I'm apprehensive, even a bit scared, wonder if anyone else has felt like this?

Locutus

We have birth children already, and before our youngest boy was born, we applied for adoption clearance. When he was born, we decided to leave the application in. He is now 4 (yes that is how long it can take) and we are now at the very final stage of the adoption process. I am struggling to deal with a fear that I may not bond with the adopted child. I look at my birth children and I love them to bits and can't imagine being without them and the parent child bond grew naturally and almost without my noticing. I am finding it a little difficult to be honest about my question, but here it is: Has anyone found any difficulty in bonding with an adopted child? Is my fear irrational? Does the fact that the child is not a birth child, and looks totally different to you, make any difference? I feel awful even asking the question, but it is, I am sure, a different experience to have a baby placed in your arms which is now yours, who reacts as if to a stranger, than the experience of a nurse placing your own (birth) new born baby in your arms.

I'm not even sure if I am articulating this correctly, or if my question is one which people will think shouldn't be asked as it is a doubt that should disqualify you from considering adoption.

Any views?

The_Conductor

I'd seriously advise that you attend some pre-adoption courses (Barnados do a good one) and also, if you have the opportunity, to sit down and talk to some adult adopted people, it may also be helpful. At the end of the day, adoption has to be in the best interests of the child, and any situation where the child may feel that you don't have an emotional attachment to them, cannot be a healthy situation for the child. I wouldn't worry unduly about you thinking about your other children and feeling scared or apprehensive about another child- I suppose its only natural. I would urge you, however, to sit down and think this through fully, rather than going blindly ahead, if you feel that you may have problems ahead.

Best wishes,

Shane

Locutus

Thanks. I have of course been preparing for this (by attending courses and otherwise) for a number of years and I wouldn't be in the process without a lot of thought and consideration so this isn't a question of going blindly ahead. It is helpful that you also consider this to be not something to worry about.

I have discussed this issue with the social worker and with another adoptive parent - their view is that this is a normal reaction. I am just looking for some other reassuring (or not) observations from adoptive parents who already had birth children.

TravelJunkie

I'm not where you are in the process but thinking about it I also have the same concern - not necessarily that I won't bond with the adopted child but that I won't bond AS MUCH as with the natural child.

But in saying that, I can also make another observation.
I was separated due to medical conditions from my baby at birth for two days and then even when I saw her my health only improved enough for me to have bonding time with the baby about a month later. I first thought this would mean the baby wouldn't know me/love me/ etc. Even up to 6 months I had this concern. This ofcourse turned out to be a silly concern. Three years later and I couldn't love my daughter more. And this love keeps growing.

Perhaps what I'm trying to say is that at the end of the day, this fear might be nothing and months later we will say 'what was I even worried about?'

Puffin

Life isn’t rational, emotions aren’t rational so don’t bother trying to use logic to diminish your emotional response to a situation.

The fact is you are already seeing your adopted child as ‘different’ to your birth children. This is highly problematic. The reality is, every child is going to do things that confuse/annoy/upset you and- seeing you already have issues about the fact they aren’t your biological children- what do you think is going to pop into your head during these difficult times? Do you honestly be able to relate to them as equal to your biological children? Do you really think they won’t notice a difference in your relationship towards them (ask yourself, are you blind to your parents faults? Your children will have equal awareness to your faults).

To be honest, from your post it seems like the only reason you still ‘want’ this child is because it’s been an arduous process, and you are now (understandably) reluctant to decide all that pain and money was for nothing. But the child deserves more, your biological children deserve more and you deserve more.