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hilarious :)

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  • 08-07-2008 9:54am
    #1
    looder
    Registered Users Posts: 1,238 ✭✭✭


    Actual ads from the Lonely Hearts pages of ' Ireland 's Own'
    >
    > Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in
    > a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club
    > and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock
    > in the morning.
    >
    > Donegal man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
    >
    > Grossly overweight Louth turf-cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks
    > nimble sex-pot, preferably South American, for tango sessions,
    > candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own
    > car and be willing to travel.
    >
    > Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
    > the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
    >
    > Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
    > poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks
    > mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce
    > along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.
    > Strong stomach essential.
    >
    > Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and ****ty
    > after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes,
    > maybe more.
    >
    > Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in
    > the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady
    > with a lovely chest.
    >
    > Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed
    > super model, who owns her own brewery and has an open-minded twin
    > sister.
    >
    > Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks
    > replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie.
    > Thurles area.
    >
    > Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée,
    > seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
    > this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches


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    #2
    biko
    Registered Users Posts: 81,220 ✭✭✭✭biko


    You forgot the *not actually Actual. Actually made up but "Actual ads" make this more funneh.

    I like the Mayo one.


  • Options
    #3
    Steve_o
    Registered Users Posts: 3,432 ✭✭✭Steve_o


    lol, the Limerick guy seeking an alibi is brilliant!!!:D


  • Options
    #4
    Homer
    Registered Users Posts: 4,316 ✭✭✭Homer


    Here'some other classics from further afield!!

    'Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks...damn it, I have to pee again.'

    'Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.'

    'Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.'

    And if you need help translating some of the most often used phrases in a lonely hearts advert this should help..

    ADVENTUROUS = Likes An*l

    ATHLETIC = No T*ts

    30 SOMETHING = 41 +

    FUN = Annoying

    WILD = Gets Pissed Easily

    BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face Like a Robbers Dog

    SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Husband Has F*cked off With Younger Model

    NEW AGE = Hairy and Smelly

    GOTHIC = Miserable and Hairy and Smelly

    HEADSTRONG = Argumentative

    ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic

    CURVY = Fat C*nt

    CUDDLY = Fat C*nt

    LIKES EATING OUT = Lazy Fat C*nt


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