Long Quickies

rocky25 · 27-03-2008 9:34pm #1

A class of kindergartners were trying very hard to become
accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was
that the teacher insisted on "NO baby talk!" "You need to use 'Big
People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big people' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a
choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to
use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with
great pride,and said,

"Winnie the ****."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird".

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20. Just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sex, Senior Style.............

One old woman told a second that she sometimes got her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both
legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night,
when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got
totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic.

However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with
the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it
behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped
backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put
your teeth in .... You look like an ass hole."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. "Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time". So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few seconds.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.

"Did you put that condom on?" she asked.

I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.