How to get over her

johny28

Thaedydal wrote: »

Typedef her sister/mother.

what do you mean?

LegacyUser

This thread has us guys asking "What do women want?"!!

Can't keep them happy at all..Then they complain about us!!

johny28

me too!! wrote: »

This thread has us guys asking "What do women want?"!!

Can't keep them happy at all..Then they complain about us!!

I think and this is just my opinion, most of women are straight forward and we can tell what is that they want of us or what is that they would like to see in a man..

My experience and perhaps yours were a bit exceptional and the same with men there are men who don't know what they want ... This is more an individual based issue rather than a gender...

All what I can say here, I still love that girl and I'm not sure if I'd be able to love any other woman to this degree!

But I'd like to know how you getting on with your recovery process?

Liam Byrne

johny28 wrote: »

All what I can say here, I still love that girl and I'm not sure if I'd be able to love any other woman to this degree!

Remember thinking the same.....but here's the main thing you need to focus on......

1) You might "love" to have a Ferrari, but could you [financially] afford it ?

Likewise, can you emotionally afford this ? Do you (and, ironically, she) deserve to be happier ? Whatever about her decision to not let herself or whatever, you can decide that you deserve better - or at least what suits you better. If there's a trade-off, which there appears to be, do you really want to put being with her ahead of your overall happiness ?

2) There's ALWAYS an element of wanting what you can't have / achieve.....if she came running and was all for making it work, would you then start worrying whether she'd treat you badly for the rest of your lives ?

3) Can you trust her, and therefore have a proper relationship where you know she respects you and you're not worried every time she goes out that she may be likely to feck off with someone else ?

4) ACID TEST : If she arrived on your doorstep and said she was pregnant, so that there would be a GUARANTEED link for the rest of your lives, how would you feel ?

Asking those 4 questions helped me; I hope I'm not superimposing what I went through onto your issue, but there are similarities and those 4 questions are the ones that got me to come out the other side.....

johny28

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Remember thinking the same.....but here's the main thing you need to focus on......

1) You might "love" to have a Ferrari, but could you [financially] afford it ?

Likewise, can you emotionally afford this ? Do you (and, ironically, she) deserve to be happier ? Whatever about her decision to not let herself or whatever, you can decide that you deserve better - or at least what suits you better. If there's a trade-off, which there appears to be, do you really want to put being with her ahead of your overall happiness ?



2) There's ALWAYS an element of wanting what you can't have / achieve.....if she came running and was all for making it work, would you then start worrying whether she'd treat you badly for the rest of your lives ?

3) Can you trust her, and therefore have a proper relationship where you know she respects you and you're not worried every time she goes out that she may be likely to feck off with someone else ?

4) ACID TEST : If she arrived on your doorstep and said she was pregnant, so that there would be a GUARANTEED link for the rest of your lives, how would you feel ?

Asking those 4 questions helped me; I hope I'm not superimposing what I went through onto your issue, but there are similarities and those 4 questions are the ones that got me to come out the other side.....

Those are all important questions and I do not know if I'd be sticking to the following answers in the next hour as my foundation was shaken by her so strongly! The only thing I know is that I find it diffuclt to stay apart from her!

I'll see if I can answer these questions:
1-Can I afford the emotional hassle? I keep telling myself if I did understand her she might no had behaved the way she did

2-There is that element too but it is only small part of me.

3-I don't know if I can but I have not seen anything(Facts, Evidence) that made me not to trust her however I was not sure about her at times...

4-Well, in crisis like that I have to take reponsibilities But the whole thing would be wrong to happen due to obvious reasons

And there is my problem overcoming her and forgetting her seems like a daunting task

LegacyUser

Actions always speak louder than words. Despite whatever she said, it didn't sound like she tried to make the relationship work. Chalk it up to experience and forget her.

Liam Byrne

johny28 wrote: »

1-Can I afford the emotional hassle? I keep telling myself if I did understand her she might no had behaved the way she did
2-There is that element too but it is only small part of me.
3-I don't know if I can but I have not seen anything(Facts, Evidence) that made me not to trust her however I was not sure about her at times...
4-Well, in crisis like that I have to take reponsibilities But the whole thing would be wrong to happen due to obvious reasons

Forgive me if I'm being harsh with the following, Johny - it's for a reason and if it helps, it means that it's worked; can I snip out some of what you've said ?

1. You don't understand her; and even if you did she might still have behaved as she did ? That's the problem with deluding ourselves with the word "might not".....there's always an equivalent "might"

2. You've admitted that's a factor, however small

3. You were not sure of her at times

4. The whole thing would be wrong; i.e. it wouldn't be an OK or half-decent relationship that, if that happened, ye could work together to make it work

I know you could let fly at me for being picky, and I am (so apologies if it seems unfair/harsh) but the above are all your own words.

And while I'm no expert, I've been there, and my heart goes out to you because no matter what we say the above penny has to drop some time, but it'll be in your own time......it took 3 months for it to drop for me.

So it might take a while mate, but it will happen.

BraziliaNZ

I always found the best way to treat women was thusly:
Once you manage to get them out on a date or two and have them interested by your bedazzling charms and bedroom moves, just sit back and let them do all the work. If they really like you they will text you first, they will call you first, they will arrange to meet you, they will come up with ideas so they can spend time with you, etc. etc.
Keep this going for 6 months or so, and after that you'll have them so hooked they are yours to do with as you please. Never fails.

Liam Byrne

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I always found the best way to treat women was thusly:
Once you manage to get them out on a date or two and have them interested by your bedazzling charms and bedroom moves, just sit back and let them do all the work. If they really like you they will text you first, they will call you first, they will arrange to meet you, they will come up with ideas so they can spend time with you, etc. etc.
Keep this going for 6 months or so, and after that you'll have them so hooked they are yours to do with as you please. Never fails.

In other words, games.....so what if you're a decent guy who doesn't want the girl to make an idiot of herself ?

Sorry, but the "yours to do with as you please" is pretty pathetic.

Why would you want to be with someone that you don't respect ? And why would you act like that if you respected them.

Games just lead to headwreck and hassle; there's always a "proceed with caution" in getting to know someone new, but why put obstacles in the way ? If it's gonna be worthwhile, you've got to respect each other for who you both are, not for how you appeared to be while you were playing games...

johny28

Liam, may be you are right ...

I made my final attempt to get back with her and waiting on her response!

If you ask me why did I do this... Because I'm so much into her!

Thanks

Liam Byrne

Best of luck, johny, genuinely......but I am going to be a complete p***k and constantly remind you for the next 6 months that you said "final attempt" in that last post!!!!

May the force be with you.....

johny28

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Best of luck, johny, genuinely......but I am going to be a complete p***k and constantly remind you for the next 6 months that you said "final attempt" in that last post!!!!

May the force be with you.....

Defo it was the final attempt...

I have to start gather my shattered pride from here regardless of her reponse..

Thanks once again

Liam Byrne

johny28 wrote: »

I have to start gather my shattered pride from here regardless of her reponse..

Been there, mate (well, I'd've said self-confidence and self-respect rather than pride, as such, but I presume we're talking about roughly the same thing).

But it can be done. Like alcoholism, the first step is realising "this is bad for me - I need out".

johny28

Liam, I wonder if it is only you and I who had this expereince or are there many other guys with the same expereince? What do you think?

Liam Byrne

I don't think we're unique, Johny - it's just not "cool" to admit it, so most people don't.

Also (and I want to emphasise something in relation to all of the above posts) it's not the easiest thing to talk about without coming across as bitter; in my case, the girl in question is, indeed, one-in-a-million and will be some catch if she manages to put her past behind her and stop pre-empting a breakup (and therefore making it happen by ruining a perfectly good relationship). But she wasn't going to do that with me.

Y'see, that's the thing; when things go tits-up it's easy to say "feck that b***h" - and in some ways I nearly did.....but it's a fine balance; if someone's been treated like crap in past relationships and expects more of the same, then they're going to be wary; but there's also a grey area between being wary and wanting to be a victim (as in "look, it happened to me AGAIN, so I must be ****e at this").

In addition, I might be being completely naieve and she might have gotten what was - in her eyes - a "better offer", and may even have started something else before she got rid of me. I don't know.

So when you add all of that up (not wanting to seem naieve or an idiot) then not a lot of people will talk about it, or if they do it's in a bitter or defensive "feck her" mode, because you've made the effort and gotten **** for thanks.

I think it's only when you've REALLY loved someone and tried to make it work, and then realised that it's likely to be a disaster for both of ye, that you can see both sides and still come out seeing a bigger pattern and caring in some way for someone without the hangover of wanting something to re-ignite when it ain't going to, because if it did it would lead to two nice people dragging each other down.

Ironically, loving someone like that would seem to be ideal - that you could take on any problem and overcome it - but sometimes it leads to being blinkered and not realising that it just ain't gonna make it.

johny28

Liam Byrne wrote: »

(as in "look, it happened to me AGAIN, so I must be ****e at this").

So, did this happen to you with the new girl you did meet or did I misunderstand?

[/quote]
In addition, I might be being completely naieve and she might have gotten what was - in her eyes - a "better offer", and may even have started something else before she got rid of me. I don't know.[/quote]

That is one of the things that I wonder about at times!

[/quote]
So when you add all of that up (not wanting to seem naieve or an idiot) then not a lot of people will talk about it, or if they do it's in a bitter or defensive "feck her" mode, because you've made the effort and gotten **** for thanks.

I think it's only when you've REALLY loved someone and tried to make it work, and then realised that it's likely to be a disaster for both of ye, that you can see both sides and still come out seeing a bigger pattern and caring in some way for someone without the hangover of wanting something to re-ignite when it ain't going to, because if it did it would lead to two nice people dragging each other down.

Ironically, loving someone like that would seem to be ideal - that you could take on any problem and overcome it - but sometimes it leads to being blinkered and not realising that it just ain't gonna make it.[/quote]

Despite, the fact I wanted to to care of her and all her ***t she is thinking about it!!
So, what does it take to meet a normal, decent and nice person?

RedXIV

just to reiterate there johny28 and Liam, you AREN'T the only ones to go through this, I too fell for the "too Nice for me" kind of girl.

But i can hand on heart say the best hing i did after was go straight back into the dating game. admittidly it was easier for me, i was dropped just before i went back into college and when i moved into my new house for college, there were 3 rooms. i had one, my friend had another and the third was looked after by the landlord. and he got a MODEL! she was great craic, stunning girl and, to this day i don't know why, she took a shine to me. So a measly 2 weeks after it ended, i was back in relationship therapy with a better model! ever since (needless to say, i screwed that up too ), i always believed that best way to get over a girl is get under another

Liam Byrne

johny28 wrote: »

So, did this happen to you with the new girl you did meet or did I misunderstand?

Misunderstand (maybe my fault).....what I meant was that if a girl (or indeed, a guy) sabotages something because of past experiences it gives them an excuse to get into a "victim" mentality of "why does this always happen to me"......essentially, it may only have happened once, and because of that someone won't accept another relationship and screws that up and convinces themselves that they were right......rinse and repeat....

That is one of the things that I wonder about at times!

Don't. It'll wreck your head. It's an easy trap to fall in to, though, and here's why: a few people I spoke to were convinced that this is the case, and if there was any shred of actual proof that it were true it would make it easy to hate her and therefore easier to move on. But while there was suspicion / doubt / lack of trust, there's no tangible reason to think this was the case, so I'm not gonna slander someone by focussing on it. If I ever find out that it was the case, then my "reasonableness" will end VERY quickly and I'll damn well make sure that everyone finds out, but it may well just have been odd behavoiur, and I'll leave it at that and move on. I don't like being taken for a ride, but I'd prefer to be viewed as naieve than be viewed as someone who slings accusations...

Despite, the fact I wanted to to care of her and all her ***t she is thinking about it!!

You can't (and really, don't want to) "take care" of someone like that; a relationship is about mutual respect and being there for / taking care of each other on occasions, not ALL THE TIME. Get your own self-respect and confidence back and you'll realise that.

So, what does it take to meet a normal, decent and nice person?

Don't have a "one size fix all" answer, but I kinda have an opportunity to find out, almost as soon as I put the past behind me! Will keep ya posted!

RedXIV wrote:

needless to say, i screwed that up too

Oi!! That's precisely the kind of negative and victim thinking that we were talking about.....it may not be your fault (it may, and I don't know ya) but equally it may not.

RedXIV

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Oi!! That's precisely the kind of negative and victim thinking that we were talking about.....it may not be your fault (it may, and I don't know ya) but equally it may not.

lol cheers for the vote of confidence, i say screwed it up but it just didn't work out, not to mention the fact she left college and i didn't see her anymore. But it was all a learning curve, and believe me, NO ONE who knows me in person would refer to me as the victim in a relationship anymore. I finally figured out what i want and it's made relationships ten times easier

johny28

Very true Liam..