Parents of Teenagers

BoozyBabe

I'm a 28yr old sensible / mature person.

I used to be very close to a wee girl, babysitting etc, (due to college etc, we drifted apart) & now I would like to be again.

She's getting into her rebellious phase (13 yrs old), & I'd like to be there for her, to help guide her when she's doing the opposite of what her parents ask her to do.

You know the phase!!!!

I'm very close to the family, so they would have no issues with me spending time with her, taking her away,& treating her etc.

But, how would you feel?
I'd like to take her & her friends away shopping, cinema, bowling, for coffee, etc, maybe even go away for a night somewhere & stay over in the holidays to give them a bit of independence from their parents. Now, I'd be there to ensure there was no underage drinking, boys, etc......

If you're 13 yr old daughter asked you if she could go away for the night with her friend & an older girl (me) would you completely refuse. Would you be very uncomfortable with it?

Most of these parents would know OF me & would know my family, but wouldn't know ME well.

Just wondering, as I don't want to bring it up then to find out that no one#s comfirtable with it.

(Anyway, that's a while off, as I'm going to start with baby steps, like days out shopping etc.)

Just wondered what the general consensus is though. Or, what could I do to make you more comfortable with the idea?

(I'm not some strange lesbian stalker by the way, I'm just genuinely interested in this little girls (well not so little anymore) life!)

Ludo

Well for one thing...I wouldn't let the parents see your user name on here...BoozyBabe

BoozyBabe

Too true I guess!!!

littlebitdull

At frist I did not check your user name and thought it was a male poster... so that would have been a big no!!

If your talking from the point of view of someone this child already knows, and has a good memory of, then I can see the good in it. I can see what your intention is.

As a parent I would not be encouraging this relationship. I would prefer my child to mix more with her peers, and would prefer to do my utmost to ensure that I was always open and honest and that they could feel they could come to me first.

Not all teenagers seek outside validation from other adults, and when they do most parents would be happier if it was simply from Aunts, Uncle, Teachers.

As a parent I would feel you were oversteping the limits of your friendship, which you yourself have admitted is not a close one.

It would seem to me ... that perhaps your own biological clock was ticking and you were seeking to dampen it down a wee bit ...

This may not have been the answer you were seeking ... but its my honest feeling on the matter.

With my own teenagers I was happy for them to seek answers from older family members, or to moan off with our close friends - of my age. I had ex babysitters of the same age gap as you talk of .... and would not have been happy if after a few years distance they felt they could step into what I felt was my position in my daughters life.

Nevyn

I think the more people a child has in thier life that care for them and set them a good role model is a good thing.

When a child hits those teen years having another adult advailible to them can be a good thing as they often don't want to talk to thier parents.

I would have a problem with nights away but not with going out to lunch or going shopping.

dewsbury

I have a 12 year old and I would find the OP's idea slightly un-settling.

The concept of staying overnight is definately too much.

Also, how much does the young girl remember of you?? Your memories may be clearer than hers since she was very young.

Having said that , perhaps there is a useful role for you but thread carefully and slowly.

Dizzyblonde

It's good for a teenage girl to have an adult other than a parent to confide in - the females in my family always let the teenage girls know we're there for them in a non-judgmental and caring way.
Going for lunch and shopping with this girl is a nice idea, and possibly bringing a friend is too - if that's what she'd like herself. Sleepovers is quite another matter though - I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself in regard to this. I can't see parents letting their 13 year old daughters go to a sleepover with a friend of a friend's family.

Kildrought

How do you know the 13 yr old wants to hang out with you?

You are more than twice her age after all - as far as she's concerned most likely she thinks you're the same generation as her parents!

I'd agree with the general sentiment expressed by the other posters - she has a family already.

However, if you are genuinely interested in helping young people (and I sense that you are) - have you considered doing volunteer work? Perhaps in a local Youth Centre / Guides /Scouts? They provide a huge benefit to teenagers and young people.

DinoBot

OP,

A big no from me as well. Im a little freaked out by your post

I agree with littlebitdull in that its not something I would encourage. You might feel like you could help but you could end up causing more harm than good.

TBH I don't believe your intentions. If you have not done so already, you should really sit down and think why you want this type of friendship in the first place.

spinandscribble

you're hearts in the right place and when i think back to when i was a teenager i would have killed for a older female friend to talk to about things i couldn't with my family.

I think the family might trust you more if you were close to them. at the end of the days it all depends on if the daughter likes you and the parents. the night away thing is slightly odd but they might like the idea of it if its a case that they're outside dublin and the girl wants to go to a concert or something.

[edit] i wouldn't agree with getting friendly with the family just to get close to the girl. its slightly strange you want to help her even though you don't know her that well...
are you feeling broody btw?

BoozyBabe

I suppose I'd better clear a few things up, as there've been some silly comments here!

Her family is like an extended family of mine & my family is like an extended family of theirs.

Memebers of that family are still in my house atleast once a day.
I spent at least 12 hours a day in their house practically every day up til about 10 years ago.
Now I'm more of an occasional visitor.

When I said I don't know her that well I meant:- I don't know what band she's into, who she has a crush on, etc, teenage things that have occured in the last few years.
Spsrt from that I know her & her family very well.

If I was getting broody, I doubt very much it'd be for a 13 year old girl. don't you think it'd be for a little baby?

I loved this little girl as my own as she was growing up & I regret not playing as big a part in her life in the past few years, so I want to make up for it now.
& now's the time I feel I could play an important part in her life.

In fact, her mum just the other day asked me to speak to her regarding a few issues as 'she'd listen to me', but how can I talk to her when I don't have any opportunities to.

I'd like to be there so she knows she has someone to talk to, someone who's not going to talk down to her & treat her as a child.

Also, it's not like I'm wanting to spend time with her every evening. I was thinking more like taking her & a friend away on a shopping trip, or cinema, ice skating etc maybe every 1-2 months, just so they can have a bit of independence from their parents, if they wanted it.

I'm certainly not going to force my company on the girl. If she'd like to go somewhere I'll give her the opportunity.

littlebug

boozybabe I think some people thought you were saying the girls parents didn't know you well when you said her friends parents wouldn't know you well. That's what seemed odd to them. I don't have teenagers so I'm not really qualified to give an answer but I will anyway From what you've said I think it sounds grand that you would take the girl shopping/ skating or whatever (if she wants to!) but i'm not entirely sure if I would like it if my child was the friend i.e. if a friend of my child's friends family that I didn't know myself wanted to take her out for a day i would be uncomfortable about that.

BrianCalgary

I certainly think that lunch or coffee would be appropriate. Overnighters no.

As a father of teenagers, both male and female, alll three have had lunches and coffees with other adults, mainly church youth group leaders and we certainly had no problem with it.

As an adult I have done the same with both male and female, lunch or coffee. Lunches with the opposite sex I had to very careful about and got parental permission first.

I'd say invite her for a coffee and ask her how she is and let her know what you are up to as well. Start the dialogue and be a friend.

Blessings

spinandscribble

BoozyBabe wrote: »

If I was getting broody, I doubt very much it'd be for a 13 year old girl. don't you think it'd be for a little baby?

i understand now you're not broody but you'd be surprised. my aunt wants to adopt as she's getting broody but she plans on adopting a preteen of around 12 because she wouldn't have a interest in babies.

sheeez

i had a friends who was never aloud to sleepovers and believe me if her parents knew what she was like they would have let her..

wheather u leave them go or not they can still get up to mischieve else where.

from the experience i would always let my children attend sleepovers...once i knew the family..

Quality

I find it a bit weird that a 28 year old wants to have a social (big sister) relationship with a 13 year old, That is my two cents....

BoozyBabe

Quality wrote: »

That is my two cents....

Well then put them back in your pocket!

I don't care what you find weird! Open your mind

Nevyn

BoozyBabe civil posting is expected in this forum.
any futher posts in the tone will get you banned.

Quality

Boozey babe,

I happen to be the same age as you, as well as being a mother of a 9 yo. I would find it strange if an adult irrelevant of being a family friend or not wanted to have a relationship with my daughter.

I think maybe you need to take my opinion into count as the parents of this child may feel the same.

Also being the same age as you, I personally dont feel the need to have relationships with teenagers.

Again just my opinion. I am sorry if it offends.

Best of luck with whatever you do.

Regards.

Loopy

Like most of the others here I would not be comfortable with an overnighter.

You seem to really care for this girl and Im sure her parents (seeing as you are all so close) would not have a problem with you spending time with her i.e the cinema, bowling, lunch etc.

I would casually suggest to them that you would like to take her out for lunch or something. I am sure they are not going to question your motives.

flynnc8

Hey Boozybabe.. Everyone here is plain over re-acting, they've obviously never had this form of relationship before...

I grew up in care, well from about 12 - 18yo and had a key worker..

She was fantastic, her role was basically to do all the things with me that you want to do with the said teenager... She would take me for lunch to chat about stuff in general... She would also take me on outings when i was feeling down to cheer me up.. and on the odd shopping trip..

Infact when I went on the pill it was her who i asked to come with me to the doctors, as it was too embarrasing to ask anyone else..

I first met my Keyworker when I was 12yo and moved into many different foster homes and residential houses through out the years and everytime she would find me and be my back bone.. I can honestly say without her having such an interest in me my life would have took a very different path...

One of my close friends also had her as a keyworker but they where never as close as we wore..

She was there threw every stage of my life, She encouraged me to do my junior cert and after i dropped out of school among copleteion she encouraged me to go back and do my leaving.. She was first to come visit me in hospital after I gave birth to my daughter in 2006 and even pulled strngs to get me into a hostel when my options start looking slim at 17.. I dont know what I'd do without her..

She moved to New Zealand last year for a few months and her mobile was stolen so we lost contact.. but the minute she arrived home she got my number and was straight in contact... I'm now old enough to have a drink with her and I would class her as one of my bestest friends...

so all in all.. I think it is fabulous that you have taken an interest in this girl and want to see her threw the hard and good times.. If all works out it could turn into a lifetime of freindship..

edit:// I also have a step sister know who I see very little of but would love to have the same sort of relationship with because I know she will need it in the future...