Seperation anxiety. Help please...

Quality

Hey guys,

My little fella has started playschool, I wanted to get him started and settled before I go on maternity leave. He has been with a child minder for the last year and a half and He is now 2 and 7 months. Anyhow it is a lovely place and I am very happy with it and the service they provide.

However the little fella is getting upset going in.. Grabbing the leg, telling me he misses me and wants to go home.

I know it is completely normal and it will take a few weeks for him to settle.

Do any of you have any tips on how to make it a bit easier for him and me. I think I am more upset than him leaving.:o

Thanks

Oryx

I have a girl around the same age, shes been going to the same creche since she was tiny, but we have bouts of this, especially after breaks for holidays. Ive found if I talk to her about going to school from the time we get up, make it sound like a big deal and all exciting, shes more upbeat going in. The staff are aware when shes having one of her 'wobbly' days, and they always take her from my arms into theirs, sit down with her and chat and distract her straight away, getting her into whats going on with a bit of tlc to boot. I try to leave asap, as prolonging the moment where I leave her always makes her a lot worse. Its easier for the staff to calm her too, even if youre in a knot going out the door!

Good luck and hope its a temporary thing.

Victor

Do you discuss the playschool with him afterwards - normalising things?

Quality

Victor wrote: »

Do you discuss the playschool with him afterwards - normalising things?

Absolutely, I try to be as positive as I can, I know all his little friends names and the girls that work there. There is an activity list of what they do each day on the wall, so I have that to work on... ie, did you dress up today... sing songs.. etc.

I tell him what a big boy he is...

I wasnt sure about the talking about it in the morning, cause sometimes he says he doesnt want to go.. But I will give it a try...

I only have him in 3 days a week at the moment, I think it is enough for him for the first few months anyway.:)

Victor

Quality wrote: »

I tell him what a big boy he is...

O_o What if he turns out to be short? What complexes are you setting up?

gubby

I would try also to keep reassuring him that you are going but you will be back. It is one of my pet hates to see parents "sneaking" away from their children when leaving them anywhere. I understand that they think they are making it easier for the kid and especially for the person who will be left with a screaming toddler. But look at it from their point of view... one moment you are there... then, you are gone. he doesnt know where or even that you will return. I understand that most probably is not your sons problem because he is older and has been with a child minder and you always came back. but I still think its good for you to tell them. Even if you tell him what you are going to be doing... like saying "today now I have to... something you know he doesnt like.. shopping" (he will be a man after all) I think it might help him and make him feel more grown up like its a plan you have together and he knows what you are doing when you are not with him. hope this helps.

Quality

Thanks Gubby, that makes a lot of sense..:) Will try that as well.

EcoGirl

Does he have to go? He's obviously not ready.

I sent my son to play school early, same thing, he cried, and I left him there. But I wish I hadn't now. He's fine don't get me wrong, and your son will be fine too. But why put him through that trauma for no reason? (Assuming there's no reason - if there is, then that's different).

It's a cultural thing, separating mothers and babies/young children - but it's not always what the babies/young children need or want.

Quality

I appreciate your point of view Ecogirl. However I think he is ready for mixing with other kids and this will also build confidence for him.
As I said he is with a childminder on a daily basis, but I think he needs a bit more stimulation than that. The playschool provides structured learning through play.

It will also give me a bit of time with my newborn when it arrives in November as I wont be using the childminder. The plan was to start him now, so that things would be ok for when the baby is due.

As far as I am aware it is completely normal for a toddler to react in the way he does?

Loopy

I agree with Gubby, drives me mad when I see parents sneaking off, 'Mammy's just going to the loo' and they leg it and the poor kid is left wondering and waiting and feeling very insecure.

My eldest fretted for a few weeks when she started and I just stayed with her for as long as I could / was allowed. The girls working there always assured me that seconds after I left she was all smiles and playing happily.. A lot of kids turn it on and know how to really get us going. I thought maybe the girls were saying it to make me feel better so I would forget to leave something in her bag the odd time and go back 5 mins later and she was always as they said happy as larry..

Good luck hon...

Gillie

Quality wrote: »

As far as I am aware it is completely normal for a toddler to react in the way he does?

Of course it is!

If they didn't I would be very worried!

luckat

What's his favourite treat? What about making the journey to playschool a leisurely walk, and just as you reach the door, peel open the favourite treat and share it with him, in a ceremonial way, every day.

Don't make a big deal of it, but maybe say "Mmmm, playschool treat time!" as you pop the first bite into his mouth and the first bite into yours.

Associating the way into the playschool with a loved treat, a happy time, a relaxed walk, will calm him down and make him pro-playschool.

Oh, one other thing. He may not be fitting in; talk to other parents, and talk to him. See who he likes, and maybe get him clothes that kind of mirror theirs a bit. Fitting in is important when you're little.

Kernel32

My son started pre-school when he was 2. He loved it, drop off was a breeze. Then my wife got pregnant again. At first it was fine but at some point he decided he did not want to go. It got to a point where my wife would not drop him off so I took over. I did it once, he screamed and clung to me and it really did a number on me. I did leave him that day, but it was his last day.

In hindsight we put it down to two things. The impending arrival of his sister and the "be a big boy" stuff we all use. He didn't want to be a big boy, he wanted to be a little boy. We were in the fortunate position that my wife could stay home. After our second child was born we tried him in a different pre-school, in fact he went to two different pre-schools, one in the morning and one in the afternoon and took to them like a duck to water. He has now started school and is a very social and well adjusted kid.

I don't know if that helps, but it's the experience we had dealing with a child now wanting to be seperated.

Buzz Lightyear

Hi, I'm a part time play school teacher and i just thought I'd add my few cents worth. What your little fella is doing is entirely normal. I'd echo what another poster said and say to you to always say good bye. Tell him you are going but tell him you will be back. Its upsetting for him but less upsetting than you just disappearing and him wondering if you are coming back.

Go back and check on him after a few mins if you can - spy in the window if possible. Tell staff you are doing this and ask them to have him where you can see him if possible. If this isn't possible ring them when you reach home tocheck. No staff should mind a quick phonecall.

I'm saying all this assuming that you have checked that there is no other reason for this upset - no bullying, no being scared of anyone etc.

If thats the case - it's a phase that will pass.

HTH

Quality

Thanks a million everyone for all your help and tips...

Things went a bit smoother on Friday.:)

He was upset when I left him, but in great form when I collected him, He brought me in and showed me what he was doing, he seemed very proud of himself.:D

@ Buzz... The staff have been fantastic, they give me great feedback on how he is getting on and gave me the number to ring to see how he is, I usually ring about 20 mins after I leave to see if he has settled ok. They are very sympathetic about it all..

Thanks again..

chatty woman

Here is the best thing you can do,

When you get ready for school, just say your going for a drive, when you get to the school say you are going in for a chat to the teacher (never let on that he is staying there). Once you go in the door, big expressions at the toys and other children, if he sees you playing with them given time he will too... only pay attention to him if he is not crying. Once he is quiet and happy to let go of your leg just calmly say, im going to go to the bathroom and ill be back in a min, if he wants to come ..let him. He has to know that you are not going to abandon him and then with no fuss return to the class room (incase you havent guessed youll have to spend the first day there). Give him a while to get used to it agian and say im just getting some toys over here, move to the other side of the classroom and bring back a toy ... dont let him come with you this time. continue with this till he is ok and will take his eyes off you for a min. Then leave for the bathroom again this time he cant come. He will cry but then when he sees you are back again he will trust your not going to leave him. Once the trust is there, tell him you have to make a phone call ... leave for 5 min and then come back. Increase this time away ... until you can leave. I know what you're going to to say, you cant do that in a pre-school, thats ok you can do it in a play group ... then once you go to school it wont be as bad. Mother and toddler groups are perfect for this. Its all about the trust.