How to rebuild trust?

anonymous_joe

My ex and I had a very intense relationship, which ended over a rather ridiculous misunderstanding.

Now though, she doesnt trust me, and if I'm honest, I don't trust her either. We loved each other a huge amount, and still do, even though we've both been with others on the rebound...

All it seems I can do at the moment is just wait for her to calm down, which is a tad ironic when I'm the one who got treated worse, but then, I'm the more reasonable one.

Wibbs

Basically start a new relationship with her. Continuation of the old will not work as the problems will continue too. If the problems that caused the split in the first place are still there, then it's pointless to go any further until they're acknowledged and sorted. As for her rebound flings? Let it go. She was with people before you met so look at it like that.

BTW waiting for her to "calm down" is not a good take on it. Find out why she's hyped up. The real reason and if that's fixable, fix it. The same goes for her too. Both of you need to want this and be willing to work for it.

440Hz

100% agree with Wibbs, on all those points. I'm going through a similar thing with a friendship at the moment, on the trust issue that is. Trusted this person completely for a very long time, then something happened which made me question that trust, and it hurt. I don't know what your own reasons for doubting the trust in your relationship is/was, and it doesn't matter really, what matters is the feelings you both have about whether to trust each other now. All I can say is, I think you have to decide if you both WANT to trust each other again, and start over, and if you do then its gonna have to be a leap of faith really. I just decided that if I kept looking back over the hurt and questioning the trust I'd get nowhere, just have to draw a line under it and say ok my trust was broken in x circumstance but I trust that it won't happen again and take it from there.

Its more about trusting your own ability to forgive and not hold onto the grudge, rather than trusting the other person, initially anyway. Giver each other a chance to earn the trust back, but it has to be a sincere chance, and that means letting go of what happened and not dragging it up to get at each other etc. If it turns out that the trust is broken again, well you can look back and say hand on heart that you gave it a real chance and it just didn't work. And if the trust isn't broken, well happy days!!

anonymous_joe

Thanks, that's good advice.

jellie

these things can take time. dont expect things to be perfect from day 1. expect her to need some reassurance at some times & the same for you.

anonymous_joe

It's the waiting I always hate. It's really tough.

chuci

its waiting that needs to be done im afraid though i know its the hardest part. you have to give yourself time and space to think about everything and to put it all into perspective before you embark on the relationship again.good luck

anonymous_joe

Sadly yeah. I never was known for my patience.

Nothing else one can do though.

Wibbs

Rushing will push her away. Pretty much guaranteed.

anonymous_joe

Yeah, you are right about that.

I'm doing alright now. Keeping myself busy, and giving her plenty of chances to talk, without ever forcing her to. Eventually it'll work I reckon.

anonymous_joe

The hardest moments of all are when you're on your own and you get seriously tempted to try and talk.

It's really really hard not to rush things. So if anyone's ever in this position, seriously, keep busy.

anonymous_joe

Taking things day by day is tough, but it's the only thing anyone can do in this kind of situation. Trying to stay positive helps too.

anonymous_joe

Yay, we managed to talk a little bit without fighting...

Small steps are better than no steps I guess.

Dellboy2007

Fair play to you if it works out. I'm kind of in that scenario now and there is just no talking to her whatsoever. I would love it to work and i am trying to be positive but at the end of the day if someone can't let past problems go then you can't move forward...

anonymous_joe

Just be patient, dude. I know how bloody difficult that is, but like, anger never lasts as long as the good memories.

I'm going incredibly slowly because that's what she needs, but if I'm honest, I probably need it too. It sure as hell isn't easy, but at the end of the day, if you do care for them, it's worth it.

Dellboy2007

Yeah i get you. Parts of me thinks she likes throwing sh!t back in my face about old aruments and stuff. It's like she has something over me. Like i did wrong (nothing that wrong IMO), so i have to be extra nice.

anonymous_joe

Believe me, man, preaching to the choir.

Thing is, even if you didn't do anything seriously wrong, and I know I didn't either, it's how she perceives what you did wrong. In short, you're probably in this situation over a misunderstanding.

All you can really do is be patient, or find someone else. I'm being patient, because I do still love her, and get the impression that she's still very much in love with me, and very confused and scared by that, which is terrifying her, and making her lash out at me. Which adds all sorts of excitment to the mix. :rolleyes:

Dellboy2007

Ya that makes sense i suppose. Just have to see what happens and *try* to be patient!!

Wibbs

Dellboy2007 wrote: »

Fair play to you if it works out. I'm kind of in that scenario now and there is just no talking to her whatsoever. I would love it to work and i am trying to be positive but at the end of the day if someone can't let past problems go then you can't move forward...

If there's no taking to her, stop. Simple as that. Seriously. If she says she needs space, she's not bullshítting you, she actually wants space. It could be why she's throwing the past stuff at you. Asking for space isn't working so she's trying to look for it by other means. Give her what she wants basically.

If you try to talk to her she'll know why you're doing it. You're doing it because you want back. It's what you want, not what she wants. She'll take that badly and tale it as a self centered act. At a very basic level she would be right. You're thinking of how losing her will affect you, not how it'll affect her. She may be happier down the line with someone else and the same goes for you too.

In the end no matter what you feel for her, it's what she feels for you that'll bring her back(or not) if that's what you truly want. If she doesn't want back, ok you'll sweat bricks for a while and not be a happy camper, but you'll move on and you'll realise it makes no sense to be hankering after someone who doesn't hanker after you. If she does still have feelings for you, giving her space will help her see them more clearly and she may miss you.

Also giving her space also gives you space and a step back from the relationship and her. With that step back you may even find she's not the one for you after all. With that step back you can try and look inside and figure out what you want.

None of that will happen if you keep pushing. Human nature tends to react to pushing by moving away.

anonymous_joe wrote:

Thing is, even if you didn't do anything seriously wrong, and I know I didn't either, it's how she perceives what you did wrong. In short, you're probably in this situation over a misunderstanding.

Yep you may have done something that you don't consider is wrong that she found hurtful. The original problem may not be the issue now, more you're handling of it and your dismissal of her feelings on the matter. It's not the thing itself in every case, more how you reacted to her upset. You probably did it without thinking. I know I've done it in the past.

If you say to her either "I didn't see I did anything that bad" or "I don't understand why you're upset at me", then you will not get a good response. If however you say "I didn't see it at the time as I wasn't thinking, but I can see how upset you are by this and I'm sorry for that upset and that I caused it. I hope we can get beyond this, but if we can't I understand. If we can't I hope you find yourself in a good place in the future". Don't make lame excuses for your actions either. Most excuses are on the same level as "the dog ate my homework". Then leave her be to make up her own mind. Kinda thing. OK the "good place in the future" is laying it on a bit thick but you get the idea. You're (rightfully) acknowledging her upset and your part in it, rather than dismissing it(even if you don't understand it). She may still think you're a muppet, but at least she'll respect the fact you respect her right to be upset. Sometimes stuff isn't fixable, you just acknowledge it and learn form it and move forward from it.

All you can really do is be patient, or find someone else. I'm being patient, because I do still love her, and get the impression that she's still very much in love with me, and very confused and scared by that, which is terrifying her, and making her lash out at me. Which adds all sorts of excitment to the mix.

Take yourself out of the mix. Don't get het up that she'll suddenly forget you either. She won't. May even think of you more and more fondly when the dust settles and the pressure is off. With the pressure on she's much more likely to think of you badly. Leaving her alone may sound counterproductive but it's not. Quite the opposite. Put it another way, what you were doing wasn't working at all was it?

If and when she does contact you, then keep it light. Don't bring up the past. Just inquire how she is now and don't put pressure on her.

anonymous_joe

Wibbs is smart.

Yeah, I'm keeping things as easy and distant as possible. Distracting yourself is the most important thing I think. I've made sure I'm always doing something these days, whether it's studying/going out/playing football, anything is better than sitting alone brooding.

The way I kind of look at it is this - the fundamental reasons for trusting and loving someone are always going to be the same, it's just about rediscovering them, or if you're in my position, giving each other time enough to slowly try and reach out to each other and regain that trust.

Wibbs

Add to that list, be the person she fell for in the first place, not the guy pushing her away. You'll hear people say when you lose the spark it never comes back. Beyond the obvious like finding out the person is a complete gobsheen, in many cases it's because the person, the sparkee never got themselves back.

BTW I've seen the spark come back quite a few times in both men and women. I've heard a woman I know say, that she didn't feel that way about an ex of hers, she liked him, even loved him, but she couldn't imagine why she felt that way about him before. Total loss of sparkage. In the end she married him a few years later. Happily too. You never know what's around the corner.

anonymous_joe

Another good point, actually. Easy to get wrapped up in arguments and disputes, especially when neither of you notices.

anonymous_joe

The prospect of waiting weeks, or even months or years is hardly appealing, but I guess there really is nothing one can do but wait out the initial period.

Wibbs

Then stop waiting. What are you waiting for? Live your life, open up your life to other things, not as an excuse not to think about her, but for you. If she does come back you'll look a lot more attractive to her if you've stopped waiting.

anonymous_joe

Ah I know. I am doing that, but it is tough.

anonymous_joe

Well have plenty of exams and birthdays and general things keeping me busy, and I've managed a few fairly easy conversations which avoided any major unpleasantness, so I think things are going alright.

anonymous_joe

I hate there being so much pain. For both of us. Merely saying hello is considered to be putting too much pressure on...

Guess I'm just going to have to completely and totally ignore her for a few weeks, and see what happens then.

Love really is a lot of work, isn't it?

anonymous_joe

I have to ask... Is there anything I can do other than give her time?

I feel so helpless right now, this is someone I care about a lot, I still love her, I'd love for us to be friends, and if we were able to deal with the issues that made us break up I'd love to be with her again.

As it is, all I'm able to do is wait, and it's bloody difficult.

Overheal

you may also need to try moving on. its gonna hurt but if you dont cut that rope before long youll be hurt worse when she finds someone else.

anonymous_joe

She's way ahead of you there, man.

To be honest it's the friendship that matters to me at the moment. It was a long distance relationship, so I can live without the sex etc. I just really want to have my best friend back, because that's what she was. Anything else at this stage would just be a bonus.

Overheal

le sigh.

Dont know how possible that is. Sorta there myself but not as bad; this girl and I had never met but we were on Skype the whole time. Then I tried something for a girl that wasnt so 3k miles away and we just never seem to talk anymore, long after the other girl has been cast out of the image (evil bitch). But that may also be hampered by moving house and losing skype access.. connection here sucks.

I dunno. I think giving it time might help either way. Once you spend long enough not running into her (over the net or otherwise) she stops becoming a daily thought. So you'll either be either to let her go that way or after the fact you both can start a new relationship as friends. But as Master Wibbs oft say you cant expect a continuation from the old relationship.

anonymous_joe

Yeah I know.

I'd love to be able to start afresh, and rebuild things, and see what happens, but I suppose I'll just have to wait. I do still love her, which adds a lot more pain to the mix, and I get the distinct impression that she still harbours a lot of feelings for me, especially given that she'd never trusted anyone else before.

I hope things work out between her and I, we were wonderfully happy together, and all I can do is try and give her the space she needs to start talking again, and allow ourselves something of a relationship again before doing anything scary.

The bit that is hard is the waiting, but I've done ok as of late. I have been keeping myself as busy as possible, and I'll try get a job for the summer (damn that's getting harder and harder) and head away for a little bit before going back to college.

anonymous_joe

I wish things got noticably easier, but I'm still not able to do anything but give her space... Ah well, just got to stay calm and patient if I want to salvage anything...

Wibbs

anonymous_joe wrote: »

we were wonderfully happy together.

Not wishing to be a bollix but don't kid yourself, if you were "wonderfully happy" together she wouldn't have left. Simple as that and she certainly wouldn't have hopped off with another so quickly. She saw no future in it at the time so she left. No other option really. You need to acknowledge that and figure out what the problem was or any reconciliation will fail. Guaranteed.

anonymous_joe

Wibbs wrote: »

Not wishing to be a bollix but don't kid yourself, if you were "wonderfully happy" together she wouldn't have left. Simple as that and she certainly wouldn't have hopped off with another so quickly. She saw no future in it at the time so she left. No other option really. You need to acknowledge that and figure out what the problem was or any reconciliation will fail. Guaranteed.

I meant were as in we had been for a long time.

The major problem had been that she moved to a new college quite far from home, adding a huge commute to things. As such she didn't have anywhere near as much free time, and was quite often exhausted, so we didn't get to spend any decent amount of time talking or doing anything.

I do know exactly what went wrong, and I know we'd be able to work things out properly if we gave it another go. At the moment though, I just think we should stay friendly and keep in touch, and let ourselves begin to trust each ohter before we even contemplate anything else.

What's difficult is spending time together at the moment, because she's still very... tetchy I guess. On the balance of things, I probably got treated worse, but she's the one most scared of talking about things.

We managed to chat very briefly today in a friendly way, which was a good sign at least. Small steps are better than nothing and all that...

anonymous_joe

Well more (very) small steps taken today.

So long as I don't push things too hard, too fast, I think we can at least begin to rebuild our friendship, even if it takes a long time.

But ah well, I'm more than willing to wait as long as I have to.

Wibbs

anonymous_joe wrote: »

But ah well, I'm more than willing to wait as long as I have to.

While that's a very noble attitude, I would say don't. Don't wait around as long as you have to, unless there are clear signs that you may get what you want out of this.

Mooning over one person and putting your emotional life on hold is a really bad plan. You will miss others that may give you a better emotional life and future. Ok moping around for a while is natural, but waiting is on a hiding to nothing. I've seen men and women wait for someone right up to the moment the person married someone else. Wasted years on this guff. Weeks fair enough, months a bit of a stretch, years a complete no no.

You do not want to end up in the friendzone when you want more. Bad plan. She will go off with somebody else and then where will you be? Still waiting or grabbing at the freindship straw? It'll be cool for her, she'll get to have the best of both worlds. She'll be all cool with the idea of you as a "friend", she gets you as a shoulder to cry on and whoever she's with as a future to build on. The other guy will be grand, he's getting her as a girlfriend. You will be the guy on his own.

I say this, because you need to let this one go, or that's what will happen 99 times out of 100.

If you do want her back, then let her go completely. I mean completely. Let her go with your best wishes and hopes for her and move on. Don't be her "friend" because you know and I know that you want more. She definitely will know this and this will screw the pooch if you're trying to get back with her as you're looking for friendship with an ulterior motive. She would be right too, you're not being honest with yourself and with her.

Let her contact you if she wants, start living your own life, get out more, go out with other women. If it's meant to be it will be. Waiting will get you nowhere and in fact will lower your emotional currency in her eyes, even if subconsciously. Guaranteed.

anonymous_joe

Wibbs wrote: »

While that's a very noble attitude, I would say don't. Don't wait around as long as you have to, unless there are clear signs that you may get what you want out of this.

Mooning over one person and putting your emotional life on hold is a really bad plan. You will miss others that may give you a better emotional life and future. Ok moping around for a while is natural, but waiting is on a hiding to nothing. I've seen men and women wait for someone right up to the moment the person married someone else. Wasted years on this guff. Weeks fair enough, months a bit of a stretch, years a complete no no.

You do not want to end up in the friendzone when you want more. Bad plan. She will go off with somebody else and then where will you be? Still waiting or grabbing at the freindship straw? It'll be cool for her, she'll get to have the best of both worlds. She'll be all cool with the idea of you as a "friend", she gets you as a shoulder to cry on and whoever she's with as a future to build on. The other guy will be grand, he's getting her as a girlfriend. You will be the guy on his own.

I say this, because you need to let this one go, or that's what will happen 99 times out of 100.

If you do want her back, then let her go completely. I mean completely. Let her go with your best wishes and hopes for her and move on. Don't be her "friend" because you know and I know that you want more. She definitely will know this and this will screw the pooch if you're trying to get back with her as you're looking for friendship with an ulterior motive. She would be right too, you're not being honest with yourself and with her.

Let her contact you if she wants, start living your own life, get out more, go out with other women. If it's meant to be it will be. Waiting will get you nowhere and in fact will lower your emotional currency in her eyes, even if subconsciously. Guaranteed.

Good advice, actually.

I'm doing my best to live my life at the moment, to be honest, I just think friendship would be best in that it allows us some degree of contact, I wouldn't be willing to offer as much emotional support as I did when I was her boyfriend, simply because that's beyond being friend at this stage of our relationship.

And believe me, I couldn't be going out more. At least not unless I had no college, infinite money and so on.

But yeah, thanks for the advice, I'll definitely use it.

anonymous_joe

I think the most important thing to do is to retain the distance, especially when I'm lonely and stressed (damn exams. ). I'm doing alright at giving her space, and I've managed to be friendly and charming when we have spoken, so that's going alright, slowly as it is.

Once the real summer starts (roll on Monday) I'll be able to keep myself busy, which should make things a lot easier. At the end of the day, she's someone who f*cked up, but then, so did I, so I guess I would like to give it another go, given that a couple of stupid mistakes are hardly a good enough reason to abandon love forever.

Ah well, I'll try not to offer the support I used to, on the basis that that's a bf/gf thing, rather than a friend thing, and I'll wait for her to want to make contact.

anonymous_joe

Hmmm. I know where I stand now at least.

The negative side is that's there a lot of work that'll need to be done, and it'll be a slow and most likely painful process.

The positive side is that there's a timid and certainly cautious desire on both sides to establish a friendly relationship again. Obviously I'll need to go slowly, and be wary of offering too much support, in case I end up becoming a crutch and finding myself stuck indefinitely in the friendship zone.

Ah well.

Hope springs eternal. So at least there's some mild hope for tonight.

papillon66

Hi Anonimous joe,

I've been following your thread since the firdt day you posted it.You sound like a very genuine and kind person...My heart goes for you as I know it's not somethiing easy to do...and it's not aconfortable place to be-Wibbs gave you very good advices and to be honest I take them also myself on board-Thanks Wibb:)

Love and friendship have a lot of different colors depending on people and the hardest thing to do it's to find the right color that suits 2 people at the same time...and you're trying to find that color-I really hope that you'll do it and that you'll find it-Hope and patience can do a lot...keep the eyes on the prize but don't forget yourself, fill yourself with with good things - Don't keep your ex as a safety net,the kinda better friendship than nothing ,anyhow the friendship is there, now you know it...but see the biggest picture,after the nothing there is you and you are as far as I could read in this post a great person:)

Rebuild your confidence and yourself first...that's your main goal for now-and it will keep you out "the waiting" pattern, but will put you in "the moving on" from the pain-And that doesn't mean that your feelings for your ex will change but you'll be a better and happy man/woman for your ex or maybe someone else...there is a say in French I use to like: Aides-toi et le ciel t'aidera-which means...help yourself first and the sky(or whoever you believe in) will help you...and to be honest it works for me even though I'm atheiste;)...everytime I've done something good for myself when the situation wasn't really clear, or when I need it the most,something good happened in my life-Not always what I could expect but yet still something good and sometimes it was even more that I would expect!:D

That's the thing, life is full of surprises if we allow and give ourself what we deserve when we need it the most

Just wanted to share this with you, hope it helps:)

anonymous_joe

Thanks for the support.

I am trying to lead my own life independantly of her at the moment, and I'm doing alright at that, but certainly my feelings for her remain as strong as ever, despite some attempts by others to convince me otherwise.

I'd never forgive myself if I gave up on this when there's even the smallest hope, and I mean, given that I can still see other people, if I want to, then it's not such a big sacrifice, but I do care about her, and I think both of us would be happier together than with other people, especially now that we're both aware of what was hurting us at the time.

Anyways, just got to avoid losing hope and stay patient and strong. Which should be easy. >< But then, if everything was easy, we wouldn't care as much, would we? ^^

anonymous_joe

While I wouldn't say that I'm entirely over the initial loss of the relationship (probably far from it) I would feel that I'm not just pursuing something because of a fear of change, or because I want what I can;t have, in fact it's very different from that.

I still love her, and she does give me the impression that she still cares deeply for me, though I also get the impression she's very scared, and much more deeply hurt than she'd ever let on (almost sounds like I dumped her, but I digress).

I suppose given that, it's obvious that I shouldn't put my life on hold for her, because I doubt that would come across well, but I certainly think that I'd be a fool if I ever gave up on this, because there's still a lot of potential.

I just wish I had the patience of a saint now. But ah well, one can't have everything. But all I can do is wait, give her time, and hope that things will work out well for us both.

anonymous_joe

God it's hard to stay patient.

All I'll say is, if I wasn't keeping myself as busy as possible I'd have probably ruined this by now. The obvious disadvantage of one person still not being ready to take the risk...

Well, guess there isn't much I can do other than try and stay focused on keeping myself happy these days, and giving her the time she needs. Better than blundering in and ruining things at least.

But I'd love to just wake up and find it all fixed... Heh.

Wibbs

Honest hat on now.....

Patience is only a virtue when you're waiting for something that is healthy for you or has a good chance of happening, otherwise it's just plain waiting for nothing.

While I understand your need to get this out in a place like this, these feelings you have especially at this raw stage will be picked up by her. Not good.

While I understand those feelings themselves, you're not moving on even a little. Yes you're saying the right things, even doing the right things, but you're doing them for her and the relationship, not for you. There is a difference, but you're too close to it to see it yet. Not good, but should pass with time.

You're still in the kidding yourself stage. Where everything she says or said in the past has gained huge significance and usually the wrong significance. You're essentially building an idea after the fact of a relationship that may not have existed in the first place, or at least to the degree you thought. Clearly as she thought differently.

You want to get through this with the added bonus of the best chance of getting her and more importantly yourself back? You want the two words that will start you on that path?

It's over.

That's it right there. Now that's sounds and is simple but it's like telling a fat bloke asking for weight loss advice, just move more and eat less. It's 100% correct but far easier said than done. Same with you.

Let's break it down one more time. She left you. She looked at you and the relationship and for whatever reason didn't see a future and rejected you and the relationship on that basis. Fact. No one is going to leave a situation where they're happy the majority of the time(unless they're nutjobs). Also a fact.

Secondly this didn't come out of the blue. It never does(unless they're nutjobs). Something to do with you and the relationship built up to the point where the straw broke her camels back.

Again it's over. You need to start to acknowledge that and learn from that and in particular learn what part you played in who it came to end. Do not get me wrong, it's not all your doing. It takes two to tango and she had a part to play too. What I am saying and this goes for your feelings for her, there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about how she feels or acts. You can only do that with yourself. So start and I don't mean keep busy.

They say you can't make someone come back or make someone feel something for you and they're right, but only to a point. The truth is when you met you did something to make her respond to you. You by your actions made her fall for you. More correctly you didn't dissuade her from her idea that she might fall for you. Splits happen when that goes the other way. When the person doesn't turn out to be the person you thought and all that stuff.

While you can't make someone love you, you can drive them away. Putting pressure on her will do it. Moping and obsessing about her will do it too, even if she doesn't see it. She will the next time you meet. Women are very sensitive to that.

So accept it's over, grieve for it, forget about reconcilliation and move on in your life as quickly as possible. To sugar that pill, think of it this way, if you are a stronger, more together man the next time you meet her, that will peak her interest. She'll certainly respect you more and after that you never know. You may get her back, but if you get yourself back it won't matter either way.

anonymous_joe

Hmm fair enough. Sensible enough words.

I wouldn't agree 100%, but I would to a large degree. The difficulty is convincing myself fully.

I've a summer to get myself back together, experience new things, then back to college, so it should be ok.

I won't fully let go of my hope, but I'll definitely do my best to move on from it. Most sensible approach.

anonymous_joe

Well, I've pretty much accepted that nothing's going to happen for a long time if ever, but still slowly but surely trying to piece together our friendship, and making a little progress I hope. And there's no point giving up on your hopes entirely, at least if you can maintain some perspective.

anonymous_joe

I haven't really spoken to her now in about a week and a half, and I was just wondering, should I keep doing that, and wait for her to try and talk to me, or should I say something, even if it's just 'hey, how are you?'.

Wibbs

Simply let her go. Stop obsessing about her, if you should ring or txt or whatever and accept, truly accept it's history. The future may bring god knows what but you need to move into that future.

anonymous_joe

Ah yeah. You're right.

I'm just being silly by now. Sure I've already stopped talking etc. So may as well keep that up and just hope for the best.

anonymous_joe

Oddly enough, we accidentally started talking today, and ended up having a brief argument. We ended up talking about how things went bad, and a little bit of blaming.

But she did say she'd like to try and be friends again. I'm a little confused and wary, but I'm not unhappy. Although I'm going to go very slowly and gently so as to protect myself.