custody

lor1

hi there, i'm new to this so if there's any hiccups i apologise in advance.

I've been seperated from my husband (the father of my 2 kids) for the last 3 months, i have a safety order against him due to threats of violence towards me. I have left the family home, as i didnt feel safe there and am now living back in my parents house with the 2 children.

I also had to take my husband to court to get adequate maintenance from him, as there were some weeks when he would give my E10 or E50 for their essentials. I was unhappy with this figure as I know he can earn in excess of E1500 per week, so he now must pay E150 each week until october, when he must prove all income. I'm on illness benefit at the moment, and am receiving E245 a week.

Anyway the reason I need advice is that for the last 2 weeks he has had no interest in the children. He takes the kids every Friday night, but for the last 2 his mother and sister have been minding them on the Saturday while he goes to work. I have no problem with them taking care of the kids, but it is my view that he should have the kids for that full day, as it's the only day that he has the kids. Am I right in thinking this? We have nothing set in stone regarding visitation, I basically wait for a text or phonecall from him to see when he wants to see the kids.

He was meant to take the kids last Wednesday night, I texted him at 12 noon to see if he was and he didn't reply until 10 that night to say he wasnt. That meant that I couldnt go far with the kids, on the off chance that he would be taking them for the night. He then took the kids overnight on the Friday. He didn't see the kids for a full week before that as he was doing a foxer.

Last night I found out that he flew out to Poland for the week. He did not make me aware that he was going away, and I'm raging over it, due to the fact that if anything happened to the kids (they're 4 and 18mths) or if they needed and emergency care or treatment I would not have been in a position to consent to anything due to the fact that his permission would be needed. I could also have taken the children away for a few days myself if I had known that he wouldn't be around.

He then texted me this morning asking how they are, to which I replied that they are fine, but he could have told me he was going away. He made it clear that he doesn't have to tell me anything, that it was my choice to leave him so I'll deal with the consequences. I replied to him that's it's the children's interest that I have in mind and that the arrangement that we have that he justs rings when he feels like it to collect them isn't working as the only person that it benefits is him. I told him that I will be seeing a solicitor regarding regularizing access, to which he replies that he will fight me tooth and nail if i stop him from seeing his kids when he wants.

I'm in an awful position now. Do I leave things roll on the way they are, in the process restricting myself and the kids in what we do, or do I go to a solicitor regarding regularizing access? I'd really appreciate any suggestions!

Ludo

lor1 wrote: »

Last night I found out that he flew out to Poland for the week. He did not make me aware that he was going away, and I'm raging over it, due to the fact that if anything happened to the kids (they're 4 and 18mths) or if they needed and emergency care or treatment I would not have been in a position to consent to anything due to the fact that his permission would be needed.

Quick question...is this actually true? Is the permission of BOTH parents required for an emergency medical procedure?

sweetheart

i know what your going through to some extent. even though i was not married to my childs father he rarely had access to him. my advice would be and i know its hard, but dont leave him see the kids for a few weeks, i know it will be hard for both you and the kids but in the long run it will be worth it. tell him he cant just walk demand to see them whenever it suits him. as for you going to a solicitor do regulate access then i dont think its worth it. i tried that before and i was told that a judge cant force a father to see his kids and to be honest would you really want to force them on him knowing hel take his frustration on you out on the kids. if you stop him seeing the kids for a few weeks and he is that interested in the kids, then he will take you to court for access. then depending on if both parties are agreeing to what the judge is offering, its set in stone that he has to take the kids those certain times. i hope im making sense of this for you as i know how annoying it is. think of it as reverse psychology..good luck

lor1

found out well ago that you actually don't, which is a relief. thanks ludo

Kildrought

Quick question...is this actually true? Is the permission of BOTH parents required for an emergency medical procedure

No. In fact if the child's life is in immediate danger appropriate action can be taken to protect the child's life; there is a (not unreasonable!) presumption that you would want to preserve your childs life and would give consent to the procedure were you present.

but dont leave him see the kids for a few weeks, i know it will be hard for both you and the kids but in the long run it will be worth it

This is very poor advice... the children have a right to see and be with both parents.

but it is my view that he should have the kids for that full day, as it's the only day that he has the kids

I wouldn't disagree with you there, however you can't, and you don't have the right to, control another persons actions. You can't force him to be a good parent if he chooses not to be.

In regards to access arrangements; have a meeting, write down what you can agree between you for now (days and times) and each have a copy. If he doesn't arrive within 15 mins of the agreed time (and hasn't contacted you); don't say a word just take the kids off swimming or to the park or whatever.

Don't get stuck in to tit-for-tat text messaging or any other arguments - otherwise you are just continuing with all the messy arguments you had when you were married.

Two things you need to consider now. One is to see if he will agree to mediation - you need to get a number of things sorted out in regards to settlement issues and you'll save a lot of time and heartache if you can do this in mediation rather than through solicitors.

The other thing is to consider is if you can move back into the family home - by leaving the family home you have placed yourself in a weaker position in regards to settlement.

madser

I don't think its fair on the kids to stop him from seeing them, when he makes plans to have them tell him to confirm either the night before or early in the day and tell him if he doesn't then you may not be there when he calls as you will have made your own arrangements.

Its really not up to you to deny him because you found out he went away and your pissed off about it, letting down the kids is your business so make him confirm and then you shouldn't have a problem.

If he continually lets them down with no call or contact then you can go down the road or not letting him see them:)

lor1

Well i haven't heard any more for himself, I'll be waiting to see if he wants to see the kids over the weekend. I've been to a solicitor for advice regarding access and he's sent a letter to my "husbands" solicitor regarding certain days and times that would suit him to see the kids, which I in turn will have to agree to. If he fails to keep up these arrangements then we will have to get a court to arrange custody.

My kids welfare is the most important thing to me, and everything I'm doing is for them. the last few months have been unsettling for them and all I want is to have some stability for them in regards to having their father in their lives. The last thing I want is for them to feel unloved by him or that he doesn't care about them. But, as was said before, I can't force him to be a good father, so hopefully going down the road of regularizing access will be beneficial to us all at the end of the day.

Thanks for the suggestions.

bored and tired

lor1, i think you do need to go to a solicitor and get things finalised in court re access/custody.

it is not in the childs best interest for their father to collect them as and when he sees fit,

children need stability, and that includes knowing in advance that dad will collect them every wed so they can rely on it and learn to depend on him

when the 4year old starts school, you wil have homework, bags, lunches, school uniform, birthday partys, evening sports clubs, a set bedtime so he is not asleep in school the next day. you cant leave this man trapse through your life and take the kids when he feels like it not because it is an inconvenience to you, but because children need structure dependability routine and discipline. non of which they can be getting if your ex husband doesnt text till 10pm, that he cant take the children when the children should be tucked up in bed.

you need a firm arrangement, it doesnt mean stopping him seeing them, it doesnt mean seeing less of them, it just means for the children that dad is collecting us every wed and saturday and that is that.

You mentioned that maintenance is 150 a week court ordered< have you this going through the court clerks office, it makes things alot easier as there cant be a dispute over if he missed a week.

best of luck. i cant imagine it is easy,

Deliverance

That is a tough one Lor1, I think though from what you have said that you are doing all the right things and your priorities are good i.e. the kids come first. Your ex is behaving understandably eratic considering the early days of the break up, he is still showing signs of hurt and lashing out with threats of fighting tooth and nail.

It takes time to adjust to a relationship breakup at the best of times but it is incalculably harder when kids are involved, it sounds like his job is complicating things further as well. I think mediation is a good idea but from the sounds of it he may not go for that based on his proposed attitude at the moment.

It really does take time and patience for this type of situation to settle into something workable (I have been there myself), threats of solicitors and law really do not work early on as this could set a really bad precedent which you both do no need, and the kids certainly do not need to be party to that.

I would suggest trying to continuoslly explain your position to him, suggest routines for visitation acess etc between the two of you (something that suits you both to a degree initially), make sure you emphasize that it is between the two of you and no other legal party to gradually lessen the percieved threat and consequently his defensive reactions. From the sounds of it he should be able to put his priorities in order eventually as well workwise in a flexible way.

This could take time but from my experience this is par for the course unfortunatlly and even understandably for both parties. If it doesn't settle after several months and he continues to be awkward then go the legal route. Hope it goes ok for you.

lor1

Just to clarify, my "ex" is self employed and has men working for him so does not have set working hours and can basically come and go from work as he pleases as the wage will be ultimately there anyway at the end of the week. The reason he did not see the kids last week is because he was working himself on a private job in the evenings to pay for the holiday (his mother told me this when I rang her to confirm that he was away).

The maintenance is court ordered and he has to pay it through the system every Friday. This is due to the fact that he cannot be depended on to pay it into my bank account himself or give me a set amount of money into my hand on a regular basis.

Also the reason I broke up with my husband is because he was mentally and emotionally abusive towards me for the 5 years we were married and part of the 4 years before that, and was physically abusive towards others (he has been arrested once for this and there has been numerous other times when he wasn't caught). The main reason I left was because he physically attacked my younger brother and father when he was drunk. He has also had numerous affairs that I have since found out about. I have been tested for all the major STD's and am clear, and am waiting on the result of a swab taken last week. He has been living the life of a single man even since we were married, going out and not coming home etc. the only thing that's changed for him really is the fact that he does not have the power or control that he had over me before, except when it comes to the kids as he knows that I'd do anything for them.

However in the last 3 months since we separated I have not stopped him from seeing the kids once, as I don't want them caught up in the middle of things. I've tried to make some routine in him seeing the kids, but he doesn't stick to it. I've tried to keep a civil relationship with him as we will be a part of each others lives like it or not for the next 16 1/2 years until our youngest turns 18 and I don't want to go down the road of being at each others throats when we're dropping or collecting the kids as the only ones affected there would be the kids. I still take the kids to his mothers home and his sisters homes so that they, or the kids wont miss out.

So hopefully through solicitors we can sort something out that will be suitable for all involved.

madser

You have an awful lot going on there, it seems like access is the tip of the ice berg, if he has a history of violence then you should sort it all out in the courts, why did you stay with him so long if he treated you so bad and if he was living as a single man how come you have such young kids with him

lor1

It's much easier now to see what happened now that I'm out of the relationship. Basically he chipped away at my confidence over the 9 years, so that I thought that I wouldn't be able to have a life without him.

Whenever I did threaten to leave, he told me that he would get custody of the kids due to the fact that he has the "power" (meaning money etc.) He'd say things like who would want me a single mother with 2 kids? I've lost a lot of friends as he would put them down or didn't like them and made it known. Basically I didn't have a point of view and it was his way or no way, and he'd do what he wanted to regardless of me or the children.

I fell pregnant with my daughter when we were married 2 months, she was planned. Basically things changed when we got married and actually lived together (we were building a house and couldn't afford to do that and rent). When I told him I might be pregnant, his response was "who's is it" even though my life at that stage was work, home, housework, make dinner, do washing ironing etc. I have never cheated on my husband.

My son, who's 18 months was a "surprise", and a very good one at that, I don't regret either of my kids. Ultimately having 2 kids within 2 1/2 years made it easier for him to have more of a social life without me as when the kids are so small, I don't want to leave them with a babysitter every weekend, or wake up with a hangover and be in no humour for them. We were in a situation where things might be ok for a few months, then he'd do something like get arrested, stay out all night, wet the bed, come home covered in blood after being in a fight etc and it would all blow up again, I'd hear apologies and that things would change and it would be ok for a few months again - a vicious circle.

Every aspect of child rearing and the home were left to me, so basically he used to come in from work Monday to Friday, his dinner would be ready and he used to laze on the couch for the rest of the evening. The kids had to go to him if they wanted to play or have a cuddle, their was rarely a time when he would get down the ground with them and have a play around. On Friday night he would go out, coming home at all hours and staying in bed most of the Saturday, this would be repeated again on an Saturday night. If I said anything I was told that I wasn't contributing financially to the house and that he was entitled to go where he wanted to and when he wanted to, and it was more in my line to get a social life.

Oh my god it's so good to talk!!!!

madser

My god your well out of that one, by the sound of all that I wouldn't have anything to do with him only through solicitor:(

You should go back home and get rid of him out of there, the family house should be for the family not for the one who broke it up.

Feel free to vent if it makes you feel better;)

lor1

The reason I don't move back to the family home is that I'm about 30 mins away from my family, and some of his family live in this area. I did move back for a period of 3 days after we split up, but he was able to tell me who called to the house and that kind of thing. I simply don't feel safe there. We were only there for 10 months, after we built the house when we got married, we sold it and moved 3 more times. So it's been 4 houses in 4 years. 5 if you count when I moved out. So it wasn't as though me and the kids had put down "roots" as such.

He rang earlier to speak to my daughter, she spoke to him for about 30 seconds and then refused to say anymore. He accused me of "coaching" her, which couldn't be further from the truth. She's 4, and I really can't force her to talk to him if she simply doesn't want to. I just told him he can have the kids tomorrow at 5 until Sunday at 5 and hopefully he will have responded to his own solicitor by next week sometime in regards to getting something sorted with regularizing access.

Dfens

I agree with a lot of the previous posters - you need to get things agreed & written down. If I was you I would start a notebook detailing payments, visits aborted & other details, just in case things do turn nasty down the road.
Fair play on you for thinking that your ex-husband should still see his kids, they have a right to a father, hopefully he will decide for himself what an opportunity he's being granted.
Just a thought that struck me, is he still continuing with the emotional abuse by leaving you on teather hooks regarding his actions, making it difficult for you to move on with your life?