What's the strangest thing you've heard on a bus?

Michellenman

I was on my regular bus route today into town, it was lashing and unusually the bus was silent cue the three 14/15 year old ''emos'' with their faux American accents etc..

Aaaaanyway, they started talking about how the smoke various kinds of illegal substances and what not, and one began to regale exactly how hash was made. According to him, special 'seeds' are fed to camels, who then shít them out and this excrement is then harvested and dried and compacted and sold...

Needless to say most of the bus nearly cracked up. So i was just wondering, what's the weirdest/funniest thing you've heard on a bus?

FlutterinBantam

:cool:Don't dis him, could be my kind of guy.;)

Ruu_Old

There is a gentleman on the bus most days I get it on my way home. One day I hoped on and just caught the end of what he was telling another person which was.."..they've tried to poison me, stab me, run me over, kidnap me but they won't shut me up and I'm still here after all these years." He was well into his 60's. Wish I had have been there at the start. Got a kind of a tin foil hat wearer look about him.

sickmyduck

a group of 12 yeear old "D4's" who were in primary school,
discussing anal sex.
and various methods of emm lubrication..
and they certainly were not quite about it either

DanGerMus

The prices.

Archeron

I once heard someone talking about a post Pighead had put on boards. That was odd.

northsideangler

was sitting bout four seats from the back on the top deck , the bus stopped at darndale these two scruffy have dosed junkies got on sat right behind me , one said i was looking out my back window last night and seen this super bird in the nip but then he says bud if your ever looking out the window at night for birds changing clothes always have the light off otherwise they can see you the other fella goes no way ,
I HAD TO HOLD MY MOUTH TO STOP LAUGHING
PURE CLASS NORTHSIDE JUNKIES AT THERE BEST

greatgoal

old woman across from me one day said "were on time"

Sherifu

The bus driver would say 'Grand, thanks, bye' everyday. I found that odd.

Ross_Mahon

A group of new age scangers sitting at the back of the bus, with their straightened hair and talking like fags about stupid stuff...

Deco-"I woz ride'n her in teh toilets"
Moped-"Woz she nice looken?"
Deco-"No big fat burdd, but she gave me some E"
Burger-"Pushin for da cusion boys!" *High pitched scumbag laugh*

rossie1977

couple years back i was on the way home one weekend and the driver left on the microphone by accident after leaving one of the towns. he starting talking to a woman who sat up at the front, about half way through the conversation the driver said something to the tune of

"the thing i hate the most is these damn old people getting on with their free passes and then getting off a few minutes down the road"

everyone on the bus nearly pissed themselves laughing

Loopy

Was a guy sitting behind me who said 'think I'm gonna be sick'.

HE WAS... all over the back of my head :eek:

magick

not something i over heard but i shall tell u a tale !

My friend was coming back home after a good ole night on the town. Now the bus was on a fairly bumpy road , swaying from side to side.

He was very badly hungover, a poor student was alseep beside him, when the bus went over one bump too many, he unzipped his coat and got sick into the inside of it and the zipped it back up.

As you can imagine the student when she awoke was horrifed at the smell but could not pinpoint the point of origin, that was until my friend got off the bus and "chunks" started dropping from his coat:D

Abi

Sloppy sucky noises. I have a car now.

Ninja_scrotum

a really brilliant massive old man fart on the bus from clonmel to thurles.

seahorse

The strangest thing I ever heard on a bus was the sounds coming out of some dirty oul bastard while he was whacking one out sitting beside me!!! :eek: I knocked the shyte out of him. It was a crazy scene.

Gone West

I didn't hear this myself, but a friend told me:

There was three middle aged southern USA women on the bus, trying to make sense of a map on the 25a, they were looking for some museum or whatever. One pointed to the gang at the back and said, "lets ask those athletes over there where our stop is".

I laughed

seahorse

Lol Fuzzylogic; that reminds me of the time me and my sister met a lovely French girl with a real innocent demeanour in a pub and got chatting. She explained that she'd just arrived from home, was here to spend a year learning English and was staying in tallaght. She confusedly enquired of her new home: "why everybody is wearing the sports clothing"?

guy2454

on the bus in waterford back in my student days. 3 aul boys sittin in the seats across from me and a friend. Bus stopped at the next stop and two aul ones got on. Next thing one of the aul boys says "hey,theres a seat here next to me", to which one of the "ladies" replies, "no i will not you'll only try and drop the hand!".the poor man didnt know where to look.needless to say myself and my friend burst out laughin.

Fringe

Some guy's phone rang and it played the boring Nokia theme. However halfway through, it went all out of tune and we found it so funny and started laughing.

Demeyes

I heard 2 guys talking about the weirdest places they had fallen asleep. Some of it was just not right. Upside on a set of stairs/Broke into his old house by mistake etc.
Also I've seen an old man take a piss on a bus. He seemed drunk and kind of half asleep and after a while started to urinate. No one said a word but loads of people had to have noticed.

Wazdakka

looptheloop wrote: »

Was a guy sitting behind me who said 'think I'm gonna be sick'.

HE WAS... all over the back of my head :eek:

Sorry looptheloop, Im sure that must have been a truly traumatic experience,
But try as I might I just cant stop pissing myself laughing...



Sh1t one...

jdivision

Not weird but divertingly amusing. Was on the nitelink home a couple of weeks ago. By the time we got to Ballymun there was only two passengers left on the bus, me and a guy who was asleep. Bus driver asked me to wake yer man up to see where his stop was, I got up and he looked a bit rough but said sure why not and after a good bit of pushing woke him. I asked him where his stop was and he sat up looked around and said next stop. So anyway we went to next stop and had to wake your man up and he said next stop again. So bus driver asks where he's going, yer man says next stop and this goes on for a while til your man eventually says Leixlip! When I told him he was in Ballymun I've never seen anybody become so alert so fast in my life! Bus driver dropped me off outside my estate as a favour for waking the guy and then drove yer man back into town. Poor guy was facing another hour and a half at least before he got home.

Ebonyellie

I said the most stupid thing on a bus, i cringe just thinking about it - a few years ago i was sitting up at the top of the bus beside a guy who was friends with my then boyfriend, before the bus departed a lady with a birdcage got on, walked halfway down the bus and sat with the cage on her knee. There were two tiny birds in the cage but they made big big annoying noises, anyway a few miles down the road, in typical N3 fashion we were standing still in traffic, the guy i wa sitting beside turned to me and said " i hate tailbacks, they get on your nerves" to which i replied " tell me about it, they never shut up since she brought them on the bus " a few people heard and the driver pissed himself

antodeco

These two american folk asking the bus driver where "In Chickery" was. Bus driver looking very bemused didnt have a clue what they were talking about. The americans showed him the name on the map and said "Ahhh, Inchicore!?"

Another time this oul one and another chap were having a conversation. Going past the four seasons hotel.

Old Woman: "Thats a nice hotel"
Guy: "Yeah it is"
Old Woman: "Its the four seasons, isint it?"
Guy: "Yeah, but with the irish weather, its being called the "One Season!!"
Old Woman: "Ah no, thats a shame, i much prefer the four seasons".

Cue half the bus cracking up.

Saint_Mel

FuzzyLogic wrote: »

I didn't hear this myself, but a friend told me:
There was three middle aged southern USA women on the bus, trying to make sense of a map on the 25a, they were looking for some museum or whatever. One pointed to the gang at the back and said, "lets ask those athletes over there where our stop is".

That one might be an urban myth as I've heard the same story from a load of people ... but it always started off with, "I didnt hear it, but a friend told me..."

Best one I ever heard was while going into work one Winter morning on the 16. Was a typicial dark, cold, miserable morning and there was a load of primary/1st year secondary school kids on the bus shouting and roaring. With that, a girl who looked no more than 16 let a roar at them ... "for fook sake will yiz all shut up, some of the poor fookers on da bus are trying to get a bit of kip before going to work"
And to be fair, they all shut up and I dozed off again for a bit

Another time, a mate from college had just moved up to Dublin for work and was kipping in my house until he got a place sorted. He was coming home from town one evening but wasnt over familiar with Dublin so hopped on the bus and asked the driver "How much is it" ... Driver asked "Where are you going" ... and without thinking, my mate replied .."Home!"

shayser

Not on a bus sorry, but in one of the burger joints on O'Connell St a good few years ago... Overheard two women, the wife and the other woman as it turned out, trying to come to agreement over who could see the man and when etc. "But I'm his wife..", "But he loves me.." "But the kids.."

Pen1987

Leaving college from BCFE in Ballyfermot village, there was a load of us students jumping onto the 76A to head back towards town. A few of the drame/theatre/performance girls are very well healed, always have a face full of make-up and very stylistly dressed. We got on the bus and went upstairs where there was these two junkies sitting down the back about three rows from us... one of the junkies goes to the other "will ye luk ah' deez moths... the amount a fake tan... If it rained on dem dah place wud be like a river a' grayvee!" I was in tears laughing none of the girls knew where to look!

GAAman

shayser wrote: »

Not on a bus sorry, but in one of the burger joints on O'Connell St a good few years ago... Overheard two women, the wife and the other woman as it turned out, trying to come to agreement over who could see the man and when etc. "But I'm his wife..", "But he loves me.." "But the kids.."

The man is a legend!

My own one was on the 77 upstairs some little skangerettes (not older then 15)

Skangerette 1 "I swear he was fcukin me tha hard i thought me gee was gonna fall off"

Skangerette 2 "Ye but itz a deadly buzz it makes the bloke yer ridin cum dead quick!!"

:rolleyes:

gversey

The driver had the radio on and thought id be fun to play the song "Ring my bell" by Anita Ward over the tannoy.... i laughed and pressed the bell

jester77

You got to love the bus drivers. I was getting a bus into town and it was pissing rain, no bus shelter. Next bus was at 5:20 so I timed to avoid as much rain as possible. No bus shows, next bus was due at 5:50, no show. 6:10 an unscheduled bus shows and I'm soaked to the bone.

Me: "So what bus are you meant to be, the 20 past or the 10 to?"
Driver with smug grin: "I'm the in between bus"

tallaght01

This is a bit of a bad story. I felt bad laughing about it at the time, and I feel a bit bad posting it, but someone else might find it funny :pac:

I was on a bus a few years ago in tallaght. There's a place for handicapped young people near where I live, like a sheltered workshop, where they make stuff to sell etc.

So, there's often quite a few handicapped teenagers on my local bus.

So, two of them are chatting. One of them says to the other "I hate Karen, you know that". Her mate replies, in the worst total handicapped voice ever "Yea, she's a ****in retard".

I'm really sorry. I know that's horrible. But i almost died laughing at the time.

GirlInterrupted

tallaght01 wrote: »

This is a bit of a bad story. I felt bad laughing about it at the time, and I feel a bit bad posting it, but someone else might find it funny :pac:

I was on a bus a few years ago in tallaght. There's a place for handicapped young people near where I live, like a sheltered workshop, where they make stuff to sell etc.

So, there's often quite a few handicapped teenagers on my local bus.

So, two of them are chatting. One of them says to the other "I hate Karen, you know that". Her mate replies, in the worst total handicapped voice ever "Yea, she's a ****in retard".

I'm really sorry. I know that's horrible. But i almost died laughing at the time.

:eek: That is awful and you would go straight to hell, if there was a hell:eek:

It's a little bit funny though.

Marcus.Aurelius

Was on the 67 from Celbridge to Lucan, and overheard on the bus

Bus stops with it's front wheels slightly inside a yellow box at a junction. A guy with a flash girlfriend and a flash convertible car pulls up beside the bus.

The flash guys shouts out his window at the bus driver:
"YELLOW BOX, YELLOW BOX".

The bus driver opens his window and says back to him:
"You'd better get her to the clinic"

I nearly died laughing, was still in paroxysms of laughter at my stop

Not the bus, but at Connolly station one time and the announcer comes on the p.a. and says "Platform change, can all passengers transfer to platform 5 for the northbound service to Drogheda, Platform 5 please" Everyone, bar this one dude with headphones on, moves over to platform 5.

The announcer comes on the p.a. again "I SAID ALL PASSENGERS MOVE TO PLATFORM 5" obviously pissed off that he's had to repeat himself. Guy with the headphones doesnt move. Announcer comes on again "ARE YA BLEEDIN DEF OR WHA??!!

Lemon

A few years back I was on the 121 bus from Cabra to city centre when a few old timers, steaming drunk from an afternoon in Downey's pub, came on the bus to entertain us. In Phibsboro a black woman got on the bus with her child. She was talking on her phone continously and ignored the drivers requests for her to get off the phone, mind her child and pay the fare. Cue all the old timers tutting amongst themselves as the driver had refused to drive until the woman paid the fare.
One of the old timers stands up, turns to all the other old timers and declares "Its all right lads, I can speak her language". He then walks down the bus, taps the woman on the shoulder and says "Tiger Woods" :rolleyes:

You kinda had to be there

chickenhawk

Group of 16 year olds from the southside boasting about how they ran their houses. They were talking about it for ages and really loudly. Then one said that he punches his father when he tells him what to do.

My friend shouts out. 'Once my father asked me to pass him some salt so ..................I stabbed him in the eye!'

Everyone pissed themselves laughing, the group shut up after that.

jester77

Marcus.Aurelius wrote: »

Was on the 67 from Celbridge to Lucan, and overheard on the bus

Bus stops with it's front wheels slightly inside a yellow box at a junction. A guy with a flash girlfriend and a flash convertible car pulls up beside the bus.

The flash guys shouts out his window at the bus driver:
"YELLOW BOX, YELLOW BOX".

The bus driver opens his window and says back to him:
"You'd better get her to the clinic"

Brilliant

JangoFett

GAAman wrote: »

The man is a legend!

My own one was on the 77 upstairs some little skangerettes (not older then 15)

Skangerette 1 "I swear he was fcukin me tha hard i thought me gee was gonna fall off"

Skangerette 2 "Ye but itz a deadly buzz it makes the bloke yer ridin cum dead quick!!"

:rolleyes:

Thats gold man, I've heard loads of **** like that

Skanger girl 1: "Buh den I had his jizz in me mouh and I didn't know what te dew"
Skanger girl 2: "So wha didje dew?
Skanger girl 1: "I told ye, I didn't know wha te dew!!"

And then silence!! I ****ing cracked up

tuxy

Someone I go to college was sitting behind me on a bus. (after a few drinks)
And said the following....

Iv got sick already but could do with a few more.
My mammy's gona have to get me out of bed with a spatula in the morning.

Chunks

Marcus.Aurelius wrote: »

Was on the 67 from Celbridge to Lucan, and overheard on the bus

Bus stops with it's front wheels slightly inside a yellow box at a junction. A guy with a flash girlfriend and a flash convertible car pulls up beside the bus.

The flash guys shouts out his window at the bus driver:
"YELLOW BOX, YELLOW BOX".

The bus driver opens his window and says back to him:
"You'd better get her to the clinic"

yeah well that's not true. I got that email about 2 years ago.

Marcus.Aurelius

Chunks wrote: »

yeah well that's not true. I got that email about 2 years ago.

I postulate that some bus drivers may have access to the interweb and read that email.

Further, I theorise that said and aforementioned driver had in mind this clever and witty retort and used it in the situation I mentioned earlier.

I rest my case, m'lud.

Degsy

I heard two scumbags talking about a holiday one of them had booked.
"I'm ONLY going to Turkey to buy tracksuits!"

Pigwidgeon

was on the bus coming home last night at about 12.
there was a guy in front of me (50ish) sitting there with a thing of chicken drumsticks,
next thing i know he's offering everyone on the bus drumsticks, surprisingly a good few people accepted it...

the smell was unreal. then there was someone getting off who refused his offer of a drumstick, so he threw it at the back of her head when she was walking to the door. thankfully he and his chicken got off before me so i didn't get any thrown at me.

Cianos

On the bus one time this middle aged guy who looked like he was a few sandwiches short of a picnic got on with a chemist paper bag. I could see that he has bought some hair dye. So a couple of minutes later, there he is dying his hair on the bus:(

PeadarofAodh

tallaght01 wrote: »

This is a bit of a bad story. I felt bad laughing about it at the time, and I feel a bit bad posting it, but someone else might find it funny :pac:

I was on a bus a few years ago in tallaght. There's a place for handicapped young people near where I live, like a sheltered workshop, where they make stuff to sell etc.

So, there's often quite a few handicapped teenagers on my local bus.

So, two of them are chatting. One of them says to the other "I hate Karen, you know that". Her mate replies, in the worst total handicapped voice ever "Yea, she's a ****in retard".

I'm really sorry. I know that's horrible. But i almost died laughing at the time.

Oh god...dying here. Tried my best not to laugh out loud and ended up snorting through my closed mouth.

Trying to avoid everyone's gaze:o

truecrippler

Heard a guy shouting "Jesus Christ... your local pedophile" on the bus about 8 years ago. Full of kids on the bus... hell, was a kid meself.

"Daddy?"

"Yes son?"

"What's a peter-file?"

Sam Vimes

when i was about 8, i was on the back seat of the bus downstairs, where there are two rows of seats facing each other, with my mother and sister.

unbeknownst to me i had an infection on my tonsils that resulted in sort of globs of mucus sticking to them. Anyway, i sneezed and this resulted in all of the globs bursting and being expelled through my mouth, all over the two people sitting opposite us. Good times

Joe Cool

On a bus into to town once and there was a group of four lads behind me talking loud enough.

One of them was talking about some girl he liked and happened to mention that she was left handed. At this point one ofhis mates broadcasted:
'Ah jaysus! Have you ever gotten a w**k off a left-handed bird?!?, It's like doin' it yer bleedin' self!!'

Apologies to any lefty ladies out there who may take offense to this remark but just so you know I don't see a problem if the above statement is true as I find that most are useless at the act, well I do know one but...I'll stop now

:cool:

Tusky

Funnily enough, I just updated my blog with a story that suits this very thread!

http://sidewaysquizlings.blogspot.com/

Martly

A friend of mine was on a bus last week he said there were 2 skangers on the seat in front of him..
Deco :"Did ya read the new harry potter book"?
Anto:"nah"
Deco:"its very good, by your man tolkin his name is or somethin"
Anto:"No tolken was lord o the rings"
Deco "Ah, cliche"

Emmm think he meant "touche" .. Ah at least he was trying...