Would you kick out a flatmate you don't get along with?

AARRRGH

Hello

I'd appreciate some opinions on this.

I rent a two bedroom apartment. I sublet out one of the rooms. This means I am covered by tenant law and the other occupant is covered by licensee law. In other words, I have the power to kick her out with "reasonable notice".

Anyway, the apartment is in Dublin city centre, in an absolute prime location, and the rent is quite cheap.

There is always a lot of interest in the apartment whenever I want to rent out the spare room.

Anyway, the last time I was renting out the room, I choose my current flatmate as I felt sorry for her. She was staying in a hotel and was desperate.

It turns out we don't really get along. She has some kind of social phobia (doesn't really leave her room) and has some issues with men. (To cut a long story short: her father abandoned her and now she thinks she might be a lesbian. She's defo a bit scared of men.)

As a person, I think she is a decent. But she creates a weird atmosphere in the apartment due to her staying locked in her room and not socialising or talking much.

Should I just tolerate this, or should I have a talk with her about maybe moving out?

I don't know what to do. What I do know is she is making me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

Any advice appreciated.

Cheers!

axer

dublindude wrote: »

Hello

I'd appreciate some opinions on this.

I rent a two bedroom apartment. I sublet out one of the rooms. This means I am covered by tenant law and the other occupant is covered by licensee law. In other words, I have the power to kick her out with "reasonable notice".

Anyway, the apartment is in Dublin city centre, in an absolute prime location, and the rent is quite cheap.

There is always a lot of interest in the apartment whenever I want to rent out the spare room.

Anyway, the last time I was renting out the room, I choose my current flatmate as I felt sorry for her. She was staying in a hotel and was desperate.

It turns out we don't really get along. She has some kind of social phobia (doesn't really leave her room) and has some issues with men. (To cut a long story short: her father abandoned her and now she thinks she might be a lesbian. She's defo a bit scared of men.)

As a person, I think she is a decent. But she creates a weird atmosphere in the apartment due to her staying locked in her room and not socialising or talking much.

Should I just tolerate this, or should I have a talk with her about maybe moving out?

I don't know what to do. What I do know is she is making me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

Any advice appreciated.

Cheers!

Are you looking for a friend or someone to rent a room? If you are uncomfortable then get rid of her since you have the power & choice.

AARRRGH

axer wrote: »

Are you looking for a friend or someone to rent a room? If you are uncomfortable then get rid of her since you have the power & choice.

Thanks for the reply.

"Friend" might be too strong a word. I guess I am looking to live with someone normal who doesn't create a weird atmosphere in the apartment.

Normally I'm super careful about who moves in (as I've lived with some incredible weirdos) but I stupidly went against my instincts and gave her the place out of compassion. So much for being nice!!

ntlbell

Are you going to keep thrown out people who want to stay in their rooms?

I'd be actually happy if i was renting and the flatmate stayed in the room

leave me with the place to myself

Chinafoot

Would you rather someone who hogs the TV, has friends over every evening and brings a different guy/girl home each weekend?

If she makes you uncomfortable then ask her to leave. There's no point in being miserable in your own home.

thieveslikeus

For your own happiness I think you should ask her to leave. Whilst your tenant is not obliged to become your best friend they should certainly not make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. I guess you never really know how its going to work out sharing with someone until after they move in.

How you broach the subject with her could be the difficult part. It sounds as though she's going through a difficult time at the minute so to avoid hurting her feelings it might be best to come up with a believable reason for asking her to move out. Maybe tell her that a family member is stuck and needs somewhere to live and you need the room.

AARRRGH

ntlbell wrote: »

Are you going to keep thrown out people who want to stay in their rooms?

I'd be actually happy if i was renting and the flatmate stayed in the room

leave me with the place to myself

It's more than hanging out in her room.

She doesn't really speak or get involved in the apartment whatsoever, i.e. it's like she doesn't exist.

This sounds great, but when you know it's based on some sort of social phobia it's just weird.

For example, she won't eat in the kitchen or sitting room. She only leaves her room to go to the toilet. She doesn't really wash dishes or do any sort of normal living stuff...

Again, because I know it's because she's kind of terrified of the world or me or whatever, it's a bit unsettling...

AARRRGH

Chinafoot wrote: »

Would you rather someone who hogs the TV, has friends over every evening and brings a different guy/girl home each weekend?

Obviously I don't want the extreme opposite...

AARRRGH

I've lived with her for a year btw.

She's been like this since day 1.

ntlbell

dublindude wrote: »

I've lived with her for a year btw.

She's been like this since day 1.

I think I might find it odd at the start but after dealing with it for a year I think i would have adjusted to it and I would be enjoying the benifits.

Does she clean her own dishes tho and clean up after herself?

AARRRGH

ntlbell wrote: »

I think I might find it odd at the start but after dealing with it for a year I think i would have adjusted to it and I would be enjoying the benifits.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn't.

I just know I could be living with someone normal, and that has me thinking do I need to tolerate/adjust to this.

ntlbell wrote: »

Does she clean her own dishes tho and clean up after herself?

Not really, although she doesn't really impact the apartment at all.

ntlbell

dublindude wrote: »

Not really, although she doesn't really impact the apartment at all.

I think you pretty much have the perfect flatmate tbh.

astrofool

Remember, nobody is normal, you're certainly not if your posts are anything to go by!

You'd also be renting into a renters market (which it wasn't a year ago), and face the risk of getting the extreme opposite.

Might be worth talking to her about it, if even to create a nicer atmosphere to the place.

Firetrap

If you're not happy with her, ask her to leave. I've shared places with people who I just didn't click with. I can see how living with someone who behaves like that could get to a person. I don't like the sound of that emotional baggage either - it's not your problem. It's important that your flat is a home while you live in it, not just a roof over your head. To have it as a home, it sounds like the girl should go.

Tell her your best friend/cousin is moving back from Australia or something and you want to rent the room to them.

stovelid

Get rid, Dublindude.

I lived with someone who acted in a similar way, years ago, and while the benefits (having the place to yourself) are great, the accumulated weirdness of living with someone who just hides away from you (especially in a small area) ends up being a strain.

She really sounds like she needs her own place.

Victor

"Kick out" sounds harsh. Ask her how she thinks things are going. Once you are ared with that, you'll better know how to end thigns if you have to.

Eurorunner

I think you should consider yourself lucky. In that, i'm assuming she pays rent without any hassle and is otherwise no hassle. Do you not think you have an obligation to see it through - if she hasn't shown any 'cruel intention', then if I was in your shoes, I would find it difficult to justify kicking her out.
Remember, you made the decision initially to offer her the room. Of course, license agreement means you can do as you wish but on a human level, don't you think you have some obligations.
So shes an introvert ...so what! Get comfy with it - when you do, you'll find that your getting a great deal. Or you could get what I had the last couple of weeks - a couple of folks thinking they can take over my very own living room minus moi! - you don't know how lucky you are!

kinaldo

If you kick her out send her my way. She'd be more than welcome to a room here...

AARRRGH

Guys, I wouldn't be posting here unless her behavior was odd.

She isn't simply a clean, quiet flatmate. She doesn't like being around people (especially males) and is in general fairly scared of the world.

You'd have to be a bit weird to enjoy being around someone like that!

I guess I believe life is short so I shouldn't have to tolerate living with someone who clearly isn't comfortable living here, and who makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

Is that so unreasonable?

Firetrap

Personally I don't find that unreasonable. Your home is your home and if she's making you feel uncomfortable, you're entitled to ask her to leave. Just make sure you've locked away all valuables first

the_syco

Firetrap wrote: »

It's important that your flat is a home while you live in it, not just a roof over your head.

Agreed, esp if you're working full time. You want to relax at home, not have something annoying you at the back of your head.

=-=

Also, dude, as a man living with a woman who seems to hate guys, I'd lock my door at night if I were in your shoes.

pow wow

Have you tried to talk to her about it? Have a chat with her and tell her you feel uncomfortable, you feel that she feels uncomfortable around you, and that if it can't be resolved it's better for both of you if she found somewhere/someone more suitable to her way of life.

I always kept myself to myself when I rented and I rarely saw my housemates, but when I did we got on like a house on fire. If she has problems interacting with others in general then it's unlikely to get better unless she's getting support/help from elsewhere.

I probably wouldn't kick her out myself, but then I don't have to live with her.

Babooshka

Interesting.

I am the kind of flatmate who spends lots of time in my room out of choice, but I just told my flatmate not to take it personally, I'm a loner. But it's not because I have a phobia of anyone, merely because I like my own company and moved in with someone purely for economic reasons and not to make friends as I have my own and go out with them. I don't see why it should get to you if she's the one going through her own sh*t.

Obviously most people's reasons for sharing with strangers are economical and not out of true desire to be with the other person but anyone you get in is going to have their own stuff going on. What if yer mate moved in and had something difficult happen to them and they were going through a hard time emotionally, would you ask them to leave because they were making you feel wierd? It sounds like you're needlessly taking her stuff on board when in fact she'd prefer to handle it alone whatever it is she's going through. You either ignore it or tell her to leave or you'll just end up hating going home.

tobiesheba

You've been living with her for a year and if it's always been like this and you're feeling uncomfortable give her notice. Nobody can accuse you of not giving her a chance.

Eurorunner

Sorry but so much for a more enlightened tolerant ireland...:rolleyes:

AARRRGH

Babooshka wrote: »

I don't see why it should get to you if she's the one going through her own sh*t.

It bothers me because I have to live with her.

If she was my neighbour I wouldn't give a ****, but I am forced to be around someone who is pretty much always at home and whose behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable.

I work in the IT industry, so I'm used to weirdos, but someone who won't speak and is terrified of the world is not a pleasant person to be around.

Should I have to be around a person like that? No I shouldn't.

The only reason I haven't kicked her out is because I don't want to hurt her feelings, but the reality is her weird behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable.

Babooshka wrote: »

Obviously most people's reasons for sharing with strangers are economical and not out of true desire to be with the other person but anyone you get in is going to have their own stuff going on. What if yer mate moved in and had something difficult happen to them and they were going through a hard time emotionally, would you ask them to leave because they were making you feel wierd?

Of course everyone has their own personality but my flatmates behaviour can hardly be called a normal part of someones personality. It's a phobia or some kind of mild mental illness.

Eurorunner wrote: »

Sorry but so much for a more enlightened tolerant ireland...:rolleyes:

If my post was "my flatmate is black so I want to kick her out" I would understand.

What exactly should I have to tolerate?

How am I unelightened?

Where do you draw a line?

Babooshka

dublindude wrote: »

It bothers me because I have to live with her.

If she was my neighbour I wouldn't give a ****, but I am forced to be around someone who is pretty much always at home and whose behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable.

I work in the IT industry, so I'm used to weirdos, but someone who won't speak and is terrified of the world is not a pleasant person to be around.

Should I have to be around a person like that? No I shouldn't.

The only reason I haven't kicked her out is because I don't want to hurt her feelings, but the reality is her weird behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable.



Of course everyone has their own personality but my flatmates behaviour can hardly be called a normal part of someones personality. It's a phobia or some kind of mild mental illness.



If my post was "my flatmate is black so I want to kick her out" I would understand.

What exactly should I have to tolerate?

How am I unelightened?

Where do you draw a line?

Dublindude are you sure the issues are not yours? You sound like you feel so sorry for yourself "putting" up with her and you "shouldn't" have to. Who forced you to have her live there for a year? Why do you feel everyone has to behave a certain way to classify them "normal"? If she staggered in pissed off her face covered in kebab sauce would that make ya happier? I just don't get why, you're not being specific, all you're saying is she makes you feel uncomfortable without actually saying what she does so I can't make sense of it.

Thing is, you don't have to, put up that is. But it sounds like you want her to behave a certain way (i.e. "normal", or what's acceptable to you) so that you'll feel ok. She's probably in need of counselling or help, which isn't your job because you live with her, and you're entitled to relax when you get home. I just don't get why you're getting involved (in your head that is) though. But I guess if it's soaking into your psyche like a sponge and bad vibing you, then yes...best thing would be to ask her to leave. I feel sorry for her in this situation though, as it sounds like she's going through a lot of pain. Not that it's your job to heal it, but as the other poster said...and this is what they meant by tolerate...if you just did your own thing and let her do hers, maybe?...

You sound like a social, extraverted person, who it does bother if the person they're sharing with is inhibited or "mad" as you imply so best thing would be to part ways, I'd say, for your own sake. there's no right or wrong in the situation, you just do what makes you happy. You feel as if you're being judged I think, I'm not doing that, just stating my opinion on the situation and what choices you have there. Either choose to be a little bit more compassionate (and tolerant as the other poster said) or confront it and change it. Good luck. Home should be comfortable for all there. Just sounds like the girl's going through a very bad time.

AARRRGH

Babooshka wrote: »

Dublindude are you sure the issues are not yours? You sound like you feel so sorry for yourself "putting" up with her and you "shouldn't" have to. Who forced you to have her live there for a year? Why do you feel everyone has to behave a certain way to classify them "normal"? If she staggered in pissed off her face covered in kebab sauce would that make ya happier? I just don't get why, you're not being specific, all you're saying is she makes you feel uncomfortable without actually saying what she does so I can't make sense of it.

OK, I'll explain again.

I've lived with her for a year. I let her move in as I felt sorry for her (she was staying in a hotel and told me she was desperate.)

She stays locked in her room.
She has never once socialised in the sitting room.
She doesn't really speak.
She nearly never leaves the apartment.
She doesn't get involved in the apartment (e.g. make any effort to make it look nice or do any hoovering or anything like that.)
She basically sticks to herself in the most extreme way possible.

I find it odd that you think I should take responsibility for her problems.

I understand you said you are similar to her, but it is unfair to force others to put up with your issues.

I think it would suit her better to live on her own.

She is, like you, a loner.

Babooshka wrote: »

Thing is, you don't have to. But it sounds like you want her to behave a certain way (i.e. "normal", or what's acceptable to you) so that you'll feel ok.

Yes, I would like her to be normal.

If you really think my explanation of her (see above) is normal, well then there is no point continuing this conversation.

Babooshka wrote: »

You sound like a social, extraverted person,

I'm normal.

I talk to people, socialise, and wouldn't expect people to tolerate me if I'm acting weird for a long time.

Babooshka wrote: »

Just sounds like the girl's going through a very bad time.

I've asked her a few times if she's ok. She's told me she's really happy.

I dunno.

I guess my question is should people have to tolerate flatmates who are weird and unsettling?

EDIT: Could this be a difference between nerds and non-nerds? For example, I understand there are social rules, whereas a lot of nerds don't understand this. Maybe...

Babooshka

dublindude wrote: »

OK, I'll explain again.

I've lived with her for a year. I let her move in as I felt sorry for her (she was staying in a hotel and told me she was desperate.)

She stays locked in her room.
She has never once socialised in the sitting room.
She doesn't really speak.
She nearly never leaves the apartment.
She doesn't get involved in the apartment (e.g. make any effort to make it look nice or do any hoovering or anything like that.)
She basically sticks to herself in the most extreme way possible.

Al fair enough, a bit "odd" for a mnority of people to handle.
You'll be telling me she doesn't watch "Home and away" next.


I find it odd that you think I should take responsibility for her problems.


Where did I say that? I said the exact extreme opposite.

I understand you said you are similar to her, but it is unfair to force others to put up with your issues.

Where did I say I was similar to someone I don't even know? I said I spend a lot of time in my room as I am a loner. I interact with my flatmate. Bully for me (do I win the "normal" badge from you now? Jeez I really hope so)


I think it would suit her better to live on her own.

I think it sould suit you better to live on your own until you mature and allow others to live how they want especially if it's in their own room.


She is, like you, a loner.

I think I'd rather be alone than look for a bit of toleration (note I did not say sympathy, understanding, or converstionn, just the simple permission to breathe my own air) from someone with your attitude.

Yes, I would like her to be normal.

I think there's a 24 hour "normal" shop next door to the Spar there... WTF?

If you really think my explanation of her (see above) is normal, well then there is no point continuing this conversation.

Dead right I'll concur with you on that one.

I'm normal.


Phew, thanks for that have you got the certificate?


I talk to people, socialise, and wouldn't expect people to tolerate me if I'm acting weird for a long time.

Clap clap applause, good sane boy, now....

I've asked her a few times if she's ok. She's told me she's really happy.

It's your true friendship and understanding which makes her so.

I dunno.


I know.


I guess my question is should people have to tolerate flatmates who are weird and unsettling?

Like you....probably not. Grow up. You're incrediby judgemental.

AARRRGH

Babooshka wrote: »

Like you....probably not. Grow up. You're incrediby judgemental.

I've shared with people for 12 years.

I've lived with all sorts of people.

I'll tolerate all kinds of things, but I expect flatmates to obey basic social rules.

I understand you can relate to my flatmate (you said so yourself) but I think it is very unfair to expect other people to tolerate your problems.

People should make an effort to be normal when they live with people.

I do not think that is unreasonable.

Eurorunner

dublindude wrote: »

If my post was "my flatmate is black so I want to kick her out" I would understand.
What exactly should I have to tolerate?
How am I unelightened?
Where do you draw a line?

Its not a question of tolerance on the basis of colour or race - but tolerance with regard to what is considered 'normal'.
There is no such thing as normal! If there is, tell me what the criteria are? Your coming up with this on the basis of what you consider normal based on your experiences and peers. Sorry, but who the hell are you to dictate how anyone should live their life! Having shared houses in two other european countries over a number of years, I can tell you that the Irish idea of 'normal' isn't very broad in its outlook.
How about you work with a different set of criteria. Ask yourself these questions - Has she caused me any ill-intent? Are there any issues with regard to paying rent/bills/keeping place clean, etc.
I think your decision should be based on those two questions.
Couple of other things to bear in mind...
1. Maybe she keeps to herself because she senses that there isn't a chance in hell the two of you would get on?
2. If she does have some personal problems, place yourself in the same position and how does it look from that perspective? (I'd imagine you don't consider yourself ever being in that situation but theres nobody that couldn't end up with 'issues'...unless of course your already a psychopath yourself )