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Toilet Etiquette

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  • 28-04-2008 2:16pm
    #1
    Homer
    Registered Users Posts: 4,316 ✭✭✭


    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back at our desks and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK CRAP is inevitable. For those who hate crapping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    CROP DUSTING
    When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY
    The act of scouting out a toilet before crapping. Walk in and check for other crappers. If there are others in the toilet, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the toilet.

    ESCAPEE
    A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a crap in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK
    When forcing a crap, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the toilet to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the crap hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the crap has
    to stink up the toilet. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME
    Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the toilet. This can be a very
    uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET CRAPPER
    A colleague who craps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet crapper enter the toilet with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet crapper before entering the toilet.

    THE CRAPPING FRIENDS NETWORK (C.F.N)
    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency crapping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet crappers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS
    A seldom used toilet somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a crapper of your sex entering the toilet.

    TURD BURGLAR
    Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a crap at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH
    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the toilet that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE
    A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the toilet immediately so the crapper can crap in peace.

    WATERMELON
    A crap that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANAOMELET
    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED
    A toilet user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to crap when the toilet is empty. This benefits you as well as the other toilet attendees.


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