Home Alone

TequilaMockingBird

So why is your daughter not staying with her Mum the night you are away? Does she want to stay with the Au Pair, as in she is choosing to? Is she able to stay with her Mum, or is it a case that its your night to have her so your wife won't?

I think the Au Pair is a great idea for the Summer, but what happens in September, is it still the home alone plan?

danash

sueme wrote: »

So why is your daughter not staying with her Mum the night you are away? Does she want to stay with the Au Pair, as in she is choosing to? Is she able to stay with her Mum, or is it a case that its your night to have her so your wife won't?

I think the Au Pair is a great idea for the Summer, but what happens in September, is it still the home alone plan?

Both of my children are staying with my wife every night next week - I suggested my daughter stay in my house with the Au Pair as she will be ' home alone'. My daughter wants to do this but my wife is refusing ( remember she lives in the same street.)

I feel she is doing her best to undermine the plan that I have put in place for the summer. We have eight weeks to resolve the September situation but to do so we need to communicate - so far that is proving difficult.

Yes there are lots of unresolved issues but to choose the children's childcare as the battle ground is to me very immature and causes me to question her 'parenting calls'

SarahMc

I didn't realise the Au Pair is shared between you. I think that was an excellent solution, and an example of how solutions can be found.

I can sortof see your wife's issue with not wanting your daughter to stay overnight with AP though. So what if the AP is home alone, its not up to your daughter to "mind" her. Its not worth a battle though, on either her or your side.

"The children are over and back between both houses many times during the day and evening - there is not a rigid divide or handover between the parents."

You can't always be at war, or either of you bad parents if you have reached such a good arrangement.

danash

SarahMc wrote: »

You can't always be at war, or either of you bad parents if you have reached such a good arrangement.

Very true - there are a number of triggers however.......

The solution was however reached by me alone and not as a result of any collaboration. My wife has however accepted it as a good option ( I think )

TequilaMockingBird

I also see your ex's point, there is no need for your daughter to stay with the au pair, especially since she is so recently hired. Be glad that the kids are happy being able to go between they houses as they so choose. That's good progress?

LolaDub

Wow i have really mixed feelings on this thread!

Firstly Danash you have referred repeatedly to your wife 'playing the deserted wife card'....yet you are playing the misunderstood do gooder father card over and over here.

I think it appears obvious your wife has issues of abandonment and feels she is the primary caregiver. Whether you feel she is abandoned or not if you want her to get over those feelings you'll have to be far more sympathetic to her situation. Like it or not your wife has a life she didn't plan as do you, you see that you couldn't live together as the reason for the marriage breaking down but perhaps she sees another reason? Is it possible for someone you both agree on to mind the children and the two of you go somewhere outside both of your homes to discuss the break down of the relationship, try to move on and discuss the plans for the children as they are what is really important now?

Being a single parent is very draining to anyone, especially when the children live with you, it is a huge amount of responsibility. Nobody can be perfect but we call all try our best. It sounds as though both of you are putting your bickering first and communication over children first. I have that impression as you talk about how unreasonable your wife is just as much as you talk about your concern for the children.

I really really think the two of you should try to establish a far more agreeable relationship. Is it so hard to say hi and ask how her day went? A little bit of please thank you and a smile can go a long way.

As for the situation, i think the once off incident was just that. I think your wife was probably stuck between a rock and a hard place and did what she felt she could. The September situation does sound worrying. How long would the 12 year old be taking care of the 9 year old for and in the event of an emergency what support is there?


Good Luck!

tiny-tyno

From the bits that i have read on this thread, it is bringing back disturbing memories to when my parents split 12 years ago, i am now 23 and to this day it still affects me and my family,

When my father moved out of the family home i did miss him any child who looses a parent in these situations would. Even though my father lived only down the road as you do with your kids, its not the same, I understand that you are working away from home a lot and are not there as often as you would like, However i believe that you can change this, a job can come and go but your family will always be there,no matter how fantastic your job is you cant put a price on your family, My father has a fantastic job and due to this we never saw him as much as we would of liked.

Yes in the end it was right that my parents split up and are now divorced, but for many years the torture of them bickering and arguring that still continues wears any child down, seperation is not easy on any family.

Parents are meant to tuck their kids in at night and read them stories or even say good night i love you weather it is one night at the mothers and one night at the fathers you are still there and want to do it, thats what parents are meant to do,

Most of my child hood was happy times but there was also hard times, my parents giving out about the other asking what one did, i didnt want to know, all i wanted to do was be loved, and i think that over all their arguments it was lost , no matter how badly your relationship ended your children are your number one priorty, To this day i seek approval from my father, i have no real realtionship with him as most daughters do with their father, he was never around for birthdays, concerts, matches, he only heard of what went on, my birthday was last week and my father forgot, i had to remind him, taking no real interest in my life left me feeling un loved, it is easy to say that you do love your children but do you honestly love them? if so from my expierence of a child growing up in a broken marriage i would advise you take on board that not only is your children missing out on what is ment to be the happiest years in their lives, you are missing them grow and see them achieve things in which they may be doing, even if they won their hurling match, where you there to watch and support them?

Im not saying that you dont love your children i have no authority to do so nor do i know you and you may be the most loving father in the world. but to me not having a father who was never there all the time or who never belive in your abilities and has no interest in what you are doing breaks my heart, and i really would not like that to happen to any one else as i know how hard growing up can be with out him being there.

There are always two side to each story, and i do understand to how hard this situation is for you, I am compelled that you are taking such interest in your childrens situation, Parents make mistakes we all do, if you ex wife left the kids alone for one night and one night only i wouldnt punish her, i know its not the most sensiable thing to do but she is trying her best also and it is not easy .

I hope you both can find a resolution to your situation

danash

LolaDub wrote: »

Wow i have really mixed feelings on this thread!

Is it possible for someone you both agree on to mind the children and the two of you go somewhere outside both of your homes to discuss the break down of the relationship, try to move on and discuss the plans for the children as they are what is really important now?


I really really think the two of you should try to establish a far more agreeable relationship. Is it so hard to say hi and ask how her day went? A little bit of please thank you and a smile can go a long way.



Good Luck!

I have tried on many many occasions to reason with my wife - I am courteous and polite - however she answers any question with a question and simply looks for a reason to argue. When I point out perfectly reasonable options she shuns them merely because I propose them. She claims any suggestion I make is an effort to 'control' her life. I am unable to get past this point of view and every appraoch ends in me walking away so as not to cause a row with her in public or in front of the children.

I have asked for mediation - she has refused. I am at the end of my tether in trying to communicate civilly with her when all I get back is vitriol and abuse. There is only so much you can take before you have to accept that the other person does not want to talk.

danash

tyno



I am sorry that you are still hurting - I would be in despair if my children are still affected 12 years later.

I take my parenting responsibilities very seriously. I have never missed a single birthday, communion, football match, basketball game, ballet session, school play of note. I am very active in my children's lives and take significant time out to talk to my children and see how things are in their world. As I mentioned above when I am not away I work from home to spend extra time with my children. I benchmark the time I spend with them against the time some of my non separated friends spend with their children. I believe I spend more time with my children than most fathers. So far this year I have been away from home on 22 out of 180 days approx so I dont think it is excessive.


My pain and anger comes from the way my wife has set herself out as the unilateral decision maker and does not feel she needs to communicate iwth me on issues related to our children.

She is well able to communicate with me when she wants to go to the pub but seems to have a problem discussing childcare.

Anyhow - we are where we are........

LolaDub

My parents also split up when i was four. At first i saw my father a bit but both of my parents blamed the other so much after a while it became less and less, also my fathers job had him travelling a bit so when i needed him often he was away or busy with work. You can take the high ground as much as you like and feel and perhaps be in the right but once your children are affected it doesn't matter. And pointing out how unreasonable your wife is does not excuse you. Unless your kids spend 50% of their time with you and consider your home just as much their home as their mothers then your wife is the primary caregiver and will feel she has far more responsibility than you and therefore more of a say.

I think you need to speak to your wife alone and let her say what she needs to say. She might need to shout and argue to get her feelings out, i'm not saying definite but its possible. You could just simply ask her what can i do for you to make this better. In my home my mother was always there and did everything for us, my father was the one who paid for everything and i think he rested ont hat role of parenting more than he should as when i was growing it was always my mother i went to for support. This is only my two cents danash but if i'm honest i think you need to give your wife more credit for what she's doing and before you ask i was always a daddys girl!!

danash

SarahMc wrote: »

So you have hired an au-pair to assist with childcare on your end (even though you have great family ready to help out).

You want to know is it reasonable for your ex to leave her children in the sole care of a "girl" for 4 overnights whilst you are away?

No it is not reasonable.

Just a further example of how attitudes change to suit one's own argument. My wife now has a social engagement while I am away next Friday and suddenly it is OK for the children to stay overnight with the Au Pair.

Maybe now you can understand what I am working with......

danash

Just thought I'd give an update a week into the 'Au Pair' project - the kids love her , love the freedom, the absence of the childcare unit - have been to the park twice, the cinema once, the library, sleep 'til 1030 and have their friends call every day to the house.

I have just returned from the business trip and I am over the moon with the children's houmour. They even report that their Mum is in better form as she does not have to get them out in the morning and drop them to the childcare unit - nor does she have pressure to leave work early to collect them.

The Au Pair is enjoying herself as well ....albeit a little more tired than she expected.

All in all it seems to be working well and my wife seems to have accepted the process as being a good one - so much so she is offering the Au Pair to neighbours for babysitting services ( albeit at a silly rate) She however hasn't been able to say this to me directly and I have to guess.



We seem to have the summer cracked - all we need now is to be able to agree the September format - and it looks like a mature carer from 1430 to 1700 is the best option in light of the hassle free kid friendly experience of the Au Pair so far.

Thanks for your opinions and I'll let you know if it returns to a horror story......

lostinnappies

you need to double check this but i believe the legal age (and they have a law for this so its not uncommon) for a child to be left at home alone is either 7 or 14. If its 14 you have a legal right to get social services in if its 7 you have no complaint.

However, aside from the legal side, perhaps you could arrange a baby sitter some one retired perhaps who can come during the day neighbour or close family friend etc

SarahMc

Am I missing something? Why do you not keep au pair, children happy, you and ex happy, au pair is happy (even happier I am sure with less hours).

Kildrought

the legal age (and they have a law for this so its not uncommon) for a child to be left at home alone is either 7 or 14.

lostinnappies, you need to go back and read the earlier posts. There is no minimum age in this country at which a child can be left alone.

lostinnappies

Kildrought wrote: »

lostinnappies, you need to go back and read the earlier posts. There is no minimum age in this country at which a child can be left alone.

My mistake, having lived in the uk for the last 6 years there is a legal age limit of 7, i just assumed being a so called "civilised" country there would be. As i said in my post i wasnt sure.

Sleepy

SarahMc wrote: »

Am I missing something? Why do you not keep au pair, children happy, you and ex happy, au pair is happy (even happier I am sure with less hours).

Sounds like good advice.