Game Reviews by a Christian gamer

ironictoaster

My friend gave me this link to this guys site. I want to hit him tbh :mad:

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (Komani, PS3)6.12.2008: (Note: I have not played this game since it is rated "M" and isn't allowed on the Fellowship U campus, so I am basing this mini-review on Secular media reports.) In Metal Gear Solid 4, you play the role of Snake, a soldier who uses stealth to sneak around a battlefield on a mission to steal guns from the Patriots (and to choke people from behind). As his name implies, Snake is actually a symbolic agent of Satan, sent into the world to finish what he started in the Garden. Evidence of this symbolism can be seen by Snake's use of an Apple iPod throughout the game (Apple is a notorious promoter of Darwinism and counter-culture). Also, Meryl, who guides Snake via a disembodied voice, uses an Apple Macintosh computer (I think Meryl is supposed to represent Satan himself, but all the symbolism is very confusing since it was written by a Japanese guy). This game promotes drug use (Snake is addicted to cigarettes and the HDD installation process features an 8-minute video of Snake teaching players how to smoke), eugenics through human cloning (Snake was the product of a project to clone "super soldiers"), disrespect of Authority (Snake's main enemy in the game are the Patriots, who represent the Christian founders of our nation), and Materialistic Determinacy with an absence of Free Will (every game in the MGS series is a remake of the first, only with a different Snake clone, the theory being that by putting the clones through the same missions, they will develop into the same person). MGS4 was designed to train those who will be left behind after the Rapture to serve in the Antichrist's military forces. As such, it has no value for the Christian gamer, who is among the Elect and won't have to deal with that, but it may help the unsaved to know the tactics they will be up against in a post-Rapture world should they choose to join the fight against the Antichrist and secure themselves a place among the Sheep when Christ returns. Therefore, I am giving it ONE CROSS for this slight benefit. †

Grand Theft Auto IV (Rockstar, Xbox 360 & PS3)5.6.2008: (Note: I have not played this game since it is rated "M" and isn't allowed on the Fellowship U campus, so I am basing this mini-review on Secular media reports.) Grand Theft Auto IV is a game designed to brain-wash players into the Atheist worldview. In it you play Nick, an immigrant recently arrived to Liberty City (a copy of New York City) who is tasked with stealing cars and murdering prostitutes. Nick came from a former Communist country where he was brought up in Godlessness and so he sees no problem stealing and murdering. The game touts its ability to let you "go anywhere and do anything you want", the central philosophy of Atheism. It also teaches how to escape from police, instilling in the player the main motivation behind Atheism: avoidance of authority. The underlying game engine is called "RAGE", which is apt since the game is fueled by anger at God. It also uses something called "Euphoria" which treats humans as "rag dolls" who act only in accordance to physics, which is what Atheistic Materialism teaches. The game series (as the title notes, this is the fourth game) has already resulted in murders in real life. This game has no redeemable qualities. Needless to say, all Christians should avoid this game and pray for the people who made it and their victims (murder victims and gamers of all ages who have played it and have been spiritually scarred). ZERO CROSSES

BioShock (Take-Two, Xbox 360 & Windows)

8.24.2007: (Note: I have not played this game since it is rated "M" and isn't allowed on the Fellowship U campus, so I am basing this mini-review on Secular media reports.) BioShock is a first-person shooter set in Rapture, an underwater city created upon the Atheist philosophies of Ayn Rand and Charles Darwin. In a Darwinian struggle to survive, players must kill small children in order to harvest their "Adam" (a.k.a. "stem cells"), which players use to obtain "plasmids" that cause them to macro-evolve superhuman abilities. The children themselves also kill other people to harvest their Adam, which is the sort of behavior Godless Darwinism teaches young people (I don't think its a coincidence that these children are aided in their killing by large diving-suited beings called "Big Daddies"). There's lots of not-so-subtle anti-Christian imagery used in the game, like how the city name, "Rapture", refers to there being no Christians living there, since they are all up above the water (much like how when the real Rapture comes, we will all be above the Earth) and how players use resources called "Adam" and "Eve" to become genetically degraded by the plasmids making them less human (just like how the Fall, caused by Adam and Eve, brought death, mutations, and carnivores to our world). I'm not sure if this game is supposed to be a cautionary tale about how Atheism and Darwinism destroy society, or a simulator to train its teenage target audience to enjoy living in such a world. Either way, the game is too disturbing to be suitable for Christian audiences. ZERO CROSSES

Source

Spunge

Is this for real?
Absolutely farcical

AlmightyCushion

I really hope that's real. Fact is stranger than fiction.

thelordofcheese

That is by far and away the most accurate review of MGS4 ever.

And I'm not joking.

johnny_ultimate

Reminds me of that hilarious film "review" site, CAP Alert (warning: tacky web design, plus general crazy people).
But at least pretty much everyone would disregard these reviews when they all open with "I haven't played this game..."

Religion, ey?

Bubs101

Great site

Harry J. Krishna wrote:

SEXUAL CONTENT
Early in the game you’ll meet Gloria, a barely-clothed woman warrior. We are meant to notice her. During Gloria’s carefully choreographed cutscenes we get a lot of closeups of her mostly bare and bouncing breasts, buttocks, and crotch. The camera glides, admiringly, over her womanly features, and Gloria’s seductive movements only enhance our view. You’ll briefly observe what appears to be two nude and moaning female demons engaged in a sexualized dance. One puts her hands on the other’s breasts, and her mouth to the crotch. Another female-featured demon monster bares a lot of cleavage, and during battle Nero actually attacks her most vulnerable spot– the womb.

He sounds like he cried writing it

rizzla

Amazing, does the "What console would Jesus play" poll work for anyone? I really wanna know the result.

Ok works now...

What would Jesus play?
Playstation 3 32% 409

Xbox 360 28% 352

Wii 27% 345

Nintendo DS 8% 103

PSP 4% 53

Would have thought the 360 would of won since microsoft are apple's ("Apple is a notorious promoter of Darwinism and counter-culture") opposition. PS3 the choice of true Christians.

Mr E

Nothing like a good laugh to start a Friday morning.

Thats just crazy.

Roar

cool, looks like i'm spiritually scarred!

vex

Now that i think of it, after playing half life, i thought how Gordon Freeman was actully Jesus (If Jesus was short sighted and cut his hair short) who came back to earth to dispense justice with a crow-bar, instead of using his force lightnig ...........................................

madrab

awesome reviews, im going to go home & burn me copies of bioshock & gta4 & pray for all you sinners

humanji

Check out some of the Christian games. They're even more distubing:

Psychotic Christian wrote:

In Zoo Race, secular librarian Hannah, after mocking someone for believing in the Biblical truth of Noah's Ark, has a dream in which her friends are re-shaped into animals just disembarked after the Flood -- only with crazy hats! Noah races the animal friends with God acting as announcer. Noah's sons create obstacles on the racetrack to challenge the gamer, who can use rockets to accelerate their animal. Hannah wakes realizing her foolishness for doubting the Bible and dedicates her soul to Christ. A fast and fun racing game for up to 8 players! (Free 4-player demo available.)

Cravez

lol check out the other on the website poll:

Do you use cheat codes?
Yes, but God knows I am a sinner and will forgive me - 49%

No, they are not Christian - 21%

Only if I can - 16%

No, I like to solve a game on my own - 14%

total votes: 1324

So if you cheat in a game you are a sinner, time for confession

Mr E

lol.... Pastor Skeet needs some educatin'

Bully Review wrote:

After one of the boys asked me if I wanted to play "shirts and skins", I quickly turned off the Playstation because I didn't want to see what that was (Pastor Skeet later told me it's homosexual slang).

Football is homosexual?

Silverfish

I think I'm at my most disturbed ever right now.

Nah, has to be a pisstake using reverse psychology.
Christians: 'We're christians and this game is bad and has violence :mad:'

Everyone else*: 'WOOHOO VIOLENCE AND GUNS let's go buy that!' *stampede*








*The 'Everyone Else' depicted may just be me.

Auvers

ahhh thanks for the that, some great stuff there

Kyle "Da G-Man" Goldman



hahahahahahahahahahaha

DarkJager

Ah christians.....where would we be without them and their psychological problems??

Slow Motion

Excellent find, I want to buy all those zero cross games now!:D

Zillah

Ahahahaha.


Religion.

Christian Psycho wrote:

Bibleman: A Fight For Faith (Covenant Studios, PC; soon: GBA/DS/PS2)
Bibleman
The popular sci-fi superhero Bibleman makes his first game appearance in this adaptation of the DVD of the same name. Put on the Full Armor of God and guide Bibleman, Cypher, and Biblegirl as they do battle against the archvillain Wacky Protestor and his Secular henchmen, who are seeking to rid the world of Christianity. Unlike Secular games that reward violence, Bibleman doesn't attack his foes. Instead he deflects their attacks.

Yeah, wriggle out of that debate like a good Fundamentalist.

Ok, no, this can't be for real: http://www.covenant-studios.com/media/finalbmantrailer60secweb.mov

Gunmonkey

Oh man those are classic. Do they actually review any games or just say "it was rated M so gonna take what I can from the media"? Weirdest part is how close to reality they are with the Bioshock review, but that game touted its anti-religion basis in the first few minutes. Guess they missed how most of the splicers sing "Jesus loves me" and say phrases like "He watches down upon me, even under the ocean", most religion I have ever seen in any mainstream FPS title.

And would have thought Jesus would play the Wii, its kid friendly and encourages family play! Meh, seems the son of god just wants to pwn noobs in Warhawk!

danniemcq

site down

DarkJager

danniemcq wrote: »

site down

Must be that pesky Satan and his 1337 hax0r skillz :rolleyes:

R0ot

OMG @ one of the polls:

Do you use "cheat codes"?

-No, they are not Christian
-No, I like to solve a game on my own
-Only if I can't get past a level
-Yes, but God knows I am a sinner and will forgive me

MooseJam

very funny stuff, up with the best stuff on the christian forum

mayordenis

i lolled in my pants

daveharnett

Sweet! it's right up there with landoverbaptist.org

chavezychavez

That site would nearly get you going back to mass quicker than chocolate covered communion!! - NOT :D

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Jsm2v8TJ-8&feature=related

not a game..

but my god

Genghiz Cohen

Science be with you Bibleman!!!

Biblegirl has a hawt rack BTW.

DirkVoodoo

That's hilarious, complete misinformation and scare-mongering. This is fundamentalism in its extreme. How can these narrow-minded cretins call themselves Christians? They're nutjobs!

uberpixie

Where's the review of mass effect?