To Live Together or Not???

Zulu

Zulu wrote: »

Why would he buy her a ring?

She asked him.

I don't agree with that logic.
I think marraige is a partnership and regardless of who does the asking people should share the costs. All the costs.

I think it is preety clear that the issue with JackieO friend is that he doesn't want to make it offical, not a cash issue.

Zulu

Moonbaby wrote: »

I don't agree with that logic.
I think marraige is a partnership and regardless of who does the asking people should share the costs. All the costs.

Dang tootin', I couldn't agree more.

I think it is preety clear that the issue with JackieO friend is that he doesn't want to make it offical, not a cash issue.

I think it's pretty clear her friend has a very particular perception of what she wants - good for her. But that wasn't the point I was making.

Moonbaby wrote: »

Eh Marraige is about status.

Engagement rings.
...I think you are missing my point entirely tbh.

Quality

I moved in with my oh 9 years ago.

We only got married last year, We were just to busy living life to get married.

Marriage was the next logical step for us to take, We wanted to vow to spend the rest of our lives together. It was great to have all our friends and family there to witness us seal our love.

It doesnt mean that my relationship is any better than someone who is not married, It is just what we wanted. A celebration of our love.

I think what is important in relationships is to do what you feel is right. If living together seems right do it. If getting married doesnt seem right for whatever reason, dont get pushed into it. I dont think relationships are judged on whether you are married or not.

Nevyn

I can certainly understand that when a person is older and has already done a messy break up where they have been co habiting.
They have had the stress of having to find somewhere else to live due to practicalities
or that they just can't live in that space as it's upsetting that they are very reluctant to have anyone move in.

People will also have their own lives, their own routine esp if they are living on their own or
are used to being able to spend hours uninterrupted be it reading or what ever.

Seriously there is nothing more annoying then someone who can't shut up for two hours or be in the same room or the same house
with out every 10 to 15 minutes or so of started just any conversation so they can interact with you.

Having some one stay over even as much as 4 nights a week means there are 3 nights
where a person can get on with living their own life and doing things themselves and being there for their friends.

Yes if a couple are going to get married then yes they need to have a bash at cohabiting but what is the rush ? What is with the pressure that after 2 years or more of dating people are expected to move in or else it is not a real relationship ?

At this stage I can see why long lasting marriage had arrangements where one of them traveled or they had separate bedrooms or
separate parts of the house to get away from each other.
I really don't think I could go back to sharing a bedroom with some one 24/7 I need my space.

Susannahmia

Beruthiel wrote: »

You only ever get to truly know someone when you've lived with them for x amount of time.

+1 My parents only moved in together after they married and it was an unmitigated disaster! They only lasted 10 months!:rolleyes: I will have to be living with someone a few years before I even consider getting married.

marti101

if i had my time over again i would not live with anybody[trying to get rid of the 1 i have]

jb-fletcher

this may sound strange coming from a woman i moved in with my oh about 7 months ago..its hell. the things i liked about him drive me mad. the romantic gestures are gone..i have a strong need for the physical side and that has vanished..out comes the farts and all the things that your partner should not see..its not all that bad we do have fun sometimes but we socialise separtley now and i wish i didnt move in with my oh so soon. really think things through b4 anyone moves in together:eek:

irishbird

irishbird wrote: »

yes, we moved in together for totally the wrong reasons and i would never have married either of them.

i as i said previously i have no problem with people living together, but it needs to be for the right reasons and if the reasons are right i.e. you love them and want to spend the rest of your life together then why not get married?

Not everyone wants to get married?
Marriage actually isn't the be-all and end-all for some people.

sharkie2008

jb-fletcher wrote: »

this may sound strange coming from a woman i moved in with my oh about 7 months ago..its hell. the things i liked about him drive me mad. the romantic gestures are gone..i have a strong need for the physical side and that has vanished..out comes the farts and all the things that your partner should not see..its not all that bad we do have fun sometimes but we socialise separtley now and i wish i didnt move in with my oh so soon. really think things through b4 anyone moves in together:eek:

how long had you been with you oh before moving in? just asking because i'm moving in with my boyfriend in about a months time and i know some friends who feel they rushed into moving in with oh's and i dont want to end up feeling that way too

John Mason

Deleted User wrote: »

Not everyone wants to get married?
Marriage actually isn't the be-all and end-all for some people.

did you read my post ? i have no intention of ever getting married, i am not saying it is the be all and end all for people.

i am just saying people should move in for the right reasons

Malari

irishbird wrote: »

did you read my post ? i have no intention of ever getting married, i am not saying it is the be all and end all for people.

i am just saying people should move in for the right reasons

But you already stated that if the reasons are right, ie that you love them and want to move in with them, why not get married? If marriage is not for you then you're by default stating that you wouldn't move in with someone because you don't want to marry them! What kind of logic is this!? Is the only right reason marriage in your mind?

John Mason

Malari wrote: »

But you already stated that if the reasons are right, ie that you love them and want to move in with them, why not get married? If marriage is not for you then you're by default stating that you wouldn't move in with someone because you don't want to marry them! What kind of logic is this!? Is the only right reason marriage in your mind?

i dont know whats going to happen in the future, at this moment in time marriage is the very last thing on my mind and it has been the last thing on my mind for the 33 years

i still have no desire to live with any or get married.

again, what i am saying is if you (other people i.e. not me) want to move in together, for the right reasons, then why not get married ?

Chinafoot

jb-fletcher wrote: »

this may sound strange coming from a woman i moved in with my oh about 7 months ago..its hell. the things i liked about him drive me mad. the romantic gestures are gone..i have a strong need for the physical side and that has vanished..out comes the farts and all the things that your partner should not see..its not all that bad we do have fun sometimes but we socialise separtley now and i wish i didnt move in with my oh so soon. really think things through b4 anyone moves in together:eek:

What makes you think it would have been any different if you had waited a few years before moving in together? Chances are the things you liked about him would still drive you mad. Do you think the romantic gestures would still be
there?

Living together is all about compromise, you make it work together. If one party is unwilling to compromise the relationship either ends or one person stays very, very miserable.

If your partner farting is a major problem for you I'd suggest living on your own in future tbh.

Chinafoot

irishbird wrote: »

again, what i am saying is if you (other people i.e. not me) want to move in together, for the right reasons, then why not get married ?

Ok look, you moved in with someone and it didn't work out. You feel that you did it too fast and for the wrong reasons. Grand.

Now, to me, planning to get married to someone BEFORE you even live with them would be far worse than what happened in your situation should things not work out. I'm shocked that someone who has had your experience has such a skewed view on things. It didn't work out for you in those situations but what happens if you do feel that this person is the one, you get married and then live together, 'cos after all...if you're going to move in together you may aswell go the whole hog and get married right? Now what happens if you discover living together just does not work for you? Would you not have rathered the opportunity to have known this before putting a ring on your finger? Would it not be more responsible to actually be sure that the realtionship can cope with living together before you make that big commitment?

You said that people don't take it seriously and do it for the wrong reasons, but tbh, I reckon the only one here that underestimates the importance of living together is you. Like MAJD said, marriage is not a fix all. If you're not compatible, you're not compatible. You'll find out when you live together and a ring on your finger sure isn't going to fix it.

irishbird

I did read your post irishbird and this is what I read

irishbird wrote: »

what i am saying is if you (other people i.e. not me) want to move in together, for the right reasons, then why not get married ?

Because, as I said, not everybody wants to get married!

Grapefruit Moon

i know it's different for every couple but for me and my bf moving in together was just the next natural step for us, it felt right and living in separate places just didn't feel right anymore, we've been living together for about 2 years now and it still feels like the right and best thing for us. Obviously there was some adjustment time needed as we're 2 individual people who needed to get to know what it was like living with each other, but right from the get go it just felt right and great! I'm not suggesting it's a bed of roses 100% of the time but i've found that with just being honest about those bits that annoy you,or about ur expectations helps alot. As for the marraige thing, i don't feel ready for it yet and i'm pretty sure he doesn't either, it may or may not happen in the future but it wasn't the reason for moving in together. I understand what people are saying about how living with someone gives you so much better insight but i don't agree that it should just be a trial run for marraige- it can be done for romantic reasons too!!! and yes i'm aware that makes me sound like a soppy sap but i'm not really!!

angelfire9

I moved in with my OH entirely by accident it just kinda happened and it seemed natural at the time for us to spend more and more time together until we actually lived together 100% of the time, and the first 6 months were a honeymoon, the next 6-12 months the novelty wore off and we found out things about each other that we hadn't known before (we were together 2 years before the big move) all in all we lived together for 3 years before we got married and i know i was so lucky that it worked out the way it did but i think there would have been alot more pressure on us 6 months in when all the minor disagreements came to light if we had been married at the time, because we weren't married or engaged it was less pressurised and we had more time to sort out everything.

Malari

irishbird wrote: »

i dont know whats going to happen in the future, at this moment in time marriage is the very last thing on my mind and it has been the last thing on my mind for the 33 years

i still have no desire to live with any or get married.

again, what i am saying is if you (other people i.e. not me) want to move in together, for the right reasons, then why not get married ?

I find it incredible that you have no desire to get married, yet you have no empathy or understanding with anyone else who feels the same way. I live together with my boyfriend and we will not be getting married. We do, however, plan to spend th rest of our lives together and are very happy.

RuailleBuaille

I'm with my OH nearly 5 years and the subject of living together comes up often. I told him that if we did move in just the two of us, there would have to be a spare room on hand.
"Why?" says he.
"Because every woman should have a room of her own."
"Says who?" he asks, seeing his 'media room' vanishing before his eyes.
"Sylvia Plath" I replied.
"Who's she?"
"An author and a poet. She killed herself"
"She mustn't have had a room of her own so"
:rolleyes:

SheRa

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

I'm with my OH nearly 5 years and the subject of living together comes up often. I told him that if we did move in just the two of us, there would have to be a spare room on hand.
"Why?" says he.
"Because every woman should have a room of her own."
"Says who?" he asks, seeing his 'media room' vanishing before his eyes.
"Sylvia Plath" I replied.
"Who's she?"
"An author and a poet. She killed herself"
"She mustn't have had a room of her own so"
:rolleyes:

Classic, fair play to you:D.

Lil' Smiler

Hmm... interesting. It's true a girls room would be nice if guys want their big tv room or whatever and i suppose we can kinda invade that.

I've discussed with the OH that if we lived together in the future that I would have to have a treatment room so that I can take clients at home, which he is more than happy with but didn't make a deal on it, whereby he would have an office or something.. which I'm sure he'd love but I'm happy with that!

For me anyway, it's not that I'd feel I'd HAVE to live with the OH but I'd like to, if he asked me I'm sure I'd jump at the chance...i'm not in a position financially to do so. For me it would be great because I enjoy his company so much and as sappy as it may sound I am at my happiest when I am with him and waking up with him in the morning is something that certainly brightens my days up!

allabouteve

angelfire9 wrote: »

I moved in with my OH entirely by accident it just kinda happened and it seemed natural at the time for us to spend more and more time together until we actually lived together 100% of the time, and the first 6 months were a honeymoon, the next 6-12 months the novelty wore off and we found out things about each other that we hadn't known before (we were together 2 years before the big move) all in all we lived together for 3 years before we got married and i know i was so lucky that it worked out the way it did but i think there would have been alot more pressure on us 6 months in when all the minor disagreements came to light if we had been married at the time, because we weren't married or engaged it was less pressurised and we had more time to sort out everything.

I think thats an excellent point. I don't know if I'm the marrying kind, but if I was at all thinking of it, I'd have to live with him first. If I get married, I'd want to be completely his, and him completely mine, and some experience beforehand of living together without the pressure of tying the knot would give me more faith in the relationship. You don't want to find out he's not completely committed when you have his baby on the inside.

neuro-praxis

I don't have any problems with people living together before they get married, as long as it works within their value systems.

Me and my husband didn't live together before getting married, though. We dated for six years and only moved in together after the honeymoon. It's funny that not living together pre-marriage is a whole new taboo. Lots of people advised us against it, and I can understand why, but only those on the fringes. We also got married really young, 21 and 22, which had some people in fits, but those who knew us best knew it was a good thing. We went with eyes open and did a thorough pre-marriage course talking through all the stuff majd brought up - finances, roles, expectations etc. We also read a book together that really asked some hard questions about our motives for marriage.

We're four years married this year and extremely happy. In fact I think we get happier every year. We definitely had a period of adjustment the year we got married, but on the whole it was successful. We both changed jobs and moved house that year, plus I had a final year of college to complete, so there was a lot going on.

Statistically, we were (and are) at a higher risk of failure because of our age, but not because we did not live together. There is a massively higher failure rate amongst couples who live together before marrying compared with those who have not. That doesn't make much sense, but it is true. It is also very interesting to look at the statistics regarding health, wealth and happiness of married individuals compared to unmarried - married people have a better chance of overcoming serious illnesses and on the whole live much longer! It's very surprising. There's a good sociology book on the subject called Why Marriage Matters- I remember reading it a few years back and being stunned.

I should mention I never had much interest in being married myself. It all just sort of happened in a wonderfully unexpected way.

JackieO

neuro-praxis wrote: »

I don't have any problems with people living together before they get married, as long as it works within their value systems.

Me and my husband didn't live together before getting married, though. We dated for six years and only moved in together after the honeymoon. It's funny that not living together pre-marriage is a whole new taboo. Lots of people advised us against it, and I can understand why, but only those on the fringes. We also got married really young, 21 and 22, which had some people in fits, but those who knew us best knew it was a good thing. We went with eyes open and did a thorough pre-marriage course talking through all the stuff majd brought up - finances, roles, expectations etc. We also read a book together that really asked some hard questions about our motives for marriage.

We're four years married this year and extremely happy. In fact I think we get happier every year. We definitely had a period of adjustment the year we got married, but on the whole it was successful. We both changed jobs and moved house that year, plus I had a final year of college to complete, so there was a lot going on.

Statistically, we were (and are) at a higher risk of failure because of our age, but not because we did not live together. There is a massively higher failure rate amongst couples who live together before marrying compared with those who have not. That doesn't make much sense, but it is true. It is also very interesting to look at the statistics regarding health, wealth and happiness of married individuals compared to unmarried - married people have a better chance of overcoming serious illnesses and on the whole live much longer! It's very surprising. There's a good sociology book on the subject called Why Marriage Matters- I remember reading it a few years back and being stunned.

I should mention I never had much interest in being married myself. It all just sort of happened in a wonderfully unexpected way.

Lovely story neuro-praxis and great points.

Thats not the first time I have heard that the divorce statistics for people who live together before marriage are higher than for those that don't. Hard to understand really. I have heard of so many couples though who live together for years, then get married and split up in the first year or two of marriage. I don't get it really, but it obviously happens a lot.

Dolbert

Interesting thread, especially since the boyfriend and I have just tonight decided that we're gonna move in together after 3 and a half years... Quite frankly I'm scared, but in a good way

DD

I am for living together before the big step.
It is fun and you can see better if it will be a big step or not.

Trinity

You dont really know someone until you live with them. Personally, I wouldnt get married without having lived with my partner first.

Trinity

Dolorous wrote: »

Interesting thread, especially since the boyfriend and I have just tonight decided that we're gonna move in together after 3 and a half years... Quite frankly I'm scared, but in a good way

Congrats!! Just dont let the little things turn into big things. Toilet seats, socks on floor, what end you squeeze the toothpaste from, are all so trivial at the end of the day, save the rows for the big stuff. Each of you share the chores, take turns whatever. But keep the balance!!

It takes time and plenty of adjustment so a bit of give and take goes a long way.

CathyMoran

I lived with my hubby on and off for about 9 years before we got married. I found that it made me make excuses for not getting married as sure, we were living together. In terms of financially, I always felt that it was my responsibility to go halves before we married, which left me broke sometimes. Since we married I have accepted that my husband earns more than me and that he can pay for more things.

If I were doing it again, much as I adore my hubby, I would not move in first as you do not get a true sense of the person (or how you will react to being married). Before we got married we rowed all the time, since we got married we have hardly rowed at all and have a far better relationship than I ever imagined.

I'm moving in with my boyfriend in a few weeks and I'm a bit nervous about it after reading this thread but on the other hand i'm not.
Its more the huge change and the moving process that making me nervous than anything

and the fact I will live with a man