Unreliable friends once you become a mum

lostinnappies

Im really pissed off i have to say.

I am a mum of two boyz 3years and 8 months. I love to socialise and meet new people but the only thing is once you have a baby they all treat you differently. Granted, i cant get out as much as i used to with the kids but i dont think once a week is that bad. And sometimes i have to cancle if the kids are ill or hubby, but that rarely happens. I had one friend say to me "if you cant come out today dont bother coming out again" I was soo upset and angry that i nearly lost the plot. Anytime i sujest hanging out during the day (id have to take the kids with me) they always bluntly say "well what am i going to do then" ah hello you could talk to me, or have a tea/coffee somewhere etc or shove your stick further up your arse. Its not that the people i meet are shallow or dislike me .... its that they dont have kids and want to party all the time and hang out in adult places like pubs ..... but would it be so bad to on occasion have a little consideration and do something different? Everyone i know works, and have no kids (same as i did before kids) which means im on my own all the time and with only one salary cant afford a hobby. I go to playgrounds and start talking to other mothers but i find some of them very rude as are their children. Im not a picky person, so long as you dont have the personality of a wooden board or a thorn, im good.

So what can i do, go back to work and work all week away from my kids to only meet other wemon who have no kids and want to go to the pub all the time (not that i would mind that). or sit at home and remain friendless ... also i have to always go to them every single time. Even though it would be a 5 min journey for them, by the time ive packed kids and bags and waited for naps to finish it could be hours for me. They just dont give a rats ass.

Any other mothers out there like that?

Nevyn

lostinnappies if you like I could move this to the parenting forum ?

Yes it can be a pain esp when they are little and people don't understand that you cna' drop everything and just hang out for hours on end, really why can't your friends come visit you at home ? Good friends are those who will be happy to spend time around the kitchen table having a natter as much a down the pub.

Being a stay at home Mam does mean that you don't have as much money at your disposal and that meeting other adults to have an adult converstation with so your brain doesn't go to much can be diffictult esp when the kids are small and not in school.

Most of the mother and toddler groups I tried when mine were as young as yours either left me bored or were too much of a clique tbh.

I would not have any time for a so called friend that took the type of attitude with me that yours did.

beth-lou

lostinnappies wrote: »

Im really pissed off i have to say.

I am a mum of two boyz 3years and 8 months. I love to socialise and meet new people but the only thing is once you have a baby they all treat you differently. Granted, i cant get out as much as i used to with the kids but i dont think once a week is that bad. And sometimes i have to cancle if the kids are ill or hubby, but that rarely happens. I had one friend say to me "if you cant come out today dont bother coming out again" I was soo upset and angry that i nearly lost the plot. Anytime i sujest hanging out during the day (id have to take the kids with me) they always bluntly say "well what am i going to do then" ah hello you could talk to me, or have a tea/coffee somewhere etc or shove your stick further up your arse. Its not that the people i meet are shallow or dislike me .... its that they dont have kids and want to party all the time and hang out in adult places like pubs ..... but would it be so bad to on occasion have a little consideration and do something different? Everyone i know works, and have no kids (same as i did before kids) which means im on my own all the time and with only one salary cant afford a hobby. I go to playgrounds and start talking to other mothers but i find some of them very rude as are their children. Im not a picky person, so long as you dont have the personality of a wooden board or a thorn, im good.

So what can i do, go back to work and work all week away from my kids to only meet other wemon who have no kids and want to go to the pub all the time (not that i would mind that). or sit at home and remain friendless ... also i have to always go to them every single time. Even though it would be a 5 min journey for them, by the time ive packed kids and bags and waited for naps to finish it could be hours for me. They just dont give a rats ass.

Any other mothers out there like that?

It can be lonely being a Mother, but eventually they will all be in the same boat. I got preggers for the first time at 27. All my friends were still out partying or doing whatever it was that they do. I found I had to slot in with their plans most of the time. Most singletons don't want to sit around trying to have a conversation with babies interupting the conversation. But then I met one girl with kids who was on the same wavelength as me and she kind of slotted in there where they were lacking.
Now most of them are having babies and want advice etc and suddenly you're popular again. It will come around, try to keep your spirits up. accept that your life has changed as will theirs. Try the mother toddler groups again. I know some people are very mumsy, but you will meet someone youcan connect with eventually.
Your friends just don't get the kiddie thing yet. It's unfortunate, but that's just the way it is. Maybe talk to them abouthow you feel. I'd say they are oblivious to how they are making you feel.
Hope you feel better soon. x

Spud83

I'm sorry you want people to change how and where the socalise because you decided to have kids?

Why should your friends have to alter their lives because you have kids?

Off course they want to hang out in adult places and do adult things. They are adults. Maybe they aren't fond of kids and don't want them in the way ruining a social occasion. They have decided not to have kids yet for one reason or another, maybe one of those reason is because they have big impact on every aspect of your life, they don't want other peoples kids having an impact either.

Your friends don't seem to have much interest in hanging around with your kids tagging along. What are options well either get someone to look after the kids when you go out (i.e you look after them friday night, hubby on saturday night or something) or find other parents in the same situation as yourself to socialise with.

There is a parenting forum around here that I'm sure could give you good advice on this.

Kids are like farts, you can only stand your own.

dr.bollocko

I can see both sides. I guess it can be hard for your friends who work too, used to having x type of friend and now they have to lose your companionship of your new responsibility.
I am not saying that it's right, I guess it's part of the problem if you are raising kids and your group of friends arent raising kids.
And it's hardly fair to make a mother of young kids make an acceptional effort to meet up with absolutely everyone and bend to their whims when you have kids to be worrying about.
To be honest it's a sticking point for a lot of friendship groups isnt it?
Once the kids show up it does tend to put limits on the amount of time you can devote to socialising.
I wouldn't appreciate the friend saying that, but then maybe from her point of view you have been flakey, or maybe missed something important to her, a birthday or something.
Sometimes it's just tough it out time OP.
Good luck!

seamus

What age are you OP, as a matter of interest? Would most of your mates still be under 30?

One would expect that a real friend would make allowances for the fact that you have children and that plans can change. Anyone who makes an ultimatum such as, "if you cant come out today dont bother coming out again", clearly isn't worth the effort.

On the flipside though, you need to make allowances for the fact that for some people, spending the afternoon with someone else and their child sounds like a nightmare. If someone just wants to go for a quiet coffee or lunch, then the thought of having one (or two!) children there can very quickly take the shine off the prospect.

If you're socialising with people that you mightn't necessarily know that well, then do as suggested above - have someone else mind your kids and go out and enjoy yourself. If someone isn't a good friend of yours, then chances are they don't want to be exposed to your children.

The times during the week when you're bored or lonely and can't leave the kids are the times you should rely on family, in-laws and close friends for company. A good friend with nothing else to do wouldn't turn down an offer of coffee in your place.

MJOR

OP I feel for you. I think that all friendships gothrough phases like this.

I can see it from both sides of the fence. I guess on the one hand they are saying that they want the old you. Thats not possible. I have a feeling that you are in your early 20's as the attitudes reflected here from the friends are younger.

I have plenty of friends that have babies and have lost count of the number of times i've ended up sitting with a baby on my lap drinking coke while they tidy the kitchen.

As you get older your circl eof friends get smaller. Why don't you maybe join a toddlers group or something? You can make friends with people that have babies too?

tweety1

alanmurphy83 wrote: »

?

I'm sorry you want people to change how and where the socalise because you decided to have kids
Why should your friends have to alter their lives because you have kids?

since when did it become a selfish thing to do, to have kids!
if they are real friends, they would see the position she is in and make allowances for it. When anyone makes plans with a friend its a give and take situation, as to where and when it is suitable for both/many persons to meet up and spend time with each other to catch up. It doesn't always have to be pubs and their homes. They can make an effort too and should if they are real friends.

Spud83

tweety1 wrote: »

since when did it become a selfish thing to do, to have kids!
if they are real friends, they would see the position she is in and make allowances for it. When anyone makes plans with a friend its a give and take situation, as to where and when it is suitable for both/many persons to meet up and spend time with each other to catch up. It doesn't always have to be pubs and their homes. They can make an effort too and should if they are real friends.

But on the flip side the OP mentioned that all these people work. Surely they are allowed spend there free time as they wish, and as already mentioned an afternoon spent with kids would be some peoples idea of a nightmare afternoon.

The friend that said "if you cant come out tonight don't bother coming out again" was an idiot. Or at least said an idiotic thing. However expecting people to spend an afternoon, remember these people only get two free afternoons a week, doing something they don't like is unreasonable to me.

RuailleBuaille

alanmurphy83 wrote: »

I'm sorry you want people to change how and where the socalise because you decided to have kids?

Why should your friends have to alter their lives because you have kids?

Off course they want to hang out in adult places and do adult things. They are adults. Maybe they aren't fond of kids and don't want them in the way ruining a social occasion. They have decided not to have kids yet for one reason or another, maybe one of those reason is because they have big impact on every aspect of your life, they don't want other peoples kids having an impact either.

Your friends don't seem to have much interest in hanging around with your kids tagging along. What are options well either get someone to look after the kids when you go out (i.e you look after them friday night, hubby on saturday night or something) or find other parents in the same situation as yourself to socialise with.

There is a parenting forum around here that I'm sure could give you good advice on this.

Kids are like farts, you can only stand your own.

Gotta say, I agree. In my own experience, any of my friends who have had kids turned into complete bores, all they want to talk about is their wonderful offspring (I fully understand this and realise that I shall be the exact same!) and have little or no interest in my life because it's not as deep and meaningful as their new life.

It works both ways, you can't expect them to make an effort and fit you in if you can't do the same. I know it's easier said than done, but if you want to be friends with childless adults, you'll have to make an effort to meet them where they're at. You were one once, did you have any interest in sitting in talking bout nappies and feeding routines?


That said, I think your 'friend' was horrible for placing you under ultimatum.

tweety1

sorry, i don't agree. You don't have to spend an entire afternoon. As a friend, if you want to catch up with a friend you haven't seen, you can call in for an hour, kids or not!
We were all kids once, and if you don't see a friend for a while, you'll want to see how they are/ how they are getting on. You'll want to spend at least some time with them. Yes, kids are hard work but a real friend would realise that she is with her kids all day everyday and adult company is always appreciated. Hell, her friends might not have kids now but they can learn from her now instead of using her just when they do eventually have kids.

How Strange

OP, I can see both sides of this. I don't have kids and while I've no problem spending some time with friends with kids while their kids are there I've found that when you do those friends spend the whole time distracted by what their little darlings are a) putting in their mouths, b) eating, c) whatever else they're getting up to. So basically they might be sitting in front of you but are too busy to actually engage. Very annoying. I also don't only want to meet my friends in the company of their kids. I know and understand that they love them dearly, more than life itself probably, but I don't feel the same endearment for them.

Clearly the friend who gave you the ultimatium is out of order. However, I think that while it's important for your friends to make an effort for you it's just as important for you to make time for them without the kids in tow.

I'm guessing that you're still in your 20's and all your friends are in the same age bracket if drinking in pubs is their social life. You could suggest meeting them for dinner some evening during the week or going to the cinema and a drink (soft or not) afterwards.

barbiegirl

My best friend had her first at 18 and you know something 15 years later we're still best mates. I went to college, she stayed at home, we have different lives but we still make time for one another and make allowances for kids, exams, work etc.
OP as the mammy you need to make sure you talk less about the kids, organise the hubby or aunt/uncle/grandparent/trusted neighbour once in a while to take the kids and have a girlie lunch in an adult place without the kids. If you are managing to go out, to an adult venue, once a week then you're doing well.
Really I suppose lives change and we grow up, as someone else said our circle of friends change but the true friends should always be there for you and you for them.
Oh and Alan Murphy 83 I pity your mates, as you seem to have conditions on gifting them with your friendship. Friendship is about give and take and maybe the OP could give more but also so could her mates.

SarahSassy

From the other side of the fence it is seldom enjoyable meeting a mother with kids.... Between the baby talk and the constant interruptions to the conversation to feed / scold / chase after the kid its not relaxing and I avoid it at all costs... Most of my friends who have kids have turned into baby bores and I definitely meet with them a lot less than I used to... We are just at different places right now..

lostinnappies

Thaedydal wrote: »

lostinnappies if you like I could move this to the parenting forum ?

Yes please,lol

Spud83

barbiegirl wrote: »

Oh and Alan Murphy 83 I pity your mates, as you seem to have conditions on gifting them with your friendship. Friendship is about give and take and maybe the OP could give more but also so could her mates.

I'm sorry I can see how you have drawn this conclusion from my posts. I don't place conditions on my mates but I wouldn't expect them to do something they don't want to do, just like they wouldn't expect me to do something I don't want to do.

I also don't understand why you picked me out when others have agreed with me.

If I started surfing I wouldn't expect them to come along and either participate or watch me surf unless they wanted too.

If I started volunteer work I wouldn't expect them join me either.

The OP decided to have kids, so she has to accept the impact that has on her life.

I already gave her advice, she either has to find time to socialise with her current friends, or find new friends who are in the same position as herself.

lostinnappies

alanmurphy83 wrote: »

I'm sorry you want people to change how and where the socalise because you decided to have kids?

Why should your friends have to alter their lives because you have kids?

Off course they want to hang out in adult places and do adult things. They are adults. Maybe they aren't fond of kids and don't want them in the way ruining a social occasion. They have decided not to have kids yet for one reason or another, maybe one of those reason is because they have big impact on every aspect of your life, they don't want other peoples kids having an impact either.

Your friends don't seem to have much interest in hanging around with your kids tagging along. What are options well either get someone to look after the kids when you go out (i.e you look after them friday night, hubby on saturday night or something) or find other parents in the same situation as yourself to socialise with.

There is a parenting forum around here that I'm sure could give you good advice on this.

Kids are like farts, you can only stand your own.

First off, the kids dont come out with me when i DO get to go out to the pub, and i dont want to do kids things lord know i have enough of that during the day..... what im saying is sometimes i dont have a choice and i have to bring the kids and if they were truly friends why shouldnt they on occasion try to be a little understanding ... why? because they are ment to be my friends, and it wouldnt kill them now would it. it is exactly this attitude that has made me depressed and not bother hanging out with them anymore, i dont want to resent my kids for it either so instead ill just resent them and their narrow mindedness

lostinnappies

we are all about 30

barbiegirl

Hi Alan,

Sorry if you felt I picked on you, not intendend, I just felt the tone of your response was quite attacking to the OP.

Friends make allowances, no matter what happens in life, kids, deaths, house moves, job losses and promotions, you try to meet half way. I think that's all she wants, them to meet her half way sometimes.

SarahSassy

Ok I think people have tried to point it out nicely but you are not getting it and you are still blaming your friends. I strongly suspect you are

1. A baby bore, or
2. Have been in your own / the babies company for so long that you dont have a lot to talk about.

Thats the hard fact and the main reason I dont see a lot of my Mammy friends now.... They are not very interesting to talk to cos they live in a small universe which (rightly) totally revolves around them and their kids and subsequently they dont have a lot to bring to a conversation..... Harsh but true.

Spud83

lostinnappies wrote: »

First off, the kids dont come out with me when i DO get to go out to the pub, and i dont want to do kids things lord know i have enough of that during the day..... what im saying is sometimes i dont have a choice and i have to bring the kids and if they were truly friends why shouldnt they on occasion try to be a little understanding ... why? because they are ment to be my friends, and it wouldnt kill them now would it. it is exactly this attitude that has made me depressed and not bother hanging out with them anymore, i dont want to resent my kids for it either so instead ill just resent them and their narrow mindedness

So when you go the pub you don't bring the kids. Good.

You are saying sometimes you have to bring the kids? But how much notice do you give them. Is it a case of you arrange to go shopping/pub/whatever with a friend and then say on the day oh I am going to have bring the kids?

Resenting people isn't going to make your life any better. Only solutions will do that. Have you thought about arrange some kind of schedule with your husband/other family so you can plan things with your friends. Every second Saturday he takes the kids somewhere during the day, and then you mind them at night, and then swap the following week. I'm not saying this is workable for you, but giving an example of workable solution, something you should discuss with your husband.

Hopefully if/when this gets moved to the parenting forum (might be better to PM a mod for that) they can offer some advice on where you might be able to meet other parents in the same situation.

Nevyn

And those universes are not going to get any bigger if thier so called friends desert them.

SarahSassy

Thaedydal wrote: »

And those universes are not going to get any bigger if thier so called friends desert them.

Never said it was right but its reality....

lostinnappies

SarahSassy wrote: »

Ok I think people have tried to point it out nicely but you are not getting it and you are still blaming your friends. I strongly suspect you are

1. A baby bore, or
2. Have been in your own / the babies company for so long that you dont have a lot to talk about.

Thats the hard fact and the main reason I dont see a lot of my Mammy friends now.... They are not very interesting to talk to cos they live in a small universe which (rightly) totally revolves around them and their kids and subsequently they dont have a lot to bring to a conversation..... Harsh but true.

I tell you i have enough of babies when i go out i want to hear and talk about the rest of the world ... of course i dont go on about the kids, I only ever mention them once when some one says "how are the kids" my responce is "fine".

And i dont have to be out and about to have things to talk about im not a moron who cant read a newspaper or watch the tv or know something about life before children.

lostinnappies

alanmurphy83 wrote: »

So when you go the pub you don't bring the kids. Good.

You are saying sometimes you have to bring the kids? But how much notice do you give them. Is it a case of you arrange to go shopping/pub/whatever with a friend and then say on the day oh I am going to have bring the kids?

Resenting people isn't going to make your life any better. Only solutions will do that. Have you thought about arrange some kind of schedule with your husband/other family so you can plan things with your friends. Every second Saturday he takes the kids somewhere during the day, and then you mind them at night, and then swap the following week. I'm not saying this is workable for you, but giving an example of workable solution, something you should discuss with your husband.

Hopefully if/when this gets moved to the parenting forum (might be better to PM a mod for that) they can offer some advice on where you might be able to meet other parents in the same situation.

If i go out normally i will go to a cafe that would also have a play area for my 3 year old which i let lose and dont see again till he needs to go potty and my 8 month old sits in his buggy or my lap. I have done nothing but accommodate my so-called friends and bent over backwards but I get nothing in responce ... before the kids, i was beating them back with a stick trying to get some rest now its like i have a desease.

SarahSassy

lostinnappies wrote: »

I tell you i have enough of babies when i go out i want to hear and talk about the rest of the world ... of course i dont go on about the kids, I only ever mention them once when some one says "how are the kids" my responce is "fine".

And i dont have to be out and about to have things to talk about im not a moron who cant read a newspaper or watch the tv or know something about life before children.

Well what could it be so?? :rolleyes: If its not just one friend who is acting like this then you need to ask yourself what YOU are doing.

Nevyn

Yes the disease is called grownupitis.
I had the same thing happen with a few people in my life esp considering the alt socail circles I run/ran in.

lostinnappies

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes the disease is called grownupitis.
I had the same thing happen with a few people in my life esp considering the alt socail circles I run/ran in.

Grownupitis lol, i love it.:D thanks for making me smile

the glass woman

OP i completely understand where you're coming from. And i bet all those non parents giving you their two cents will change their attitudes when and if they have children. I'm a stay at home mam of an 11 month old. Hey, maybe a few of us from the parenting forum should arrange a meet up, babies and all!

lostinnappies

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well what could it be so?? :rolleyes: If its not just one friend who is acting like this then you need to ask yourself what YOU are doing.

I think they are so obsessed with the "sex in the city" lifestyle that i dont fit in anymore. Its sad really cos most of them will end up this way at some stage and ill be damned if im gona let unreliable friends back into my life .. i guess the only thing to do is to persist at the mother groups and try find new friends. Geez having to begin again all because ive had kids.

SarahSassy

Well first impression from your posts, with your giving out about your friends and even the other mothers and kids in the playground, i think you sound high maintenance and someone who thinks the world and everyone in it owes them a living.

Friends dont disappear en masse unless something changes -meaning people change and not situations... Think about this...