The Great Tommy Cooper

rocky25

The old ones are the best!


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."


This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."


I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."


I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.


Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'


I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."


I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"


My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.


I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.


The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is
for the custard."


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.


I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."


I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Saw one once on a coach trip. He came out with streamers, a silly hat and a moose head under his arm. He grinned (at which point you're laughing already!) and then delivers the line...

....we're with the stag part....!

I cracked up!