Absent Father

sr2006

Hi all,
Not sure if anyone can offer any advice or help but I would apprecaite any on offer!
My situation is that I had a child 2 years ago as the result of a one night stand with someone I knew. He is now married and lives in a different country> He has never seen nor has any desire to see my child. I personally have no issue with this and have not spoken to him since shortly after she was born. What I want to know is
a) if I should pursue him for financial compensation if so - any idea how?
or
b) do I forget he exists and bear the financial costs alone
I do have a good paying job and have no immediate need for money but it sometimes seems like more of a matter of principle. Although I have no wish to force the issue with him, I'm also not looking forward to a time when I have to explain to my child that their father is just not interested.

snellers

father might not be interested but it takes two to make a baby......he has responsibilities!

whatever you do be very careful about how you approach the 'dad' isn't interested in you chat.....that would probably backfire on you and they spend their childhood wanting to see dad resenting you for 'hating him' ...kids aren't stupid - if dad isn't there they don't need to be told (unless of course if they ask when old enough!)

I would pursue for the support personally (and I am a man) - I believe too many men get away without taking full responsibilities for their actions with regards to children- he has a son whether he wants one or not - IMO do what you can to make him take responsibility.

RealistSpy

Ah it takes 2 to tango but if one doesn't want to get involved forget about him. Its his lose.

snellers

RealistSpy wrote: »

Ah it takes 2 to tango but if one doesn't want to get involved forget about him. Its his lose.

and what if in, say 10 years the father decides he wants to see the child - mum has had to financially support all this time on her own - I personally feel the guy should be forced if at all possible to financially contribute irrespective of whether mum needs the money or not at this time - who knows what's around the corner in terms of job security..etc

if it is possible to get maintenance payments whack it all in a savings account to help pay for college fees in later life :-)

RealistSpy

I will still go with the forgetting him part. But you can sure if he is being real ignorant about it somthing to shut him up.

LolaDub

Legally he has to contribute to the child. If you go through courts they can give you a maximum of 150 a week. You should consider talking to some single parent agencies about it like treoir who would be able to advise you on the process and other routes.

The Corinthian

Legally his obligation really depends upon where he lives. As the OP has already stated that he lives in another country, any reference to Irish levels of maintenance is irrelevant. As things stand (with no maintenance order in place and the father living outside the state) the OP would need to pursue him legally in the country of his residency. Additionally she would need to have his address before she can even do this. And then, and only then, she would be entitled to maintenance as defined by the country of his residency.

As such it may not be worth her while, or even practically possible, for her to persue this legally. Either way, she should consult a lawyer in the country of the father's residence before going further.

Of course, the OP has stated that she wishes to do this on "matter of principle", which is not necessarily the same as what is legal. To begin with she would almost certainly (if the matter goes legal) involve the father's present wife. Whatever about his guilt, she is blameless and so this needs to be taken into account. The OP has no absolute right to inform his wife of his infidelity or of his child by her.

Secondly, unless she did not know of his marital status prior to becoming pregnant, it is very difficult to see any moral high ground on the part of the OP, because she would have knowingly entered into a sexual relationship with a married man (of course she also may not have known). Additionally, he made his wishes known early on in the pregnancy (if not before) and there is an element of responsibility attached to the individual who makes a choice to keep the child, IMHO - especially if they do so in full knowledge of the father's opposition and existing marital status.

So, my advice is that if the OP wants to do this then she should forget about wanting to do it on a "matter of principle", because that principle is frankly a little shaky. If she does, she should because she can and because it makes financial sense. Otherwise, she's better off getting on with her, and her child's, life rather than throwing money down a well for a principle that is in reality just revenge.

Oryx

sr2006 wrote: »

He is now married and lives in a different country.

We dont know if any infidelity was involved.

OP, can you trace him, is it easy for you to get in touch? That to me would be a first step here. If the money is secondary and his attitude is most important to you, talk to him about it. Based on how your contact is recieved and how that conversation goes, you can decide what to do next, and whether to get the legal eagles after him.

The Corinthian

Oryx wrote: »

We dont know if any infidelity was involved.

Indeed. Good point.

Nonetheless, he was clear about his feelings on becoming a father from early on and the mother went ahead regardless. You lose a lot of the moral high ground, as far as I'm concerned, the moment you expose a policy of "I want 100% of the choice, but not 100% of the responsibility".

snellers

The Corinthian wrote: »

Indeed. Good point.

Nonetheless, he was clear about his feelings on becoming a father from early on and the mother went ahead regardless. You lose a lot of the moral high ground, as far as I'm concerned, the moment you expose a policy of "I want 100% of the choice, but not 100% of the responsibility".

well I just googled to double check my facts and it advised women are the only members of our species who can have children .....and it also goes on to explain the huge physical, mental and social problems pregnancy can cause the mother (and the same potential problems of the woman if she chooses not to have the baby).....damn right it is a womens perogative on whether she goes ahead with a pregnancy or not. (and I'm a man!)

irrespective of whatever lack of moral highground you are suggesting it generally takes two to make a baby (just googled it to make sure) - HE and she chose to have unprotected sex......it carries with it potential responsibilities that both parties have to accept - and if for one of them the responsibility is purely financial then so be it.

The Corinthian

snellers wrote: »

damn right it is a womens perogative on whether she goes ahead with a pregnancy or not. (and I'm a man!)

irrespective of whatever lack of moral highground you are suggesting it generally takes two to make a baby (just googled it to make sure) - HE and she chose to have unprotected sex......it carries with it potential responsibilities that both parties have to accept - and if for one of them the responsibility is purely financial then so be it.

They may not have chosen to have unprotected sex - contraception is never 100%, after all. However, this is a moot point as they did both choose to have sex.

However, if it is the woman's prerogative on whether she goes ahead with a pregnancy or not, then you're contradicting your later assertion about the potential responsibilities that both parties have to accept - because the woman need not accept them. Indeed, many don't.

I'm not suggesting that that the father does not have a moral responsibility to the child - who is innocent of the often selfish agendas of the parents. However, when I hear someone suggest that they "want 100% of the choice, but not 100% of the responsibility", and then suggest that they're going to pursue the father 'on principle', then my stomach turns.

DinoBot

sr2006 wrote: »

Hi all,
Not sure if anyone can offer any advice or help but I would apprecaite any on offer!
My situation is that I had a child 2 years ago as the result of a one night stand with someone I knew. He is now married and lives in a different country> He has never seen nor has any desire to see my child. I personally have no issue with this and have not spoken to him since shortly after she was born. What I want to know is
a) if I should pursue him for financial compensation if so - any idea how?
or
b) do I forget he exists and bear the financial costs alone
I do have a good paying job and have no immediate need for money but it sometimes seems like more of a matter of principle. Although I have no wish to force the issue with him, I'm also not looking forward to a time when I have to explain to my child that their father is just not interested.

Complex issue.

It would not be my first point of call to look for financial help, but yes go for it i think if you feel you would benefit from it.

That aside, I think its very important for you to try and start up contact as you will have to explain this to you child when she is older. She will want to know who her farther is. But be careful about your intentions here.
Are you happy to have him back in your life right now ?
Are you prepared if he rejects you attempt to make contact ?

I think looking for financial payment and looking for him to be involved are two separate issues. I think you should ask yourself which is more important.

If you haven't spoken to him since the birth I think you should take it slow. Perhaps ask him for a meeting with you. Maybe get his name on her birth cert would be a start. It would help when the questions start later on with your daughter, plus I feel its important. It does NOT give him any guardianship rights so don't worry about that side of things.

What has motivated you to seek him out now after so long ?

LolaDub

There is a central authority who will pursue maintenance on your behalf but i don't know how much information you need about the person to do it. I think you should really talk to a single parent agency as they should have the actual facts and not speculation.