Rules of the lab

Capt'n Midnight

Due to the high explosion content in chemistry labs, chemists have a strict set of rules that must be adhered to while in the lab.

* Mix, shake, explode!
* If you don't know what you are doing, do it anyway.
* Avogadro's number works for everything - it's magic!
* When in doubt, convert everything to moles.
* If you can not convert to moles, convert everything into gophers.
* If you need a straight line plot, use only two data points.
* When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
* Most chemicals can be distinguished by taste, or by huffing them.
* In case of prolonged exposure to water, treat exposed area with concentrated hydrochloric acid, then rinse with sulfuric acid.
* Dry ice should be held firmly at all times, without gloves of any kind.
* Experiments must be reproducible. They should fail the same way each time.
* First draw your curves, then plot your data.
* Warning labels are for pussies.
* If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
* In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
* Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
* Liquid nitrogen is to be thrown at other people.
* The glasses and coat really do make you look awesome. Wear them to increase your sex appeal.
* The answer to number 2 is D.
* When unsure of what to do, just throw chemicals together until something explodes.
* Team work is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
* No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
* Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
* All unmarked beakers contain highly toxic, fast-acting poisons.
* If you hear an explosion, first check your pants.
* If you find something in your pants wash it out quickly with highly concentrated bleach to avoid the ridicule of other chemists.
* Look to political science or the church for help when you are stuck on a problem (good luck).
* After heating a substance, touch it to make sure it's cooled down.
* Do something stupid ONLY when the teacher is watching.
* Remember, open flames are the safest flames.
* For unknown substances, always rely on the three T's: touch, taste, and tequila.
* The only reason alcohol is an important experimental substance is because you are supposed to drink it, then experiment.
* Everything is better with big booms.
* Make sure to always change or make up data when they do not agree with your expectations.
* Always transfer chemicals using your mouth as a pipette.
* If you spill acid on the table, make sure to use your partner's lab coat to clean it up, preferably when they're not looking.
* Wash your eyes in the chemicals used in the experiment and then fail to use to eyewash station.
* The purpose of distilled water bottles is to squirt water at others.
* If you're not first, you're last.
* If you can't clean it, break it.
* If you can't break it, eat it.
* If you can't eat it, force someone else to eat it or light it on fire.

Stuff you should do in chemistry lessons

* Throw up a LAN host of Slayer, Chill Out, first to 25, neutral host, on Halo PC. Be sure to be playing even when the Good Dr. is behind you and can see your screen - he won't care.
* Steal people's weekend exercises.
* Mix every chemical in the lab into a pot and light it (if its not already on fire).
* Juggle large blocks of dry ice (you thought normal ice was hard).
* If short on blankets at your residence, the fire blankets are very comfortable and freely available.
* Cause as much random senseless destruction as possible, then blame the teacher.
* Show up with bags of fertilizer and diesel fuel and express an intense interest in government buildings (Science project???).
* Not satisfied with your grade? Report your teacher to your local counter-terrorist unit as a bomb maker.
* Still not happy your teacher was released 3 years later? Plant evidence and repeat.
* Create a forum account for your teacher on Al Jazeera's website just for kicks.
* Keep packets of artificial sweetener in your lab coat at all times. Every compound in organic chemistry is a white powder, and you never know when you will accidentally spill the chemical you were working with down your lab-partner's blouse.
* The varnish you receive is very useful when the girl(s) next to you is having her monthly period.
* Ask the teacher if you can thermite your old cell phone.
* If the teacher says that you cannot thermite your old cell phone, hit her head on the lab table and submerge it in acid
* Or, failing that, too, convert everything to gophers.
* Use a scale to balance equations.

[edit]http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Chemistry