Unreliable friends once you become a mum

marti101

the glass woman wrote: »

OP i completely understand where you're coming from. And i bet all those non parents giving you their two cents will change their attitudes when and if they have children. I'm a stay at home mam of an 11 month old. Hey, maybe a few of us from the parenting forum should arrange a meet up, babies and all!

Thats a great idea we will just let the kids go wild.

metaoblivia

OP, I think you should try to make new friends with other women in the same position as yourself. You may find that you have more in common at this stage in your life with them.
As a singleton with no kids, I don't really enjoy being around small children. It's not to say I won't do it. When I visited my friend in Australia, she, her sister, her sister's two small boys (2 and 1 years old) and I went many places together, including one long road trip where I was stuck in the middle of the backseat squished between their car seats. Both my friend and her sister are a lot larger than me and wouldn't have fit, so I was the best choice, but it was incredibly uncomfortable. I was scraped from the car seats digging up against my skin, I got things thrown at me, my hair was pulled constantly, and I had to lean forward the entire time I was in the car, which hurt my spinal cord a lot (I have a genetic joint disorder, and my most effected joint is my spine - and both my friend and her sister knew this). And the mother was either totally oblivious or just didn't care. I would have enjoyed that day a lot more if the kids weren't there. As it was though, I can't think about that day without thinking about how much pain I was in as a result of that car ride.
I'm not saying that your children or all children are like that, but an experience like that can definitely sour some peoples' opinions of going out with young children.

lostinnappies

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well first impression from your posts, with your giving out about your friends and even the other mothers and kids in the playground, i think you sound high maintenance and someone who thinks the world and everyone in it owes them a living.

Friends dont disappear en masse unless something changes -meaning people change and not situations... Think about this...

Ya the only thing that has changed is i have kids and arent at their beck-n-call. I used to live in UK also and i have found mums and other children there are more approachable there, when i moved back here omg i thought whats bugging them? They were all stand off ish and the only ones who wanted to chat were the forign ones from the states or UK. Maybe that says alot about the irish people as a majority (not all irish people).

lostinnappies

the glass woman wrote: »

OP i completely understand where you're coming from. And i bet all those non parents giving you their two cents will change their attitudes when and if they have children. I'm a stay at home mam of an 11 month old. Hey, maybe a few of us from the parenting forum should arrange a meet up, babies and all!

ha ha, that sounds good, a whole gaggle of wemon and screeming babies ... lest annoy all those non mums lol :P

SarahSassy

lostinnappies wrote: »

lest annoy all those non mums lol :P

Ah no dont worry we will be too busy to notice out enjoying ourselves

I empathise with the OP, have no kids myself but have observed friendships change drastically when babies arrived for others.

Reading some of the replies here I wonder how people would react if their mate found themselves in a drastically different situation.
Would they not be arsed meeting up with a friend who's incapacitated in some way? Depressed? Wheelchair bound? Bereaved?
Or is it just kids that are the inconvenience?

TBH, if your friends are that disinterested in you, you really are better off making some new ones.
People can presume so much.... it really fcucks me off that so many women assume mothers are baby-brained idiots who've lost all capacity to hold an intelligent conversation once they've given birth.

Wittering about shoes, hair, SATC, your job, your boss, your job, your job and your job can be equally as boring as baby talk IMO.

I have friends with kids, some who have no kids and I enjoy spending time with all of them. Variety is the spice of life!

the glass woman

Deleted User wrote: »

I empathise with the OP, have no kids myself but have observed friendships change drastically when babies arrived for others.

Reading some of the replies here I wonder how people would react if their mate found themselves in a drastically different situation.
Would they not be arsed meeting up with a friend who's incapacitated in some way? Depressed? Wheelchair bound? Bereaved?
Or is it just kids that are the inconvenience?

TBH, if your friends are that disinterested in you, you really are better off making some new ones.
People can presume so much.... it really fcucks me off that so many women assume mothers are baby-brained idiots who've lost all capacity to hold an intelligent conversation once they've given birth.

Wittering about shoes, hair, SATC, your job, your boss, your job, your job and your job can be equally as boring as baby talk IMO.

I have friends with kids, some who have no kids and I enjoy spending time with all of them. Variety is the spice of life!

Well said Favourite slave.. Another thing that bugs me is when people dismiss all children as troublesome and whinging. My son loves nothing more than being out and about with people and behaves better out socially than he does at home. And he's not even 1 yet.

LolaDub

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well first impression from your posts, with your giving out about your friends and even the other mothers and kids in the playground, i think you sound high maintenance and someone who thinks the world and everyone in it owes them a living.

Friends dont disappear en masse unless something changes -meaning people change and not situations... Think about this...

There's no need for that! You don't have to attack a poster because you don't agree with what they're saying.

Sadly OP a lot of single girls with no kids can't comprehend anything more than getting drunk or what they'll be wearing on a Sat night. Wait till they settle down and have children you'll suddenly become their best friend again.

mrsdewinter

Deleted User wrote: »

I empathise with the OP, have no kids myself but have observed friendships change drastically when babies arrived for others.

Reading some of the replies here I wonder how people would react if their mate found themselves in a drastically different situation.
Would they not be arsed meeting up with a friend who's incapacitated in some way? Depressed? Wheelchair bound? Bereaved?
Or is it just kids that are the inconvenience?

TBH, if your friends are that disinterested in you, you really are better off making some new ones.
People can presume so much.... it really fcucks me off that so many women assume mothers are baby-brained idiots who've lost all capacity to hold an intelligent conversation once they've given birth.

Wittering about shoes, hair, SATC, your job, your boss, your job, your job and your job can be equally as boring as baby talk IMO.

I have friends with kids, some who have no kids and I enjoy spending time with all of them. Variety is the spice of life!

+1
I don't have kids either, but I think it's interesting to hear different people's life experiences. My friends indulge me when I'm boring them with work stories... I think I can show an interest when they spend their days raising the people who will pay my pension

marti101

I have 3 ds and really of course we are going to talk about them.But when im out people always ask bout the baby sometimes they start the ball rolling and all im interested in is some adult conversation.OP your friends are at different stages in their lives you might get the friendship back and you mightnt.I fyou manage to get out without the kids and dont mention them make a rule tell them they cant talk about their job and see how the conversation flows.If thats all they talk about that makes you even its a fair trade off if you have to listen to them giving out about their boss they have to listen to you talk bout your kids.

metaoblivia

LolaDub wrote: »

There's no need for that! You don't have to attack a poster because you don't agree with what they're saying.

Sadly OP a lot of single girls with no kids can't comprehend anything more than getting drunk or what they'll be wearing on a Sat night. Wait till they settle down and have children you'll suddenly become their best friend again.

:rolleyes: Nice generalization there. I'm a single, childless woman and I've never been drunk. So far, I've spent my childless years teaching, traveling the world, going back to school and graduating with my Master's degree. Believe it or not, many single, childless women comprehend much more than getting drunk or what they'll be wearing on a Saturday night. Many of us also have a good idea of what the responsibilities of raising a child entail, which is why we don't have kids yet.
Sorry to veer off topic here, but there is a way to empathize with the OP without demonizing the other side.

ChickCool

metaoblivia wrote: »

:rolleyes: Nice generalization there. I'm a single, childless woman and I've never been drunk. So far, I've spent my childless years teaching, traveling the world, going back to school and graduating with my Master's degree. Believe it or not, many single, childless women comprehend much more than getting drunk or what they'll be wearing on a Saturday night. Many of us also have a good idea of what the responsibilities of raising a child entail, which is why we don't have kids yet.
Sorry to veer off topic here, but there is a way to empathize with the OP without demonizing the other side.

she said a lot not all so its not gereralising. i think most people would agree single young girls who cant understand the pressures a mum is facing would be girls that are more taken up with their saturday nights then supporting their friends with kids. previous posters disagreeing with the op have been on this line.

the kind of girls who do understand or have an inkling of the responsibilities a child comes with would be considerate enough not to cut off contact because ya cant come out drinking with them!

theres plenty of ways to support someone having kids as a friend and maintain friendship with them. visiting them at home, going to park with kiddies, offer to babysit so they can actually go out, going somewhere local to them so they have more time out etc

metaoblivia

ChickCool wrote: »

she said a lot not all so its not gereralising. i think most people would agree single young girls who cant understand the pressures a mum is facing would be girls that are more taken up with their saturday nights then supporting their friends with kids. previous posters disagreeing with the op have been on this line.

the kind of girls who do understand or have an inkling of the responsibilities a child comes with would be considerate enough not to cut off contact because ya cant come out drinking with them!

theres plenty of ways to support someone having kids as a friend and maintain friendship with them. visiting them at home, going to park with kiddies, offer to babysit so they can actually go out, going somewhere local to them so they have more time out etc

I disagree that previous posters have been on this line. I think they've just been saying that they personally don't enjoy children and don't want to be around them. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Most single ladies would probably hang out with their friend if the kids weren't there. It doesn't mean that they don't understand the responsibilities - they just don't like kids. I would never babysit for any children - including my brother's - because I consider it a big responsibility and I don't want it.
And some people may have good reason to dislike children. I posted a story earlier in the thread about how I was put in a position, literally, that was very uncomfortable and painful in order to accommodate for a friend's children. I know mothers don't like to think of their children as a nuisance to other people, but the truth is, they can be.

ChickCool

Perhaps were reading different threads then :rolleyes:

i dont want to quote every person saying there annoyed people with kids dont fit into there life but its there. how many times have people who dont have kids cancelled on them because they werent doing what they wanted to do/ their job was incoveniencing it/ they wanted time with a guy/girl/ they were just too lazy. In my experience people with kids are a lot more reliable then people without. ive never been forced or even asked to babysit,ive never been let down and ive never been embarrassed by my friends with kids.every parent and child isnt the same but i think no matter who your friends are you should support them with anything thats happening in their life not turn your back. a previous poster said because the ops friends were lazy in contacting them that it was the ops fault and repeated that point. That attitude is a disgrace and id say that persons friends are glad there not around there kids

metaoblivia

We're reading the same thread. You just seem to have a problem with people not liking children and not wanting to be around them. I don't. Kids are for some people and not for others. When a friend has a baby, it doesn't necessarily change that. There should be a level of tolerance, but you can't blame someone for not wanting to be in a situation that makes them uncomfortable. Additionally, you can't change what other people think, which is why I believe that making friends with other mothers would be good for the OP. She can't control her friends' actions; so why not make new friends who are on the same wavelength?
From the sounds of it, you've had good experiences with children. That's really great, and I mean that sincerely. But not everyone has.

ChickCool

No need to resort to personal jibes. The thread isnt about people not wanting to be around kids or babysitting them its about how the ops friends have treated her because shes not 120% available all the time.

If you every time you had to cancel with someone because you were ied up with work, ill, had to meet someone else, late or any other legitamate reason your friends went beserk and told you if you dont come now then dont speak to me again wouldnt you be a bit ticked off?

metaoblivia

ChickCool wrote: »

No need to resort to personal jibes. The thread isnt about people not wanting to be around kids or babysitting them its about how the ops friends have treated her because shes not 120% available all the time.

If you every time you had to cancel with someone because you were ied up with work, ill, had to meet someone else, late or any other legitamate reason your friends went beserk and told you if you dont come now then dont speak to me again wouldnt you be a bit ticked off?

I'm not aware of any "personal jibes" I made.
If I was constantly canceling plans with my friends because of something, I wouldn't expect them to go berserk, but I would expect them to be irritated and stop inviting me out.

ChickCool

Op said she rarely cancelled not constantly and she gets out once a week. I dont see all my friends once a week so id say thats pretty good for a parent. The friends reaction was way off and nobody deserves to be treated that way. Op your better off without people like that, would you really want them around your children?

metaoblivia

No, no one deserves to be treated that way, but to be fair, I entered this thread to say that there are single girls who are interested in other things aside from drinking and fashion, and you then engaged me in a discussion about the priorities of parents versuses singletons, and then decided to redirect the conversation to whether or not the OPs friends were right for getting upset with her when she canceled plans when it became clear that our previous discussion was going in circles.
And also, I'm still not sure what the personal jibes you accused me of making were.

ChickCool

No. You entered the thread complaining of another users generalisation when there was none. I answered that, i have given my own experiences and my own thoughts on this situation. You resorted to telling me what my problem was. If you still want to engage me in this pointless bickering then take it to pm please.

If you read back the main point of the first post was how the ops friends had treated her and that she felt some friends became unreliable after she had her children. I think your point is that some people just dont like children. I doubt that anybody is denying it but not liking children isnt much of an excuse for this kind of behaviour or for turning your back on a friendship. How many times do these people expect their friends to go to a bar they dont want to or see a film there not interested in because friends do that sort of thing for each other? I think children deserves a lot more consideration than what the ops friends have given her credit for.

lostinnappies

SarahSassy wrote: »

Ah no dont worry we will be too busy to notice out enjoying ourselves

I sware you have the same attitude as the friend who told me no to bother coming out if i cant come out now. Are you her sister? Brother?

You sound like you come from the same narrow minded self centered backround as her, sorry to be personal about it but you have repeatedly attcked me in these posts.

If you cant be constructive dont bother adding nonsence in.

lostinnappies

Ive come to the conculsion that there are selfish unbending people out there who will want you to do everything for them but when it comes to them doing something for you its a big problem. I dont need one sided relationships like that in my life, i have enough to do. So its best to let them leave my life perminently and find friends of character and backbone.

To that end thank you all for your advice and support it has helped me see passed the anger and view it in cold reality. I especially want to thank cool chick,the glass woman,favouriteslave, marti101 for actually sticking up for me .

Nevyn

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marti101

No probs lostinnappies us mums have to stick together after all we have no other friends sob.

Nevyn

Actually I have very few friends who have children and are currently rearing them and they are not living in dublin at all and I have coped the last 10 years the last 8 of those as a stay at home Mam.

This site was an absolute god send for being able to interact with other adults who only conversations were their kids and east enders, which is why I asked for the parenting forum to be created.

Yes, kids are a lot of hands on physical work when they are small and it can get you down
esp when your friends don't understand. Lets face it we have gone from a society were everyone had some contact with children from their own siblings, nieces and nephews, cousins and extended family to a one in which people can go a whole year with out interacting with a child.

Ok fair enough if they choose that but it just seems to happen, it's like it's grown upland and kidland and never the two shall meet were as it used to be about families.

Yes there are the extremes on both end those who choose to live a child free existence and don't want kids and are totally child intolerant; and on the other end those who pander to and idolislise their children and at the same time spoil and neglect them.

I have found over the years that I have friends that I meet up with and go out with
and then there are those who are not just my friends but my children's freinds as well.
Who want to spend time with not just me but my brats also and be in their lives and have funny and cool conversations with them.

I think a lot of people just are not used to interacting with children any more.

lostinnappies

Thaedydal wrote: »

Actually I have very few friends who have children and are currently rearing them and they are not living in dublin at all and I have coped the last 10 years the last 8 of those as a stay at home Mam.

This site was an absolute god send for being able to interact with other adults who only conversations were their kids and east enders, which is why I asked for the parenting forum to be created.

I agree, im becoming addicted to this site lol.

paperclip2

You want to see friends scarper when a baby arrives? Do what I did and have one in college at the age of 19!

I fully agree that people can choose how and who with to spend their time. And definately a lot of people who have yet to spawn (gotta love that word!) are really put off by the idea of other peoples children and the whole arena of responsibility they represent.

But I think if you care about your friends and this applies to the parent and non parent you reach a compromise and you maybe work a little harder at fitting your mates into your life. You make time for them, you respect the space they're coming from, which for me as the parent means listening to the latest Cosmo articles and making the effort to go to see SATC, and digging out my old enthusiasm for goss on who is sleeping with who in the old gang. For my mates it means being prepared to learn the words to the Bob the Builder theme tune, and be prepared to find Nutella smeared all over everything they own when they come to visit.
We do these things if we care about this person and if we aren't prepared to do them then it gives food for thought about whether both of you really want the 'friendship' to continue.

At the end of the day I love my sprogs, they will come first, they kinda have to. I have and do make an effort to keep up with my friends as outlined above but no it doesn't always work out. But at least I feel that I've given it the best shot and can let the friendship go peacefully into the good night hoping that some day it might work its way back around when it suits all of us.

di11on

I'm a dad and this is my perspective.

When you have a child, you have brought a brand new individual into the world - a new person, the like of which has never been seen before and will never exist again in the future - an individual that shares half your genetic material... and you're responsible for this new person and you have the awesome privilege to watch them grow, see their personalities emerge and receive love and affection from them.

This is a life altering experience. It changes the centre of your universe... this cataclysmic experience alters your perspective on the world. What mattered before, pales into insignificance with this new role you are playing in the world. Your sense of importance is derived from this new role and what was important before seems empty.

There are two worlds - the one before you were a mummy and the one after. Someone who hasn't had children can't understand how perspective altering the experience is, and it's unreasonable to expect them to, I suppose. Also, perhaps there are people who want to be in your world but aren't there yet and resent it a little. Still more, they may see your world, not understand it, but think sooner or later they'll be in it, and they're scared - they're afraid of what you represent.

There's no point beating people with a stick trying to make them understand just how wonderful it is to be a parent. It's something you can only discover when you get there yourself. Best thing to do is share this joy with people who understand... like us :-) Just accept that for many non parents, you have departed for an alien world and you speak a different language.

My experience is though, there are close, good friends, that even if they don't understand, they accept that this is your new life and try to stay involved. They know what your kids mean to you and they understand that you now respond 10 times more to acts of kindness to your kids than to yourself. They are the friends who you want to keep :-) The others... leave them to it :-)

Quality

Boards Baby Beers Sounds interesting...

I never found any difference when I had my kids, my personality never changed, I had a baby at 19.. I couldnt go out every weekend with my friends, I couldnt just drop everything and go out with them.. But when I did I made the most of it. Let my hair down and enjoyed myself when I could.

Most of my friends are having babies now or are pregnant or trying and I am like the matriarch of the group. Any questions or queries and I get a call.. ITs great..:)

Dont worry Lostinapples.. Their time will come, your kids will be raised, and while they are up to their necks in nappies you will be starting to enjoy a bit more freedom again..:D

lostinnappies

ty di11on and quality, you are both very right and i guess ill have to just accept there are some out there who dont like kids or arent willing to put up with other peoples children. However there are some who are more then willing and dont care if they get covered in crap ... like some on this thread.:D