At what point do you give up on your father..

Storm_rages

Thanks again everyone

I am greatfull he is in my life, but to be fair their are plenty of fathers who let say pay child support but have nothing to do with bring up the child.. does that make them fathers..And yes i am lucky he did not beat me or drink like a fish and the are so many people who are in a much worse position then me BUT it does not change the fact that i think in order to have a relationship with someone you do need to have communication..

I think when i said giving up i was talking about stop trying to have a kinda relationship where we talk to each other.... (other then a polite hello!)

missmatty

My Dad is the same. We were very close when I was small, I was Daddy's girl. Even though he's very quiet and we don't talk much, we still love each other to bits, and I don't feel the need to talk about it or over-analyse it too much Sometimes I wish we could talk more but mum keeps him up to date on all the news (she's the talker in the family) so that's grand.

I think it helps to focus on the non-verbal/demonstrative gestures: last year I was learning to drive and he helped me with the car and fitted mudflaps and all that stuff. Also when I was practicing a hill start in his old car, he parked it with the wheels turned to the kerb and I crashed it into a wall :eek: He was like 'it's grand', went off and quietly got it fixed and didn't squeal on me to mum

suesuss

It,seems all our dads are the same, when we were kids my dad worked all the time seven days a week and we rarely saw him my mam was always at home. He was always very strict and a bit of a cranky arse to be honest when he was around and we were glad when he was in work. I wasn,t allowed to go to discos or have sleep overs and hated him for it i even hid my boyfriend from him. Fast forward to now and things are so different he,s giving me away next year and is already doing the speech, we chat about our love of soccer and he absolutley dotes on my four year old daughter he,s still in the same job but no longer a cranky arse!!! He helped me and my partner out big time last year with some personal stuff which i will always be grateful for, so i think our parents both mothers and fathers surprise us a lot of the time if we make the effort to get to know them aswell and appreciate they were reared in very different times we can all get along regardless. I know people who don,t have a relationship with either parent and carry on regardless.

Storm_rages

Feeling a lot happier now, he did turn up for the lunch today (first time ever, he and i have had a lunch together on our own) and it was really really nice!!
We have a good chat and he asked me about the wedding..
I think you guys were all right, i think its not so much that he is not interested its more that he is just really wrapped up in his own life...

I would love to make it a once a month kinda a thing.. but small steps for now


Thanks guys!!

Overheal

Storm_rages wrote: »

My dad is not a bad guy but he just does not seem to have any interest in his kids. I don’t think he has ever rung/text me just to talk. If there is a family dinner he will eat the food and then go upstairs or start watching tv. We just don't seem to talk at all. I’m getting married in a few months and I have been asking him to meet for lunch today (something we have never done) and this morning after I text him to see if he was still free, he text back saying he can’t make it, how about tomorrow..


I feel very upset about this, my mate is always saying you can’t build a relationship with someone if they don’t want to ..and I’m starting to think he may be right.

Im in the same situation with my mom; its always some excuse not to get on the phone and call me up. "I lost your number", "Its too expensive", etc. and for years I would have to be the one to really initiate a conversation so now I'm just at the stage where I could really care less.

But yea Storm, it really is just a case of being wrapped up in your own things. Especially with me this year; I live on my own when Im up in Carlow now, and I never take the time to get a hold of anyone either. I'm sure she is too, but it does mean we're both wrapped up in our own things.

their are plenty of fathers who let say pay child support but have nothing to do with bring up the child.. does that make them fathers

In my Dad's case all he can really do is provide Child Support. CS is expensive, and he's compelled to work where the money is at. In his industry that means away from us kids. But that never stopped him from trying. Unfortunately cost is a big issue, and free time. I live with him anyway but he'd always fly my siblings up to see him whenever they were able/willing to.

If you are just paying CS, I guess it doesnt make you a father, but it says a lot for the ones that try to stay involved.

mags16

That's great news, Storm Rages.

gazzer

I dont remember my parents ever saying that they love me but I know that they do. I went to Australia for a year about 10 years back and in the weeks leading up to it my parents didnt really say much about my impending departure except to make sure I had everything organised, clean underwear (that kind of thing).

However when the morning came to say goodbye at the aiport my mother just broke down and started sobbing. I was shocked/touched/all sorts of emotions at once. I had never seen her like that before. My dad was the same as usual but he gave me one of those dad nods where you know he is saying I love you but without actually saying it. He was the same when I was 21 and had a party and when I passed my leaving cert and when I got my first wage packet etc etc. He worked his arse off for his family. I remember ever xmas day as kids me and my brothers would get up at around 5am to see what Santa got. My dad would be up getting ready to go into work. He would stay with us till we opened our presents and then he would be out the door and onto his bike and out to work.

Thats just the way they are and I wouldnt change them for the world. They did so much for me when I was growing up. I didnt really realise how much they did at the time but I do realise it now. Even know when I ring home and my dad answers he just automatically says "I'll get your mother"

Sure a few months back I was going on holidays. It was a big holiday that I had saved up for for ages. I knocked down to the folks for dinner a few days before and as I was leaving my mother gave me 300 euro from her and dad to spend on the holiday (Im 36 FFS). No amount of saying no would work and in the end I took the money. I still have it at home.

My uncle however is different. He left his wife after 40 years of marriage. He had 3 grown up kids and they havnt as much as sent him a text message since he left (18 months ago). He would have been the type of father that worked every hour god sent to provide for his family but was also very very strict with he was at home. The mother on the other hand wrapped them in cotton wool and wouldnt hear a bad word said against them. It was always poor x this and poor x that. As they got older they just drifted from their dad to their mum and took her side when they split (faults on both sides though). He is in his 70's living in a bedsit and his kids just dont want to know.. I find it so so sad.