parents over protective

barbiegirl

Hi,

First I'm not a parent yet, hoping to start soon though :-) This however is a question on behalf of one of my best mates. In our early 30's lots of mates are married have recently had kids. She has asked at least 4 of her oldest friends, she has no sisters, to be her bridesmaids and they have all said no! They are saying either they may be pregnant, or they won't be comfortable being one because of the babies, in some cases the kids will be nearly 2!

My question is since when did kids rule the parents lives to this extent. I have brothers and sisters, some much younger than me and some older with kiddies and the kids are loved and cherished but they are part of life not the rulers of it. Is it really too much to expect her best, life long friends to be her bridesmaids? She feels really let down and I would too in her position.

Oryx

I agree it sounds selfish. The pregnancy ones you have to accept, I suppose. Noone wants to look like a blimp in a fancy frock. D'ya think maybe the ones who have had kids are self concious about their figures or something? Maybe they dont want to say that as it sounds petty?

Theres definitely more going on here and the kids are used as an excuse. Its odd that 4 separate people have refused, does your friend have terrible taste in dresses or something?:)

I have been a bridesmaid, but I have also refused to be one twice, I had my reasons but I was very clear why and didnt blame my kids.

barbiegirl

Nope I don't think her taste will be bad. Pretty plain and classic is her usual style. I think pink frills are her idea of hell!!! She's very tall herself and a size 16 so being really skinny isn't a pre-requisite. I don't know of any other reasons, I know she's a very good friend and has spent loads of time with these girls, no big issues, no major addictions, sees everyone regularly. Yeah the kids may be being used as an excuse, but she really is hurt. I've only known her 6 years but she was bridesmaid for all of these girls and has known them all her life. It just seems strange to me.

kelle

If I was asked to be a bridesmaid, I wouldn't do it until my youngest was more independent. When my husband and I attend a wedding, firstly we won't go without the children (parents dead, no-one to mind them) and if we do, we need to be with the children the whole time. My youngest is 17 months and even though she's in a creche she is very attached to me and I couldn't stand it if I was at the front of the church and she was roaring at the back wanting me. And others at a wedding just want to have a relaxing day and are not willing to help out with other people's children. I don't think that's selfish, nor is it being overprotective, it's about caring for our children and keeping them safe on the day!
Maybe her friends have issues like those.

Shelli

It is very weird, I know everyone has their own little problems to overcome, but if I was that close to the girl and i really really couldn't find a way around it...last resort: I would go and expect my OH to mind our son, the same would go for him being a groomsman/best man for one of his friends.....

There is definitely something else going on here if you ask me.

Pregnant? fair enough, you really just cant tell if your going to fit in a dress, have to go to the hospital etc, so it's only thinking of the bride to decline in that situation.

But saying they can't because they have kids? I would be very suspicious of it tbh.

littlebug

kelle wrote: »

If I was asked to be a bridesmaid, I wouldn't do it until my youngest was more independent. When my husband and I attend a wedding, firstly we won't go without the children (parents dead, no-one to mind them) and if we do, we need to be with the children the whole time. My youngest is 17 months and even though she's in a creche she is very attached to me and I couldn't stand it if I was at the front of the church and she was roaring at the back wanting me. And others at a wedding just want to have a relaxing day and are not willing to help out with other people's children. I don't think that's selfish, nor is it being overprotective, it's about caring for our children and keeping them safe on the day!
Maybe her friends have issues like those.

I was thinking the same thing Kelle. Any wedding I've gone to with the kids has been a bloomin' nightmare and even thought there were 2 of us there they clung to me all day. At one of them I ended up in the hotel room for most of the day because the little one was kicking up such a stink. We had no one else to mind them either.
The other possibility is that some of them are breastfeeding or planning to be breastfeeding. Leaky boobs in a bridesmaids dress would be pretty mortifying. I have to say that if someone asked me to be a bridesmaid between the time my first baby was born and my second was about 8 months (stopped Breastfeeding) I would have said no. That's a span of over 3 years. As they've got bigger and more independent it's easier to take them places or leave them with babysitters. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt.... I doubt if they all have the same reasons... maybe 2 are pregnant/ feeding or plan to be and the others either have no one to mind the kids or have kids that you just can't take anywhere or leave with a babysitter! I think it's unlucky and unfortunate for your friend but it's just the life phase they're at.

Nevyn

There is also the fact that some brides expect the bridesmaids to be her team of weddin planners rhater then just turning up in a dress on the day.
It coudl be they don't have the time for such tasks.

gcgirl

I am a mum to 3 little darlings and theres no way i'd bring them to a wedding ! I would not be able to relax at all and i have been to weddings where there have been kids running around the place including the church and its not really the place to do that! As for the bridesmaid thing i do think it is kind of selfish !

daiixi

How can people have *noone* to look after their children?

Nevyn

Very easily, families at not as close knit as they once were and are a lot smaller.
Less people have kids and parents can often find themselves being one of the few in thier socail and family circles with kids and nowadays those who don't have kids for the most part don't want to infringe on thier weekends minding someone elses.

kelle

daiixi wrote: »

How can people have *noone* to look after their children?

I think that's quite an insensitive question.
Like I mentioned in my post, my parents are dead. I miss them terribly, one of the reasons being they were brilliant at minding my children. All my aunts have grandchildren of their own to mind. I have all brothers, who wouldn't be able to mind my children for a full day.
Anyway I don't think it's fair to expect others to run after your active toddler for the day. And it wouldn't be fair to leave them with somebody they barely know.

daiixi

Well no kelle, it's not an insensitive question. I simply just don't understand how so many people can have such little support networks in their lives. Or such selfish or unreliable family or friends. Then again I don't have children yet and may be in for a very rude shock if and when I do.

Ludo

Bye bye daiixi. Ask a *stupid* question and then make it even worse with your reply.

kelle

daiixi wrote: »

Well no kelle, it's not an insensitive question. I simply just don't understand how so many people can have such little support networks in their lives. Or such selfish or unreliable family or friends. Then again I don't have children yet and may be in for a very rude shock if and when I do.

So, Daiixi, will you mind my kids next weekend?:D

gubby

"I miss them terribly, one of the reasons being they were brilliant at minding my children."
Oh my god!!! I hope and pray that when I die my children wont just miss me for the babysitting that I do. I am totally with daiixi in this. some parents just want to crowd their children... for gods sake let them with your brothers they will grow better with a wider base of people in their lives

kelle

gubby wrote: »

"I miss them terribly, one of the reasons being they were brilliant at minding my children."
Oh my god!!! I hope and pray that when I die my children wont just miss me for the babysitting that I do. I am totally with daiixi in this. some parents just want to crowd their children... for gods sake let them with your brothers they will grow better with a wider base of people in their lives

Gubby, I said that was one reason, and it is only a tiny reason! I never said in my post that was "just" the reason I miss them. I decided to add that because it was relevant to this thread, otherwise I would have been going off topic.
My brothers are great for school runs and for babysitting for a couple of hours. But leaving them with somebody for a full day is a completely different matter. Would you mind 3 children for a full weekend? I notice Daiixi hasn't answered my question! (Though it was a joke)

Ludo

How can you be totally with daiixi on this? My parents are over 80 and therefore totally incapable of minding my two 5 month olds much an all as they would want to. My brother lives 200 miles away and has two of his own to mind. Not everyone has a huge family available to mind kids for full days so they can go to a wedding or something. People who fail to understand that are in a very lucky position but are obviously so self-centred that they fail to consider the circumstances others may be in.

kelle

Ludo wrote: »

People who fail to understand that are in a very lucky position but are obviously so self-centred that they fail to consider the circumstances others may be in.

+1

I notice none of the above posters have mentioned they would mind somebody else's children for a weekend! Gubby and Daiixi appear to think we should just be able to dump our children on somebody's doorstep and swan off.

daiixi

First up, I work and study and don't always have access to boards so apologies for any undue delay in replying.

Secondly kelle, on the assumption that we're friends, your kids are not unruly brats and I've no other plans already, then yes I would love to help you out and babysit sometimes.

Thirdly, there is a difference between choosing not to ask family/friends to look after your kids or using babysitters and having noone to look after your children. There's also a difference between people doing you a favour and helping you look after your children (and presumably you returning the favour) and continually "dumping" your kids on someones doorstep and "swanning off".

Fourthly Ludo, don't stress yourself out. As I said above, I don't have kids and I'm not in the situation that many of you are in. All I'm doing is engaging in conversation to see where you're coming from. I thought that was the point of forums like this. I don't "fail to understand this" because it hadn't been explained to me. Hence why I asked. I'm not judging anyone or calling anyone names or being mean I'm just asking people to explain themselves. Surely that's not being self-centred?!

Lastly, I'm not sure how Gubby thinks they're with me on this one when all I wanted was for people to explain themselves a bit more.

/edit: and to be on topic, I can understand why women would say no to being a bridesmaid if they have small children, are pregnant or are hoping to become pregant. I think many brides rely a lot on their bridesmaids and I can understand that many mothers may feel that they just won't be able to give the effort/time required. I also think that many women many not feel comfortable being bridesmaid while pregnant or at any time after the birth of their child due to various reasons. Does it suck for the OP's friend? Sure, maybe she should sit down with each woman and ask why they said no and see if a compromise could be met.

Nevyn

I would like to remind everyone of the site rules of being civil and of the forum rules to play nice.

I for one would not have a problem having Daiixi mind my brats.

I do have family and still find it hard but for something like a wedding or an event with enough notic it is possible.

giddyup

OP I think some people who have kids lose the run of themselves a bit with the old kid related excuses to get out of things. I'd focus on why they don't want to do it.

Yes lots of people have genuine kiddy issues that prevent them from doing stuff but there are plenty who just play the kiddy card when they are feeling a bit lazy or maybe can't be arsed doing something.

Hands-up here any parent who has never done that. My hands are down.

barbiegirl

Thanks guys,
It does suck for my friend and it is the time of life all of our mates are at. I guess I also come with a large support network and I babysit often for friends and family from new borns to older kids. So i guess I don't get it. Plus my friend is no bridezilla and is planning a very small wedding so no big fuss etc. Guess it's just her luck.
I know when my uncle got married, my mum left my youngest brother, then about 6 months old with my aunt on the other side for the day and night. It wasn't dumping or anything like it, simply asking for help and getting it. I do think there are too many people today who want to be super mum, always being there and never asking for help for fear of being judged. But asking for help and also giving help in return is how everyother generation handled it.
As for brothers not being able to take a kid for the day, yes they can, and mine all do right down to the 18 year old who can take and mind any of my nieces and nephews. Boys aren't incapable.
Me I'm luckier thank God, my sister who's youngest won't quite be the year is my chief bridesmaid, and don't anyone insinuate that she is a bad mum for being such, and I have 2 cousins who don't have kids yet as well, as I said I'm luckier.
To me kids are to be loved and cherished but should not stop the adult parts of your life or control completely everything you do. We didn't do that to our parents so why should our kids do it to us. Babysitters are not bad, over worked, over stressed parents are. Still again just my opinion.

kelle

It's one thing getting somebody to babysit your children for a couple of hours, it's another to get somebody to mind your baby/toddler for a full day. My older children aged 6 and 7 are left with others and there's no problems, but for my toddler it's a different matter. A baby/toddler needs a lot more attention than a child of 4 or older, active toddlers can exhaust somebody who is not used to them. If you really trust somebody and they're willing, then it's okay to leave your toddler with them. But if that person is not used to looking after toddlers, and is not going to watch them properly then there could be a serious accident!
I don't think any wedding or bridesmaid invitation is worth the risk. Children are little for such a short time and so precious, if others think we're being selfish so be it.

littlebug

I guess when you've good support network around you it is hard to see the other side. Before I had kids I wouldn't have dreamt how little support I would actually have. The only relative who lives within 200 miles is an 80 year old man. My family are far away but they're getting on a bit too. I did ask my mam to mind them once for a wedding but it didn't happen:( I never got a reason but I won't ask again. There are no aunts and uncles or cousins available. When we were younger we had alot of friends living in the same city. Now we've all dispersed and no lives close anymore and all have their own babies now. My kdis barely know them and they barely know my kids. There are 2 couples I would be happy enough (now my kids are a bit bigger but not before now) to leave them with but they have very small kids of their own with so have enough on their hands. I wouldn't ask them and they wouldn't ask me.

The next option is paid babysitters. We went to a wedding last year and had a babysitter who been fine before minding them at night. But it turned out that she watched telly all day, paid them little attention and put them to bed at 7.15. (so they woke at 5am.. lovely when we'd rolled in at 2). My daughter asked never to leave her for a whole day again as she was so miserable:(. I do have another occasional babysitter who is wonderful but she's well into her 20s, works full time and to be honest I feel like it's a lot to ask her to give up her weekend for my children. A whole day/ night is a lot to ask. It's also costly.

I think it's different when you live in the place you've been brought up and have family and friends living nearby.

run_Forrest_run

littlebug wrote: »

I think it's different when you live in the place you've been brought up and have family and friends living nearby.

+1

So true and I also agree with Ludo. I am often driven mad when i see parents just taking the grandparents for granted when they leave their kids there to be minded while they go to work. It would be nice if these shortsighted people realised that some of us are not born, bred & living in the one area all their life.

Actually I was only talking to a colleague last week who lived in Australia for over 5 years but when she was going to have kids she moved home, nice and close to the grandparents and guess who's minding the kids now, yes, poor granny and grandad!

di11on

You know, it's really nice to hear that so many others have noone to mind their kids either.

My parents aren't really up to the job because of health issues etc, my siblings all live in other countries and my OH is a fordener :-) I thought we were the only ones that had this problem... I feel better now! Maybe people should form kiddie minding groups or something?!?

Nevyn

Parents babysitting collectives tbh.

When I was growing up one of my aunts had something like that going on her road, there were a few families and they would baby sit for each other and they had 'passes' which they used and you earned on by minding someone elses kids and ocassionally they would have a big house party and all the kids would have a sleep over in one house with usuallty myself and one of my sisters minding them.

But with less people having kid, famlies being smaller and living a lot further away and people living in housing estates where there may not be many families with kids it is hard.

run_Forrest_run

di11on wrote: »

You know, it's really nice to hear that so many others have noone to mind their kids either.

..
..
I feel better now! Maybe people should form kiddie minding groups or something?!?

Well yes, we do something like that with friends living near us. They also have a two year old and if we ever needed someone to help out for an hour or so then we call on each other. Or also we will arrange to babysit for them if they want to go to the cinema and vice versa. It's all pretty rare though but good to know we are there if needs be.

It's nice to know you are not alone on the 'no family living near them thing'...I think you appreciate things better and you really appreciate your time when you get a chance to go out for dinner etc.

I know many people who just expect the grandparents to mind the kids for them and they are pretty selfish. Nine to five then turns into babysitting on the friday or saturday night and sometimes poor granny ends up staying overnight because greedy mam and dad 'couldn't get a taxi home' :rolleyes:

kelle

Despite what I said in my post about my parents, I actually never depended on them to mind my children. I understood Mum valued her independence and she had reared 5 children. When my son reached 3, she actually started asking to mind him for a couple of hours in the morning. In return I'd go into town and buy her groceries hassle-free because my son was with her not me. This arrangement suited both me and her. She hated grocery shopping and I couldn't do it when my son was with me. And she'd babysit on a Wednesday night, but we'd make sure the children were fast asleep before she arrived, and they never awoke once when she was there. We'd also ensure there was a blazing fire and have the TV set to her favourite channel. As a token of gratitude I'd give her e150 every few weeks to go and buy herself new clothes. We never once took advantage of her or Dad.
My mother-in-law cares for my two older children after school, but we pay her the same as if she were a childcare worker. And she wouldn't be able to mind them for the day or a weekend and we wouldn't dream of asking her.
I see others leaving their children with their parents all the time, (I know someone who went on holidays to Tenerife and left her Mum with her 5 children for a week!) and I do think how selfish they are.

Thaedydal wrote:

I for one would not have a problem having Daiixi mind my brats.

Now, now, Thaedydal, I asked him first!

Femelade

I am in an extremely fortunate position whereas i live at home with my parents and my sister and my daughter.
My mom minds my daughter ofr me any night i want to go out, i usually put her to bed before i go out, but sometimes my mom does it for me. My other sister (who doesnt live with us) has 2 children and my mom has minded them along with my own daughter on tons of occasions!
We dont take my mother for granted, she knows how much we appreciate her, (and if she doesnt and is reading this then - thanks mom we do appreciate you!)

Next weekend, my whole family are going to a wedding, my sister isnt taking her kids, her child minder who minds them while she is at work is going to mind them for 2 nights, both her and the kids are really looking forward to it. I am bringing my daugher but as i will be bridesmaid, it will have to be up to my family to mind her for me.
I think people can be very over protective with their kids, i think it is a bit unhealthy for a child to be so attached to one parent..i understand that some kids are just like that..but i hear people making excuses why they cant leave their kids with other family members..and thats all they are..excuses...maybe its the parents that are too attached to their kids and not the other way around..

littlebug

Femmy wrote: »

I am in an extremely fortunate position whereas i live at home with my parents and my sister and my daughter.
My mom minds my daughter ofr me any night i want to go out, i usually put her to bed before i go out, but sometimes my mom does it for me. My other sister (who doesnt live with us) has 2 children and my mom has minded them along with my own daughter on tons of occasions!
We dont take my mother for granted, she knows how much we appreciate her, (and if she doesnt and is reading this then - thanks mom we do appreciate you!)

Next weekend, my whole family are going to a wedding, my sister isnt taking her kids, her child minder who minds them while she is at work is going to mind them for 2 nights, both her and the kids are really looking forward to it. I am bringing my daugher but as i will be bridesmaid, it will have to be up to my family to mind her for me.
I think people can be very over protective with their kids, i think it is a bit unhealthy for a child to be so attached to one parent..i understand that some kids are just like that..but i hear people making excuses why they cant leave their kids with other family members..and thats all they are..excuses...maybe its the parents that are too attached to their kids and not the other way around..

Femmy the point that some of us are trying to make is that we do not have family members that we can leave our kids with! Believe me if I had able and reliable family living close by I'd be out every weekend and going away for a night or a weekend would not be a problem but I don't. I know I'm not the only one in that situation.