a good few gud uns

looder

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes
up with a
suggestion.. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long
will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may
even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.

_________________________________________
-

---

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” the woman replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

_________________________________________
-

---

Laying Off Sarah or Jack

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

_________________________________________
-

---

First taste of sex


A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.

The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.

The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man to eat her p--sy. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.

The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.

A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.

Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"


_________________________________________
-

---

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

_________________________________________
-

---

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

_________________________________________
-

---

whos the daddy

---

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.

These are genuine excerpts from the forms:


01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was fathered
by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but
I believe that he was conceived on the same night.


02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide
you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.


03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue , where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that
I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.


04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.


05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate.


06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad, as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.


07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.


08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?


09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .


10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd
have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

_________________________________________
-

---

Five Degrees of a Hangover

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well.
However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity
pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a woman walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life
would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy
reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a
diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the
ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper
cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your
ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during
the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners
of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of
the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your
tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the
stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a
dump results in a fire-hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash
the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke .
6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass


Not all those who wander are lost.

rocky25

Niccccccccccccceeeeeeeeeeeee

NTC

very very good.

megadodge

Excellent

RoHunter

Brilliant

xzanti

Did you steal those from Lolocaust?? You did didn't you?... Didn't you?

Steve_o

LOL:D Brilliant!!