Attracted to friend and being gay...

LegacyUser

Hey. Firstly, no one knows that I am Gay (well think I am anyways), and so I just felt the need to talk to someone about this and decided to come onto here.

So there's a really good friend of mine and the problem is I really like him. Ever since I first met him I just felt something. But the problem is that he is straight (either that or acting straight!).

I am extremely confused and upset over the whole situation. Every time we're out and he'd be chatting up some girl I'd become really upset. I think about him a lot, I've never thought about anyone like this or so much in my life and I know that there's no chance between the two of us.

And the thing is, I don't want anything to happen between us. I hate being gay, and I hate the thought of being with another guy. I know it's wrong. I know you're going to say "it's not wrong" or "you shouldn't hate being gay" but thats nonsense! It's not natural, it's not right and I just don't know what to do! I am so desperate that I was even searching the internet to see if hypnotherapy could help!

I think about how I am living a lie, constantly hiding this secret and it's killing me. And I don't want to come out either as I know things would just get worse. It's like I'm in a dead end.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed but there are times when I just get really upset and just keep focusing on the negatives in my life.

Can anyone help me, or can you share your similar experiences and how you got over them?

Thanks.

Rick_

I hear Iris Robinson has a friend she would gladly put you in touch with.

philologos

I would advise you to leave him alone if he is straight. You could either cause a lot of pain for yourself through being rejected, or if he has a girlfriend you could cause a lot of hurt for her. And if he is chatting up girls, yes he is clearly straight, and the probability of him being gay is significantly lower.

swiss

Unless you're very, very lucky, unrequited affection is part of everyones life, gay or straight. But the problem here is deeper than the nuances of your relationship with this guy, platonic or otherwise. It's spelled out here.

And the thing is, I don't want anything to happen between us. I hate being gay, and I hate the thought of being with another guy. I know it's wrong. I know you're going to say "it's not wrong" or "you shouldn't hate being gay" but thats nonsense! It's not natural, it's not right and I just don't know what to do! I am so desperate that I was even searching the internet to see if hypnotherapy could help!

You're right. I am going to tell you its not wrong and you shouldn't hate being gay. I hope that in time you realise that because by denying yourself the chance to be with another guy, you're denying yourself the chance to be happy and by convincing yourself that it's wrong, you're just perpetuating a cycle of self-loathing [swiss gets down from his Oprah couch].

I say this because several years ago I was in a similar position to you. I hated the idea of being gay and spent a long time trying to convince myself otherwise, persuaded somehow with the idea that if I met the right girl I could shake myself out of my chronic feelings for guys. More than once, I considered the possibility of pursuing the pretence of a loveless, joyless relationship with a woman just so I could maintain the veneer of what was expected from a guy in my position, and perhaps more importantly, what I expected from myself.

I came to the slow realisation that if I was to be happy and have any semblance of a 'normal' life, it wasn't going to be in some sort of sham that I could construct for myself. As it stands at the moment, I couldn't imagine feeling the same way for girls as I do about guys. If someone wants to tell me its unnatural, sick or wrong, let them. But as I have a life to live, and I intend to live it.

needhelpguy

Just want to say you're not alone buddy. I was in the EXACT same situation a few years back; absolutely mad about a friend but I couldn't do anything about it. I also think I'm gay or at least bisexual but I'm never "coming out". I don't want that life.

There are a lot more guys than you might think like us but who don't want to be gay. They just live a straight life, which is exactly what I am going to do. Remember, it CAN be done.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Good luck!

DubArk

needhelpguy wrote: »

Just want to say you're not alone buddy. I was in the EXACT same situation a few years back; absolutely mad about a friend but I couldn't do anything about it. I also think I'm gay or at least bisexual but I'm never "coming out". I don't want that life.

There are a lot more guys than you might think like us but who don't want to be gay. They just live a straight life, which is exactly what I am going to do. Remember, it CAN be done.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Good luck!

Done at what cost to you and others?

If you’re Bi and you are in a good relationship with a woman that is mutually beneficial to both parties I believe that if you stay within those parameters, then it can work.

But if you chose to live a lie and pretend that you’re straight at the expense of your true feelings, then your doing yourself and your partner, so much damage. This self loathing is not good for your psychological well being. It’ll all end in tiers my friend!!

OP: - You’re quite obviously not ready to come out, so don’t! You’ll know when you are and don’t let yourself be rushed till you are happy with yourself.

If you are gay then some day you’ll have to face that fact. That’ll be your hardest day, having to admit that this is who you are. Once you’ve done that then your ready to get on with your life. So many gay/bi/lesbian people have or will go through the very same questions you are putting yourself through now and each face the same dilemmas you’re facing.

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I wish you the very best of luck in your future.

Goodshape

needhelpguy wrote: »

I also think I'm gay or at least bisexual but I'm never "coming out". I don't want that life.

To what 'life' are you referring exactly? Are you afraid you're going to turn into a high-pitched, limp-wristed, Madona-loving queen at the first utterance of the words "I'm gay"?

If there's one thing that coming out has shown me it's that this really hasn't happened. Surprisingly enough, I still listen to bands like Pearl Jam, Radiohead, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins... still don't much like to party or disco... still have all my old friends (now that one was a worry.. but totally unfounded thankfully!) and really, honestly, my day-to-day life hasn't changed one jot as a result.

...except of course that I'm much happier than I've ever been with myself, have managed to get over those silly lustings over friends I can never have (did anyone not go though that at some stage?), am much more comfortable talking about love and sex (because I'm finally getting some *\o/* ) and have even managed to find myself a feckin' hot boyfriend

Not admitting it to yourself doesn't make you any less gay. It only means you're not admitting it to yourself.


Also.... '+1' for what DubArk and Swiss said above.

LegacyUser

I know what you're all saying, but I just hate the thought of it all.

For one thing, I hate the whole Gay scene, the flamboyancy and all that lark. Yes I know there are a lot of gay guys who like sport, hate fashion and just like to do "manly" stuff, but in all honesty, these are the ones that are less likely to come out.

And with good reason too! I know a few "camp" gay guys. When they came out it was really no surprise, everyone presumed it. But for seemingly straight guys, if they came out it would be a real shock.

I know people would treat me differently, and I really don't want to change the way things are (to an extent). I enjoy hanging out with my friends without them feeling uncomfortable, or knowing that my family doesn't have to live with the shame!

You really can't say you can live a normal life. A normal life is generally marriage and kids. Thats gone out the window.

And also, one of you suggested to stay away from my friend? How is that possible? How can you stay away from one of your closest friends? I can't just block him out of my life!

Goodshape

MessedUp99 wrote: »

You really can't say you can live a normal life. A normal life is generally marriage and kids.

A 'normal' life is also, generally, not having to hide who you are and repress your desires.

crotalus667

MessedUp99 wrote: »

Yes I know there are a lot of gay guys who like sport, hate fashion and just like to do "manly" stuff, but in all honesty, these are the ones that are less likely to come out.

That's bull for a start , they just had the gay rugby on a few weeks ago and those lads where defiantly manly :rolleyes:

I really don't want to change

things will always change that’s life

live with the shame!

can any one say big can of worms you don’t know how your family will react until you tell them so don’t assume that they will be ashamed

You really can't say you can live a normal life. A normal life is generally marriage and kids. That’s gone out the window.

there is no such thing as a normal life, there is a stereotypical life but that’s it

L1011

MessedUp99 wrote: »

For one thing, I hate the whole Gay scene, the flamboyancy and all that lark. Yes I know there are a lot of gay guys who like sport, hate fashion and just like to do "manly" stuff, but in all honesty, these are the ones that are less likely to come out.

Ten years ago perhaps. I'm in to football, cars, etc - as are quite a few of my gay friends. Society has changed, people don't feel they have to pretend they're what they're not anymore.

azezil

What a load of self indulgent, self loathing, utter tripe!
You've one life, get out there and live it, but spare us your gawd damn melodrama! :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

First off, I'm not being melodramatic.

Secondly, you're all telling me to live my life. But this isn't the life I want. I'm sure most gay guys would prefer to be straight (I'll probably get many replies disputing that). How can I live a life that I don't want!

Now, this next statement will definitely annoy some of you. Do none of you believe the whole gay thing is inherently wrong? Come on, nature created man and woman. Man reproduces with woman. Thats the way it's supposed to be.

I'm still in a rut. I feel that either way, I won't be happy, yet they're my only two options.

L1011

You're sure about something yet you know you're going to get replies contradicting it? Isn't that a slightly impossible viewpoint?

I wouldn't say theres an openly gay guy who'd prefer to be straight - at all. Only those in the closet, many of whom act out straight lifes right down to the wife and kids.

And also, you're not likely to be openly gay if you think its inherently wrong now are you?

tin_can_ted

Wow. Lots to talk about here.

Right, you are gay and yet you don't want to be. How long have you kinda excepted to yourself that you were gay? It's just that I remember trying to lie to myself and pretending to be straight to my friends at the very start. I was unhappy and I never felt 100% comfortable around them. I came out to them and I've never looked back. None of them cared and it was really nice not to lose any of them. I told them about 2 years ago and they are still my best friends after 1 year of being in different colleges.

I told my best friend that I fancied him and he was slightly proud of it. He was like "awh, thanks". I've fancied him for years and I told him at one stage that I was over him. I was lying to myself though as I still did. I told him then that I still liked him some months after. He said that lying to him was one of the most stupid things I've ever done.

If there was a cure in the morning, I probably would take it though. It would mean that I wouldn't fancy my best friend anymore and also I would be able to give my parents grandchildren. But, I know that there isn't and I'm not too fussed. I love my life now and I'm so happy.

I was 17 when I told my friends and it was the best decision for me. I think that you should tell your best friends. If he really is your friend, he shouldn't care and he should also respect you enough not to tell any one else - even your other friends.

Best of luck to you anyway and make sure to keep us updated.

L1011

Nothing prevents you from giving your parents grandchildren as it stands... "lesbian and a turkey baster" / surrogacy / adoption are all options.

hot2def

MessedUp99 wrote: »

First off, I'm not being melodramatic.

Secondly, you're all telling me to live my life. But this isn't the life I want. I'm sure most gay guys would prefer to be straight (I'll probably get many replies disputing that). How can I live a life that I don't want!

Now, this next statement will definitely annoy some of you. Do none of you believe the whole gay thing is inherently wrong? Come on, nature created man and woman. Man reproduces with woman. Thats the way it's supposed to be.

I'm still in a rut. I feel that either way, I won't be happy, yet they're my only two options.

I wasn't going to reply, I sympathise but you are being so childish that I wonder if you are a troll.


This isn't the life I wanted either. I wanted to prettier, smarter, my parents to love me more, I really am quite short, oh and being straight would have made my life easier too. But it isn't happening, and I'm not going to waste my time beating myelf up over it - I have other judgemental jerks to do that for me.

As for the inherantly wrong bit, "wrong" and "unnatural" are not interchangable terms.
"wrong" is a moral judgement, and personally i don't see anything morally questionable about behaving any way i want with a consenting adult. And I don't buy into any of these fairy stories about white old men in the sky conjuring up the world - so I am off that hook too.

As for unnatural, i never wanted on an intellectual level to engage in homosexual behaviour. I never sat down and came up with a rational reason to do it. In fact I, like most people on here no doubt, tried so hard for years to talk myself out of it. I could not, however, ignore the strong physical response I had to some women. Even if I had all the self control in the world, my hormones would do as they please.

now, as it happen I am bi, I could have decided to refrain from being with other women, and only involved myself with men. So on that level I made a decision about it, and I am not sorry. But it doesn't change the fact that a woman in a tight t shirt would turn my head.



Further, on a more base note, despite all the bleating I've heard from homophobic young fellas about gay sex being unnatural, i've never heard of one turning down a blowjob from a beoir on that basis. That's not was nature intended your mouth for either....

azezil

I suggest you keep these feelings to yourself, bury them deep down inside and never acknowledge them, never act upon those sordid desires, because you're right, they're sick and wrong, against god and nature!

DubArk

I have lived with my partner for the last 24 years and I think I can say for both of us, it’s been one of the most enjoyable "wrong" and "unnatural" times of our lives. If I wasn’t who I am, I would never have met him. If there was a cure in the morning, I wouldn’t touch it with a barge poll.

There was a time I admit, when I was much younger (1980’s) that I grappled with the whole “Where am I going to end up?” Thing!
I was extremely depressed because I hadn’t lived life yet, outside the confines of a very loving home. I, like most gay people, was so worried of rejection from my family and friends, that it was unbearable. The very thought of telling them and then if they had rejected me, was one of the most "wrong" and "unnatural" feelings a person could bare.

Since then I met my partner and we have never left each others sides since. Not living in each others pockets but as far as living in the same home as one another. My family and friends have been nothing but supportive, not always the case with everyone, I appreciate.

We don’t go to gay bars because we never really did; we both like different sports, and neither of us would be big into fashion.
Let me make it clear here, I have no problem with people who are screaming queens and do like fashionable clothes etc… I respect the individual and each to their own, it’s not my place to enforce my way of life onto others.

Gays are not a community of like minded people! Anyone who thinks that hasn’t met many, as they reflect life in general, some are very handsome/ pretty, ugly as a boiled bucket of ****e, tall, small, warts and all and some are the biggest bunch of wan***s that ever walked the face of this earth, others are so lovely its hard to believe. There are some gays that go completely unnoticed through life. Just like everyone else in the world.


Neither of us have ever wanted to start a family or adopt children but it was not uncommon when we lived in London to meet same sex couples who have, by what ever means. Those children are loved and cherished as in any family home. This is not some new phenomena, as a lot of their children are in there early twenties and not all tots. But the family unit was there and to my eyes no more different then mine as I grew up.

Summing up, you haven’t a clue what’s around they corner in life and no one does. I find that been true to yourself puts you in good stets for life and those around you. Sitting back and wishing that things were different when you have no idea what is or could be, is perhaps the biggest waste of time known to mankind. So take your cures and give them to someone who needs them, this gay’s going nowhere!! :P

FionnMatthew

There's a common fallacious mode of thought in the thought of the desperate single, that things are always greener the other side of the fence.

As a teenager, I lurched from adolescent fixation with one female to the next, lamenting in a self-absorbed way the pangs of unrequited affection, never broaching the subject, fearing rejection, fearing that to do so would be to overstep my station in life, hating the impulse in me that fueled my desire, when my body was so contemptible, and my courage so lacking. I invented a whole philosophy of silence, whereby in not speaking of my affection, I did a higher service to the women I liked, saving them from myself, and from the insidious desire to possess that drove me. It gave me reason to hate myself, and in hating, to hate others who did the things I denied to myself.

Eventually, I matured with this philosophy of abstinence, and it wasn't that the desire lessened, but that things were put in perspective, and sexual gratification, and the desire to be loved by another in this specific way: these things were revealed as only the smallest component of a healthy, balanced "normal" life. Being a healthy minded individual, someone with robust mental equilibrium, involves pursuance of goals, and a fulfilling life of projects and achievements. You cannot be an island. You will need the support of friends and of family, and the knowledge that you can provide the same favour to them, to maintain this mental balance.

And it was in this state of post-sexualism, after realising that sex was not everything, and that what was really the sublimated, desired obtainment of a woman/person to complete me, to possess like a pet, was an unhealthy cultural prejudice that had been inculcated in me since childhood by the society I grew up in, and after watching this mistaken and perverse compulsion drive many of my male friends to desperation, into dysfunctional relationships that nobody would want, into confusions and anxieties about not ever being able to find someone to "complete" them, or to "settle down with", after seeing this latent cultural artifact as what it was: a mere myth which was forced into the reality of each individual's life only at the peril of damage and the feeling of inadequacy, I, a male, finally found myself comfortable enough with myself to get into a relationship with a girl.

And from here it is obvious that I went through those years of self-denial and feverish self-loathing in a state of teenage naivete, never really understanding that the reality of sexual partnership changes little in the complexity or happiness of ones' life. Things are different. Necessarily no more nor less wonderful. It's still life. Certain things will change. The scenery, the people who surround you. But it's still life. It has its good moments and its bad ones. It's not paradise. It's nothing to hold yourself inadequate for not having, nothing to consider your own life incomplete in want of. It's just one more episode in life's adventure, and you ought not to deprive yourself of the more pressing beckonings just because you're waiting for this one, which you may not even find suits you.

Personally, even though I had longed for it so long, I found that partnership requires a lot of adjustment. I am a naturally solitary person, and romantic involvement required a lot of change from me, which I was only willing to give, but it's still sometimes a painful process.

You can live a long and happy life without ever being with someone, so long as you value your friends, and always keep an eye on the communities you are a part of. Try not to think of life in terms of a recipe, the ingredients to which you have to stick to. There are as many different types of life as there are recipes in the world. You can use any ingredients you want. Many of the lives you call "normal," were they recipes, wouldn't be touched on the dinner table. There are life-long single people in their 70s I know whose lives I would call "normal," because they lived a happy and balanced life, in which they had much fulfillment, and no regrets.

The moral is, your problem is the ideals you're working with. I don't actually think this problem has anything to do with homosexuality or heterosexuality at all. As what is designated a heterosexual, I found myself in similar predicaments with close female friends, who were never allowed learn of my affections. You need to live past your infatuations, and go about a good and fulfilling practice in the rest of your life, so that you can work up a robust holistic confidence about yourself, and therein realize that this isn't a big deal. The power of imagination should never be underestimated - you can consciously shape the way you think about your life, so as to influence the way things are to you - so as to influence your "reality." The smaller you can make your problems seem, the smaller they'll be, and the easier it will be to overcome them.

The point is not to "achieve" happiness. It's best to look on happiness, not as something you need to "get" but something you need to "do". Do things happily, so much as you can. Live happily. That's the secret to a happy life.

On a finishing note, as a heterosexual in practice and desire, but one with some experience in moral philosophy, I can say this. The stuff you've said about homosexuality being "wrong" with reference to "nature," and the "way things are supposed to be," none of that sort of argument would ever hold water in any philosophical literature. It's gullible nonsense, propogated by homophobes and bigots. It's always fallacious.

"The way things are supposed to be" is called a teleological cause. It's a sort of cause that is unique to humans, we being the species with vast powers of projective cognition.

In nature, the only sort of cause is "efficient" causation. This is the sort of cause where a billiard ball hits another, and the second one moves. Things happen because of the things that happened before them. There's no teleology, no "how things are supposed to be" in nature. Things just happen, without any goals, desires or purpose. They just happen.

Animals, for the most part, and at least those who don't have the higher cognitive functions that are giving you trouble here, don't worry about "what they are supposed to do" or "what cultural expectation demands of them." They seem, instead, to follow their desires, to be in thrall to them. If you really wanted to follow the law of nature, you'd just do whatever you wanted, and wouldn't stop to think about it. But as a human, you are given robust powers of self-determination. Use them. But don't worry about "how nature is supposed to be".

So the only way things can be "supposed to happen" is if a human being decides they are to happen this or that way. In supposing that heterosexuality is the way "things are supposed to happen" you are not accepting some teleology of nature, because nature doesn't have one. You are accepting some teleology of man, some "the way things are supposed to be" of someone else.

The question is, will you allow all of your decisions to be dictated to you by the banal expectations of a largely ignorant culture, or will you take control of your own life, and determine the meaning in your own life, and make it yours?

LegacyUser

First off I'd like to thank you all for your indept and helpful replies.

I think I've come to a decision. I am still going to hide my secret. Why? I just lack the confidence or "balls" to do it. I have never been a confident person, never taken risks, hate public speaking, anything like that, and coming out kinda fits in with that.

I also don't feel the need to tell any of my friends or family. Why should people close to me have to know?

I guess I'll just have to deal with it and try my hardest to find some sort of happiness.

One question though. If I needed to talk to someone, or even socialise, where could I go? I mean I don't like the gay scene (gay bars and such), GBLT clubs or anything along those lines. I know there's the internet, but I've never actually talked to someone face to face about my situation. And, as I said before, lacking any sort of confidence hinders me greatly.

Thanks again.

Moe79

MessedUp99 wrote: »

Hey. Firstly, no one knows that I am Gay (well think I am anyways), and so I just felt the need to talk to someone about this and decided to come onto here.

So there's a really good friend of mine and the problem is I really like him. Ever since I first met him I just felt something. But the problem is that he is straight (either that or acting straight!).

I am extremely confused and upset over the whole situation. Every time we're out and he'd be chatting up some girl I'd become really upset. I think about him a lot, I've never thought about anyone like this or so much in my life and I know that there's no chance between the two of us.

And the thing is, I don't want anything to happen between us. I hate being gay, and I hate the thought of being with another guy. I know it's wrong. I know you're going to say "it's not wrong" or "you shouldn't hate being gay" but thats nonsense! It's not natural, it's not right and I just don't know what to do! I am so desperate that I was even searching the internet to see if hypnotherapy could help!

I think about how I am living a lie, constantly hiding this secret and it's killing me. And I don't want to come out either as I know things would just get worse. It's like I'm in a dead end.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed but there are times when I just get really upset and just keep focusing on the negatives in my life.

Can anyone help me, or can you share your similar experiences and how you got over them?

Thanks.

If it makes you feel better, you've pretty much written word for word how I feel about being in this position and how I have felt at various times in my life. It's nice to know that there are other people out there feeling this way and I think everyone should have the right to NOT be publicly gay. I'm with you completely, I don't want to live my life in that way.

JBoyle4eva

OP, you obviously cannot identify your sexuality just yet, you seem confused and don't even look like you've doen one of the most important things and Come out to yourself. You can't progress in finding your idenity unless you've identified what sexuality you posess.

You can say to yourself "A woman's hole is where a penis goes", but honestly, would the idea of being with a woman for sex and emotional relationships please you, or would you be more inclined to find a life with a man more prosperous. You can't fight what you feel, and you certainly wouldn't be doing any good if you deny your sexuality and form a relationship with a gender you clearly don't find atractive.

However, if you're simply just finding this all a bit daunting, then take a step back and take stock of your thoughts. Most of the advice you've received doesn't seem to please you. You need to grow up and respect people's advice....or don't bother asking at all.

Stark

MessedUp99 wrote:

I also don't feel the need to tell any of my friends or family. Why should people close to me have to know?

They don't have to know. But if you can't share your problems with friends and/or family, who can you share them with?

Rock Climber

MessedUp99 wrote: »

I think I've come to a decision. I am still going to hide my secret. Why? I just lack the confidence or "balls" to do it. I have never been a confident person, never taken risks, hate public speaking, anything like that, and coming out kinda fits in with that.

Relax honey All those things may change in time

I also don't feel the need to tell any of my friends or family. Why should people close to me have to know?

You can't choose your family.I know my parents are very conservative.They love me for sure but in their own way avoid some of what I am.The conversation never came up because they'd prefer to avoid it.
I do too as I think they are so conservative they wouldn't be able to grasp what I am at all.
If thats your position,you are not alone in that so don't feel alone.

Friends are a different matter.You can never decide you have enough friends,so go make new close ones if you like and tell them as a first step.
Believe me it will make you feel better.
Bottling things in is a head wrecking experience no matter what.

I guess I'll just have to deal with it and try my hardest to find some sort of happiness.

As above.
Don't think that everyone in this day and age and in your case the new people you meet are homophobic.Most aren't

One question though. If I needed to talk to someone, or even socialise, where could I go? I mean I don't like the gay scene (gay bars and such), GBLT clubs or anything along those lines. I know there's the internet, but I've never actually talked to someone face to face about my situation. And, as I said before, lacking any sort of confidence hinders me greatly.

Thanks again.

You've started tbh by being here
If you have a registered account here,go and make friends here.
We are all open minded.
If you have bebo,go and make friends there too.
I dunno what age you are but go for it!

tin_can_ted

You say that you don't want to tell anyone but I fear for how long that that will actually last for.

Friends will start to realise that you might be a bit "off" when you haven't kissed a girl in the last few months or whatever. (I'm resuming you are still at school here).

I'd say that if they do kinda bring it up then, go for it and tell them.

Boston

You remind me of what I was like at 19 years of age. I'm of two minds on whether or not I should post this and I may delete this tomorrow I made the following post 3 years ago, about a year a few coming out. I was so fuked up at the time with self hatred and blame that I barely recognise that person. I hated being what I am and wished to god I could be 'normal' and not have to deal with all the ****e that goes with not being straight.

Thats the thing about hate though, its completely irrational. You live in fear and confusion. You hide away what you are from your friends and family and you're living a lie, this is what being gay means to you, its means pain, and how can pain be natural? So you hate yourself and anything that reminds you of what you are.

The only way to feel confident in yourself is to be yourself. You're sexuality is coming to influence your life in ways you can't even imagine, you can't stop it.

It started very simply one night; I just stopped fighting what I knew and felt and went for it. I didn't know what to expect. Despite all my thinking, I hadn't actually thought about what it would mean. Last thing I expected was to too fall in love, but I did. And I do love him. He's filled a part of my life that I never knew needed to be filled. He's helped me become a better person; I can't imagine my life without him in it. The thought of going back to being that lonely insular person I was before is truly depressing. But I don't know if I can hack being gay anymore.


Ever since my mother forced a confession out of me, my family life has been ****. Truly the pits. This whole silence and lies and secrets is eating me up. The same bull**** drove a wedge between me and my father, me and my brother and now between me and my mother. I tried to talk about it once, but it ended badly, now it's too hard for me to mention.


I've denied my sexuality twice. The first time was to her, after what seemed like hours of crying and fighting, I let her believe whatever it was she wanted to hear. The second was to someone I went to school with. This is truly haunting for me. I'm a fighter, always had to fight for what I wanted, always had this fuk you attitude and confidence in myself, even as a child. I've never pretended to be something I'm not before. I've never been ashamed of who I am before, so why now? I don't know and I've thought allot about why.


People look at me and think I'm very confident in my sexuality because I'll stand up and shout at anyone who challenges it, and because I've no problem kissing my boyfriend in a packed inner city bar, or holding hands walking down the street. But that's no difference then someone who retreats into themselves when confronted about it, it's just my defense mechanism. A friend recently started going out with a guy. He's fairly shy, timid, very apprehensive about showing any sign of gay affection, yet this guy is probably more at ease with who and what he is then me.


But that's not to say I'm not scared doing what I do. The little looks of disgusts and repulsion you get off people because you're holding hands with another guy, or kissing your boyfriend in your college bar, get to me. Because outward appearances aside, I've always been a fairly sensitive guy. And a year of this has had more effect on my confidence then I thought, probably pride blinding me to it, and not wanting to let the bastards get to me. I realised the other day I've come out to only one straight person. My closest friend at the time, and well, he didn't take it very kindly. Since then my boyfriend has been the one to announce our relationship, and by proxy my sexuality to friends. I've completely coward away from it.


While I think I'm a better person for finding and falling for him, I don't like the person I'm becoming because of my sexuality. I'm more paranoid, mistrusting, angry and aggressive. More then once he's had to stop me doing something stupid to some asshole who feels it's his place to call me a fag or throw a drink at me. That's not me, I wouldn't hurt a fly a year ago. But now, now I get this sickening feeling at the pit of my stomach and I just want to rip someone head off. So what am I to do? I don't like this person I'm becoming and the only way I can see stop to it, is to stop being actively gay but that means loosing him. I'm very conflicted at the moment.


I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. I don't think it would go down to well with my gay friends, and I don't want to upset my boyfriend with fears that I'm about to leave him. I'm posting because I've spent the last week going over and over all this in my head and it's getting me down. Believe it or not, just writing this has helped.

Elessar

Boston wrote: »

You remind me of what I was like at 19 years of age. I'm of two minds on whether or not I should post this and I may delete this tomorrow I made the following post 3 years ago, about a year a few coming out. I was so fuked up at the time with self hatred and blame that I barely recognise that person. I hated being what I am and wished to god I could be 'normal' and not have to deal with all the ****e that goes with not being straight.

Thats the thing about hate though, its completely irrational. You live in fear and confusion. You hide away what you are from your friends and family and you're living a lie, this is what being gay means to you, its means pain, and how can pain be natural? So you hate yourself and anything that reminds you of what you are.

The only way to feel confident in yourself is to be yourself. You're sexuality is coming to influence your life in ways you can't even imagine, you can't stop it.

Very interesting Boston - did you get over that? Or do you still feel the same?

Boston

In ways, yes I got over it. I stopped blaming myself and trying to change who and what I am. Some of the stuff you never really get past and my sexuality is still influences who I becomes friends with and the like. Once bitten twice shy.

Coming to terms with being gay or bi-sexual is always going to hard when right form the start you set yourself up as an outsider, believing yourself to be completely incompatible with the 'queer lifestyle'. You don't have to be and most gay/ bi people aren't. In time you find your own path, you cant force it.

Clanagael

needhelpguy wrote: »

Just want to say you're not alone buddy. I was in the EXACT same situation a few years back; absolutely mad about a friend but I couldn't do anything about it. I also think I'm gay or at least bisexual but I'm never "coming out". I don't want that life.

There are a lot more guys than you might think like us but who don't want to be gay. They just live a straight life, which is exactly what I am going to do. Remember, it CAN be done.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Good luck!

I do not believe that you should let on to be straight. That is selfish and coward like. If you are gay you are gay, big deal. Your family and friends will have to accept you for who you are. It is not wrong.. However, it is wrong if you life a life pretending to love a woman and have children and fool teh woman into thinking she has a life when in fact it is a sham. If i were to find out that my husband was gay, I would be horrified and would never forgive him for having zero respect for me. I would prefer he had an affair with a woman, i would at least know that not everything was a lie.. But in your case, if you do pretend to be straight, you are fooling all those around you and some day, in the near/long future, it will come out, and then everyone who had respect for you will not, as you didn't have the nerve to be a man about it.

Look around, there are 1000's of gay couples, men & female, and nobody actually cares. Those who have opinions let them, their opinions are NOT more important than your individual happiness.

Also, never persue a straight guy if you are gay, as you will diminish any hope of a friendship. If you get jealous of him whilst out, it may be best to avoid him until you meet someone yourself to avoid any conflicts of interest.

Best of luck

DJ_Spider

I have one thing to say - Labels are for tins, NOT people! Thankyou