Horrible housemate, what should i do?

Hobart

syklops wrote: »

Are their no householders/leaseholders on here who will back me up on this?

I have a house. I also have some friends who let some houses out. I agree that (obviously) 2-3 people will create more wear and tear than 1 person. My, you must be joking comment, was in relation to the fact that you believe that the OP's flatmate has an issue with the wear and tear that is being caused by the Bf staying over.

Secondly, and I'm repeating myself here, the OP has stated that the flatmate has friend over that use the common areas. If "wear and tear" were an issue, well then the flatmate should practice what she preaches, and meet her friends outside of the house/apartment.

Dont get me wrong, the OP's flat mate has no excuse for her ridiculous and childish behaviour, I am just saying the boyfriend issue might be exacerbating things a little.

How is it exacerbating things? What is the issue that a lot of people seem to have with the OP having her BF over. Why is 3-4 nights a week too much? Why would people heav an issue with it?

LegacyUser

I had that problem once.
The girls ( I was sharing the house together with ) moved in their b/fs
for several nights of the week.

It was very annoying. The b/fs were using the house facilities - taking up
the bathroom, hot water, electricity, food, even the house phone (!!!) etc. ;
and not making any financial contribution. The girls didn't see anything wrong
with this !!!

On top of that, when they were making the 'rumpy-pumpy', I was left there
in my bedroom, in the dark - listening to jiggy and holding my big-whopper
in my hands !!!

Yeah ! Sure. It can be that her head is melting because she hasn't got a
b/f herself to help her flick her bean. But - neither did she agree or
expect to have to share the house with additional people.
It can be ( shall we say ) 3 is company - but 4 is a crowd.

I think you need to respect your housemate a little bit more and
take yourself, your b/f and jiggy some where else.

homerjay2005

from the sounds of it, as a neutral observer, the OP seems to be genuine and is doing her best. she is perfectly entitled to having her boyfriend over as he seems to be keeping away from the others. ignore the b*tch, give her the silent treatment and get on with your life, dont move out.

i have a horrible housemate (see said thread in AH a few months back),who is single and just an absolute horrible person. certain people like these have no concept of reality and just think that houses are places that they can rule and do whatever they want. i dont spend that much time in the house, but when im there, i avoid her like the plague, so i actually spend more time in the bedroom than the living room.

as regards comments that 3-4 nights a week is too much, i have spent this and more in houses with my girlfriend and not once was there trouble. infact, one time they asked me to move in and in another house, the evenings that i didnt call over, her housemates were constantly asking where i was. she is just jealous, this girl needs a grasp of reality. if she was in a relationship, she would soon change her act.

Fysh

I think that the back-and-forth in this thread serves to perfectly prove the point that some people wouldn't have a problem with a flatmate having their partner over regularly, and others would.

The key thing being that whether or not one person in a house thinks it's fair, that's irrelevant if another person in the house disagrees. It's one of those things about sharing a house. Let's face it, people here can back and forth as much as they like as to whether it's fair or not, but saying "well the internet reckons you're wrong" is going to be no use at all to the OP. This is not going to be resolved in a huge cathartic row whereby some independent adjudicator turns up and says "Person A is right and Person B" is wrong, and anyone suggesting otherwise is either very naive or has not lived long-term in a houseshare before. Compromise is the only way this'll be worked out, if it gets worked out at all (which I personally doubt).

My suggestion to the OP is, if you're at loggerheads with your flatmate over this, move out and get a place with your boyfriend - whether it's a flat of your own or a room that's specifically advertised as couple-friendly is up to ye. You can't demand that someone accept how often you have guests over - some people are comfortable with it, some aren't. Them's the breaks when you share a house.

Hobart

Fysh wrote: »

I think that the back-and-forth in this thread serves to perfectly prove the point that some people wouldn't have a problem with a flatmate having their partner over regularly, and others would.

The key thing being that whether or not one person in a house thinks it's fair, that's irrelevant if another person in the house disagrees. It's one of those things about sharing a house. Let's face it, people here can back and forth as much as they like as to whether it's fair or not, but saying "well the internet reckons you're wrong" is going to be no use at all to the OP. This is not going to be resolved in a huge cathartic row whereby some independent adjudicator turns up and says "Person A is right and Person B" is wrong, and anyone suggesting otherwise is either very naive or has not lived long-term in a houseshare before. Compromise is the only way this'll be worked out, if it gets worked out at all (which I personally doubt).

My suggestion to the OP is, if you're at loggerheads with your flatmate over this, move out and get a place with your boyfriend - whether it's a flat of your own or a room that's specifically advertised as couple-friendly is up to ye. You can't demand that someone accept how often you have guests over - some people are comfortable with it, some aren't. Them's the breaks when you share a house.

I agree 100%. But I still don't get why the majority of people have an issue with somebody having their BF/GF over in their room on a very regular basis. The "3 nights is too much" type posts make zero sense tbh.

WilmaRidesAgain

<<Also, she keeps saying she wants a boyfriend. You disappearing off to your room when your boyfriend arrives would make me very annoyed in a same situation.>>

Well thats not something you should be admitting to or proud of, its one thing feeling jealousy but its quite another feeling justified in it. Shes not.

<<I don't know what your insinuating but I do not like it. >>


I am not insinuating anything, I am saying it directly; the OP's flatmate has no right to be acting aggressively and unfairly twords the OP based on her own unjustified jealousy. She should be ashamed of herself.

It is none of the flatmates business what if OP goes to her room straight away with her BF and ignores anyone else in the house. What harm is she doing to anyone, the fella doesnt even use the shower FFS.

I've rented out my house and also shared with a housemate who brought his GF over, whatever they did within reason was fine by me, what the feck do I care if my housemate goes to his room with his GF, its no skin off my nose, good luck to them I say!

In this case the OP has bent over backwards to try to facilitiate this spoilt little madam and got no thanks for it. OP's flatmate is bang out of order.

But as I already said I think OP should move on and get away from the loony tune as she seems to be spreading her poison throughout their workplace now.

There is no point trying to reason with these types.

Fysh

Hobart wrote: »

I agree 100%. But I still don't get why the majority of people have an issue with somebody having their BF/GF over in their room on a very regular basis. The "3 nights is too much" type posts make zero sense tbh.

I've been on both sides and it's a bit difficult to explain. Whether or not it's intended that way, it can be perceived as rude if someone in a houseshare spends most or all of their time shacked up in their room away from the other tenants. It can lead to a shared house feeling more like a hotel, almost; some people don't mind that, others do.

Certainly in my own experience I've found it preferable to share with people who are comfortable being social with the rest of the house. While getting on well with the other tenants isn't a clause in the contract you sign, it does make the difference between a house and a home. It's just one of those things where different folks have different mileages, I think.

homerjay2005

i think the OP should just ignore her for a few weeks and say nothing. she is trying too hard id say to sort it. just get on with your life and ignore her. it will drive her mad and it will sort it one way or another i.e. she realises she is being selfish or she moves out.

OP, under no circumstances should move out. dont get stressed over this, theres more important things to worry bout and your boyfriend may start to feel uncomfortable.

MJOR

I own my house and rent out a room and no way would i think that her boyfriend is wear and tear on the house in all fairness that really is the nitty gritty to the extreme.

coco06

Does this not remind anyone of the film 'single white female'????
I share with a friend who has her boyf over a few times a week. I personally like to have someone else to talk to, the more the merrier...

Dont pass any heed to your jealous friend anymore. you are probably doing better than her at work and now in your personal life..

If she does not want to be reasonable then forget she is even there.. She is just jealous and needs to rely on getting her life in order and get some happiness into it!!! she will end up like Victor Meldrew if she doesnt...

BeardyGit

I shared a house with 3 other lads. One of them had his girlfriend over 3-4 nights a week to stay. They were both nice people, but it bugged the crap out of the rest of us to have her there so often. We tried having the discussion a few times and in the end up asked him to leave about it when he just wouldn't cop on. We shared a house, and we got on okay, but we weren't actually friends. From what you say, you've about the same kind of relationship/friendship, and you're expecting more than you have a right to, to be honest.

Personally, I think you're taking the pish out of your housemate, and I'm surprised she hasn't told you to move out yet.

elmyra

It might be an issue as well that it was an all-girl house before your boyfriend started staying over, OP. In my house, it's all girls and we thought we were signing up to being able to wander around in a towel for five minutes after a shower or wear our most wrecked nighties down to breakfast or happily leave underwear drying on the clothes horse but you can't really do that with a fella you barely know hanging around. It's not that you're into him or anything, it's just that it's easier to feel comfortable in your own home around people, and probably for most people ones of your own sex, that you know.

Hobart

Gil_Dub wrote: »

I shared a house with 3 other lads. One of them had his girlfriend over 3-4 nights a week to stay. They were both nice people, but it bugged the crap out of the rest of us to have her there so often. We tried having the discussion a few times and in the end up asked him to leave about it when he just wouldn't cop on. We shared a house, and we got on okay, but we weren't actually friends. From what you say, you've about the same kind of relationship/friendship, and you're expecting more than you have a right to, to be honest.

Personally, I think you're taking the pish out of your housemate, and I'm surprised she hasn't told you to move out yet.

I don't doubt that it did bug the crap out of you, but what exactly did bug you? What about this person having their GF over 3-4 nights a week caused you to ask them to leave? Would you see similarities in the way the OP has described her situation?

From what I can see, the Op has her BF over 3-4 times a week. The two of them spend as much time on their own as they need/want, and don't bother the other housemate(s). The other housemates have people over aswell, probably on such such a regular basis, but do. This does not seem to perturb the OP.

The OP pays her way and, as fara as I can tell, is not in breach of the leasing agreement. It's a non-issue AFAICS, thye fact that it *may* appear to be rude to the other people, while not ideal, has sfa got to do with the fact that she is paying her way in the place and can have over her BF 3-4 times a week, if she so wishes.

BeardyGit

Hobart wrote: »

...... but what exactly did bug you? What about this person having their GF over 3-4 nights a week caused you to ask them to leave? Would you see similarities in the way the OP has described her situation?......

Without wanting to detract from the OP's situation, I can imagine there would have been similarities. In my/our case, it was down to a few things. It was a 'lads house' in our case, so:

Bathroom hogging. Like it or not, it's no fun waiting for someone who doesn't pay the rent or share in the cleaning to get out so you can get down to business. A ten minute shower/shave turned into a 20 minute wait and increasing frustration each time it happened. Never mind finding there was no hot water left. And the OP saying her BF showers in work doesn't add up for me. Who would actually believe he washes 3-4 times a week in work instead of showering in her place? Come off it.

Kitchen messing. Last of the milk gone in the mornings, so black coffee again. That is, if she hadn't used the last of the coffee. Or the sugar, or whatever. She didn't even notice to be honest. Dishes/Pots/Pans used for their dinner and full of leftovers for the next day or whatever. Or the cooker/kitchen occupied for 90 minutes when you get gome from work and just want to shove a pizza in the oven and put your feet up on the coffee table. Instead, having to wait 'til the couple were done and buggered off, leaving the dishes behind while they went to watch a movie in their bedroom.

Heating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The OP pays her share, so what? Well, tell me she wouldn't turn the heating on for an extra hour here and there, or the immersion, or whatever, if her other half was cold/needed a shower/bath etc. We all would - so why believe she wouldn't? But it isn't fair on the others who pick up the tab. It's the principle that matters now, not the value of the utility consumed.

'Comfort'. I could wake up and walk downstairs in my jocks to iron a shirt/jeans/whatever, when only the lads were in the house. If I knew yer-wan was upstairs or floating around, that little comfort was out. Even for the sake of her comfort level, I'd dress first so I could go get the clothes I actually wanted. That's not right in your own home. I'd guess the girls would feel just as awkward in the OP's house, whether she likes it or not.

These are just some of the bug bears that worked away on me and the other two in our house.

Fysh

I don't think you're getting the point we're trying to make, Hobart - some people are comfortable with it, some people aren't. The OP saying she doesn't mind it the other way round is not the point - the point is that the other person in the flat doesn't like it, and when you're sharing you have to take that sort of thing into consideration or resign yourself to living in an unpleasant atmosphere. Don't like it? Don't share a house, or at least make sure that the people you're sharing with are of a similar mentality to yourself when sharing.

TEH REAL CDP

Some of the replies on this thread are spectacularly dumbfounding. If one keeps to himself, surely there is no problem.

I wonder how many of the people that are not supportive of the OP, are in a relationship? Just curious...

I have complete sympathy for the OP. I'd just move out and get a place with your bf to avoid conflict though. You won't be happy living with your housemate at all, and to be completely honest - it won't get better. I think you have to accept that this friendship is doomed to failure as you are both on completely different spectra of reasoning.

I completely agree with Hobart. If the OP pays her way and she and her guest do not take advantage of people in the house and the communal resources, then there should be no issue. You can be anal about anything if you have enough time to dwell on it. People will be bitching about the OP's boyfriend stealing their oxygen next. :rolleyes:

Grawns

Well I think the OP is bang out of order and I'm in a relationship. I also shared for a few years and managed to remain friends with some of the people I shared with. Not all mind you as some were just not my type of person but they were all grand to live with and none of them skulked around with their partners isolating me and themselves and other housemates. Turning our home into a wierd hostel vibe with lots of whispering and uncomfortable silences.

TEH REAL CDP As even you suggest she should move out and quit her moaning. Life is way too short.

Hollaballoo

I have been the third housemate in this situation... I was living with 2 other girls, one single one not, I was single at the time. I had no problem with the girl that was seeing someone having her boyfriend over, nor did I have a problem with the single girl having buddies over and sometimes they stayed with us for weeks...

The single girl, however had issues with the other girl's boyfriend staying over. The only reason we could come up with was jealousy, she was always on about how much she wanted a boyfriend etc. The boyfriend was never in the way, they were always up in her room, and they made a point of him not having a shower etc so that he didn't put us out at all. I think this was a reasonable compromise, after all we all lived there... When three people are sharing a house compromises have to be made, nobody is going to be completely happy at all times it's just the way it is with sharing houses.

The single girl was not willing to compromise, she caused an atmosphere in the house and at the end of the day, this was our home and even I wasn't happy to go home at the day even though I wasn't directly involved. We asked her to move out in the end.

I have been in pretty much the exact same living situation as you, I have been the neutral housemate and I think people are being very hard on you, you are trying your best whereas she just sounds unreasonable, what more does she expect you to do aside from not seeing your boyfriend? She sounds incredibly jealous to me.

If I was you I would stand your ground. It's not that simple to just move out, you have already said that you can't find anywhere else and perhaps you don't feel ready to live with your boyfriend, it is not just a simple solution to say "move out and you and your boyfriend get a place of your own"! When a new person moves in you should introduce her to your boyfriend and mention casually that he stays over a couple of nights a week, this is setting the standard straight away. Maybe it would be a good idea to spend a bit of time in the sitting room all together. Your new housemate will think ye are nice friendly people and your other housemate will look petty if she bitches behind your back. It also might piss her off enough to make her move out.

I know this thread is old but when I read it I felt sorry for the poster and wanted to share my thoughts, hopefully things have picked up for you and if not, I hope it makes you feel a bit better to know that another person agrees with you.

LegacyUser

as someone who has houseshared a lot over the years,we found that bf's were cool at the weekends but generally house mates liked to have the week days quiet and kept for the tennants paying rent there,and people liked a quiet working week in the house.

I had a boyfriend and always felt that the tennants paying rent should be respected as it was their home.

Op you sound like you and your boyfriend would love your own place together,why dont you move out while the changeover is taking place and live happily ever after,i think there will be more tension in the future if you dont.

It is one of those things though where you learn the hard way about house sharing,its hard enough living with family but balancing strangers and house dynamics can be challenging-i found in the end having my own place was the only way especially if your in a relationship.