Joke type things

Capt'n Midnight

Two dyslexic bankrobbers walk into a bank shouting:

"Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a f*ckup!"

Capt'n Midnight

Why'd the M&M go to school?
Cos he wanted to be a smartie.

Why the hell would he want to be a smartie?!! :eek:
So he could melt in your hand and not in your mouth I guess :





VOICE MAIL AT THE MENTAL HOSPITAL

Hello,.....and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive,press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependant,please ask someone to press 2 for you

If you have multiple personalities,press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are paranoid,we know who you are and what you want.Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional,press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic,listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive,it doesn't matter which number you press,no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic,press 96969696969696

If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.

If you have low self esteem,please hang up.All operators are too busy to talk to you.




Colonel Sanders is a typical male , all he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.



Joe met his girlfriend's parents for the first time at their house over dinner. After the meal, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the Joe's chair. Unfortunately, after the hearty meal, Joe really had to fart. He stealthily let out a slow, barely audible fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" thought Joe. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. Joe thought he was home free, so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke!" the father screamed. "Get out of there before this bloke craps all over you!"

Capt'n Midnight

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!

Capt'n Midnight

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman. The man says "I've just come in my pants




Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says,
"What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"
The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."
The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.

As the second guy is leaving, he warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."

"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside, he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."
The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"

The applicant answered, "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"





A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor.

''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

Capt'n Midnight

What did O.J. say to Nicole just before he killed her?

"I'm gonna kill you!"



How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One


Why did the boy throw the clock out the window ?

Cause it didnt work

Capt'n Midnight

"What do you call an English cricketer with 100 runs against his name?"

A Bowler




The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher. She's dead.



Actual Medical Chart Notes

1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
23. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
26. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
31. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

Capt'n Midnight

A Pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey you’ve got a steering wheel in your crotch.” The pirate says “Arrrr it’s driving me nuts.”



Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project--an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano." said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"


So Arnold says,

















"I'll be Bach."

AckwelFoley

Capt'n Midnight

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".





This baby Polar Bear was sitting with his mum on an Iceberg.

"Mum" he asks,"am I really a polar bear"

"Yes darling,of course you are" replied his mother

"Yeah but,am I a proper polar bear,you know,a real one?"

"Yes dear","his mum replied, your dad is a polar bear,I am a polar bear,and so is your sister"

"I know that mum"he said "But am I a proper polar bear?"

"Of course you are" said his mum,"now shut up and eat your Penguin"

A minute later the baby polar bear asks"Mum,I know what you've said,but am i really a proper polar bear?"

"Look"she say's"you are a proper polar bear,alright" "Whats wrong with you?","Why do you keep asking me that?"

"Well" he replies .."I'm fu****g freezing"





"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client. "What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Capt'n Midnight

Two of our hens have stopped laying," said the farmer to his wife.
"How do you know?" she asked.
"'Cause I just ran over them with the tractor!"



A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only
seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."




A husband and wife were playing golf together when, unfortunately, the husband smashed a ball straight into er face. Panic-stricken he ran to the club house for a doctor.

`Doctor, come quickly...my wife's been hit by a golf ball.'

`Where was she hit?' asked the Doc.

`Between the first and second holes,' gasped the man.

`Oh dear,' replied the doctor, `that won't leave much room for bandages.'




A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future
holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class




The English love seeing Australia do well at the Olympics. Cos its the only time they ever get to see the union jack in an awards ceremony




A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, " Honey, pack your bags, I won the damn lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my Gosh! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out and don't come back."











A man and his wife competed with each other in everything, salaries, athletic prowess, quizzes, games whatever it was, they made it a contest.

And the wife always won. He got really depressed about this, and eventually sought professional advice. "Look cheer up," said the counsellor, all you have to do is devise a game you can't lose."

"Any suggestions?" asked the husband.

"Yes," said the counsellor, "have a peeing contest whoever can pee higher up the wall wins. There's no way your wife can beat you."

The husband delighted with the idea rushed off home and told his wife he had a new game to play. He led her out on to the patio and pointed to the wall.

"The winner is whoever can pee highest up the wall," he told her.

"You're on!" said the wife and with some effort she managed to leave her mark a few centimetres up the wall.

"Right," said the husband, unzipping his fly," now its my turn..."

"Hang on a minute," said the wife. "Fair's fair. "No hands allowed."






Did you know that Mary Harney is staring in a porno movie based upon a martial arts film ?? Its called:

Enter the Dragon






Beer Study

Sad news about beer. You have to hope that this study
is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.
Yesterday, scientists suggested that the results of a
recent analysis revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a
look at their beer consumption. The theory is that
drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of
beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed
that 100% of the men:

a.. Gained weight
b.. Talked excessively without making sense
c.. Became overly emotional
d.. Couldn't drive
e.. Failed to think rationally
f.. Argued over nothing
g.. Had to sit down while urinating
h.. Showed no interest in sex
i.. Refused to apologize when wrong

No further testing is planned.

Capt'n Midnight

An Aussie man is walking late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks" she says.

He's never been with a hooker before, so he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife" he answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know" says the cop.

"Well, neither did I until you shined that light in her face."







A plane full of passengers are waiting on the tarmac, and on walk two men dressed in pilots uniforms. Both men had on dark glasses and had canes, and a guide dog. They walk past the astonished passengers all the way to the cock pit , open the door & close it behind them. After a few minutes the plane engine starts , and the passengers look at each other with some alarm.

The plane starts to taxi down the runway & the passengers grow increasingly nervous when they are headed for a huge river that is at the end of the runway. All the passengers start to scream in unison, and the plane suddently takes off just before they reach the water's edge.

Up in the cockpit the pilot turns to the co- pilot and says..." you know John.....One day they're gonna' scream too late and we're all gonna' bloody die !!!!!!

rocky25

Very good collection there Capt'