Please read and please help

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I know this is a discussion forum but I am need of help and have nowhere else to go. My life has been slowly falling apart over the last 6 months and now I have hit rock bottom. I couldn't get much lower than I feel now.

Long story short I'm a 23 year old male. Done the school thing, done the college thing. I knew I was gay from an early age and was quite accepting of it at first. I never told anyone about my sexuality and nobody ever guessed. I liked sports, had girlfriends etc. I always figured I'd wait out my school years and then come out once I'd gotten into a relationship. Well that plan failed. As I went through college I continued up the pretence. There were no guys in the GLB society that I found interesting, even on a friendship level. I continued to socilize in straight bars and live a straight lifestyle.

Now I'm paying for it.

I became best friends with a guy about a year ago. Words honestly can't describe the connection between us. We share the same ambitions, sense of humour and have identical personalities. On a looks level we are perfectly matched. The one area of my life I've never had trouble in is the looks department which makes my lack of intimate relationships all the more frustrating. We immediately clicked and became insepaerable. I know people like to term these things as innocent crushes but honestly I love everything about him, his eyes, his upbringing, his laugh, his accent, his opinions. I love the good the bad and the ugly about him. We fast became like brothers. Told each other everything, hung out everyday ect.

But here's the problem.

He has a girlfriend. Who he adores. She's obsessed with him and he's obsessed with her. He said he didn't like her at first but as he had no-one before he went for it. She's his first gf and he carries a serious complex about being a bad boyfriend to her. He was with her when we started hanging out but she's decided she doesn't like me and he is slowly but surely cutting me out of his life. He denies this, and to be fair is trying his best to do a good balancing act between the two of us but he's failing. She treats him badly in the sense that she always makes him feel bad for spending time with me and to be honest now Ive decided to cut him out of my life because I cant take this pain anymore.

At first I honestly thought he was gay. In the closet, whatever. The way he smiled at me, spoke about me to other people. I know he 'loves' me but at first I thought is was romantic love. Now was time goes by and he prepares to move in/get engaged to her (evenutally) I can see it was nothing more than just a form of brotherly love. It kills me so much. On the one hand I appreciate his friendship, he's a great friend and I love him to bits as a brother, on the other hand I also love him.

Which is why Im suicidal. I feel evil, dirty and wrong. All this time I've been decieving him. Lying to him. All the times I was alone with him wishing things to happen that would probably disgust him if he found out. It would probably break his heart if I was honest at this stage and would delight his gf no end. I feel worthless.

I've never had a first kiss, first boyfriend, never held hands with anyone. Its been cloaks and daggers all my life. Ive never had anyone text me at night, or had an anniversary, never had sex with a guy. I feel cold, frozen and alone. I dont really see the point anymore. Ive missed out on the best years of my life because of the way I was born. I am angry, angry at myself for not being honest upon going to college, angry at the world for its hostility and pointless prejudice, angry at hime for being lucky enough to be born straight and never have the complex of duping his best friend. I can't fight biology. I can't change the world. I feel helpless and hopeless.

Over the last couple of months Ive taken to drugs and drinking recreationally, something I never did before just to numb the pain. I quit muy job and spend all day in bed. I've researched how to kill myself so many times now, I even have a plan in place (GHB overdoes with vodka). I am crying as I write this. I loved him so much. I was prepared to come out for him, to my friends, family to the world. He wasnt some guy I met on a sleazy dating site, it wasnt in a public toilet, it felt natural, right, and inoocent but of course he wasnt gay. There's no-one out there who can compare now. I wish I never met him.

Im sorry for ranting. I know I've probably annoyed you all with my complaints but I honestly dont know what to do anymore. I really feel that this is the end for me. I've no will to live anymore. I want to be straight. I hate this. I want my best friend to just have me as that, a best friend. Not some creep who lied manipulated him into thinking I wasnt just after him. I disgust myself. I really do.

Thanks for reading. And any advice at all would be appreciated. This is the most honest thing I've written in all my life.

4red

I have just three words for you:
Hang in there.

Don't take that as trite advice. Many many people have been in the same position as you. But what you're getting confused about is your unrequited love and your closet status.

You will get over the guy, in time look on it with nostalgia, even fondness.
You can do litte about it now, but accept the cards fate has dealt.

You can however do something about your closet status. Find some way - any way - to interact with gay guys. Join the gay rugby team; look for a friend online who may be nervous about going out to gay bars and combine your forces; go abroad to a cool gay club (Berlin or New York spring to mind) if you have to. Basically find a way to get over the hurdle that is your first experience.

Cut out the boozing and drugs. You're clever enough to know why.

And finally, believe me, most people your age are very far away from having satisfying emotionally connected sexual relationships. It takes a while and most people I know, gay and straight, admit to having a tough time in their twenties in that respect. Life gets better, simple as that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice.

He has decided to get engaged to her. He told me today. Another crushing blow. I should have seen it coming as she's just turned 25 and was hoping to settle down.

I will hang there. As for gaybars, I live in Monaghan. Not alot going on down here.

Elessar

I think you should try and talk to a counsellor about how you are feeling - your doctor can recommend one or ring up www.irish-counselling.ie

We've all been there buddy, straight or gay, and believe me I know what it feels like. Don't do anything rash. You need to talk about this with someone.

JupiterKid

Hey there cant go on - I know that you are very, very down at the moment but it will get better if you just manage to hang in there. Come out - be honest to yourself and don't fight your true self. It will transform your life for the better.

You can still stay friends with this guy but put your broken heart down to experience and move on. You are only 23 - just starting out in life and will find happiness if you truly want to. You have certainly NOT wasted the "best" years of your life - they are for sure yet to come. Things will get better. But first, learn to be happy with yourself and true to yourself.:)

Weidii

Don't ever think that you're filthy or disgusting. It's not your choice what gender you like or what person you like.

I know this must be an extremely frustrating situation to have to live with, but as another poster said, hang in there.

Maybe take a year out to travel, get away from your friend and from your hometown. Go somewhere and when you arrive just be you from the word go. Being "out" somewhere else might make it easier to be out here, you never know.

I really think you need a fresh start.

Best of luck OP, I really feel for you.

moridin

Most people go through a little heartache from time to time... though for some it's worse than others. You're clearly having a rough time of things, but do hang in there. You can tell from the way that you've expressed yourself in your post that you're intelligent and articulate. You're 23. Your whole life is ahead of you. Things will improve, but only if you take a hand in improving them.

Stop getting pissed and drugged up, not gonna help anything. Get out of bed, look for a new job, or consider going back to college to do a masters. Try and find some friends online who're also gay - believe it or not there are a few of us out there who aren't total c**ts and aren't out to screw people over - as talking to someone who can relate to what you're going through would really help you get through this I recon.

Best of luck, am rooting for you.

Rev Hellfire

Gawd some people, truly I despair.

If you're doing something which brings you no contentment the obvious thing is to stop doing it. In your case your first step is to break all contact with your 'friend', socialising with him is obviously doing you no good.
If you're not prepared to do that, then its a case of reaping what you sow.

Boston

First off this is exactly the type of thing this forum was set up for, so don't feel like you shouldn't be posting it here.

You feel a huge amount of angry and resentment and that isn't going to go away by cutting someone you love out of your life without ever telling them why. He's probably the one person in your life who will understand if you trust him enough to tell him. If you don't trust him now it will eat at you and it could be years if ever that you have a friend like this again in your life.

Rev Hellfire

Must say I totally disagree with the above.

Assuming you do intend to keep in contact (which I personally think is a mistake, but everyone has there own take on these thing) telling him you fancy him will do no good and only make a bad situation worse.

Lets put it like this, even in heterosexual friendships one party telling the other they fancy them (when they know its not reciprocated) always messes up the relationship. Throw in straight bloke getting hit on by you can only end in tears.

That's my take on it, others may disagree. But I feels its the realistic one.

Boston

My reading of the original post is that he hasn't told his friend he's gay and thats a big fear in and of itself. I don't know if he should or shouldn't mention his attraction but I do know cutting off contact in this type of situation without ever explaining why will absolutely end in tears for everyone.

Rev Hellfire

Boston wrote: »

My reading of the original post is that he hasn't told his friend he's gay and thats a big fear in and of itself. I don't know if he should or shouldn't mention his attraction but I do know cutting off contact in this type of situation without ever explaining why will absolutely end in tears for everyone.

I'd agree that hiding that he's gay isn't perhaps the healthest option. But this his post is more about wanting something from his friend which his friend is clearly not in a position to give. Telling his friend he's gay will most likely make no difference, telling his friend he's gay and fancies will almost certainly end in tears. Once you cross that line you can't go back.

tin_can_ted

I also fancy my best friend and he is fully aware of this fact. I told him I was gay and it was one of the best decisions in my life. It didn't change anything, if anything it made our friendship better.

I told him I fancied him years ago. He was quite happy at that fact. :pac: Then I kinda lied to myself and told him that I didn't fancy him anymore. That was an outright fabrication. Then I told him again that I never stopped liking him and he said to me that that was one of the stupidist things that I've ever done and he give me a hug.

It depends on how openminded your friend is. I guess, at 23, he should be grand to tell. But, it's a big decision.

Reflector

Hi CantGoOn,
I think your story reflects a lot of peoples experiences but I won't bore you with details of mine. You say your 23 well it wasn't until after 23 did I make gay friends, meet and break up with my first boyfriend and also come out to all my family. I have to say that my late twenties have been the best years (so far, 29 now) and I'm staying positive for the future. I would say hang in there. Also you need to meet people with similar interests to yourself. I joined a gay rugby team last year and it's been such a laugh.
you need to start moving on, move to Dublin if nothings going on up there.