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Unreliable friends once you become a mum

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    #62
    LolaDub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,181 ✭✭✭LolaDub


    At least someone suggested they took it to pm!

    Parenting forum is fantastic. I suppose i've been a bit disappointed with friends after baby but i've been surprised too. I've a number of friends that i haven't seen pretty much since i had my girl and i've others (well one) who is constantly offering to babysit or come over and tidy or cook for me. Another friend and i meet up and do the weekly shopping together and go for lunch after.

    I think the difference between being a good friend of a mother and a bad friend is being supportive. Some people turn their backs and thats when offence gets caused. A couple of phone calls and i hope baby is well etc can go a long way! Theres plenty of opportunities to meet a mother but people don't take them into account. Single people don't drink 24/7 either so its not hard to meet outside of a pub


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    #63
    lostinnappies
    Closed Accounts Posts: 827 ✭✭✭lostinnappies


    Can you imagine what it would be like for a single parent, i have the upmost repect for single parents its a hard job when you have a partner never mind to be on your own and possabley have friends like mine.


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    #64
    LolaDub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,181 ✭✭✭LolaDub


    I am a single parent!


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    #65
    di11on
    Registered Users Posts: 1,262 ✭✭✭di11on


    Quality wrote: »
    Boards Baby Beers Sounds interesting...

    Yeah... +1 for this idea - that would be great! Where? When? :-)


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    #66
    stovelid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,252 ✭✭✭✭stovelid


    How Strange wrote: »
    OP, I can see both sides of this. I don't have kids and while I've no problem spending some time with friends with kids while their kids are there I've found that when you do those friends spend the whole time distracted by what their little darlings are a) putting in their mouths, b) eating, c) whatever else they're getting up to.

    Their little darlings are not capable of feeding (or fending for) themselves so they have to be fed or they starve.

    Maybe you need new friends that can devote every minute of the day to your needs.


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    #67
    LolaDub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,181 ✭✭✭LolaDub


    I can't help but wonder how the posters in opposition to the OP would feel if they learned when they were born their mothers friends cut off from them, left them without support and friendship and upset them to this degree with such nasty behaviour? Or their sister suddenly had no friends because she did a very unselfish thing by becoming a parent.


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    #68
    the glass woman
    Closed Accounts Posts: 361 ✭✭the glass woman


    lostinnappies wrote: »
    Ive come to the conculsion that there are selfish unbending people out there who will want you to do everything for them but when it comes to them doing something for you its a big problem. I dont need one sided relationships like that in my life, i have enough to do. So its best to let them leave my life perminently and find friends of character and backbone.

    To that end thank you all for your advice and support it has helped me see passed the anger and view it in cold reality. I especially want to thank cool chick,the glass woman,favouriteslave, marti101 for actually sticking up for me :D.

    You're more than welcome. You've given me a wealth of advice in other threads. If you ever want to PM, email or anything then feel free and we should def work on getting the mums together!


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    #69
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    di11on wrote: »
    Yeah... +1 for this idea - that would be great! Where? When? :-)

    New thread started.

    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055346350


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    #70
    Iago
    Registered Users Posts: 6,638 ✭✭✭Iago


    personally I think this thread should be merged with this one...

    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055345914

    then you could try and see everyone's viewpoint


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    #71
    LolaDub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,181 ✭✭✭LolaDub


    That thread was started after this one when a poster didn't get the answer she wanted. That one starts with a poster saying its unfair her friends have changed after having kids this one starts with a specific experience of a parent suffering bad behaviour from their friends because they weren't always available. They're different threads. I'm pretty sure OP and other posters can see that a single person doesn't want to spend all their time around children but theres no need to turn malicious when a parent can't come out all the time if friends don't want to see children.


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    #72
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    They are different threads and the context is differnt due to it being in another forum.


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    #73
    kelle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,243 ✭✭✭kelle


    lostinnappies wrote: »
    I had one friend say to me "if you cant come out today dont bother coming out again" I was soo upset and angry that i nearly lost the plot.
    Oh, my God, that's one "friend" you could do without. She sounds so self-centred, I'm certain she would say the same if you were diagnosed with cancer and were unable to come out because you were exhausted while undergoing treatment.
    I wouldn't knock a Parent and toddler group. You will have cliquey sorts there, but there will be a lot of lonely mums just desperate to get to know others in the same situation. Our local group organises outings, and nights out for the mums.
    And, if you live in Dublin, the picnic suggested by Thaedyday sounds excellent...


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    #74
    marti101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 954 ✭✭✭marti101


    We dont expect people to be around our kids all the time but they are the most important things to us and they need us.I bet the same girl who did this to lostinnappies would probably have no bother dumping you if something better came along.Sometimes when you have kids stuff comes up that you cant help.So they should be a bit more understanding.I try not talk about my kids but when thy do something for the 1st time whats wrong in wanting your friend to share it with.I have 3 ds 12,13 and 5 months so im in effect starting again,i know being out of work and out of the loop does when you are sitting there and 1 day goes in to another day without you realising.Im not to bab cause the kids being off i can go off for the day and not be to worried when i will be back for school.


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    #75
    r3nu4l
    Registered Users Posts: 17,399 ✭✭✭✭r3nu4l


    Hmm! Sounds like your friend is being a little OTT to be honest. On the other hand, when I visit friends who have children I find that I can't have the conversations I want to have with them because those little ears are amazingly brilliant at picking up words, phrases and conversations that they are not meant to pick up! :)

    I don't mean swearing. I'm talking about more delicate conversations that either are adult in nature or require discretion...something kids know nothing about, bless em :)

    So on a few occasions when I've met friends for coffee and they have their kids with them, my friend may be distracted or we can't talk about what we want to talk about etc. It is very frustrating. However, if your friend can't make an exception every now and then, well, that's not really on.


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    #76
    Demonique
    Registered Users Posts: 2,825 ✭✭✭Demonique


    beth-lou wrote: »
    It can be lonely being a Mother, but eventually they will all be in the same boat.

    Eh, excuse me? They'll all be in the same boat? You know, this may be a shock to you, but not every woman will have or even want their own children. My fiance and I hope to have our own some day, but some of our friends are childfree by choice and I find comments such as the one above patronising and rude.


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    #77
    kizzyr
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,410 ✭✭✭kizzyr


    ChickCool wrote: »
    No need to resort to personal jibes. The thread isnt about people not wanting to be around kids or babysitting them its about how the ops friends have treated her because shes not 120% available all the time.

    If you every time you had to cancel with someone because you were ied up with work, ill, had to meet someone else, late or any other legitamate reason your friends went beserk and told you if you dont come now then dont speak to me again wouldnt you be a bit ticked off?

    Ultimately we only have the OPs point of view on this.
    I am childless (may opt to stay that way permanently:D) and 31 years old. I have 6 nieces and nephews and I adore them. I love to visit my sisters, spend time with the kids, get to know them as they grow up, play with them, help out with babysitting etc. Some of my friends have children too and while I like their kids none will ever come close to the ones I'm related to! I think thats normal though.
    However, in that group of friends some have changed totally, one even went so far as to tell me she felt sorry for me not having a child as I could never ever hope to know what real love was unless I had one. I hit the roof with that statement as it totally undermined the love I have for my parents, family, partner. This particular woman is all baby baby baby baby and on and on it goes. I have to say our friendship has all but disappeared as a result.
    With some of my other friends, I'm happy to call to their house to visit and know that their kids will be there equally they are happy to meet me in grown up restaurants at night without their kids. I understand that there will be times children get sick and arrangements have to be changed suddenly.

    If the OP had true, real friends then they wouldn't all have disappeared once she had children, one or two maybe but not all. As they have all fallen by the wayside then you have to ask about either the quality of the friendship or are we being told the whole truth about the situation by the OP? Is she being as flexible as she says she is with her friends? Is she really not doing the baby did this baby did that chat?


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    #78
    lostinnappies
    Closed Accounts Posts: 827 ✭✭✭lostinnappies


    kizzyr wrote: »
    Ultimately we only have the OPs point of view on this.
    I am childless (may opt to stay that way permanently:D) and 31 years old. I have 6 nieces and nephews and I adore them. I love to visit my sisters, spend time with the kids, get to know them as they grow up, play with them, help out with babysitting etc. Some of my friends have children too and while I like their kids none will ever come close to the ones I'm related to! I think thats normal though.
    However, in that group of friends some have changed totally, one even went so far as to tell me she felt sorry for me not having a child as I could never ever hope to know what real love was unless I had one. I hit the roof with that statement as it totally undermined the love I have for my parents, family, partner. This particular woman is all baby baby baby baby and on and on it goes. I have to say our friendship has all but disappeared as a result.
    With some of my other friends, I'm happy to call to their house to visit and know that their kids will be there equally they are happy to meet me in grown up restaurants at night without their kids. I understand that there will be times children get sick and arrangements have to be changed suddenly.

    If the OP had true, real friends then they wouldn't all have disappeared once she had children, one or two maybe but not all. As they have all fallen by the wayside then you have to ask about either the quality of the friendship or are we being told the whole truth about the situation by the OP? Is she being as flexible as she says she is with her friends? Is she really not doing the baby did this baby did that chat?

    The statment your friend made was out of order and untrue. Dont get me wrong i have one or two friends who do make an effort to come see me if i cant get out but the vast majority of them seem to think my life is over even though i dont. I rarely cancle, only if a baby sitter falls through or the kids are sick. I dont expect them to change their lives for me just cos my life has changed, but what i do expect of them is a little understanding that if i cant come out this week then i will be out the following. I make it a point to try to go out without the hubby and kids at least once a week. But they have just assumed that im not available or too busy (even though i have never said this to them, infact i have said im always up for a night out).

    Its gotten to the point now where i havent spoken to them in about two/three months. So i guess that, having grown appart, i will just have to develop new friendships. Its nice to know that there are other people out there who have experienced these things.


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    #79
    nesf
    Registered Users Posts: 27,645 ✭✭✭✭nesf


    Honestly, I don't see much of many of my friends since my son was born. I just don't make it out as much. It places strain on both sides of the friendship I think and while I've not lost any friends over it, it's definitely different to how it used to be.

    The thing is, I really don't expect any of my friends to drastically change anything to suit my timetable and I wouldn't really have time for any friend of mine who expected it either. My friends continue to go out on Friday and Saturday nights and I don't get to go out with them, mostly due to being too tired or just not in the mood after running around after a toddler all day. We've all just accepted it really as being the reality of having kids that people just can't make as much time for socialising as they might have been able to while childless.


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    #80
    Raiser
    Registered Users Posts: 4,929 ✭✭✭Raiser


    Any friends you have should be good company and considerate - and then continue to be good company and considerate regarding your children.

    - From your quotes your friends sounded like w@nkers [sorry], decent friends would love to meet somewhere child-friendly from time to time, and even ask how they're doing. To be honest often they're probably only asking to be polite, in a few years when they've had kids of their own they'll be asking out of a more empathetic interest ;)


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