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Would you kick out a flatmate you don't get along with?

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    #32
    Babooshka
    Registered Users Posts: 1,142 ✭✭✭Babooshka


    dublindude wrote: »
    OK, I'll explain again.



    EDIT: Could this be a difference between nerds and non-nerds? For example, I understand there are social rules, whereas a lot of nerds don't understand this. Maybe...


    Oh My God. Goodbye. I have just wasted fifteen minutes of my life interacting with this. I'm gong back to reading books.

    Nerdy enough for you? Goodbye.


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    #33
    AARRRGH
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,382 ✭✭✭✭AARRRGH


    Eurorunner wrote: »
    Its not a question of tolerance on the basis of colour or race - but tolerance with regard to what is considered 'normal'.
    There is no such thing as normal! If there is, tell me what the criteria are? Your coming up with this on the basis of what you consider normal based on your experiences and peers. Sorry, but who the hell are you to dictate how anyone should live their life! Having shared houses in two other european countries over a number of years, I can tell you that the Irish idea of 'normal' isn't very broad in its outlook.
    How about you work with a different set of criteria. Ask yourself these questions - Has she caused me any ill-intent? Are there any issues with regard to paying rent/bills/keeping place clean, etc.

    I think your decision should be based on those two questions - and nothing else.

    Normal is obeying basic social rules.


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    #34
    AARRRGH
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,382 ✭✭✭✭AARRRGH


    Babooshka wrote: »
    Oh My God. Goodbye. I have just wasted fifteen minutes of my life interacting with this. I'm gong back to reading books.

    Nerdy enough for you? Goodbye.

    I can see you've taken this very personally.

    As you said yourself, you are a loner who stays in his room and doesn't talk to his flatmates.

    I'm sorry, but I do not consider this acceptable behavior when you live with people.

    Flatmates have to share common living space, so they should make some effort to be easy to get along with, pleasant, friendly, etc.

    I understand you do not feel this is the case, but I would have thought it was reasonable to expect some sort of normal behaviour from flatmates.

    You're taking it personally, that's fine, but please stop with the personal attacks.

    Btw, I read a lot of books, and work within computer science. As stated in a previous post, I am tolerant of nerds and weirdos but when living with people I expect some basic social rules to be followed.


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    #35
    Iago
    Registered Users Posts: 6,638 ✭✭✭Iago


    Do you have the right to kick her out? Absolutely

    Should you kick her out if she's getting under your skin that much? Without a doubt

    Do I think your reaction is "normal"? Not in a million years


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    #36
    tobiesheba
    Closed Accounts Posts: 104 ✭✭tobiesheba


    Just to be clear I think you can ask her to leave as she is making you uncomfortable but on the other hand if someone rents a room from you they're under no obligation to do things with you. It is nicer though if you're living with someone whom you can interact with, next time I'd try and ensure that this is possible.


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    #37
    Eurorunner
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,393 ✭✭✭Eurorunner


    dublindude wrote:
    Normal is obeying basic social rules.
    :rolleyes:
    Babooshka wrote: »
    Oh My God. Goodbye. I have just wasted fifteen minutes of my life interacting with this. I'm gong back to reading books.

    Nerdy enough for you? Goodbye.
    Think I'll bail out at this point as well. This is the only consensus I'll find in this thread.


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    #38
    AARRRGH
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,382 ✭✭✭✭AARRRGH


    Iago wrote: »
    Do you have the right to kick her out? Absolutely

    Should you kick her out if she's getting under your skin that much? Without a doubt

    Do I think your reaction is "normal"? Not in a million years

    Ah if you lived with her you'd see what I mean.

    I'm not posting about it for fun or making it up.

    I've lived with all sorts of people for 12 years, some of them major freaks, but I've always tolerated them...
    tobiesheba wrote: »
    if someone rents a room from you they're under no obligation to do things with you.

    I agree completely. I'm not expecting to go out drinking with her or anything. I just want the basics, i.e. leaves her room every now and then, isn't terrified, does some cleaning, etc.


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    #39
    AARRRGH
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,382 ✭✭✭✭AARRRGH


    Btw just so I understand correctly, are people saying it is unreasonable of me to expect to have a flatmate who talks to me or has basic social skills?


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    #40
    MIN2511
    Registered Users Posts: 5,398 ✭✭✭MIN2511


    Right my 2c

    If you want to house share there are basic social rules you should adhere to...

    No need to be best mates, or even socialise with the house mates, it's all about courtesy.

    Eg: I lived with mates for 2 years. I am a loner and enjoy my own company, i moved out because i needed my own space.
    I am back sharing after 4yrs of living alone with a friend of mine and it is hard to come back home and make "conversation" but we have to do it!

    It's brilliant sharing but i know at the end of the day i would move back to living by myself.

    My point is, if you can't make conversation/ be friendly with your house mates then you shouldn't live with them!


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    #41
    oscas
    Registered Users Posts: 34 ✭oscas


    It's not an easy call dublindude, obviously she's got issues, don't we all.

    Absent parents and confusion with sexuality make for difficult times. And if she's withdrawing from life in the way that you describe it can be difficult to watch. But she obviously trusts you enough to confide in you and it's possible you could try and talk with her about it a bit more. But it's not necessarily you job, so you really have to ask yourself how involved you want to be. Living with people will always be a challenge, especially if it's just one other, imo, it can compound even slightest things. For myself in the past, after a year living with the same person I would always wonder if it was time for a change.

    I suppose you have to ask yourself what kind of flatmate you want, some people prefer the absent kind, others want a friend. There are drawbacks with each. Either way, don't feel obliged to keep her on if it's impacting on your own comfort too much, but just how much too much is, well that's up to you.

    She might be ready to speak to someone, you can get a list of therapists in the area from here

    http://www.iahip.com/

    or she might be ready to speak to other girls her age (or even hook up!)

    www.gaydargirls.com

    Good luck!


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    #42
    cronos
    Registered Users Posts: 2,719 ✭✭✭cronos


    I would let her go but I would phrase it in a way that says ur doing it because u have a friend that u want to have move in. Or that u have a girlfriend that u want to have move in with u.

    Otherwise u risk freaking her out even more and she will never leave the house again.


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    #43
    the_syco
    Registered Users Posts: 37,299 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    Dude, get her the f**k out. F**k the people on the thread telling you to give her a chance... why should you? Are you a blood relative? Do you owe her anything? No? Then google some excuse, and tell her to GTFO.

    At least an axe murderer would make conversation.


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    #44
    sickpuppy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 955 ✭✭✭sickpuppy


    Dublin dude get her out for your sanity.
    I lived with a french girl before was ok at the start but messy.
    A couple of arguments later she never left her room only cooked when she thought the three other people were out.
    and completely ignored us,
    we were on the verge of asking her to leave for many of the reasons that you want this girl out.
    Y ou have to think of yourself in this case get someone you can have a cup of tea and some small talk with after a days work.
    Reading this thread im shocked to see so many posters are loners who are unable to interact socially
    i was sure boards was full of cool people goodluck


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    #45
    subway
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,131 ✭✭✭subway


    hmm, some people like to be alone.
    some people like to be with company.

    its grand for the poepl who like to be alone, they can always hide out in their room,
    but not so for those that enjoy social company as they are left on their own.

    if your not happy in your home i would suggest to do whatever is within your rights to make you feel happy.

    im sure you can see my advice a mile off, but its very simple, give her notice to leave.
    make up a lie if you dont want to hurt her feelings, but dont feel like you have to.
    ignore the advice that you have some sort of responsiblity to this person, you dont.
    if you feel she is in danger then you do have a moral obligation not to put her in more danger, but to me this is not the case. you simply dont get on adn so its time to to move on


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    #46
    MIN2511
    Registered Users Posts: 5,398 ✭✭✭MIN2511


    dublindude wrote: »
    Guys, I wouldn't be posting here unless her behavior was odd.

    She isn't simply a clean, quiet flatmate. She doesn't like being around people (especially males) and is in general fairly scared of the world.

    You'd have to be a bit weird to enjoy being around someone like that!

    I guess I believe life is short so I shouldn't have to tolerate living with someone who clearly isn't comfortable living here, and who makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

    Is that so unreasonable?

    Dude are things that bad now????

    She the same girl(that made the sheperd's pie i ate:D).... she's weird alright, she really is. She never comes out of her room and when she does it's like she's sneaking around.... Not a good one!
    I think she really needs to make an effort


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    #47
    AARRRGH
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,382 ✭✭✭✭AARRRGH


    MIN2511 wrote: »
    She the same girl(that made the sheperd's pie i ate:D).... she's weird alright, she really is.

    Yep, same girl. :pac:

    Right, I'm going to think about what I need to do, and try to have a talk with her.

    Thanks for all the replies, even the people who think she's in the right.

    Cheers.


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    #48
    MIN2511
    Registered Users Posts: 5,398 ✭✭✭MIN2511


    dublindude wrote: »
    Yep, same girl. :pac:

    Right, I'm going to think about what I need to do, and try to have a talk with her.

    Thanks for all the replies, even the people who think she's in the right.

    Cheers.

    Just be honest with her dude... No need to beat about the bush or lie... Things aren't working out and you would prefer it if she moved out....


    She might hate you after but at least you are honest with her.


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    #49
    Happy Monday
    Registered Users Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭Happy Monday


    I hope she's not reading these posts and puts 2 and 2 together!! :eek:


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    #50
    AARRRGH
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,382 ✭✭✭✭AARRRGH


    Happy Monday wrote: »
    I hope she's not reading these posts and puts 2 and 2 together!! :eek:

    Nope, she doesn't know about this website.


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    #51
    SuzyBoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭SuzyBoo


    Where was she staying before she ended up in the hotel from where you rescued her? Does she have any family who visit? The hotel scenario sounds like she stayed in previous place until very last minute and then just had to go somewhere. Have feeling that if you ask her to move on she won't have the social skills to go flat hunting on her own initiative and that you'll still have her hibernating in her room but with an even worse atmosphere!


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    #52
    AARRRGH
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,382 ✭✭✭✭AARRRGH


    Right, an update on this.

    I'm going to have to kick her out.

    This is an example of the average day: I will come home from work and I will see she's home because she will have cooked something for herself and left a mess in the kitchen. She'll be locked in her room. If I am lucky she will come out once because she has to go to the toilet. She practically sprints in and out of her room.

    She never does any housework whatsoever, and it would be fair to say she is now some sort of recluse. She doesn't appear to have any friends or any sort of life whatsoever.

    I tried talking to her about the flat, but she said everything is fine and quickly ran into her room. I decided it was time for her to go, so to spare her feelings, I told her the rent is going up dramatically. Of course, she is willing to pay the very high rent and stay locked in her room.

    The atmosphere in the apartment is so weird now. She has to go. She's a freak, and I am tired of giving her chance after chance. She doesn't like humans or the world, and really should be living on her own.

    As she's already quite delicate, I don't want to upset her by being honest with her (I would be worried what it might to do her) so I am thinking of using the "my brother is moving in" line.

    Can you think of a better reason I can give her?

    Btw, I have brought friends to the apartment for dinner or whatever, and every single one of them agrees her behaviour is really odd. Honestly, she's not just quiet - she's weird!

    Thanks for reading.

    PS Please don't take this personally if I have just described you. I happen to think people who live together are required to make some sort of effort to be friendly and pull their weight when it comes to housework. They shouldn't stay locked in their room like some sort of recluse.


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    #53
    MIN2511
    Registered Users Posts: 5,398 ✭✭✭MIN2511


    Your reason is perfectly okay

    You should be honest with her and tell her the reason why its not working, i don't think she knows. And it could help her future relationships.....
    She would be upset and disappointed but thats life for you

    All the best!


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    #54
    MysticalSoul
    Registered Users Posts: 1,266 ✭✭✭MysticalSoul


    The first thing that comes to mind after reading this, is that if she has been like this from day one, and been there a year, how come you haven't said anything to her before? I think you owe it to her to be honest, and stop trying not to upset her. You have no way of knowing how she will take it, and if she is upset, that is not your responsibility.

    I would say be honest to her, and seeing, based on what you have said here, you have never given her any inkling that there was any problem, I would give her a chance. Tell her how you find the current situation uncomfortable, and are not sure if it is working out - do give her a chance, following talking to her though. To be honest, open communication is a must when sharing with people. You say, you keep giving her chances, but from what you have said here, it doesn't seem that she was aware of this.

    It sounds like, if she has a social phobia, that she needs some sort of therapy, assuming she is not already.


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    #55
    radioactiveman
    Closed Accounts Posts: 324 ✭✭radioactiveman


    hmmm I've lived with a few trouble flatmates in my time and I can see how some people might see asking her to leave as being really unfair on the girl..

    the thing is though you cannot just see the situation with your 'rational' hat on i.e. if your flatmate puts you out and you're not getting along with them your non-rational/emotional mind will keep at you until you do something about it. I had a flatmate last year (and he was a proper cnut) but on paper you could argue that he was paying rent and that there was no logical reason or justification to ask him to leave - I did ask him to leave though and never regretted it.


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    #56
    SerialComplaint
    Registered Users Posts: 2,644 ✭✭✭SerialComplaint


    AARRRGH wrote: »
    Nope, she doesn't know about this website.

    How do you know?


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    #57
    eth0_
    Registered Users Posts: 10,846 ✭✭✭✭eth0_


    irishamethyst wrote: »
    The first thing that comes to mind after reading this, is that if she has been like this from day one, and been there a year, how come you haven't said anything to her before?

    At least read the entire thread before commenting. He *HAS* broached the subject with her.
    irishamethyst wrote: »
    I would say be honest to her, and seeing, based on what you have said here, you have never given her any inkling that there was any problem, I would give her a chance.

    Why should he? She's had a year, she should know herself (even with a social phobia) that her behaviour is not normal. She should never have moved into a house-share. The OP is not her friend and this girl has certainly never extended the hand of friendship to the OP. On this basis the OP owes her nothing.
    irishamethyst wrote: »
    It sounds like, if she has a social phobia, that she needs some sort of therapy, assuming she is not already.

    Again, not the OP's responsibility. She has way too many issues and a non-friend/family member is under no obligation to help her. She's practically a stranger to the OP by the sounds of it.

    I wouldn't feel in the least bit bad about telling this girl to leave. The fact she has never done any housework nor does she clean her dishes are enough on their own to ask someone to leave. Does she have a fear of dish washers and hoovers also? :rolleyes:


    OP - as a matter of interest, does she have a job? Do her family ever visit or call her?


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    #58
    Eurorunner
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,393 ✭✭✭Eurorunner


    Go with telling her your brother is moving in - but seeing as you've waited this long, give her a good long lead time - so that she can find another place. I know that eth0_ said she shouldnt be in a house-share but a lot of the time, thats all thats affordable to most people - so she may not have much in the way of choice. Take as empathetic an approach as you can, get it sorted and move on..


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    #59
    MIN2511
    Registered Users Posts: 5,398 ✭✭✭MIN2511


    SerialComplaint wrote: »
    How do you know?
    It would be nice if she does, i don't think she uses the internet anyways...

    But if she knows about this website &/ thread she would confront him or change her behaviour


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    #60
    MysticalSoul
    Registered Users Posts: 1,266 ✭✭✭MysticalSoul


    eth0_ wrote: »
    At least read the entire thread before commenting. He *HAS* broached the subject with her.

    I did read the entire thread, and have seen no instance of where the OP has broached the subject.

    OP: You do need to say something, as from what you have said here, because you have been afraid of hurting her feelings, you have held back, and one way or the other (as you say yourself) something needs to change.


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    #61
    amdublin
    Registered Users Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    In answer to your original question. Yes, I think you should ask this girl to leave - it is obvious you are not happy with how living in the same apartment is working out. And I can understand why tbh!

    As to what is defined as "normal". God knows!!!! I suppose we all have different parameters as to what is normal or not. No need to put a label on this girl, just ask her to move out.

    I would go with the "brother moving in" line. Easier for you to deliver and easier for her to hear. I think you'd be hurting her by telling the truth and nothing would be gained by it.


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