child)

Thanks for everyone's advice. Since, I've been to the information evening which is the starting point. There is so much paperwork in it and psychological evaluations, etc etc. I understand why, but the process itself is a big commitment and that is before the parenting of an adopted child bit even begins. The social worker explained that there are issues an adopted child will have and that we'd have to expect these questions to come up and be prepared to address them (she didn't go into much detail though).

This confirms what a lot of adopted people have said about having a unique set of issues/problems on this forum. I did think/hope that if we were as loving as possible, providing a good home environment, etc etc that maybe our adopted child wouldn't have to experience those feelings.
This was being unrealistic I see now.

The meeting did give me lots to think about. Something that was immediately apparent was that the adoption process isn't about a parent receiving a child, but about the child receiving a home. The HSE was very clear about that. This also sets the stage to look at things from a different point of view.
It's making me look at the type of person I am, vs the type of parent I am. How will I deal with things when these problems do come up? It's so weird to think so far ahead but I have to as the process is so lengthy and complicated that I have to be in it for the long haul right from the start.

Thanks to all who have posted on this, it means a lot to me.