The sh1t list...

Turd Ferguson · 16-07-2008 8:14pm #1

The Sh1t List

· The "Ghost" sh1t-The kind where you feel the sh1t come out, see sh1t on the paper, but there's no sh1t in the bowl.

· The "Clean" sh1t-The kind where you feel the sh1t come out, see sh1t in the bowl, but there's no sh1t on the paper.

· The "Wet" sh1t-You wipe your hole fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

· The "Second Wave" sh1t-This sh1t usually happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to sh1t some more.

· The "Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose" sh1t-You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

· The "Corn Cob" sh1t-No more explanation necessary

· The "Chocolate Log" sh1t-The kind of sh1t that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

· The "Notorious Drinker" sh1t-The kind of sh1t you have the morning-after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

· The "Gee, I Really Wish I Could" sh1t-The kind where you want to sh1t but, even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped and farting. (very frustrating if you're using a pay toilet.)

· The "Power Dump" sh1t-The kind that comes out so fast that you barely get your pants down when you're done.

· The "Liquid Plumber" sh1t-This kind of sh1t is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the "Chocolate Log" sh1t.)

· The "Spinal Tap" sh1t-The kind of sh1t that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

· The "I Think I'm Giving Birth Through My Asshole" sh1t-Similar to the "Chocolate Log" and "Spinal Tap" sh1ts. The shape and size of the turd resembles a beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterward.

· The "Porridge" sh1t-The type of sh1t that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your hole while you sit there helpless.

· The "I Think I'm Turning into a Bunny" sh1t-When you drop lots of little round turds that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

· The "I'm Going to Chew my Food Better" sh1t-When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates your insides on the way out.

· The "What the Hell Died in Here" sh1t-Also sometimes referred to as the "Toxic Dump". Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

· The "I Just Know There's a Crap Still Hanging There" sh1t-Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe it now, it's going to smear all over the place.

· The "Fire In the Bowl" sh1t-The kind of sh1t that singes the hair around your hole from the big feed of Chinese food the night before.

Stephen · 16-07-2008 10:15pm

Toilet humour is the BEST humour

Havermeyer · 17-07-2008 12:54am

Another one...

The "Canon ball" shít-The kind of shít that feels like a big turd is about to exit your A-hole; but instead a rather small circular turd is shot at great pace into the bowl, due to all the compressed gas building up behind the small turd, resulting in a wet arsé due to splashback.

Gary ITR · 17-07-2008 1:06am

nummnutts wrote: »

Another one...

The "Canon ball" shít-The kind of shít that feels like a big turd is about to exit your A-hole; but instead a rather small circular turd is shot at great pace into the bowl, due to all the compressed gas building up behind the small turd, resulting in a wet arsé due to splashback.

Just experienced this one in the last few minutes

Cool_CM · 17-07-2008 2:27am

Haha, we came up with rugby terminology ones for the world cup, one of the lads wrote it all down, I'll find it and post it, German food means that I have been playing a lot of "champagne rugby" recently!:D