Tuesday Quickies

skinner2x · 29-07-2008 1:31pm #1

You have to hand it to Lesbians, they make some great films.

My mate's a Welsh necrophiliac.

I know he's a necrophiliac cos I caught him shagging my jumper.

If god didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.

Why don't women have any brains?

Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "no, but I've told a donkey to fcuk off."

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now fcuk off you cnut!"

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

skinner2x · 29-07-2008 1:33pm

My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said "we need to talk about our future".

I said "yeah, it's gonna be ****ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"

I'm now single.

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fcuk off, you won't bring it back."

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fcuking red mark on her forehead.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fcuking appendix out!"

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b*tch."

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and i spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a ****."