spoiling a one year old

loismustdie

hi guys, some opinions would be gladly apreciated
i'v a 15 month old son who's at risk of becoming spoiled. i want him to explore everything to develop the love of learning but am unsure of allowing him to do things dropping things from the table. is he old enough now to stop him doing all these things which i'm not sure is it him learning or just becoming bold. this query also comes into my head when he cries to be picked up or plays with his food. i don't mean to sound like i want to be strict on him but how should i deal with him so he becomes well adjusted and confitent while feelin loved.
any experiences in this field?
thanks
x

Carrigart Exile

loismustdie wrote: »

hi guys, some opinions would be gladly apreciated
i'v a 15 month old son who's at risk of becoming spoiled. i want him to explore everything to develop the love of learning but am unsure of allowing him to do things dropping things from the table. is he old enough now to stop him doing all these things which i'm not sure is it him learning or just becoming bold. this query also comes into my head when he cries to be picked up or plays with his food. i don't mean to sound like i want to be strict on him but how should i deal with him so he becomes well adjusted and confitent while feelin loved.
any experiences in this field?
thanks
x

children need structure and discipline in their lives, give them that and you give them a better basis for learning. Laissez Faire parenting is just as it sounds

littlebug

loismustdie wrote: »

hi guys, some opinions would be gladly apreciated
i'v a 15 month old son who's at risk of becoming spoiled. i want him to explore everything to develop the love of learning but am unsure of allowing him to do things dropping things from the table. is he old enough now to stop him doing all these things which i'm not sure is it him learning or just becoming bold. this query also comes into my head when he cries to be picked up or plays with his food. i don't mean to sound like i want to be strict on him but how should i deal with him so he becomes well adjusted and confitent while feelin loved.
any experiences in this field?
thanks
x

All the things you mention are completely normal for a 15 month old. Playing with food is a normal part of development and I think is an important part of developing a good relationship with food. If it all gets a bit messy so what? I imagine the different textures are great to play around with. It could also be that he's had enough to eat and is bored thus he plays with the food/ throws things from the table etc... when mine were that small I would just let them off to play if they were done or move the food aside and put something else in front of them to play with if I wanted them to stay at the table.
If a child that small cries to be picked up it means they just want reassurance and cuddles and IMO are less likely to become confident and well adjusted if they are denied that. In fact may feel they are being punished for wanting a cuddle:( I don't think you can spoil a child of that age. Yes children need structure but I think 15 months is a bit early for discipline as such. Guidance yes but discipline no.Lots of cuddles and affection and praise and attention when they are good make for a well balanced and better behaved child IMO.

EileenG

Spoiling is when you give your child stuff instead of attention. It's giving him a chocolate biscuit instead of a cuddle. At 15 months, he's not bold, he just needs his parents and to explore his world.

Can I mention here that I hate that word? In every other country, "bold" is considered a compliment, only the Irish make it a bad thing.

However, at 15 months, he is certainly old enough to learn consequences. Like if you drop something, it's gone until you pick it up again.

simu

EileenG wrote: »

Spoiling is when you give your child stuff instead of attention. It's giving him a chocolate biscuit instead of a cuddle. At 15 months, he's not bold, he just needs his parents and to explore his world.

Can I mention here that I hate that word? In every other country, "bold" is considered a compliment, only the Irish make it a bad thing.

However, at 15 months, he is certainly old enough to learn consequences. Like if you drop something, it's gone until you pick it up again.

In other countries, bold means audacious; here, it's mostly a synonym for naughty. You're not comparing like with like.

luckat

A 15-month-old dropping things and wanting them picked up is a perfectly normal play action. Playing with food, ditto.

Be very, very careful that you don't start to take a hostile attitude to this tiny toddler.

Meals, especially, need to be a joyous, gentle time - they're the heart of the family's interaction.

Might I suggest that you have a little food yourself a short time before the meal, so you're not hungry and irritated?

Abi

loismustdie wrote: »

hi guys, some opinions would be gladly apreciated
i'v a 15 month old son who's at risk of becoming spoiled. i want him to explore everything to develop the love of learning but am unsure of allowing him to do things dropping things from the table.

I understand your concern; as parents we want to do everything right from the get-go. If I understand you correctly, he is dropping things from the table - like his dinner, drinks etc.?

Try not to read this as a child being bold. He is probably trying to provoke a reaction from you, and it is how you re-act that he will remember. And, if he likes what he sees, he will probably repeat.

At his age, speech is only starting to come through, and when speech fails him the next best thing is a reaction.

So no :eek: faces at him. What I did with my little ones was to avoid eye contact and leave the bowl for a few seconds, so as there was no immediate reaction to his action. He will lose interest in doing it, and probably try something new :rolleyes:

I do believe in dicipline, but they need gentle guidance at that age because their perception of rights and wrongs are still developing. Scolding him is a no-no.

The creshe that I use never allow their staff to use the word 'bold' on a child, as it dents a childs confidence. They rather explain what the child should have done / said etc., than finger-point.

As the child grows you could have a little chart/reward system for good deeds and deduct accordingly for the not-so-good. This system worked perfectly for toilet training both of my kids.

All parents put their own swing on things, but I like to think of a parent/parents as trellis' and the child is the climbing plant. We are here for their guidance, and that is the best that we can do.

Mr. Incognito

You cannot spoil baby- you can spoil a child.

You do not need to enforce disciplines until the child is about two + and has developed the necessary cognative functions.

Nevyn

SetantaL wrote: »

You cannot spoil baby- you can spoil a child.

You do not need to enforce disciplines until the child is about two + and has developed the necessary cognative functions.

Please cite references for this please.

Also this is not a one way interaction there are two learning curves here one of the child and the other of a parent and the phrase 'start as you mean to go on' comes to mind.

There is no magical switch on point a parent's behaviour and reactions are something which develop over time.

It is better that a parent learn temperance and tolerance while still being strict enough with their child at an early age.

I am strict with mine and can be hardline if pushed, that way they learn I mean business and don't' cross me, you have to extablish dominance and control over a child in the first 10 years so that they will listen and do as they are told as they are older.

Parents also have to foster the feeling of unconditional love and assuredness in their children, these things can be hard to do esp to strike the right balance.

loismustdie the best interactive 'Toy' a child has is it's parents and from that age on wards they look for reactions and reassurance for their actions. It's part of of them interaction with the world around them rather then just trying to eat their own feet.

IF you disapprove of an action do your best to ignore it and when baby does something you do approve of then prise and celebrate it. IF you really must take action then making a sign like wagging your finger, while frowning and saying firmly 'no, not allowed' is usually enough.

But don't stay cross with your lil one for long, they do have short memories and need to feel cherished, but don't get caught in the games which they will play with you oh prolly until they grow up and mature in to proper adults

nesf

SetantaL wrote: »

You do not need to enforce disciplines until the child is about two + and has developed the necessary cognative functions.

I disagree, our lad at 20 months does understand some discipline. He generalises rules to absurdities but he does obey a few of them (ie he accepts that his bears don't have permission to go out onto the balcony, and this applies to everyone and not just him and he will give out to people for breaking these rules). Discipline like most things with young children is a slow and granular process. Over time they pick up more and more what they should and should not do but there isn't a magical watershed after which suddenly they can learn right from wrong.

A child at 15 months won't obey you, but there's no harm in getting into the habit of discipline and explaining to them that they aren't allowed do this or that. Most likely the response you'll get is them to continue doing it while saying "No" or shaking their head but it sinks in eventually over time. But it's a fallacy that just the child needs discipline, both the parent and the child need to develop this. Not getting angry over something and being calm is not an easy thing to do when they get to the stage where they find throwing glasses onto the floor amusing etc.

di11on

I guess the point is that there are lines... and for 1 year old babies discovering gravity for the first time and playing "bombs away" with their dinner... those lines are quite wide apart!

It's finding the balance between giving your child room to discover and letting them know when some sort of behaviour is just not acceptable. The older they get the more they will test the boundaries. Playing bombs away with food and toys is so completely natural and healthy for a baby discovering their world. But there comes a point (I'd say around 18 months) where baby knows what they are doing is a pain for mummy and can be shown that this is not acceptable behaviour.

Your instincts will be able to tell you if baby is "taking the pi$$" or just being inquisitive. There's a big difference.

Both our little ones are really good sleepers. But with both of them, there were (and still are) phases where they wake up in the night. Usually, because they are sick or teething. They get used to the comfort of being picked up and then it's really hard to get back to the old routine. I find it's really hard in these situations to tell if they are genuinely unhappy or just expoiting the situation! I tend to give the benefit of the doubt untill it starts getting ridiculous!

My opinion is that spoiling in relation to material stuff isn't an issue untill they have specific wants. If they can't handle the experience or are spared the experience of wanting something and not getting it, then there's an issue, in my opinion.

nesf

di11on wrote: »

Your instincts will be able to tell you if baby is "taking the pi$$" or just being inquisitive. There's a big difference.

Lol, that's a good way of putting it. Normally I can tell because of the look on his face. He has a look for when he knows damn well that he's not supposed to be doing something.

di11on wrote: »

My opinion is that spoiling in relation to material stuff isn't an issue untill they have specific wants. If they can't handle the experience or are spared the experience of wanting something and not getting it, then there's an issue, in my opinion.

My guy gets new toys/clothes pretty often, he's the first grandchild on both sides so it's a given really. What we tried very hard to do with him was get it into his head that he doesn't get bought something simply because he grabs it in a toy shop. Which he seems to accept, though that could change in a few months, who knows. I think reinforcing their every material desire is more problematic than the simple accumulation of material stuff though. He has loads of books but just because he likes the look of some teddy in some shop doesn't mean it gets bought for him etc.

BrianCalgary

Thaedydal wrote: »

Please cite references for this please.

Also this is not a one way interaction there are two learning curves here one of the child and the other of a parent and the phrase 'start as you mean to go on' comes to mind.

There is no magical switch on point a parent's behaviour and reactions are something which develop over time.

It is better that a parent learn temperance and tolerance while still being strict enough with their child at an early age.

I am strict with mine and can be hardline if pushed, that way they learn I mean business and don't' cross me, you have to extablish dominance and control over a child in the first 10 years so that they will listen and do as they are told as they are older.

Parents also have to foster the feeling of unconditional love and assuredness in their children, these things can be hard to do esp to strike the right balance.

loismustdie the best interactive 'Toy' a child has is it's parents and from that age on wards they look for reactions and reassurance for their actions. It's part of of them interaction with the world around them rather then just trying to eat their own feet.

IF you disapprove of an action do your best to ignore it and when baby does something you do approve of then prise and celebrate it. IF you really must take action then making a sign like wagging your finger, while frowning and saying firmly 'no, not allowed' is usually enough.

But don't stay cross with your lil one for long, they do have short memories and need to feel cherished, but don't get caught in the games which they will play with you oh prolly until they grow up and mature in to proper adults

Well said Thaed.

I just wanted to add to the part I have highlighted.

Whenever I scolded our kids and there were tears etc. and they ended up in their room crying, I always made the frist move after a reasonable period.
I let them reflect on the whole incident in the best way they could foir their age and then I would go to their room and pick them up, smother with hugs and reiterate how much I loved them and how important they were to me, how I was so glad to be their Dad.

They learned to understand what was right and wrong behaviour and always ended up knowing that they were still wanted and loved.

This process started from day 1. Now they are wonderful young women and man and we have great relationships that are built on that love that was shared.

loismustdie

thanks a mil everone i hope i explained myself properly. ya see my sister wouldn't allow her child to make a mess and drop things and i was afriad i was letting him get into the habbit of making a mess. he's a lovely little boy and he won't be spoiled in materiel things. on the subject, would you always pick up and carry around a 15 month old,as he can be very clingy that way. also if a fifteen month old and say a 3 or 4 year old aren't sharing well together what would you tend to do? the reason i ask is my neice is barely 4 and my lo seems to get his own way a lot when they are both with their gran, when i'm their i won't let my babs get his own way as i don't thinkd it's fair on niece but i think my mam does as she sees him as the baby which is of course true

nesf

You can't expect a 15 month old to grasp complicated social concepts like sharing etc. They can share but it's arguable they don't grasp why it's good to share other than they get applauded for doing it. It's understandable that he's given quite a bit of leeway by his grandmother since he still is only a baby really.

I wouldn't worry too much about a 15 month old being a bit clingy.

Ludo

Thaedydal wrote: »

Please cite references for this please.

Also this is not a one way interaction there are two learning curves here one of the child and the other of a parent and the phrase 'start as you mean to go on' comes to mind.

There is no magical switch on point a parent's behaviour and reactions are something which develop over time.

It is better that a parent learn temperance and tolerance while still being strict enough with their child at an early age.

I am strict with mine and can be hardline if pushed, that way they learn I mean business and don't' cross me, you have to extablish dominance and control over a child in the first 10 years so that they will listen and do as they are told as they are older.

Parents also have to foster the feeling of unconditional love and assuredness in their children, these things can be hard to do esp to strike the right balance.

loismustdie the best interactive 'Toy' a child has is it's parents and from that age on wards they look for reactions and reassurance for their actions. It's part of of them interaction with the world around them rather then just trying to eat their own feet.

IF you disapprove of an action do your best to ignore it and when baby does something you do approve of then prise and celebrate it. IF you really must take action then making a sign like wagging your finger, while frowning and saying firmly 'no, not allowed' is usually enough.

But don't stay cross with your lil one for long, they do have short memories and need to feel cherished, but don't get caught in the games which they will play with you oh prolly until they grow up and mature in to proper adults

Please cite references for this please.

loismustdie

if he takes the older childs toys though how would you react, i don't want to give out to him at all and i neer have but what am i to do, just let him to it until i think he's old enough and then suddenly stop him? and i don't want his cousin to end up resenting him either

nesf

loismustdie wrote: »

if he takes the older childs toys though how would you react, i don't want to give out to him at all and i neer have but what am i to do, just let him to it until i think he's old enough and then suddenly stop him? and i don't want his cousin to end up resenting him either

With my guy, I'd tell him "No, you don't have permission to do that" and sit down and play with the two of them, applauding him for playing with the child. Just telling him no doesn't get the point across half as well as encouraging him to do the alternative. The general rule of thumb I have (and I'm on my first kid so I'm still learning, i.e. don't take this as gospel), is tell them no, explain why if relevant and then encourage them to do something else and applaud them for doing it. Discipline at a very young age is (almost) more about giving a lot of positive encouragement for when they are doing something good than it is giving out to them for doing something bad. I think of it more as rewarding them for good behaviour than punishing them for bad. When he's older this will change and there'll be more balance, but for the next few years he's not going to have a good grasp of right and wrong so it's more productive to focus on the reward side of the equation in my opinion. He still gets scolded for when he does something wrong but I don't expect him to really understand why it's wrong for quite sometime so I don't emphasise the scolding if that makes sense.

loismustdie

thanks so much for taking the time to advise me on this. i feel so silly even asking what i would have thought is obvious before having callum but i hope you understand. so one last question, at least i hope it's the last...for example if he wants a toy that his cousin has or whatever he'l throw himself on the ground banging his head and so out of control he can't walk or crawl.
now don't get me wrong he is such a lovely little boy, so good but these are the few random things he does i'm not sure how to deal with. thanks again x

luckat

Tantrums are the big problem of the 'terrible twos' - but also of the months around the age of two.

They're very upsetting for the parent - and also for the child. Deal with it well; it's good practice for the teenage hormone storm, which it resembles!

If you watch carefully you can sidetrack a tantrum before it happens 90% of the time.

One thing to be careful of: make sure that you're giving the kid enough loving attention and interaction *at other times* - many a kid will be 'rewarded' for having a tantrum because it gets great attention. Even angry attention is worth it for a tantrum-

Best thing with a tantrum is to pick the child up and bring him out of the situation, without any comment or any attention.