Funnie's

rocky25

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card ... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts.
"This is her husband!"
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Junior School children Writing about the Sea


(1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you're an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 6)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?(Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous.Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.(Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her
fanny. (Julie age 7)
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A Swede, a Irishman and a Scotsman are playing golf with their wives.

'The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'


Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,



'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
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I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
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Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
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My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be
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THE SENILITY PRAYER:rolleyes: :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

mickrourke

Good Stuff Rocky,
Although it was just a matter of time when you put up the same jokes, i didn't think you would do it in the same post
Maybe it was your joke though, with senility and all that, on us.
5 stars!

Plug

The first one had me in the balls laughing.

rocky25

Ah :mad:bo##ox :mad:cnut :obeepin fuppin bo##ox fooking nuts nuts nuts:eek: arse,

Me Tourettes is back again:rolleyes: bo##ox:mad: