the opposite sex (or same sex if you prefer)

redcrew

As a non-drinker I find it tough to chat up girls... it's the 'they'll think I'm a twat & I'm more conscious of it sober' syndrome. When I do get with someone it is generally with someone that I've become friends with. I also suffer from the 'isn't he nice' syndrome - the death-knell to any romantic liasion! If I am interested in someone I can never tell if they are interested in me or not so too much time passes.

so I was just wondering how you all deal with it?

RedXIV

Right, i can't actually give you PERSONAL advice because i do drink but i go out every now and again with two pioneers and they had initial problems like yourself. Now apparently one night, myself and another friend of mine in a drunken stupor proceeded to tell these two where they were going wrong, 95% bulls**t no doubt but my mates said two things stuck in the conversation.

IOI's. Indicators Of Interest. Completely robbed from the book "The Game", this is how to gauge how well you're getting on with a girl. Keeping eye contact just the LIIITTTLLLLEEE bit longer than normal, body language, conversation. these all give telltale hints as to how your doing. especially if the girl you are chatting to IS drinking in which case they will be more relaxed.

Confidence. It's mentioned everywhere when women are concerned, but it needs to be reiterated. Women LOVE confidence in their guys. They can smell it a mile away. And you don't need drink to get it, you just need the right thoughts and it's there. Remind yourself how much of a catch you are. Wear clothes that make YOU think you look good.

My two mates mention our speech jokingly from time to time but they both agree that those two points helped. hope it works for you mate!

redcrew

Ah... I have those conversations on a intermittent basis with my friends when they are drunk (all single I'll point out :P)

You are right about the confidence thing... I think when there's a girl I'm not interested in I'm much more relaxed and confident than when there is a girl I'm interested in around me. Which means I generally attract girls I'm not into (oh well :P).

So how do I become more confident without alcohol, that is the next question!

RedXIV

Different strokes for different folks. martial arts did it for me. when i did my first proper brick break i kinda thought to myself "yeah i'm the sh1t". Going out and genuinely thinking that you are a really good catch and anyone that doesn't want to talk to you is missing out.

Also, confidence can stem from body language. don't slouch, keep smiling. NEVER cross your arms and feel free to laugh alot.

Oh and if posssible, completely destroy the fear of rejection thing. Another of my mates did this by going up to women with the line "my name is manny the martian and i've lost my ray gun, have you seen it?". complete nonsense and some people did think he was a weirdo and walk away but he got to the stage where thats how he initiated conversation. and he's pulled with that!!!

redcrew

See I've done that (usually trying to name the 7 dwarves)...but I just come across as cute and nice...so I've tried the more, quite and pensive thing as well and that isn't working...

I'll work on the body language though...i sometimes don't realise how tall i am because i do slouch

RedXIV

redcrew wrote: »

See I've done that (usually trying to name the 7 dwarves)...but I just come across as cute and nice...so I've tried the more, quite and pensive thing as well and that isn't working...

I'll work on the body language though...i sometimes don't realise how tall i am because i do slouch

Ah well if approach isn't the problem, have you tried bar games? keeps them interested and while i play for drinks, you can play for kisses or phone numbers. also see if you can get a copy of "the game" by neil strauss. this is his 5 question game, source of at least 100 won drinks and 20 phone numbers

redcrew

I like it worth a go...but needs a bar where you can be heard at least! I've decided to check out different pubs from where usually go as well - variety the spice of life and all that

RedXIV

if ya want a simplier one try:

you: "bet i can twist your hands 180 degress without touching them if you put them out for me"

girl laughs and puts out hands.

you: "no the other way and i'll show you"

watch her flip them and laugh.

got loads of these. PM me if you want that book actually

As a girl, dropping the "I don't drink" line can go down lead ballon.
You can see confused terror flash through the object of your affections eyes.

I have learned to relax and not worry about what other people are thinking.
If your warm and personable people will assume your drunk anyway.

redcrew

Moonbaby: I have a thousand times seen terror flash through peoples' eyes on the news that I don't drink... and I don't think I should pretend I'm 'not drinking tonight'.

It is a rather strange one that people react as such but thus is life and I think, most people, as I am myself, lack a certain confidence to deal with the unexpected. I am very sociable I think but don't push myself on others

RedXIV: If I'm out tonight I'll give those a go, and let you know how I get on... can you really change by reading a book? I know what to do in theory but in the end I always come across as 'nice'

RedXIV

I PROMISE you, this book is aimed at people like you. it's not even a self help book, it's a story but you'll learn exactly how women think and how to use that to your advantage. all you gotta do is give me an email address

Harpie

I'm new on here and just from different threads I've seen I have 2 say that Red- you are a stand-up guy- always willin 2 lend a hand or sympathetic ear- fair play 2 ya

RedXIV

ah shucks lass wasn't necessariy but always welcome. here's hoping you never need my help, but if ya do, just gimmie a shout

redcrew

he does seem a good guy...fair play... and thanks!!

Harpie

Happy Smiley Boards 2day

FGR

Moonbaby wrote: »

As a girl, dropping the "I don't drink" line can go down lead ballon.
You can see confused terror flash through the object of your affections eyes.

I have learned to relax and not worry about what other people are thinking.
If your warm and personable people will assume your drunk anyway.

Fair play to you. That line would make me react in shock as opposed to anything else. It's great to know there are ladies out there who don't drink. You lot are difficult to find, though!

redcrew

redcrew wrote: »

I don't think I should pretend I'm 'not drinking tonight'.

I think, most people, as I am myself, lack a certain confidence to deal with the unexpected. I am very sociable I think but don't push myself on others

I don't pretend that I am not drinking tonight, I just avoid making an issue out of it. By the time someone cops on, they know me a bit and are less likley to be put off by it.


If you are relatively socialble, then I don't really see why you think you he a problem.

NonDrinkersClub

If you're trying to pick up girls in bars, then you'll have a hard time as a non drinker. You'd be much better off joining a club (something activity based). Actually, if you wanna find yourself a lovely lady, go join a drama group! Hardly any fellas to compete with...and it's really fun!

As a girl myself, I can let you in on what I know:

If you wanna know what the ladies are lookin' for, it's actually a sense of humour! If you can make a joke that's not incredibly lame for example And laughing at her jokes and being actually interested helps too.

Don't talk about anything boring (like your job in detail or college) unless you can make it interesting and entertaining. Talk about funny stuff you saw on tv, or your first pet, or things that scare you!

Not all girls want the life and soul of the party, so if you're not that guy, don't try to be. A quiet in the corner guy who's good at little funny conversations is a safe option for most girls. Don't worry about trying to get the drunk party mad girls - they're probably not gonna gel well with ya in the long-term and when you're sober, you sometimes need to know the other person is sober enough for you to have a proper conversation and genuiene flirting with!

Don't hide behind your mates for the night. Seek out the female of the species. Don't look sad ever. Look like you're thinking about something interesting.

Being a cutie will work to a certain extent...but there comes a point when you have to make a move. A simple stare that lasts too long is perfect (as long as it's met by a smile or a giggle). Then it's just a question of saying 'You're really cool - you know that?' and that'll be that! If you're too scared to say that, try a simpler approach and say 'wanna go grab a coffee sometime?' american-ish, yes, but it works. If she says yes, plan that day to be really interesting. Bring a cool book along to read if you're early. Check cinema times. Check free galleries to see if they'll be open.

I can't think of anything else for the moment. Hope this helps.

Alot of men down by not being able to show even the most basic interest in the woman.
So don't clam up, make her feel comfortable by asking her about herself, and give the impression that you are listening.

redcrew

Moonbaby: I don't particularly clam up but sometimes I just don't know what to say, or we end up talking about something I know nothing about or she asks me about something she knows nothing about and I try to explain it - and nobody wants a lesson on something.


NonDrinkersClub: I've done the drama group thing and all the girls went for the more extroverted confident guys. I do try to keep things light-hearted. The hiding behind my mates thing is probably true so I'll try stopping that. I'm not claiming to be hot but I'm definitely not ugly. I think it's more attracting the girls I'm interested more than anything....

RedXIV

Nice tip that worked for me is to find something they are passionate about and then plead ignorance about the subject. they'll be more than happy to talk about this subject and you can nod and smile if it pleases you. Be warned though, you may be asked questions at the end

NonDrinkersClub

redcrew wrote: »

Moonbaby: I don't particularly clam up but sometimes I just don't know what to say, or we end up talking about something I know nothing about or she asks me about something she knows nothing about and I try to explain it - and nobody wants a lesson on something.


NonDrinkersClub: I've done the drama group thing and all the girls went for the more extroverted confident guys. I do try to keep things light-hearted. The hiding behind my mates thing is probably true so I'll try stopping that. I'm not claiming to be hot but I'm definitely not ugly. I think it's more attracting the girls I'm interested more than anything....

What type of girls are you interested in? I betcha there's a group / club where you'll find 'em. I think whether you're a drinker or a non-drinker, a nightclub or pub is probably the hardest place to meet someone.

Main thing to remember is that there is someone out there for you you just have to keep looking and never give up til ya find 'em!

RedXIV

NonDrinkersClub wrote: »

I think whether you're a drinker or a non-drinker, a nightclub or pub is probably the hardest place to meet someone.

Correction needed here, it's ridiculously easy to meet someone in a nightclub, but to try and initiate a relationship with a nightclub as a starting point is indeed, phenomenally hard. not impossible but as NonDrinkersClub said, your probably better off finding a club or somthing that your interested in and as a result, having a far larger base for initating conversation

finbarrk

RedXIV wrote: »

I PROMISE you, this book is aimed at people like you. it's not even a self help book, it's a story but you'll learn exactly how women think and how to use that to your advantage. all you gotta do is give me an email address

It's a great read, well worth getting. You should be able to get it on ebay or Amazon or any booksellers site for that matter.

redcrew

I have started reading it and I'm picking up a few things but I don't want to turn into some sleazeball who will chat up 10 girls get 8 phone numbers and go through them one by one... I just want to be able to chat to a girl if I like her and not end up as friends...which is lovely but can get tedious.

I did pick up the idea of demonstrating higher value (which is nothing to do with whether I drink or not just a personality thing - I'd always make out that what I do isn't that big a deal even if they react as if it's a huge thing so I must work a bit better with that)

RedXIV

redcrew wrote: »

I have started reading it and I'm picking up a few things but I don't want to turn into some sleazeball who will chat up 10 girls get 8 phone numbers and go through them one by one... I just want to be able to chat to a girl if I like her and not end up as friends...which is lovely but can get tedious.

The book won't CHANGE you by reading it, all it does it show you how to talk to women and showing the best side of yourself, the book shows it's effect to the extremes

redcrew wrote: »

I did pick up the idea of demonstrating higher value (which is nothing to do with whether I drink or not just a personality thing - I'd always make out that what I do isn't that big a deal even if they react as if it's a huge thing so I must work a bit better with that)

If you pick up one thing, then I helped and i'm happy

NonDrinkersClub

I hope you find someone

bassman22

RedXIV wrote: »

Oh and if posssible, completely destroy the fear of rejection thing. Another of my mates did this by going up to women with the line "my name is manny the martian and i've lost my ray gun, have you seen it?". complete nonsense and some people did think he was a weirdo and walk away but he got to the stage where thats how he initiated conversation. and he's pulled with that!!!

Ha classic, had a good laugh at that one, would have loved to have seen it!

Oh and I've always thought of nightclubs as one of the worst places for meeting people. Especially if you are with a large group. The group I go out with, is large enough, and what happens is that you end up just chatting/dancing amongst yourselves (and it only seems to get worse with time). You just have to break out and do other things to meet people, and take your Nights Out as having a laugh with your mates.

I'd like to say since this is a Non Drinkers Board, that I am a Drinker. But I feel some empathy, I didn't drink till I was 18, so I had three/four years of being The Sober One. And I go through regular enough spates of nights out without drink (which helps you realise what a horrible places nightclubs really are, shudder)