Accepting defeat

NewFrockTuesday

Im just looking for some opinions on this. Its a heavy duty question....I dont mean to upset or offend anyone.

At what point do you accept defeat and give up trying to have a child?

I think Im nearly there. I cant go through the one more try thing again and then go through the rollercoaster of waiting then yay! then crashing through miscarriage again. Ive had three miscarriages - and one full pregnancy with a stillborn (hate that word so much) son at the end of it. Im at the end of my tether. Im 33 and need to start looking at adoption sooner rather than later but that feels like an either or situation.

I know its up to the individual, but its not just me who suffers everytime. I cant stand the reproach that is never mentioned or the feeling of being a complete failure. I dont want ttc to take over my life - any more than it has - but I dont want to keep hoping that ill have a child when its becoming very obvious that I never will.

Is it better to accept your fertility fate or keep on fighting natures precedent? Im not asking whether or not I should, but interested to hear what different people decided and when. I want to knwo where I am in this journey, I feel a little lost. Im with a new partner now and I just think Ill tell him I dont want kids rather than go through the whole history of heartbreak to date.

Thanks for reading.x

silja

The answers to this will be very individual.
For me, when we are close to the start of ttcing, I thought I'd stop at taking a few drugs... then when it wasn't enough, I thought one round of IVF, and using up any snow babies from that- I think my husband was closer to giving up than me, seeing the incredible effect the whole thing and the drugs had on me. Fortunately, our third round of IUI worked and gave us the twins. We have now "given up" in that we will not prevent, but we will not do fertility treatment to have more kids.

That being said, while it was incredibly hard each month when I knew it didn't work, I never had a m/c; I can imagine that being even harder, especially when it is a late one/ a stillbirth.

leesmom

i just had to post as these stories upset me so much, its just not fair.i really feel for you and all the heartache you must have gone trhough and are still going through.
i havent been through this so i cant say i know how you are feeling because i dont.but i dont think you should give up,there is always hope.i know alot of people whoe have had trouble conceiving and particualrly one who went through 4 miscarriages and now 8 years later has two kids.
my own cousin had cancer as a young child and was told that she would never conceive beacuse of it and the fact that she also had very bad endometreosis(SP?).as a result when she went through college she threw herself into study and got a very good job as she wanted to concentrate on her career if she wasnt going to be able to have a family.she got married and worked her butt off in a very stressful job where she was standing all day,which was extremly bad for her as from all her operations as a child she had a very bad back(another reason why she was told pregnancy would not be an option as they told her she wouldnt have had the strenght to carry a baby through pregnancy and even if she did she may not have been able to care for a newborn because of this) anyway four years ago she left her job and moved abroad with her husband,they set up a small business in the countryside in a country with beautiful weather and a relaxed lifestyle. this did wonders for her health and she now has a 5 month old baby at the age of 40.
sorry if im rambleing but i just want to say i dont think you should give up hope,there is always a chance,even if you are told otherwise.
i really do hope it works out for you and that whatever you decide makes you happy.
take care

traceybere

I don't think you should ever give up - i knew a lady who tried for eight years (she lost 2 children in that time).

Finally she gave up hope of having her "own" child an adopted an amazing little girl from China - 4 months later she was unwell - felt really tired - she poped to the local doctors for a chat and found out she was 2 months pregnant - she now has a beautiful son!

I know it can be tought but hang in there.

Oryx

I think your decision on when to give up has to be personal. It depends on how tough you are yourself. Some would give up after one miscarriage, some would continue on indefinitely. Nature is a very fluid thing, you simply can never tell whether or when it will work for you. So unfortunately this decision has to be yours alone, based on how you feel deep down.

xx

Aisling&M

I haven't been through what you've been through but I've had a rough enough journey trying to conceive for the last 2.5 years. i've had 2 chemical pregnancies and with PCOS I'm starting to feel like it will never happen.

I personally can't give up yet. I've tried lightly medicated cycles which didn't agree with me but if by the end of this year, which will be 3 years trying we don't get successfully pregnant I'll try different medication and then onto IUIs and IVF presuming we can afford to. I don't think I can ever give up. I may in 10 years stop doing treatments but I will always hope.

Wile E. Coyote

If it's really what you want then I don't think you should ever give up. A woman i know lost 9 babies including 2 sets of twins. Some were miscarriages, some lived a few days with but with complications. Was very sad every time she got pregnant but then something went wrong.

Happily though about 4years ago they were finally given the daughter that they always wanted. It will happen eventually but only if you keep trying.

Hellrazer

OP--My advice is to never,ever give up.

Heres what happened to us.

In 1998 my wife gave birth to our first daughter who was born at 28 weeks.She was given a 25% of survival but she got through and is as healthy as anything.

2 years after that we decided to try again.Nothing happened for us for years.We both went through some amount of testing to the extent that we both felt like lab rats.
The doctors could find nothing wrong with either of us so we went ahead with IVF which again failed to work for us.
After the IVF the doctors reckoned that we would never have another child.

In August 2005 my wife got pregnant but m/c Christmas week that year.

In 2006 she gave birth to our second daughter in November and this year in April she had our third.

We are absolutely convinced that the doctors telling us that it wasnt going to happen lifted the huge wait off our shoulders and that was when we got pregnant.My wife is convinced that her infertility was related to stress and worry--worrying if she ever got pregnant again would the baby be born early,worrying about miscarriages etc.

What Im trying to say is that theres always hope and I hope it does work out for you.

crazy cat lady

You've had a tough time

Which maternity hospital did you attend?

After 3 miscarriages you should be able to get referred to a recurrent miscarriage clinic for investigations into why you might be experiencing pregnancy loss.

Also, was any explanation given for the still birth of your child?

Maybe after a little investigation, you might have an answer as to why you have been so unlucky and be able to make an educated decision about whether or not you want to keep trying for a child.

While there is still hope, I don't think I would ever give up trying, but then I have never experienced a pregnancy loss... or a pregnancy for that matter (I can only keep trying!)

The good news is that you know that you can conceive, i think thats half the battle!

Good luck with whatever you decide anyway

spadder

Hang in Dellgirl,
We were “written off” by the fertility clinics after years of failed iui, ivf's and miscarriages , we had given up hope.

Out of the blue, the Mrs (39) conceived naturally, after being told it’s unlikely to ever happen.

Keep the faith. Never, ever give up, don’t let it come between you and your partner. It will happen for you, when you least expect it.

juliegirl520

I've been having my doubts about how much more I can handle as well, and I haven't even been through the m/c and other difficulties. I recently had surgery to remove a blocked tube that was scarred from a pelvic infection when i was much younger. I am also not ovulating correctly so they plan to put me on fertility drugs and want to do IUI. I'm starting to feel as though someone's trying to tell me that it's just not meant to be. This is so difficult to handle emotionally and my admiration goes out to those of you who keep fighting... I hope I have your strength.

Anorak1

Its very hard to know when is the right time to give up.
There never really is a right time but its down to how much you can take

My wife and I had 4 miscarraiges in 5 years , the last being about 3 years ago.

After the first 3 we started attending Dr Phil Boyle in the Galway Clinic. We had another miscarraige after a while but on the second attempt with Dr Boyles treatment we now have a lovely son who is just over a year old. When my wife got pregnant the last time (the successful one) we had more or less made up our mind that this was the last roll of the dice so we count ourselves very very lucky to have him

If nothing else is working you should consider going to see Dr Boyle. It is not that difficult to get an appointment and while his treatment takes time it has a high success rate in cases of recurrent miscarraige

Good Luck

Anorak1

Is it better to accept your fertility fate or keep on fighting natures precedent? Im not asking whether or not I should, but interested to hear what different people decided and when. I want to knwo where I am in this journey, I feel a little lost. Im with a new partner now and I just think Ill tell him I dont want kids rather than go through the whole history of heartbreak to date.

Thanks for reading.x

Sorry but when I posted the first time I had only read half your post

You are only 33, you have plenty of time and no if you want to have kids accepting your lot is not in my opinion the way to go (and my wife and I have been through similar discussions but persevered)

Sometimes small things are wrong and the right treatment and drugs can make it work out. It doesnt always work but we are proof (as are the tons and tons of baby photos on the walls of Dr Boyles clinic) that it can be turned around.

If your partner is the right one and wants kids too they will be willing to go through the process to get the outcome at the end

rafared

These stories are very painful and I feel deeply for all who go through this turmoil. My own story might help so here goes......

My wife concieved and carried our first child successfully and he now is 10 years old. We decided when he was around 2 years old to try again and thats when the problems started. My wife miscarried 4 times, sometimes very early in pregnancy, sometimes after 3 of 4 months, over a period of around 8 years. To see the heartbreak she suffered during those times was very difficult. I felt totally powerless to help, and to be honest I eventually wanted to stop trying because I didnt want to put her through the turmoil of another miscarrage. I should add that she didnt find it easy to become pregnant, quite the opposite in fact. The months of failed tests, unsuccessful treatments, drugs and even surgical investigation nearly cracked us both up.
Eventually we reluctantly agreed to stop, get a vasectomy done and enjoy our son and the rest of our lives. I should also say that my son often asked why we couldnt get another baby and my wife found it hard to explain that to him without getting upset.
So, we booked a holiday in florida with the SSIA money and decided to forget the whole mess. I came home from work one day and she said to me "guess what?".......I just knew instantly what she ment and to be honest I wasnt overjoyed because I didnt want to see her get destroyed again by another miscarrage. Well to cut a long story short we went to florida where she waddled around in the sun (5 months pregnant) while my son and I enjoyed ourselves.
Our daughter was born 5 months later and is now 13 months old and has the house wrecked but we love her to bits. I've had the snip (ouch it hurt) and our lives are back on track.
I realise my story has a happy ending and I thank God it does but for many years life was bleak. I truly believe if its ment to be it will, but Its a personal issue for each individual. I would have gladly done anything to stop the pain for my wife when she miscarried, anything to ease the pain.
There is almost 9 years between our kids and my experience has shown me there is always hope so hang in there.