How to make a 5 year old stand up for himself?

mikewest

How do I make my 5 year old stand up for himself? If his little brother 3 soon to be 4 hits him or pinches him, pulls his hair etc. he will just stand there and howl until rescued. Now if this was only happening at home it wouldn't be so bad but he got a bit of bullying at school and despite everything we said to him, he would not stand up to the bully. What I really fear is him becoming one of lifes victims because he won't stand up for himself. It's bad enough being bullied if you stand up for yourself but not doing anything about it, just standing there and taking it and crying is just going to make life pretty tough for him because he is a very sensitive child. His little brother with the same parneting is your normal child prepared to give and take all that comes mixed in with tears an looking for support in other words what I would class as normal.

I don't want to turn him into a little tough guy, just get him to push back when pushed or even get the heck out of the situation. Has anyone experienced this, will he just grow out of it or will it get worse? Most importantly is there anything we his parents can do.

Oryx

You could try contact sports? Things like football, hurling etc involve the odd knock, it might help him get out of his habit. Martial arts would be good too, and they do start kids young.

My little guy would do that crying thing if let, lately Ive been shrugging it off, telling him in an offhand way 'your fine!' and continuing with whatever were doing. When playing football with him if he goes off on one, Ive told him to toughen up, that he wont get to do that with the other boys.

It is a fine line though, you dont want him to feel totally neglected. All of the above, is of course, only done when Im sure hes not really hurt, Im not totally heartless!

Nevyn

You need to work on his self confidence and teach him what to do with role play.

Get him to pretend to hit you or a teddy to pretend to hit you and you then give Teddy a 'stop' message, which is done by clearly saying " Teddy Stop hurting/hitting/pulling my hair" this can be used with a hand signal for stop.

Role play Teddy stopping and saying sorry also role play Teddy ignoring the Stop message and move him on to the next step which is "Telling".

If someone does not stop after they were give a stop message then he had to 'Tell'
a grow up or who ever is in charge that they were given a stop message.

This is either going to an adult and using those terms which lets face it communicates what is happening a lot clearer then whining and in a way an adult can respond to quickly.

In the case there he can't get away, say cos the younger child has a grip on his hair you need to encourage him and role play with him being assertive and calling out or shouting to you, " Mam the baby is pulling my hair and I told him to stop and he won't let go".

Practice it over and over and role it happening on the road and in school so that he knows what do to and you have to make sure that you respond to the phrase when it happens.

mikewest

Thaedydal wrote: »

You need to work on his self confidence and teach him what to do with role play.

Get him to pretend to hit you or a teddy to pretend to hit you and you then give Teddy a 'stop' message, which is done by clearly saying " Teddy Stop hurting/hitting/pulling my hair" this can be used with a hand signal for stop.

We haven't tried the role play idea so there's a new approach.

Oryx wrote: »

You could try contact sports? Things like football, hurling etc involve the odd knock, it might help him get out of his habit. Martial arts would be good too, and they do start kids young.

My little guy would do that crying thing if let, lately Ive been shrugging it off, telling him in an offhand way 'your fine!' and continuing with whatever were doing. When playing football with him if he goes off on one, Ive told him to toughen up, that he wont get to do that with the other boys.

It is a fine line though, you dont want him to feel totally neglected. All of the above, is of course, only done when Im sure hes not really hurt, Im not totally heartless!

For personal reasons I am not a fan of football and hurling, maybe the martial arts and when he's a bit bigger up the road to the rugby club. I know about the fine line and I don't want to change him too much. I want him to stop the aggressor without starting an all out fight if possible and I still want him to be the sensitive soul he is by nature.

di11on

Really interesting thread... we have the VERY same the problem and our girl is 5 too... she lets her 2yr old sister hit her while she stands there crying. It's mad, never mind standing up for herself, she wouldn't even move away which would be all that's required to end the unpleasantness! The role play idea is interesting, must give it a go.

Something to bear in mind though. I remember there was a documentary on TV recently following different sets of multiples during pregnancy. It was really interesting. It showed two twins and right from the very start, one of them was naturally agressive, and the other naturally passive. The agressive twin would kick and push in the uterus, while the other twin would move back into his own space.

It just shows you that some kids will be naturally more passive than others and it's not necessarily environmental.

OP, have you seen this site:

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm

mikewest

di11on wrote: »

OP, have you seen this site:

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm

Never saw that before but it describes him to a T. Unlike his father or brother he always looks before he leaps.

Khannie

di11on wrote: »

It's mad, never mind standing up for herself, she wouldn't even move away which would be all that's required to end the unpleasantness!

Honestly....I think I'd let her sit there and take it before I'd intervene in that instance. That's just lazy.

Interesting about the passive / aggressive twins.

Victor

I was bullied from 7 to 17 and still 'react' to bully-type incidents. Oddly enough, I'm doing a course at the moment that includes conflict resolution and assertiveness.

I think its notable that the children referred to are older than their tormentors - I presume they are the eldest. I ssupec there are anumber of factors at play. The tormentors are getting to an age where they can torment and the victims have never been tormented before and don't know what to do. So if the baby pulls their hair they need to let the baby know what they are doing is wrong.

Be careful with playing the part of the cavalry all the time - you just might be expanding their inability to react and make them feel worthless.

lostinnappies

Ive found that if you teach him to shout really loud at the bullys or people pushing it really really works. If he is quiet he will get pushed to the side or be a target. The louder he is the better, it worked for my son.

lostinnappies

uh uh get him to start by shouting at you, then his dad, then his brother when he hits him.

mikewest

Victor wrote: »

I think its notable that the children referred to are older than their tormentors - I presume they are the eldest. I ssupec there are anumber of factors at play. The tormentors are getting to an age where they can torment and the victims have never been tormented before and don't know what to do. So if the baby pulls their hair they need to let the baby know what they are doing is wrong.

Be careful with playing the part of the cavalry all the time - you just might be expanding their inability to react and make them feel worthless.

Yes he is the eldest and yes I do worry about playing the cavalry but the funny thing is he will stand up for his "rights" to his parents and other adults just not to his peer group or his little brother. Maybe I didn't explain this clearly in my opening post, in fact its only after lostinnappies comments that I realised this. If he wil stand up to an adult why will he not do this where he needs to? By stand up to an adult I mean things like demand things, fight over turning off television/computer, refuse to get out of way, not do what he is told in other words normal child behavior. I do know that he has an incredibly good memory and I always wonder if we told him at some time not to hit back at his little brother and that he took this lesson to heart and applies to kids in the playground.

Nevyn

Cos adults are rational and won't for the most part throw a strop or hit him or call him mean names, exclude him and hurt his feelings.

I've been there with both mine.

di11on

Thaedydal wrote: »

Cos adults are rational and won't for the most part throw a strop or hit him or call him mean names, exclude him and hurt his feelings.

I've been there with both mine.

That's a good point... actually, when you think of it... the more sensible, reasonable and loving you are as a parent, the more confused they will be when confronted with irrational mean behaviour.

I suppose the trick is to expose them to as many situations as possible where they have to deal with this... for instance, in the playground, in the adverture centre, in playschool.

With siblings there are also other factors at play and I see this in mine. For example, I know that our older girl really loves her little sis but when little sis does stuff that little sisses do, she's not prepared... she's angry but perhaps can't reconcile this with the fact that she loves her little sis and so she doesn't know how to react.

Being a parent is tough. The hardest part of it is equipping your kids for stuff you can't control at all. No-one gives you a manual on how to prepare your kids for life!

luckat

He's found a way to react that ends the situation satisfactorily, so why should he change?

His brother hits him, he howls, you rescue him, and probably give him lots of attention.

If you want him to behave differently, start ignoring him when he's attacked. He's big enough, and presumably intelligent enough, to move out of the way. When he does that, praise him and give him attention.

Enright

i second the martial arts, worked for my child
the child gets more confident and its good exercise too

Victor

mikewest wrote: »

Yes he is the eldest and yes I do worry about playing the cavalry but the funny thing is he will stand up for his "rights" to his parents and other adults just not to his peer group or his little brother. Maybe I didn't explain this clearly in my opening post, in fact its only after lostinnappies comments that I realised this. If he wil stand up to an adult why will he not do this where he needs to? By stand up to an adult I mean things like demand things, fight over turning off television/computer, refuse to get out of way, not do what he is told in other words normal child behavior. I do know that he has an incredibly good memory and I always wonder if we told him at some time not to hit back at his little brother and that he took this lesson to heart and applies to kids in the playground.

Has the "We are bringing home your the baby and you can help in looking after him" speech stuck?

mikewest

luckat wrote: »

He's found a way to react that ends the situation satisfactorily, so why should he change?

His brother hits him, he howls, you rescue him, and probably give him lots of attention.

If you want him to behave differently, start ignoring him when he's attacked. He's big enough, and presumably intelligent enough, to move out of the way. When he does that, praise him and give him attention.

A. he doesn't just exhibit this behavior at home it happens at school

B. Ignoring his screaming doesnt work because the 3 year old nearly did serious damage to him last week which is what got us really worried. We had been trying the ignoring tactic for a while but it was favouring the agressor i.e. three year old

mikewest

Victor wrote: »

Has the "We are bringing home your the baby and you can help in looking after him" speech stuck?

Wish it was that simple. Yes he was good but not overly so. He just never learned to stand up for himself with other kids.

Nevyn

IF he is the eldest and is more used to interacting with adults other children can be baffling.

luckat

We usually generalise behaviours that work in one place to all places.

So if I learn that being a victim works with my parents, it's the reaction I'll default to in other situations.

If you fear that the three-year-old will damage the five-year-old, explain to both of them that when there's a row they'll be separated.

When the row happens, separate them, but don't engage in any conversation about it. If one of them wails "But HE started it", don't engage. If they try to explain what the row was about, don't engage. Just separate them, without giving either any reward (for instance, the chance to watch the TV that they've been fighting over, or to be in your golden company with your full attention) to either.

Give them each some calming thing to do - drawing, say - and when they've been apart for a long enough cooling-off period - say 15 minutes - say "OK, if you're ready to be nice, you can play together again".

If the row starts again, or any reference to it, separate them again. And so on, for as long as it takes.