Domestic violence - has it affected you/anyone you know?

watna

I know this can be a very sensitive topic so if people don't want to post that's cool. I understand.

I went to the family plannng clinic nearby a few days ago and ran through all the usual medical questions. At the end of the consultation the nurse said very seriously, "I ask all women these questions so I hope you don't mind answering". I didn't have a clue what was going on but said ok. Then she asked me questions like "do you feel safe when you go home at night", is you house a safe place" "are you ever verbally demeaned at home" "does your parnter ever touch you physically in a way you're not comfortable with, any hair pulling etc?"

I was quite surprised but then realised that domestic violence against women is a big deal in NZ. There's posters everywhere giving advice etc. I was telling the girls in work about my trip to the doctor and they seemed to think questions like that are par for the course. I said it wasn't as big an issue at home but this got me thinking, maybe it is? Maybe there just isn't so much coverage of it and because it's such a sensitive, secretive subject I don't know anyone affected by it.

I was just wondering, do you think it is more prevalent in Ireland then perhaps we think? Should all doctors at home ask if you feel safe in your home to give you an opportunity to talk?

Peared

I don't think it's as bad as maybe 20 years ago and before that but it's certainly there. I know of a few women who have been in that situation.

I guess some women are more financially independant now and have more choices.

And yeah, sure why not have the doctor ask? It's just a question and may just be whats needed to allow a woman to confide.

I know this is slightly off topic but a huge thing is the lack of adequate childcare resources in this country, a lot of women who need to leave a domestic situation stay because they cannot afford to leave. Only one reason yes, but one I have heard from two women.

Crumble Froo

i'm not sure what your b/fs background is, watna, but i know that in nz, it is/was a massive thing. my fella woulda grown up in a pretty low socio-economic family/area, and some of the stories he's told me are absolutely shocking. violence was just such a way of life for so many people back in the day, a big part of his as well, for a long time.

can't remember the name of the film, but there is one dealing with the general topic, and stuff (i refuse to watch it, as tv/films are supposed to be an escape from reality, not a catapult into the worst bits of it), but he says he's watched that in a room full of dudes, and more than one were crying, cos it was just so close to home and so messed up... ill ask him about it when he gets home.

just look at the doctor's example you gave, the big "it's not ok" campaign at the moment, and even the smacking ban, which might seem a bit OTT to us, but the fact is, people were beating their kids pretty badly, and there was nothing the cops could do to actually prosecute them, as it was a parent/child disciplinary thing.

at home, yeah, it's a bigger deal than generally acknowledged i think, i've known a number of people go through that kinda ****, one in particular quite close to me. and there were no real resources for her either.

Peared

Id say that movie is 'once were warriors' Crumble froo.

Crumble Froo

Peared wrote: »

Id say that movie is 'once were warriors' Crumble froo.

that's the one. i always think it's 'we were heroes' or 'once were heroes', but i know im confusing them with a german band >_<

yes. i refuse to watch it, but beatings, homeless kids, street gangs, mindless violence and all that fun stuff, just heard so many first hand accounts of it, and it's scary.

Peared

Pretty horrific all right. I think there's a sequel/prequel too?

I wouldn't watch it again, don't watch stuff anymore that I dont want in my head.

Beautybeanie

Domestic violence is a big issue in Australia in terms of social awareness and media promotion. Over the past few months, there have been some horrific deaths involving children or parent and children all relating to domestic violence so the tenor is heightening again.

Given what people accept, I think it needs to be. I've often been out with friends and one of their mobile phones will ring and you'll hear "Get home. Now. I don't want you slutting around.." and she'd just be having a drink with the girls. But she'd say, "Oh you know what he's like after he's had a few..." and to her that's alright. But when we say, no, it's not alright, she fobs us off as being melodramatic. So I think the idea of a community nurse asking those questions is great because much of the impetus that must come from a woman in terms of having perpetrators arrested or charged doesn't happen and usually because she loves him or there are pets she's afraid that'll cop it after she leaves or he'll come after her. Worse, is that she usually thinks that what he's doing is okay or her fault.

On the flipside, I think it's important to have the same service for men. Male rape is under reported and the social support for men in domestic violence situations where he is the victim is not widely understood or supported.

Recently on Australian television, the RSPCA has introduced a pet care programme for sufferers of domestic violence where they look after your dog or cat while you move to a safe place. Before that, a series of ads showed a variety of men with their excuses - eg. "She really wanted it. No was just part of the role play.." etc with the message that sexual assault is a crime. You or I might be shocked that you have to tell someone that but not everyone thinks the same way.

Once Were Warriors is a fantastic film because the actors were superb. Another NZ film (but it's in a series) that touches on this issue lightly as well as a variety of others is the equally brilliant The Insiders Guide to Love and The Insiders Guide to Happiness.

Crumble Froo

some of the ads now...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyDIGVI4hNk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToZwy4-6QVc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dDiHWAsIRk

the last one in particular, i think is quite good.

watna

Yeah, those ads are on all the time. Kind of what got it in my head. There's posters everywhere too.

We have weekly film nights at our place and my bf is trying to get once we were warriors as our next film. Not sure I really want to watch it.

I think it was a very good thing that the nurse asked me those questions. At first I just thought it was strange but then I was thinking if you were in that situation and somebody random asked you straight out you might crack and tell all and be able to get help.

WindSock

Are the anti-smacking laws in force yet in NZ?

watna

WindSock wrote: »

Are the anti-smacking laws in force yet in NZ?

I'm not sure, I just asked the OH and he thinks it was passed a few years ago. There on the news all the time anyway. It's a big hoo-haa.

Cmol

WindSock wrote: »

Are the anti-smacking laws in force yet in NZ?

Yep, they are... im not sure what happened with the 'reasonable force' argument though - thats got to be such a grey area though, who can call whats reasonable force when it comes to hitting a child?

Domestic violence isnt something that ive come into contact with personally but heard about it through friends of friends... NZ seems to have an appalling rate when it comes to domestic violence - Watna im sure you've seen all the stories about the children being killed on the news... unfortunately it seems to be a fairly regular thing at home, like the 4 month old kahui twins last year, its disgusting stuff.

I'm in now way trying to generalise anything here but it does seem to be more of an occurence within lower socio economic group and until people start to speak up when they see these kinds of things happening, it will keep happening.... the child youth and family services there dont have the best track record either, although in saying that the media are only going to pick up the stories where they've fcuked up, we dont hear about the 'happily ever after's'

I think its brilliant that Family Planning are taking the initiative there, i remember being asked those questions before and you can be a little taken aback!

Unfortunately though, there will always be women in this situation and although organisations in NZ like womens refuge are doing their best to raise awareness about it I dont think its a problem that will be going away anytime soon

Nevyn

Once were warriors is an amazing gut wrenching incredible movie.

The thing is it's not that long ago when Ireland was like that and there are still parts of it that are, but these days is more the mental, emotional, sexual and financial abuse then physical.

My granddad used to 'punish' my grandmother until their children were old enough to threaten him so he stopped but it was considered par for the course back as recent as 40 years ago.

My other grandfather did come home drunk once and hit my grandmother a slap and she waited until he fell asleep in the hair and battered him about the head with the frying pan and that was the end of that.

Domestic abuse still happens, to men and women and children.

http://www.womensaid.ie/

What is Domestic Violence?

Have you ever felt fear? Real fear. Have you ever been afraid of someone who is close to you? Afraid of someone who shares your home, your bed, your life? This is the real-life nightmare for countless women in Ireland who are experiencing domestic violence.

Almost 1 in 5 Irish Women have experienced Domestic Violence by a current or former intimate partner or husband (Making the Links, 1995). And that's just the reported cases. It is likely that we all know someone who has suffered this cruel treatment. It's also likely that she hasn't felt able to tell us.

Domestic Violence affects Children. Research shows that children are often present when violence is taking place (Making the Links, 1995). A high percentage of men who abuse women also abuse children (Women and Children at Risk: A Feminist Perspective on Child Abuse, 1988). Violence often occurs during pregnancy and actual or threatened miscarriage can occur (Making the Links, 1995).

Domestic Violence occurs in every Social and Economic grouping of Society. There is no "type" of woman to whom it occurs, and there is no "type" of home in which it happens. Sadly, domestic violence is a feature of contemporary Irish family life.

Domestic Violence is not only Physical Violence. Sexual abuse, mental abuse and financial abuse are as common, as terrifying, and as damaging as physical abuse. But they are harder to see and may be more difficult for women to name. Many women are subjected to multiple forms of abuse at the same time.

What is Domestic Violence?

Physical Abuse: Being punched, hit, shoved, kicked, beaten, assaulted with or without weapons; Choking and Strangulation; Being stabbed.

Sexual Abuse: Rape; Being forced to take part in any kind of sexual act which you do not want to; Being exposed to sexually explicit material against your will; Being denied access to contraception.

Mental Abuse: Threats (including to kill); Damage to property/pets; Being shouted at; Intimidation; Being denied access to finances; Having your freedom controlled

http://www.amen.ie/

MALE VICTIMS – come from all walks of life, social backgrounds and cultures.

MALE VICTIMS – are often stressed, become depressed and feel suicidal and unable to function in the workplace.

MALE VICTIMS – are disbelieved – often because they are men.

MALE VICTIMS – want help – not further abuse from society and the caring agencies.

MALE VICTIMS – are removed from or asked to leave their homes – often because it is the easy option.

MALE VICTIMS – are not treated equitably by the state agencies

http://www.childline.ie/


I did some volunteer work in the women's aid refuge centers in Dundalk and Ballymun it was eye opening to say the least. There is a new one opening thankfully in the Dublin 15 area and as soon as it is built I will be helping out there too.

gidget

My late aunt was a victim of it. Her ex partner used to beat her so badly that he actually knocked her two front teeth out, which resulted in her having false teeth at a young age. i can still remember being 6/7 years old and remember the whole house being woken up at 2-3 in the morning from the phone ringing and my nana on the other end roaring crying ringing my dad asking him to rush over because the little s*** had been at her again. Trust me, my dad and uncles were fully prepared to inflict some revenge on the p****, but he was always one step ahead in getting the gardai to give my dad and uncles warnings as to the consequences of their actions if they proceeded. Thankfully he left her but because they had 3 kids together he still made appearances about from time to time. She sadly died 2 years ago but his kids certainly don't give him the time of day. I for one fully predict there will be champagne corks popping in my house the day we get news that he has finally popped his clogs!!!

As for the consequences - it certainly made me wary of the type of men i go for, especially the controlling types. As soon as i get a sign of those ways i make a very quick exit as i know all to well what it will lead to!!!

Black Swan

Been across the pond in the States as a student for past 2.5 years and domestic violence is a problem over here. Some states have shelters for women and children abused by husbands/fathers/domestic partners (males are disproportionately associated as the source of the problem in the USA), but such services are more frequently offered by NGOs and religious organisations. The Bush-dominated federal government gives lip service, but essentially no action about the problem. Talked recently with a social worker on break at a coffeehouse, and she said that the recession in the US will be associated with more drinking and domestic violence.

Personally, if I were to have a daughter, I would insist that she take self-defense training from a very young age until she leaves home.

Mikel

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

Personally, if I were to have a daughter, I would insist that she take self-defense training from a very young age until she leaves home.

'Self defence training' would be of no positive benefit, and possibly negative as it can give you a false sense of security. Self esteem would be the most important thing to work on, also might be merit in the idea that girls who grow up in a similar environment are more likely to choose that kind of partner.
So making sure that doesn't happen would be top of my list

January

My grand mother was a victim of it, not by my grandfather but by her second husband.

My aunt was probably also an indirect victim of it, her ex boyfriends brother beat her up when she went to collect her child one night.

Piste

Maybe they should target some ads at males to stop them abusing their partners...a sort of two-pronged attack, stop it happening in the first place.

Mikel

Piste wrote: »

Maybe they should target some ads at males to stop them abusing their partners...a sort of two-pronged attack, stop it happening in the first place.

I doubt someone, male or female who behaves like that would be persuaded to do otherwise by an ad campaign

Crumble Froo

the campaign, i think, really just needs to get it into the public eye,a nd just to have everyone saying that it's not ok. it has been ... well, not quite socially acceptable, but people have known about numerous cases, and just turned a blind eye, and it needs to stop being an issue 'best kept behind closed doors' and brought out into the public eye much more.


just remembered this reading through the posts, but was at a wedding recently, and the bride had been a victim of abuse from her ex of her previous marriage. it was an amazing wedding, i've never seen so many people crying for happy before, teh whole thing was this beautiful symbol of a new start and a new beginning, and it was heartwrenching hearing the bride talk about one of the bridesmaids who had been there for her through it all before.

c - 13

Piste wrote: »

Maybe they should target some ads at males to stop them abusing their partners...a sort of two-pronged attack, stop it happening in the first place.

As Thaedydal has already pointed out its not just males who are capable of beating up their partners.

There are an awful lot of guys out there who take the same from their partners who are also afraid to come forward about it, for men there is also the "macho" element of it i.e. - "How will I ever live this down if people find out my wife is beating me up etc."

An advertising campaign is certainly not a bad idea but it should be directed at both sexes not just one.

Also its not all physical either. Theres also a lot of mental and verbal abuse that goes on that is not documented because people feel that because theres not anything physical going on that they cant come forward and ask for help.

Someone mentioned "Once were warriors" earlier in this thread. I highly recommend you do watch it. I saw it for the first time recently and sat there for a while after it ended in shock which is very unlike me. Can be very hard to watch at times but it really is worth sitting through.

tallaght01

Piste wrote: »

Maybe they should target some ads at males to stop them abusing their partners...a sort of two-pronged attack, stop it happening in the first place.

Mikel wrote: »

I doubt someone, male or female who behaves like that would be persuaded to do otherwise by an ad campaign

The ad campaigns ARE directed at both sexes in problem areas. There's a BIG problem here in Oz (even worse than when I worked in Glasgow, and that's saying somehting).

Mikel, the ads don't say "don't beat your wife" etc. They advertise help services that are available to those who perpetrate violence or other forms of abuse.

New Zealand has crazy problems. But, as long as you have a group of people who are A) poorer than the rest of the population and totally
marginalised formt he rest of society it will be harder to reach them and engage with them.

That's what most of the evidence shows anyway. NZ and Oz both have marginalised, poor indigenous communities with huge abuse problems. It's not inbuilt in these people, it's a result of societal structures.

tallaght01

Mikel wrote: »

'Self defence training' would be of no positive benefit, and possibly negative as it can give you a false sense of security. Self esteem would be the most important thing to work on, also might be merit in the idea that girls who grow up in a similar environment are more likely to choose that kind of partner.
So making sure that doesn't happen would be top of my list

I don't think you can say that self-defence is of "no positive benefit".

A lot of the girls in my martial arts club aren't going to take a hiding too easily. It shouldn't come down to having to protect yourself physically, but I think it's a good idea for a girl to have some training under real pressure circumstances to fall back on.

Self confidence and self esteem are obviously hugely hugely important too, but they are encouraged, not hindered, by being able to assert yourself physically.

kowloon

Used to go out with a girl who was beaten by her previous boyfriend.
She was quite physically fit and yet she never struck back at the ****.
Wasn't a very talked about issue. I have no real point to make, but it shocked me that people put up with it in this day and age.

c - 13

kowloon wrote: »

Used to go out with a girl who was beaten by her previous boyfriend.
She was quite physically fit and yet she never struck back at the ****.
Wasn't a very talked about issue. I have no real point to make, but it shocked me that people put up with it in this day and age.

Quite a bit of it is down to fear - "If I try hit him back is he going to hurt me more ?" and outright shock at the beginning - "How could this person that I love hurt me physically/Verbally ?" IMHO.

Mikel

Mikel wrote: »

'Self defence training' would be of no positive benefit, and possibly negative as it can give you a false sense of security. Self esteem would be the most important thing to work on, also might be merit in the idea that girls who grow up in a similar environment are more likely to choose that kind of partner.
So making sure that doesn't happen would be top of my list

We were given self defense training in the school.
The focus was on attitude and conflict avoidance. Not trusting strangers before they have prove they can be trusted. How to side step drunken aggresive men in clubs. How to give out the signal that your not a soft touch, and it will be troublesome to mess with you.

The physical things were mostly aimed at getting out of holds or giving a quick sharp shock and getting the hell out of there.

Although he did us how to stomp on balls properly, which is not a bad skill to have if you ask me.

I think it was a great idea, because otherwise the first time I would have thought about reacting in one of these sticky situations. Would have been five minutes after getting into one.


It is the parents job to instill a sense of self-esteem in their children.

CathyMoran

Probably not the same thing but I knew of a girl who was beaten up by her mum. Her brother thought that it was not serious as she never got broken bones, just bad bruises. It still makes my blood boil though.

CathyMoran

CathyMoran wrote: »

Probably not the same thing but I knew of a girl who was beaten up by her mum. Her brother thought that it was not serious as she never got broken bones, just bad bruises. It still makes my blood boil though.

I'd be surprised if there wasn't a signifigant percent of female abusers responsible for domestic violence.

panda100

I actually find it quite shocking that people here think it's women that need to change,its women that have to take self defence classes,its women that must work on their self esteem!! Like everything else in society,its the womens fault for not protecting herself to begin with!
Perhaps we should actually focus on the problem,which is the issues of MEN'S self esteem, and why they feel compelled to exert their power by hitting their wife/partner.

Im not a big believer in campaigns. There has to be a fundamental change in the ways genders are viewed in society. Society, from a young age, instills the notion that men are the powerful,stronger sex and women are the weaker,docile sex.Men see this around them everyday from Nuts magazine to music videos which depicts women in submissive positions and men as the dominant force.
However,society is changing and women are becoming just as dominant and influential as men. So many men get very confused and frustrated at their role and position in society.Their wife/partner may be the breadwinner or stronger force in their relationship and so men feel the only way they have to exert their masculinity is through their physical strength.

Fortunatly,Ive never been affected by domestic violence. However,I know its a completly underesourced,underfunded area in society which is being completly ignored by the goverment. There hasnt even been any cohesive studies done since 1999!

CathyMoran

Everyone needs to change - sorry, did not want to admit above but I was the victim of domestic violence by my mum. How can you get a 4 year old kid to defend herself against her mum. I have seen violence by women and it is horrible.

Sorry, it is not easy to talk about, I still love my mum, was a victim of abuse from the age of 3 to 29. I went to councelling so that it would never happen again and I have never hurt my husband.

Black Swan

Mikel wrote: »

'Self defence training' would be of no positive benefit, and possibly negative as it can give you a false sense of security.

I am not talking about a 2-week seminar on self-defense, which is a joke, indeed. I've been in martial arts, which includes self-defense, since pre-teen. I've already been forced to defend myself against a very large bloke a couple years ago in Dub, and he got the worst of it. Certainly, trying to talk your way out, or running would be my first choices (or calling the gardai if available). But sometimes you are left to your own devices, and flight is not a choice allowed by the abusive person. I refuse to be bullied or live in fear, just because someone is bigger or stronger than me.