Manners and 3/4 year olds

Glowing

Hi there,
I'm not a parent but have a godchild who's 3 and a half. She was over at my place at the weekend and screamed the house down for an hour because I wouldn't give her the present I bought for her until she said 'thank you'.

I don't know about you all, but I've been brought up with the magic words, and think it's an important thing to instill in your children. The mother of my godchild doesn't seem to have the same ideas and am wondering if I might be causing offense in insisting on manners in my house? Especially when it causes tantrums?

It can be very infuriating, when she's given everything she wants when she wants and I'm afraid she won't appreciate anything when she's older.

Should I just butt out?

Nevyn

Your house your rules.

Best way to teach a child manners is to make a point of actively using them with them and in front of them.

masterK

When the child is in your house they should have to obey your rules.

I do exactly the same with my daughter who is around the same age, it takes them almost no time to pick up manners if it's insisted on.

The child sounds like she usually gets her own way.

Glowing

masterK wrote: »

The child sounds like she usually gets her own way.

That's an understatement!

tk123

Yeah everyone is right - you're doing the kid/parents a favour in the long run as well so don't feel bad.

Loopy

God she sounds like a spoiled brat. I agree with the others, it is your house at the end of the day so I definitely would not make allowances here.

Glowing

Thanks everyone. I'm just afraid that my friend will feel like I'm undermining her or something .... or that she thinks i'm trying to tell her how to raise her child!

DinoBot

Glowing wrote: »

Hi there,
I'm not a parent but have a godchild who's 3 and a half. She was over at my place at the weekend and screamed the house down for an hour because I wouldn't give her the present I bought for her until she said 'thank you'.

I don't know about you all, but I've been brought up with the magic words, and think it's an important thing to instill in your children. The mother of my godchild doesn't seem to have the same ideas and am wondering if I might be causing offense in insisting on manners in my house? Especially when it causes tantrums?

It can be very infuriating, when she's given everything she wants when she wants and I'm afraid she won't appreciate anything when she's older.

Should I just butt out?

I disagree with the previous posters. At 3.5 yrs of age the child is still finding their feet in relation to manners and behavior. I think you are approaching the issue with way too much baggage. Your statement of "It can be very infuriating, when she's given everything she wants when she wants" is loaded with emotion. Why does thie effect you in that way. Did you miss out on stuff as a child ? So what if the child gets everything ?

Insisting on manners in your house? From a 3yr old ? I'll tell you, if I was in a house that the adult had my 3yr old crying for an hour because she withheld a present, I would see that as an example of EXTREME bad manners.

If you have guests in your house you should treat them better than insisting you know better than the parents. I know from experience that the ages of 2 to 5 can be VERY trying for parents.

Glowing

I accept your point Dinobot - i don't have kids, or don't deal with a lot of children, so I don't have any experience in dealing with situations like this.

Like most people, I like to see children mannerly and well behaved (in an ideal world!), i guess my friend is raising her child differently to what I expect I would do. I know if I was my friend, I would INSIST that my child says please and thankyou when in someone elses house ..... but that's how I would do it. And I am not sure if I have the right to insist on this in someone elses child. Again, I don't want to be quick to judge, because we probably all have ideas of how we'd raise our kids, and when the time comes, it all goes out the window!!

No, I had a great childhood, but thanks for asking

Edit: I didn't take the present off the child by the way- her mother took it from her when she wouldn't say thankyou and gave it back to me to make a point to the child. Thats when the tears started!

Ludo

Ahh...now it makes more sense when you say that the mother took it off her and gave it back to you for not saying thank you. She is obviously trying to teach manners also so I don't see the big deal.

I had assumed from your original post that the mother was not there at all and in that case I would have agreed with Dinobot.

Glowing

I still felt mean though .... her tantrum got so bad she started hitting her own mother!!!!

BoozyBabe

Bad manners really annoy me too. Spoilt children even more so!

My bf has a niece, & she's a lovely little girl & is very good at pleases & thankyous, defo no question there.

My problem with her is she EXPECTS a present EVERYTIME you leave the house.
She EXPECTS to watch whatever TV she wants, regardless of whatever else the rest of the people are watching
She EXPECTS to have whatever she wants, whenever she wants it.
She EXPECTS to have something bought for her everytime she goes to town & pulls a serious wobbler if it doesn't.
She EXPECTS to stay over with her grandparents whenever SHE wants, & will pull a massive tantrum until she's allowed.

She's 5.5yrs old.

It is not the childs fault, & she is really lovely, very sweet, but her mother is the most spoilt person in the world, never thanks anyone for anything they do for her (which is an awful lot), pulls tantrums constantly, etc.

How can this child no any different!

The sad thing is, this lovely little girl will turn out just like her mother!!! :eek:

barbiegirl

Kids will behave how the adult in charge expects them to behave. In your house if you expect manners they should be mannerly. Parents present of not. Please and thank you are basics and as a child of 3 1/2 is probably in mostessori they must have these basic social skills for this. Plus school is only around the corner. Understanding social skills, please and thank you, and the meaning of the word no is very important. It is rude of a parent to expect you to put up with their child mis-behaving and being rude in your house. In their house, their rules, your house yours.

Ludo

It is all well and good saying "in your house, your rules" but in reality if the child has not been thought manners already and doesn't use them at their own home or elsewhere, you haven't a hope of getting him/her to use manners when in your house just coz they are your rules. You can encourage them to use manners obviously but I seriously doubt you would be able to achieve long-term results if they aren't being thought this by their parents.

barbiegirl

Yes Ludo you are right. Parents do need to be enforcing them. But I have found with nephews, their cousins, my own little cousins and oh nephews and nieces that if you say no and mean it, and/or enforce please and thank you they quickly catch on. Always in a nice way, never bullying but being firm and matter of fact, broking no agrument. You can only encourage manners within the framework of your relationship with the child, Mammy and Daddy have to do it within the framework of the greater world. By the way I'm trusted by all the parents for baby sitting duties and I believe loved by all the kids who enjoy and ask to spend time here.

luckat

I would think you're quite right, but it might help to teach the child with a little less drama involved.

Perhaps, instead of giving a present and demanding thanks, you try setting up a *very calm* quiet atmosphere around the kid's visits, for a start.

When the kid first smiles at you, give her a small gift - maybe a sweet. If she says 'thank you' the first time, immediately give her a giant jackpot - a toy you know she wants, say.

After that, always praise, and sometimes reward. Don't make a big deal of it if she doesn't say thanks, though.

And whatever you do, never give in to a tantrum. If you give in at a late stage, this just rewards the kid for *continuing* the tantrum.

Kids generally want to be nice, want to have a kindly relationship with others. If she's behaving like a demanding little princess, it's because that pays off with her parents. Make sure it doesn't pay off with you.

You'll be doing her the biggest favour of her life by making a different way of behaviour available to her.

No child (or adult) wants to be the prisoner of her personality. If you teach her that she's in control of how she behaves, you do a good thing.

Otherwise she's going to grow up thinking that how she behaves is what she is, and being hopeless and sad because people don't like her.

(You might also recommend the book The Power of Positive Parenting by Glenn Latham to her parents.)

Nevyn

Glowing wrote: »

I accept your point Dinobot - i don't have kids, or don't deal with a lot of children, so I don't have any experience in dealing with situations like this.

Like most people, I like to see children mannerly and well behaved (in an ideal world!), i guess my friend is raising her child differently to what I expect I would do. I know if I was my friend, I would INSIST that my child says please and thankyou when in someone elses house ..... but that's how I would do it. And I am not sure if I have the right to insist on this in someone elses child. Again, I don't want to be quick to judge, because we probably all have ideas of how we'd raise our kids, and when the time comes, it all goes out the window!!

No, I had a great childhood, but thanks for asking

Edit: I didn't take the present off the child by the way- her mother took it from her when she wouldn't say thankyou and gave it back to me to make a point to the child. Thats when the tears started!

Ok so the child's mother is trying to teach the child manners and consequences and this became a flash point between the two of them in your home and the bone of contention was a present you had given to the child.

I would say that parenting isn't easy and that you should be supportive and understanding of your friend as they try and parent their child no matter how
it can be hard to be around.

A 3/4 year old in a full blown tantrum lashing out at their parent is never pleasant but all children do this until they learn not to.

People who have not been around kids can find such struggles hard to deal with and can find them distressing.

The best thing you can do is back up the parent, not let the child see they are upsetting you and if needs be leave the room saying you will be back when they have stopped misbehaving.

Talk to your friend about what they would you to do when their child throws a tantrum and let them know you know all kids do this.