Attracted to friend and being gay...

Boston

MessedUp: I really don't know how you think living that life is easier.

LegacyUser

MessedUp99 wrote: »

Someone said exactly how I feel earlier, that I have to filter everything I say. I
have to lie everytime I speak, I have to lead two lives, one public, and the other
in my head. If I see a good looking woman going down the street I have to say "man,
she's really hot". It's beyond a joke.
I really want to tell someone how I feel, but who can I tell? My brother? No, he's
completely homophobic. My father? He would probably disown me? My mother? She
probably wouldn't mind too much, except she would tell the world. My close friends?
I can't trust any of them with a secret that big....
I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of limbo. I don't want to come out, but I'm depressed if I don't.

You're doing fine. You've done a lot already by posting here despite your fears of being recognised. Well done.
You mention you don't want to come out, is that you speaking or is how you see your situation being clouded by fear?
You also said you can't trust your close friends with a secret that big? You're certain of this also?

All I can advise really is to put your fearful thoughts under scrutiny, what are the odds it could happen? Can you absolutely know ? What if the worst thing happened, would you still be alive? What if your fears didn't came about, can you even imagine that? What's that like ?

I've been in a situation similar to yours and it's scary, but you've recognised there's only one direction you can take now that'll allow you to be truly happy and free from split-personality disorder.

LegacyUser

I think my main problem is that I really care about what other peoples opinions about me are.

For instance, if I found out someone didn't like me for some particular reason, I'd have to find out why and rectify the "problem". Or say at work, if my boss thinks I did something wrong, but I didn't, and I tell him, I have this constant nagging feeling that he still thinks I did it and his opinion of me has changed. I hope that makes sense...

And to that person who said I was hompophobic, I think you're right.

Without trying to sound mean, but I hate your typical gay person (by typical, I mean the effeminate types). Nothing about them, or that lifestyle appeals to me. I know if I come out I won't suddenly turn into them, but I fear thats how people will think of me!

I don't like the idea of "dating" a guy, or chatting up a guy, gay bars, or anything like that! I am merely physically attracted to a small number of males (I really don't find that many guys attractive).

I know I shouldn't worry about peoples opinions and what they think of me, but I can't help it. Or if you'll let me coin a phrase that so many gay people use: "It's just the way I am".

Dwn Wth Vwls

MessedUp99 wrote: »

I think my main problem is that I really care about what other peoples opinions about me are.

You're right, this probably is your main problem. If none of the stuff in this thread so far helps you with that, then maybe you should consider reading some books about it or talking to a professional?

MessedUp99 wrote: »

Without trying to sound mean, but I hate your typical gay person (by typical, I mean the effeminate types). Nothing about them, or that lifestyle appeals to me. I know if I come out I won't suddenly turn into them, but I fear thats how people will think of me!

I don't like the idea of "dating" a guy, or chatting up a guy, gay bars, or anything like that! I am merely physically attracted to a small number of males (I really don't find that many guys attractive).

Nothing unusual here for the stage you're at, a lot of people go through similar. I really think you just need to find one person to tell.

MessedUp99 wrote: »

I know I shouldn't worry about peoples opinions and what they think of me, but I can't help it. Or if you'll let me coin a phrase that so many gay people use: "It's just the way I am".

That's just not true. You can change the way you think for the better. Convincing yourself otherwise is just a way of clinging onto the thoughts you're used to.

PeteK*

I was this way (except the fancying a friend part).

Then just came out to my family, when they knew I didn't care who knew!

Hope ya get your head sorted.

DubArk

MessedUp99 wrote: »

And to that person who said I was hompophobic, I think you're right.

That was me.

Gay Homophobe:

A gay man, who rejects gay culture/life/art/music/pride day/movies/tv shows. Someone who doesn't identify with the media's portrayal of gay life and the sensationalism.

This is where I see you, your disgusted by the very thought of what you perceive to be Gay/ stereotype homosexual men.

When I was coming to terms with my life, I too was disgusted and scared. Back in the 80’s the only thing I ever read about been QUEER was that they were deviants or paedophiles. Dirty old men waiting to jump you from behind some bush!! :eek::eek:

There’s much more to you then being gay and there's much more to being gay then what you read in the rags!
Life is very complex; as is every one of us, no matter what our sexuality.

For me, once I had come out to my family then I didn’t give a f*&k who cared, this was the hardest step to make but the most rewarding in the end.

Boston

DubArk wrote: »

That was me.

Gay Homophobe:

A gay man, who rejects gay culture/life/art/music/pride day/movies/tv shows. Someone who doesn't identify with the media's portrayal of gay life and the sensationalism.

Sorry but what the hell? What are you saying, that definition of gay homophobe would include pretty much every gay/bi person I've met.

DubArk

Boston wrote: »

Sorry but what the hell? What are you saying, that definition of gay homophobe would include pretty much every gay/bi person I've met.

Including myself! What im saying is the OP's view of what it is like to be gay....

That their veiw on being gay is tainted by what they read in the rags and hear on the street.

Im trying to explain to him that what he think is gay is NOT!
Any clearer?

moridin

DubArk wrote: »

Im trying to explain to him that what he think is gay is NOT!
Any clearer?

Well I wouldn't go so far as to say that. I think a better term would be that it's one tiny part of a larger whole.

Boston

DubArk wrote: »

Any clearer?

Not really.

moridin

Oh come on Boston, you're just being argumentative now

He's saying that being gay is both more and less than how we're portrayed in the popular media.

DubArk

Boston wrote: »

Not really.

Well im sorry I cant make it any clearer for you.

ixoy

moridin wrote: »

He's saying that being gay is both more and less than how we're portrayed in the popular media.

Yes and it's an important point - that you realise there's no definition of being gay other than being attracted to men. You don't have to fit into any other perceived stereotype or adjust yourself for them. It takes some time for everyone, myself included, but once you realise that you'll be a better and happier person for it.

Boston

moridin wrote: »

Oh come on Boston, you're just being argumentative now

He's saying that being gay is both more and less than how we're portrayed in the popular media.

Oh I get that, but even rereading the original post again I can't see how/where that point is being made.

Trance

If Dwn_Wth_Vwls' posts hasn't convinced them to come out or at least change their opinions somewhat then I don't think there's any hope.



I'm addressing Need_help_guy and MessedUp99 here...
Everyone who's gay has been in your situations to a lesser or greater extent at some stage. We've all wished we were straight. We've all had no one to talk to. We've all felt isolated, distant, unattached to our family and friends. We've all convinced ourselves that coming out wasn't an option. Everyone would hate us, disown us, nothing would ever be the same. Things could only get worse.

For two years I spiraled down into depression. I began like yous; confused, detached, homophobic (and every other emotion that comes with) and I gradually lost interest in my life, my friends and my family. I stopped going out, rarely went anywhere, rarely felt the urge to even stand up. My mates didn't know there was anything wrong with me, my family didn't know what. Anti-depressants no longer helped and I wouldn't talk to anyone. I reached the point where I was ready to take a complete nervous breakdown and contemplated suicide.

At that stage and very luckily, I remember one night having an epiphany moment. Thinking that things really couldn't ever get any worse I decided that I'd tell just one person. I wasn't looking for acceptance as I was sure that I wasn't going to get that, I was just looking for a reaction. I decided that I'd come out to one of my best mates/ex-girlfriend. The most terrifying few minutes of my life was walking to meet up with her and by the time I got there, before I said a word I just burst into tears. I'd never cried in front of anyone in my life. After 10 minutes of sobbing about how much she was going to hate me, as I was convinced that was how it would be, I told her... and she was absolutely amazing. There wasn't 10 seconds of awkward silence or 5 or even 2. She was delighted and it was actually the happiest moment of my life. I gradually came out to more and more people over the next few months and hadn't been happier in years.



What I'm saying is, when you're not out, you put yourself into a state of mind where you think that if you come out, everyone will suddenly treat you like ****, not want to know you, disown you and you'll be miserable. The actual situation is very different for the vast majority of people. Naturally now you're going to think 'well I'm in the minority that will have a terrible time'.. but it's not true. You won't. Also, as you begin to come out to more and more people you'll find youself adopting more of an 'I don't care what you think' attitude. When most, if not all people accept it then you'll begin to realise that if anyone does have a problem with it then it's their problem and not yours.

I haven't changed one bit since I came out in terms of my mannerisms. As it is now, you see gays on the television, hear them on the radio, magazines, newspapers. Gays in the media, by nature (or more likely by show) are flamboyant screaming fairies that get payed to be entertaining. They're payed to attention seek and that's what they're very good at doing. These gays are not a realistic representation of gay people in general and you'll come to realise that yourself when you come out.

Pm me if yas want or if yas want to message me on..
http://www.ladslads.com/profiles/innocente ..that because I use that more. Up to yous.

Cabbage Brained

@ needhelpguy and messedup99,

I started a new job about 2 months ago, and as of yet haven't found it necessary to tell my workmates about my sexuality. Anyway, there's this one guy that I've been talking to and going for lunch with quite a bit since I started. He's your typical macho, jockish dude, mad into girls and sport, but he's a cool guy. We mainly talk about football and other blokey things, which, shock horror, despite being gay I'm interested in. Anyway, I've often heard him referring to people he doesn't like as "fags", which I don't particularly like, but have turned a blind eye to, and he'll often say something is "gay" if it's a bit ****, which I don't mind so much actually. The point is he's exactly the sort of guy I would have been literally petrified of finding out I was gay a couple of years ago.

Anyway, a couple of days ago over lunch I was telling him about where my flat is (I live by myself in the city) and he was asking me if I brought many girls back there. I thought **** it, now is as good a time as any, I'll just tell him. So I said "No Sam, I'm gay", to which he responded "Well have you brought many blokes back there?" I told him I had a boyfriend, he said that's great, we should arrange to go for dinner with him and his girlfriend sometime, and then the conversation turned back to Ireland's recent performances under Giovanni Trappatoni. He has since called me and the four of us are meeting up tonight for a meal and a few drinks.

The point is, this sort of reaction from guys like this really isn't unusual! In fact it is the norm. I have told countless people who previously I would have thought would probably deck me if they knew, and I haven't had one bad reaction. Not one. In fact it has actually made me closer to alot of people, and I've found that people respect me even more for it, as they know and appreciate how difficult it must be. In fact quite a few responses have been congratulatory. Seriously lads, grow a set and start living your lives.

I hope this helps.

jayo27

fair play to Sam - he's a good one!!

LegacyUser

I was just browsing youtube tonight when I came across this one guys experience of coming out to his parents.

Basically it ended up that his mother treats him differently and is very upset at him being gay, even a year after telling her.

That is what I fear. Someone that I am close to just changing their opinion just like that, and then there's no turning back. I feel like I'm jumping into the unknown. I have no idea what will happen. Everyone I know could accept me or reject me. It's scary!

As I said before, and many of you have suggested, I need to tell someone. Trance, you told your ex-girlfriend. I have no one like that to talk to. First off, I've never had a girlfriend. Secondly, I have very few female friends, and the ones I am friends with I'm not that close with them. I'm sure it's much easier to come out to a girl than a guy...

So how do I choose who to tell?

I really can't explain how scared I am of coming out. My biggest fear is my family. I don't want to tell my family, at least not yet. But say if I did come out to my friends, eventually my parents would find out. Ah I feel like I'm going in circles.

Moe79

MessedUp99 wrote: »

In fact, I don't have a desire for a romantic relationship. I am very much a solitary person.

Maybe thats due to the fact that I never tell anyone anything personal, which is probably due to being gay.

I am so secretive about me being gay that even chatting to someone online, I wouldn't disclose even the smallest bit of information in case, in the highly unlikely situation, that they could identify me!

Someone said exactly how I feel earlier, that I have to filter everything I say. I have to lie everytime I speak, I have to lead two lives, one public, and the other in my head. If I see a good looking woman going down the street I have to say "man, she's really hot". It's beyond a joke.

I really want to tell someone how I feel, but who can I tell? My brother? No, he's completely homophobic. My father? He would probably disown me? My mother? She probably wouldn't mind too much, except she would tell the world. My close friends? I can't trust any of them with a secret that big....

I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of limbo. I don't want to come out, but I'm depressed if I don't.

Messed Up, I feel exactly the same way.. it's really comforting to know that I'm not in alone in having these feelings and thoughts. The filter thing is so true - I don't feel as if I have a true friend and confidante because it's as if I'm only presenting a half of me to them whenever I confide about anything.

But, like you, I just don't want to be out.. and I'm happier that way.. but at the same time, I'm not happy that I've to bottle everything up and not be my true self.

swiss

It could be worse, you could come out as an atheist to your parents.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8Aq00yJSxo

moridin

MessedUp99 wrote: »

I was just browsing youtube tonight when I came across this one guys experience of coming out to his parents.

Basically it ended up that his mother treats him differently and is very upset at him being gay, even a year after telling her.

That is what I fear. Someone that I am close to just changing their opinion just like that, and then there's no turning back. I feel like I'm jumping into the unknown. I have no idea what will happen. Everyone I know could accept me or reject me. It's scary!

Of course it's scary. My mum and dad were upset too when I told them, my mum took it very hard actually, and as we had been very close beforehand it was a very difficult time for me. However, after some time she did realise that I hadn't changed and that I was still the same son that she loved. I think introducing her to my (very polite, grounded, and normal) bf a couple of years after that helped her to accept things.

Right now you're eaten up by worry and confusion and it'll gnaw away at you inside until you can't stand it anymore. The solution is to face your fears and be honest about who you are. Tough in the short term, but the longterm rewards are worth it.

Cabbage Brained

Maybe you should consider ringing a coming out helpline and even just talking to somebody over the phone about it? You'd be surprised how much it helps even just to verbalise it.

Seriously, you're not alone, I know exactly how you feel. All myself and others can say is that you really won't regret it if you do come out, and I promise you that. Just take it slowly, there's absolutely no rush. Coming on here and voicing your problems is a huge step. Maybe you could meet somebody on here for a coffee or something? That might help. Set up an account and shoot me a pm if you'd like to meet for a coffee/ pint to talk about it in person.

Rick_

I'll second that (depending on where in the country you are). If you're close enough and you want someone to chat to properly, either in PM, MSN or even over a drink I'll be quite happy to let you talk away about your concerns.

Carraigrock

This is an excellent thread.

I'm pretty much in the same situation - apart from fancying a best mate.
I have told nobody - could never tell my family. Both my parents and siblings have been derogatory about gay people on numerous occassions.

I don't personally know any gay people, so I can only compare myself with famous people who are gay...and I do not want to be like them.
But I am what I am, and despite how long I've waited for this "phase" to pass, it's not going anywhere.

I don't want to be pigeonholed as the gay friend. I don't want my male friends not being able to socialise with me for fear of being branded gay themselves, or thinking that the only reason I'm hanging out with them is obviously because I fancy them.

Am I happy?...well at the moment yes. But what's going to happen in a few years when all my friends are married, and I'm always the odd number at dinners etc?

If I did tell a friend - what would they do? Say "oh thats great, well done!" and then go on living their lives, leaving me branded as "the gay guy"....what would it achieve??

L1011

Carraigrock wrote: »

I don't personally know any gay people, so I can only compare myself with famous people who are gay...and I do not want to be like them.

Famous, flaming people by any chance? One of the most listened to radio DJs in the UK is gay (Scott Mills) and you'd not know it unless you were told (or paid extreme attention to the show).

As goes being 'the gay guy' - that doesn't happen, at least amongst anyone I know. When all your friends are married you'll probably be CU'ed off yourself...

As goes not knowing anyone else gay in person - I wouldn't really know where to start from scratch, but using some of the gay websites (that aren't expressly sexual) such as queerid.com (and gaire.com if you're willing to pay for membership) would help you meet people as friends rather than just as prospective partners.

Boston

Being branded "The gay guy" was a big fear for me as well. I worried that I'd come out and then that would be all that anyone was ever be interested in me for, as if my sexuality completely defined everything there was to know about me. I feared I'd end up loosing all my heterosexual friends as a result of awkwardness and confusion.

None of that stress and worry was justified. I found that people who are branded "the gay guy" generally want to be branded as such. I didn't allowed there to be awkwardness regarding my sexuality with me friends by treating it all as "no big deal". Of course in some cases that didn't work out too well.

The things you worry about enviably never come to pass, while the things which never occurred to you will be the ones that bite you in the ass.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Carraigrock wrote: »

If I did tell a friend - what would they do? Say "oh thats great, well done!" and then go on living their lives, leaving me branded as "the gay guy"....what would it achieve??

Well, I'd say you're right in terms of how little it affects them. They will just go on with their lives, because it doesn't really make any difference to them. What it achieves though, is how it makes you feel. Generally it's a huge weight off your shoulders and a newfound sense of finally being yourself. If they're any sort of friends at all, they won't treat you any differently. If they do treat you differently, you can easily find some real friends.

Carraigrock wrote: »

I don't want to be pigeonholed as the gay friend. I don't want my male friends not being able to socialise with me for fear of being branded gay themselves, or thinking that the only reason I'm hanging out with them is obviously because I fancy them.

The only people who get pigeonholed as "the gay" are people who let their entire life revolve around it. Obviously your life doesn't revolve around it now, so there's no reason why that would change dramatically if you told people. As for worrying about your friends... I think you should give them a little more credit than that. This really isn't the dark ages anymore.

I don't wanna preach to the choir here, you sound like you've accepted it Do yourself a favour and take the next step.

needhelpguy

Just wondering how the OP is getting on and if he has any news?

Murder.1

I thought that if I come out when I first start college all would be fine. I would be with a majority of people that I didnt know and that I thought it would be easier that way.

I've been in college now since September and I'm still not out and I think now is the worst time for me. I've made so many good friends and I know it wont be the same with some of them after I come out. And there is one guy I'm really falling for. I'm trying my best to detatch myself from him, because I know that he will be one of those people who will treat me differently when they find out I'm gay. I know I'll get upset if this happens so I think that I shoud avoid him, ignore the feeling and get on with it. But I think I'm ok with that, it's just another one for the long line of disappointments

lol I've just realised recently how hard it can get. The guys I always fall for are always straight. And then you have your mates telling you how hard it is for them to find someone. I'm here like "hello " ?!

shay_562

Murder.1 - I think you're right about the first year of college being a good time to come out. I know an awful lot of people who came out properly at some point during their first year, and while it will mean making things weird with some of your friends, the beauty of college is that there's always new people. Not to trot out the "If they don't like you for who you are they're not your friends" line but...seriously. That about sums it up. Besides, in my experience the vast, vast majority of college-age people are pretty much OK with the gay thing. They'll joke about it and make stupid remarks, but there's few who'll actually treat you badly because of it.

As for the guy, it's hardly to give blindly positive advice about that one. Falling for straight guys is a bitch, but not exactly something you can help. I wouldn't recommend shutting him out of your life entirely, if you like him as a friend then try to keep him as one. Have you tried getting involved in your college's LGBT? It'll help with your main worry (losing friends if you tell them) as most LGBT societies are pretty friendly from what I've heard, but also, it acts as a very clear reminder that there are plenty more fish in the sea, which is often useful in getting over someone.