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Opinions Please re: maintenance

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  • 11-06-2008 3:11pm
    #1
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭


    My very first post on boards was looking for advice on how to claim maintenance from abroad. Ah memories :p

    Rather than try to drag it up long story short my sons father moved abroad 3 years ago and stopped giving me money. My son was 4 when he moved. He had messed my boy around regarding visiting him etc. I never got to claim it anyway as i didnt have his address.

    Well hes back. He has seen my son once but is back to messing him around :(

    Anyway i'm in a relationship and have a new baby so i am basically not a single mum anymore. However I am still struggling financially. I am not married so do you think my sons father should be giving me something?

    He has missed 4 birthdays and 4 christmas and has not sent so much as the price of a bottle of milk in 4 years, 2 of which i was completely alone.

    As i am not married maybe he is legally obliged but i am more interested in what people think from a principle point of view. My son is 8 next week by the way.

    Again we are struggling, the girl he moved abroad with has 2 children of her own and i believe their father still gives her maintenance (he did when they lived abroad and even went to visit them) even though she is with my ex, but he obviously cares about his kids and their well being.

    Edit: I thought it was 4 yrs ago maybe it was 3.....


Comments

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    #2
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Parents are legally obliged to pay towards the upkeep of thier children.


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    #3
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    Thaedydal wrote: »
    Parents are legally obliged to pay towards the upkeep of thier children.


    I dont know if i want to go that road. I sent him a text last week saying "are you in a position to give me something each week for sean?"

    GOt no reply, have not heard anything even though he promised to see my son having let him down twice in the one week. So quite frankly i feel if i ask for anything its my son that suffers, he has me by the balls i think.


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    #4
    bored and tired
    Closed Accounts Posts: 226 ✭✭bored and tired


    hi trinity, your ex should be giving you something, I think regardless of weither you get married or not, he has the obligation to pay maintenance until your child leaves school/college, unless your partner/husband adopts your son in the future.

    You sound more worried about regular access than maintenance, perhaps nicely say to your ex that you are going to look into seeking court ordered access, (with maintenance proceedings at the same time) if he keeps letting your son down.

    best of luck


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    #5
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Well, he's still not paying anything, still messing his son around and all that changed is that instead of going out of your lives for good, he's back to contribute nothing and make another mess. Better off without him in fairness.

    I suggest that you let him know that if he wants to see his son he needs to keep to a schedule (let him decide the frequency, you the times) and contribute financially (again let him decide how much as long as it's not too low). If he can do that then he is welcome to be a part of his son's life - otherwise he should move on with his and you'll move on with yours.

    Of course you could pursue him anyway (and vice versa). But seeing as you don't want to and he probably won't then it leaves it up to him to make a choice. When your child asks in years to come you can tell him that choice and let him make up his own mind too.


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    #6
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    Thanks for the replies. Access is in fact my main concern always has been but even a token tenner a week i would be happy with towards my son. He was giving me 50 euro for the first 4 years.

    No he has not changed. My son still loves him. My ex is of the opinion my son is old enough to make up his own mind. In fact I had to ask my ex nicely to run it by me first what days he can see him in case i had plans as when he called he was asking to speak to my son and making arrangements directly with him. He has arranged to see him 3 times in 3 weeks, he made it once.

    He works for himself and has never had a set day to see him in 8 years, its always when he 'gets a chance'.

    One way or another its gonna be thrown in my face when my son is older that i stopped him seeing his Dad.


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    #7
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Trinity1 wrote: »
    One way or another its gonna be thrown in my face when my son is older that i stopped him seeing his Dad.
    Your son will blame you, get older and blame him and then older still will come to his own conclusions. I think you have to be in your mid-twenties to truly see your parents for what they are.


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    #8
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    The Corinthian wrote: »
    Your son will blame you, get older and blame him and then older still will come to his own conclusions. I think you have to be in your mid-twenties to truly see your parents for what they are.

    I really hope boards is still alive and well in 20 years and my threads are archived for proof :D

    Nah seriously I love my son, I have looked after him on my own, given him everything I could, went without so he could have things and basically been there for him, which is what a mother is supposed to be, but i hope he remembers which one of his parents actually parented him.

    I dont want him to hate his father, just see what everyone else sees but at his young age who am I to shatter his illusions.


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    #9
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Trinity1 wrote: »
    Nah seriously I love my son, I have looked after him on my own, given him everything I could, went without so he could have things and basically been there for him, which is what a mother is supposed to be, but i hope he remembers which one of his parents actually parented him.

    I dont want him to hate his father, just see what everyone else sees but at his young age who am I to shatter his illusions.
    Not wanting to diminish your achievements, but there are generally two sides to the story. Not having heard the father's side I can't really say if he is the monster you have painted him to be or not. As such I can't guarantee that your son will come to that conclusion.

    Some fathers walk away because they don't care, but others have little other reasonable choice, because the price of staying is too high. Either way, good luck.


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    #10
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    The Corinthian wrote: »
    Not wanting to diminish your achievements, but there are generally two sides to the story. Not having heard the father's side I can't really say if he is the monster you have painted him to be or not. As such I can't guarantee that your son will come to that conclusion.

    Some fathers walk away because they don't care, but others have little other reasonable choice, because the price of staying is too high. Either way, good luck.

    Oh its not my goal that he sees his Dad as a monster, only that he doesnt see me as one.

    Thanks again!


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