The "wrong hole" girl... and other rumours which turned out to be false

Ruu_Old

People from nearby smaller towns went to our secondary school. One particular pair of chaps were rather odd. One told us (about his friend) "he told me that his willy curled up like a pigs tail when he got an erection!"

RandolphEsq

I heard one of this girl in a local school who used an electric toothbrush as a vibrator and it got stuck up her vag so she had to go to hospital to get it removed.

RandolphEsq

Also heard of this quite absurd rumour about the javelin thrower who was executing a throw and due to a massive volume of steroids in his body when he did that final step as you release the javelin his leg muscles just popped out through the skin.


Inspired by that comment on Trappatoni I am going to start a rumour that Cristiano Ronaldo has announced in Madrid tonight that he intends to leave Man Utd. It was decided over a dinner with Real Madrid president Calderon over dinner in the Real Madrid official team hotel.

Steve_o

zuchum wrote: »

As far as I know,this story is true. But it may
have been exaggerated. My mates on a night out with his work people,in some ****ty club when one of his mates starts copping off with thisbird. After a while they go outside to a lane and he starts riding her with no johnny on. Then when he's about to come he goes,k,sh*t,i'm gonna come,but she holds him close and whispers in his ear "No,I want a baby..."


So he headbutts her,and legs it.

LOL:D Brilliant!!!!

Great thread!! :D 5 Stars

Love the one about the penis exploding aswell!!

JangoFett

This one's a true story, as I witnessed it

A gay friend of mine who when he had long hair looked quite feminine, well, we were in this club and this spanish dude starts comin onto my friend and starts kissing him....after a while, dunno if he dropped the hand or what, realises he's kissing a guy starts to freak out and runs off, literally...RAN off!!

thefinalstage

JangoFett wrote: »

This one's a true story, as I witnessed it

A gay friend of mine who when he had long hair looked quite feminine, well, we were in this club and this spanish dude starts comin onto my friend and starts kissing him....after a while, dunno if he dropped the hand or what, realises he's kissing a guy starts to freak out and runs off, literally...RAN off!!

I would order a few shots and continue. A mouths a mouth! Lol

Capt'n Midnight

Ruu wrote: »

People from nearby smaller towns went to our secondary school. One particular pair of chaps were rather odd. One told us (about his friend) "he told me that his willy curled up like a pigs tail when he got an erection!"

There was a young man called Dick,
Who had a corkscrew príck,
He had a lifelong hunt,
To find a girl with a spiral c*nt.

He finished his search in far Glamorgan
When he found a girl with such an organ,
But his wedding night was a night of dread
When he found she had a left hand thread

Johannes Scotus

redfacedbear wrote: »

Heard a variation on that

A couple decided to enjoy some role-play. She is tied naked to the bed, he, in the batman outfit, climbs into the wardrobe. The idea being that he bursts out to rescue the damsel in distress. He somehow manages to topple the wardrobe forward on the doors, thus trapping himself.

There's two versions of how the story ends -

1: the couple are found dead a few weeks later in their respective positions

2: they had to be rescued by the fire brigade after the woman calls alert a neighbour.

I've heard this story both here in Ireland and in Finland

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3gfpNSQYpY

ETA: should read full thread before posting

Johannes Scotus

Maybe a bit off topic, but funny story.

Used to give classes in a hospital, during one class asked them about funny or strange things that happened with patients.

Seems that one night this guy went to the hospital with a light bulb up his ass, the muscles had conracted and they had to give him injections to make the muscles relax.

What I found funny about the story was his explanation:

So, there I was lying stomach down, naked on my bed. The bulb must have unscrewed itself, it dropped and went up ..................

kmart6

Johannes Scotus wrote: »

So, there I was lying stomach down, naked on my bed. The bulb must have unscrewed itself, it dropped and went up ..................

Must have been falling from some height:rolleyes:

binhead

wasn't the one mentioned earlier about the girl spreading dogfood one her bermuda triangle supposed to have been caught on telly fission in spain where ricky martin was hiding in her wardrobe to surprise her on some tv show?

except it was Pate.

.................................... And There was guy in our school called Noddy and Cat.

Poor bloke always looked so forlorn, I never believed he banged that tabby.

LIES!

brazilicious

has anyone said the one about the woman who went to some striptease show on a hen night?
yer man threw off his thong and it landed on her head..over the next few days her eye started to get sore and within a fornight she had a lump like a golfball on th side of her face...
doctors couldnt figure out wat it was so they decided to lance it..when the cut it open it was full of little insect type creatures,hundreds of them..

yer man had crabs..one got in her eye and laid eggs...!

binhead

That would have been a bitch to explain on the wedding day... "No honeybunch, I didn't cheat on you, I just got crabs off a sandwich...

brazilicious

didnt know you could get them in your face though...! urban myth??

Ross_Mahon

I don't know what a tracker mortgage is...

binhead

we're in the wrong thread..

yeah?

Ross_Mahon wrote: »

I don't know what a tracker mortgage is...

Hahaha! Priceless.

NorfolkEnchants

Quality thread, some of the funniest posts ever.

This story kinda links in with another thread on stupid Americans, but here goes, pretty certain this one is for real anyway...

Group of Irish lads in America on the Californian side of things, San Diego, got chatting to a group of American girls. One of the lads is getting on really well with one of them and she asks him (as stupid Americans tend to) "Can you speak any Gaelic?"

So the guy is there giving his best with all the lines he can remember from national school - "Is maith liom caca milis", "Is aobhinn liom mo Mhamai" etc etc

They're getting on great, then yer man heads for the TK Maxx to drain the spuds. The American girl follows him in and drags him into a cubicle. They're there kissing away, things getting heavy, and she starts kissing him down his chest whilst opening his shirt down to the top of his jeans, opens his jeans, takes his c*ck out and looks up at him and says "Give me some more of that Gaelic"

Yer man panics, has already given everything he knows and can't think of anything but doesn't want to pass up a bj, so he closes his eyes tight, and says:

"Ar n-athair, ata ar Neamh..."

Reckons he'll never go to Mass again!!

kmart6

F*cking brilliant!!!

pookie82

Anyone heard the one where a woman is found dead in her bath after neighbours mention she hasn't been around etc.... Cops break in to find her in strange circumstances and an autopsy concludes that while in the bath one evening she decided to pleasure herself with a live lobster. So she inserts one end (claws tied, i presume) and uses a lighter to agitate the end left outside of her so it'll squirm and do the trick. But the lobster freaks out, s**ts inside her and the resulting toxic waste kills her stone dead. So far fetched I dread to think who even came up with it, let alone believed it, yet i knew some who did.

On a completely different note a neighbour of mine freaked the crap outta me when I was ten by telling me that my house was built on an ancient Indian burial ground and was horribly haunted as a result. Led to many a sleepless night despite the fact that I lived in mayo!!!! Likelihood of said Indians burying anything there didn't really occur to me.

kmart6

pookie82 wrote: »

Anyone heard the one where a woman is found dead in her bath after neighbours mention she hasn't been around etc.... Cops break in to find her in strange circumstances and an autopsy concludes that while in the bath one evening she decided to pleasure herself with a live lobster. So she inserts one end (claws tied, i presume) and uses a lighter to agitate the end left outside of her so it'll squirm and do the trick. But the lobster freaks out, s**ts inside her and the resulting toxic waste kills her stone dead. So far fetched I dread to think who even came up with it, let alone believed it, yet i knew some who did.

That one's ancient....was another variation of it where the lobster came and released all it's sperm/eggs which hatched inside her and killed her!

pookie82

That could be it, i couldn't remember the exact details!!!

Chopper71

Again, this is supposed to be very true, have read through the thread and didn't see it yet.

A blokes at a party, goes upstairs to the toilet, theres a long queue. Finally gets in and does a huge dump. After so many people using the toilet, the cisten hasn't filled up again. Old house, old toilet, its going to take ages.

People begin to knock on the door to see whats the delay. He is panicked and is staring at his oversized floating mars bar in the jacks.

Finally he has a plan, rolls up his sleave. Grabs it & F*ucks it out the window.

Job Done. Strolls out of the toilet, down the stairs to find a room full of people (music stopped) staring up at the glass conservatary roof & watching his Turd slowly sliding down the glass.

Joe Cool

Yeah, the turd out the window one is class.
I heard it about a Debs and the parents and the girl were waiting in the conservatory.
Very funny, wonder how it was removed.


:cool:

MIN2511

Chopper71 wrote: »

Again, this is supposed to be very true, have read through the thread and didn't see it yet.

A blokes at a party, goes upstairs to the toilet, theres a long queue. Finally gets in and does a huge dump. After so many people using the toilet, the cisten hasn't filled up again. Old house, old toilet, its going to take ages.

People begin to knock on the door to see whats the delay. He is panicked and is staring at his oversized floating mars bar in the jacks.

Finally he has a plan, rolls up his sleave. Grabs it & F*ucks it out the window.

Job Done. Strolls out of the toilet, down the stairs to find a room full of people (music stopped) staring up at the glass conservatary roof & watching his Turd slowly sliding down the glass.

BRILLIANT!!!! LMAO

deise_boi

Was'nt the throwing the turd out the window on one of the Podge & Rodge episodes??

GirlInterrupted

deise_boi wrote: »

Was'nt the throwing the turd out the window on one of the Podge & Rodge episodes??

Yes, it was, and it was very funny:D. Who cares if it's not true?

Thrill

Chopper71 wrote: »

Again, this is supposed to be very true, have read through the thread and didn't see it yet.

A blokes at a party, goes upstairs to the toilet, theres a long queue. Finally gets in and does a huge dump. After so many people using the toilet, the cisten hasn't filled up again. Old house, old toilet, its going to take ages.

People begin to knock on the door to see whats the delay. He is panicked and is staring at his oversized floating mars bar in the jacks.

Finally he has a plan, rolls up his sleave. Grabs it & F*ucks it out the window.

Job Done. Strolls out of the toilet, down the stairs to find a room full of people (music stopped) staring up at the glass conservatary roof & watching his Turd slowly sliding down the glass.


www.Irishbargainhunters.com

:D:D

I hadn't heard that one before. Class.

gcgirl

Chopper71 wrote: »

Again, this is supposed to be very true, have read through the thread and didn't see it yet.

A blokes at a party, goes upstairs to the toilet, theres a long queue. Finally gets in and does a huge dump. After so many people using the toilet, the cisten hasn't filled up again. Old house, old toilet, its going to take ages.

People begin to knock on the door to see whats the delay. He is panicked and is staring at his oversized floating mars bar in the jacks.

Finally he has a plan, rolls up his sleave. Grabs it & F*ucks it out the window.

Job Done. Strolls out of the toilet, down the stairs to find a room full of people (music stopped) staring up at the glass conservatary roof & watching his Turd slowly sliding down the glass.

Didn't Billy Connolly use this story in one of his stand ups?

Supermanscat

Heard this story from three different people about three different locations so is obviously a lie but anyway:

This lad is on the piss one night and lucky enough for him pulls a bird who is, if not more drunk than him!! Anyway he brings her home goes upstairs and gets down to the dirty with her!! Finished anyway he heads downstairs for a feed while his conquest falls asleep.

He meets the lads downstairs and starts boasting, he then tells them to go up themselves and have a go and that because it's dark she wont know the difference!!

So one lad decides not to pass up this oppurtunity and goes upstairs to give this girl round two!! Sure enough it's dark and the woman due to her intoxication and dark surroundings doesn notice the difference, luckily for the second man!

Anyway they both fall asleep and in the mornin the man wakes up to find his sister sleeping beside him!!!

smellslikeshoes

Supermanscat wrote: »

Heard this story from three different people about three different locations so is obviously a lie but anyway:

This lad is on the piss one night and lucky enough for him pulls a bird who is, if not more drunk than him!! Anyway he brings her home goes upstairs and gets down to the dirty with her!! Finished anyway he heads downstairs for a feed while his conquest falls asleep.

He meets the lads downstairs and starts boasting, he then tells them to go up themselves and have a go and that because it's dark she wont know the difference!!

So one lad decides not to pass up this oppurtunity and goes upstairs to give this girl round two!! Sure enough it's dark and the woman due to her intoxication and dark surroundings doesn notice the difference, luckily for the second man!

Anyway they both fall asleep and in the mornin the man wakes up to find his sister sleeping beside him!!!

Haha thats a good one

JohnCleary

Chopper71 wrote: »

Again, this is supposed to be very true, have read through the thread and didn't see it yet.

A blokes at a party, goes upstairs to the toilet, theres a long queue. Finally gets in and does a huge dump. After so many people using the toilet, the cisten hasn't filled up again. Old house, old toilet, its going to take ages.

People begin to knock on the door to see whats the delay. He is panicked and is staring at his oversized floating mars bar in the jacks.

Finally he has a plan, rolls up his sleave. Grabs it & F*ucks it out the window.

Job Done. Strolls out of the toilet, down the stairs to find a room full of people (music stopped) staring up at the glass conservatary roof & watching his Turd slowly sliding down the glass.

That just doesn't make sense

1) It's a party - chances are it's going to be dark outside
2) Everyone is prob gonna be drunk, hardly gazing into the sky - unless it was a 'Telescope Club' party

Yes, i'm a spoil sport!

Cato

JohnCleary wrote: »

That just doesn't make sense

1) It's a party - chances are it's going to be dark outside
2) Everyone is prob gonna be drunk, hardly gazing into the sky - unless it was a 'Telescope Club' party

Yes, i'm a spoil sport!

ya had to be there!:p

DonalN

can't remember who told me this one...

Guy was on holidays and met a bird, spent the night etc etc...

In the morning, he woke first and wanted to make a hasty retreat before she woke up. He was on the inside of the bed by the wall and had to step over her to get out. As he was stepping over her, the mix of beer and grub form the previous night decided to make a little appearance, and he made a small deposit onto her back.

It didn't wake her, so he legged it.

Steve_o

DonalN wrote: »

can't remember who told me this one...

Guy was on holidays and met a bird, spent the night etc etc...

In the morning, he woke first and wanted to make a hasty retreat before she woke up. He was on the inside of the bed by the wall and had to step over her to get out. As he was stepping over her, the mix of beer and grub form the previous night decided to make a little appearance, and he made a small deposit onto her back.

It didn't wake her, so he legged it.

I heard this before only slightly different, I heard as he was leaving, he moved the sheets to get out from under them and she had left a little "deposit" on the bed, so he just legged it!!

Korvanica

Sanjuro wrote: »

Heard a rumour about a guy (friend of a friend, etc... :rolleyes:) who was playing about in the muck with his girlfriend. She had neglected to have a dump and clean the pipes out before hand. He got a piece of undigested sweetcorn stuck up his urethra and when he went for a pee, his penis exploded.

HA!

Minder

Parents go on holiday with their daughter and allow her boyfriend to come along. But the rules are that the daughter & boyfriend must have separate rooms. Each morning she comes into his room to use the on-suite. Early one morning, they are in the bed having a kiss & a cuddle and he's getting frisky and gets her knickers off, with that, she hears her mother coming up the stairs so she legs it to the shower.

The mother knocks and opens the door, asking him if he wants some breakfast. Thanks, he replies - a cup of coffee and a couple of croissants. Off the mother goes. He decides the only way to get some relief is to bash one out, and while working away he finds the knickers. Has a gusset sniff and then pulls them over his head while finishing off. After he is finished, he takes the knickers off his head, and there, at the side of the bed is a cup of coffee and two croissants.:D

kmart6

Awww that's rotten!!!

Bodhan

Minder wrote: »

Parents go on holiday with their daughter and allow her boyfriend to come along. But the rules are that the daughter & boyfriend must have separate rooms. Each morning she comes into his room to use the on-suite. Early one morning, they are in the bed having a kiss & a cuddle and he's getting frisky and gets her knickers off, with that, she hears her mother coming up the stairs so she legs it to the shower.

The mother knocks and opens the door, asking him if he wants some breakfast. Thanks, he replies - a cup of coffee and a couple of croissants. Off the mother goes. He decides the only way to get some relief is to bash one out, and while working away he finds the knickers. Has a gusset sniff and then pulls them over his head while finishing off. After he is finished, he takes the knickers off his head, and there, at the side of the bed is a cup of coffee and two croissants.:D

Hehe, I love it. I wonder did the Mammy have a watch? LOL :P

tribulus

There's been loads of variations on that one tbh. One of which was on a Graham Norton show - where a son was **** face down on the couch and when he finished there was a cup of tea and biscuits beside him, left by his mother.

Pride Fighter

LOL 5 star thread.

brianthebard

thelastangryman wrote: »

Thats quite possible true depending on the size of the dog.

Someone posted a link to a webpage on how to have sex with your dog on a different forum....I think they got banned, but still...

AARRRGH

brianthebard wrote: »

Someone posted a link to a webpage on how to have sex with your dog on a different forum....I think they got banned, but still...

I've seen the forum with all that stuff in it. There's a thread called "User Photos". I had a look... Absolutely amazingly a lot of the users were female, and a few of them were quite good looking.

(Before an ugly person gives out to me, my point is these people, with the advantage they have of being good looking, pretty much have their choice of "humans" to have sex with.)

brianthebard

There's no accounting for fetishes dude...now what was that webaddress again??

AARRRGH

You mean the web address for the beast forum? I can't remember...

thefinalstage

Google is your friend Brian.

gubbie

My friends unbelievably gullable so I convinced her that Sonia O'Sullivan was on French currency. I don't know how she believed that one

robbingood

some lads like 2do it on purpose.i know of one of 2fellas who like 1in the pink2in the stink a.k.a the bowling ball

brianthebard

robbingood wrote: »

some lads like 2do it on purpose.i know of one of 2fellas who like 1in the pink2in the stink a.k.a the bowling ball

yea i think a lot of guys like to do it on purpose tbh.

The Don

A friend of mine told these about a few older lads he works with.

Two of them head to england for a weekend. They get a 2 bed room in some hotel and then hit the bars. After a good few points one of the lads gets talking to a woman. He ends up bringing her back to their room. He goes at it with her and after falls asleep. All the while the other guy is pretending to be asleep in the other bed. When he's sure that his mate is asleep he goes over and whkes the girl up. He asks her if she'd like round two. She did.

Three of the older lads are over in england for a weekend drinking session. To save some cash for the drink they decide to stay in a hostel and get a 4 bed room together. They're out and they get talking to a few women. One of them gets pissed and falls asleep but the other two pull their respective birds. They head back to the hostel with the women and dragging the other fella. They dump the drunk lad in the corner and hop into their beds with the women and get down to business. One of the lads is half way through when he looks into the corner and sees the drunk guy with his lad out pulling himself off to them.