Have your friends changed since they had kids?

SarahSassy

Following on from another post I was thinking about this and I do feel my friends have changed a lot since they had kids... I dont mean that they are busy and cant get out as much but more so because they have no huge interest in anything other than the kids and themselves..

Female friends I am talking about - the men seem to keep more perspective and can talk about things other than what the sprog ate last night....

Is anyone else in the same boat?

cobweb

I feel they are still the same people but that they are busier as now they have someone relying totally on them so they can't just up and go out when they want or stay out but its all good as they are still the same people and we still have the same deep friendship where if i need them they are there and vice versa I hope

I do think women go through this in different ways with their friends in their lives

when the new boyfriend appears
when they get married
when they have children

its just a part of life

LolaDub

I think its a bit lousy to say your friends have no other interest than themselves when they have kids. They don't take a selfish pill overnight, quite the opposite. They have a tiny person relying on them, and everything they do they have to consider the childs well being. A little bit more complicated that what to wear to the pub. If you feel they are more withdrawn why don't you try and get involved in their lives rather than expecting them to come find you. They might feel as their life doesn't centre around Sat night that you don't have much of an interest in them and could feel left out. You could take an interest in their children, offer to babysit, take the kids to the park for a short while or just call round. The children are probably in bed by 8 could easily have a bottle of wine and a chat etc.

SarahSassy

I do and have done all that incl the gooing and gaaing and listening to the contents of their nappy's but if I am to be totally honest with myself I do find them less interesting... Most of them are incredibly happy with their lot and thats fantastic... Just because they find parenthood endlessly interesting doesnt mean I have to.... I would never tell them or let on to them but its the truth...

Clare Bear

Peoples' priorities change when their life changes, be it kids, marriage, new job etc....that's life.

Loopy

I have 2 kids and a lot of my friends have kids but I have single friends too. Im not the type to talk about shitty nappies and all that stuff so it dosen't really affect me or my relationship with them.

When we go out I want to have sex talk;) and 'adult' stuff not about teeth coming up etc.

I adore my kids but can easily go a night without talking about them. Life certainly changes when you have them but it is possible to not let your life be taken over by them.. It really depends on the type of person you are.

marti101

I bet you talk about your job and that could be equally boring to them.

Quality

I find that now some of my friends have had kids, I have more in common with them...:D

They ring me more for advice and we can now do the knowing Mammy look at eachother.

Dudess

I've only two friends with children but they seem to enjoy the opportunity to have a break from them, so whenever I'm in their company they don't really go on about the kiddies unless I prompt them to.

metaoblivia

I don't have any friends who've had kids. I have a friend in Australia whose sister has two very young boys, and when I visited, I stayed with her (and her sister had moved back in with the boys), but that's as close as it gets right now.
I think people do change when they have kids. I think they have to. It's a big responsibility. I see no problem with maintaining a friendship, even though honestly, very small kids can be a nuisance. I'm an aunt of a niece and two nephews and I didn't find them very interesting until they entered primary school. I've never babysat them either. My brother knew better than to ask. I'm just not one for diapers, spit ups and crying.
After reading that, you may be surprised to find out that I'm a children's writer, and I actually get on very, very well with children. I live far away from my niece and nephews now, but they love it when I come visit because while all of the adults are talking, I'm playing with them, and we're making up stories and inventing games. If I were to go out with a friend who had a child over the age of 5 or 6, I would be more interested in playing and talking with their kid. Adults just talk about the most boring things, like work and their kids. Talking about kids is dull, talking with them is fascinating.

ChickCool

ive one friend with a kid,gorgeous little girl.if anything id say our friendship has gotten better since she had her girl.shes much more reliable and supportive of anything i do and her caring side has really come out.i went to the playground with her one day and had a great time,got some ice cream together and her little girl hugged me-was so sweet.im quite keen on my party nights but definately its a real gift to be with the kiddies just some people cant understand that.i can call/text my friend with any problem and shes always got some supportive advice.she doesnt get out as much but thats to be expected, with the price of babysitters im surprised shes out at all!!

mollybird

i know what your talking about. my best mate in the whole world has 3 kids. and when we were in secondary school we had some amazing nights at our local sports centre disco's. and when we finsihed school we used to have some great nights out too when i was home. but now it's been 4 years since ive gone out wiht her and it's really upset me. ive asked her to go out with me a few times but she always has some excuse but yet she will go out with her other mates who have kids or who are settled for a night out. now she is always been there for me when i needed her at home but socially i feel she wants nothing to do with me.

but i did find hope this summer. she is following in my footsteps and going to college as a mature student and i'm so proud of her. when she got married i never cried so much. i was trilled for her but this i knew was offically the end of the friend i had grown up with.

Glowing

I'd be more worried if my friends DIDN'T change after having kids!!

trio

I've found mine have - and it's really upset me. Specifically they only want to spend time with other mothers. It's like I'm the sort of girl they USED to be friends with, y'know? I feel like it's unspoken that I'm not in the club, I don't understand yadda yadda yadda. (So I don't understand what its like to have a child? Does that mean I'm suddenly not as valued a friend?)

They have all quit work for good, and spend their afternoons walking around parks together. I feel totally left out. I work 8.30 to 5, and can only see people at the weekends. How am I supposed to see a mother? Yet mothers are the first to insist that you must see them only when it's convenient for them, as they can't be spontaeneous with a baby. Basically it means that the onus for the entire future of the relationship lies at your feet. You're the one without the baby after all! The one with all the supposed "freedom"!

It's not as if I'm a partier - I live a quiet life with my husband - but it's more that they don't even text me anymore, whereas I know they regularly see other mothers.

It was a massive shock when one of my closest friends had a baby. I basically never heard from her again. It wasn't because of PND either - I'd have totally understood if it was. She just retreated into her bubble and even though I was getting married in a few months time, I never even got a phonecall. That was obviously small cheese compared to having a baby! But I was there for her in the run up to her wedding! I didn't expect hand-holding, but I did expect the odd phonecall. My Hen was in Dublin, quite civilised and quiet, just dinner - I honestly expected her to ask her husband or mother to babysit. She turned it down. That upset me a lot - all I was asking was 4 hours - she wasn't breastfeeding and the husband and mother was home.

Another friend has a one year old and I'm finding it a struggle to see her (I have to initiate it always and it always has to be over in her house which is quite a long drive away) and I'm also finding conversation to be a struggle. I spend an hour talking about her baby, but it wears me out. Can't we talk about other things also? Just for balance?? In desperation the other day I started talking about how I'm looking forward to seeing the new Batman movie - her response "Oh I've never heard of that one" :eek: I understand that her life is a bit smaller now, but doesn't she even listen to the radio???

So yeah, I do feel like some of my friendships have been damaged by it, and it's very stressful. I don't want to have to hold the entire friendship in my hands.

John Mason

Of course they have

but so have i, i am not the same person i was 5 five years.

Everybody changes as they move through different stages of life

i wouldnt never condemn my friends for having kids

All my friends kids call me "sort of auntie Irishbird"

i love those kids like they were my own, which is good cos i aint having any

stovelid

SarahSassy wrote: »

Following on from another post I was thinking about this and I do feel my friends have changed a lot since they had kids... I dont mean that they are busy and cant get out as much but more so because they have no huge interest in anything other than the kids and themselves..
Is anyone else in the same boat?

mollybird wrote: »

i know what your talking about. my best mate in the whole world has 3 kids. and when we were in secondary school we had some amazing nights at our local sports centre disco's. and when we finsihed school we used to have some great nights out too when i was home. but now it's been 4 years since ive gone out wiht her and it's really upset me. .

Maybe your friends are also tired of your inability to understand the route their life has taken and the fact that you expect them to exist for your convenience.

Nobody likes to hear a parent blindly going on about the kids all night, but if they are real friends, you can bet they have probably bitten their lip while you have went on about your job, relationships, and feelings, so maybe it's time to return the favour.

ChickCool wrote: »

ive one friend with a kid,gorgeous little girl.if anything id say our friendship has gotten better since she had her girl.shes much more reliable and supportive of anything i do and her caring side has really come out.i went to the playground with her one day and had a great time,got some ice cream together and her little girl hugged me-was so sweet.

I would also take an interest in my very close friend's kids too. If you are going to be close to your friends for the rest of your life, you are also going to see their kids grow up. It's natural to adapt your friendship as people change.

bills

some people talk about their kids all the time & cant talk about anything else which can be a little annoying. I suppose its hard to understand when you dont have kids. Its funny because im thinking of two people i know, one is alway talking about hers & the other hardly ever.

SarahSassy

trio wrote: »

Yet mothers are the first to insist that you must see them only when it's convenient for them, as they can't be spontaeneous with a baby. Basically it means that the onus for the entire future of the relationship lies at your feet. You're the one without the baby after all! The one with all the supposed "freedom"!

Actually more than them going on about this kids this is what bugs me... Trio, you verbalised what was actually annoying me....

JackieO

Of course people change when they have kids.

The most annoying thing I find with my friends who have kids is that:

1. you have to make all the time effort to go visit them as they suddenly become incapable of initiating any contact/meeting up themselves

and

2. Invariably you end up visiting them at home much more often. While thats not so bad, the kids are usually there and the hour or two you spend trying to have a conversation with them is wasted because they're not even listening to you anyway, they are so pre-occupied with the kids.

As I said, thats just my exerience - and I'll probably be the exact same myself some day if I ever do decide to have any!

Luuca

I agree with Trio and JackieO

My BF had a child last year and has completely changed.... for the worse

We have a very large group of friends and the gang have always gone out the first Saturday night in every month for the past 10 years but now she requires that we ring her to remind her about the night out 2 weeks before we actually go out and she gets angry if we dont.
She never lets anyone pick up the child in case the child might catch something from us
When she does go out she talks about her kid all night and if we discuss anything other than children her eyes glaze over.

We all have kids by the way but the rest of us rather go out and talk about something else other than children

cuckoo

My feelings on this one are a little complex as I'd rather like to be in a settled relationship, and have a few of the ankle biters myelf.

It appears to me that motherhood/married are the things that people feel it's ok to almost boast about.

I wouldn't dream of flaunting a career success/extravagant purchase i made/intellectual achievement in the way that friends of mine will flash their married status and child bearing ability.

Maybe i notice it more as they have a thing i want, and I wouldn't bat an eyelid if they were showing me the 25th photo in a row of their new car.

Or, maybe i'll be just the same when i have kids and will hang a 'baby on board' sign not just on a car but also all over my own life.

Yeah and while i didnt necessarily like the change she will help me through it one day and tbh like was said before she needed to otherwise i'd be worried

Dudess

mollybird wrote: »

when she got married i never cried so much. i was trilled for her but this i knew was offically the end of the friend i had grown up with.

Well whatever about kids changing a woman, I don't think marriage necessarily does.

Ivicia

Dudess wrote: »

Well whatever about kids changing a woman, I don't think marriage necessarily does.

I agree that kids do change people. Myself and a friend of mine use to give out about the amount of baby talk we had to put with. She had a kid a year ago and when I ring to ask how she is - she tells me how well the child slept last night.

In the pub she's constantly ringing home or making people look at pics on her phone.

In relation to the comment above have none of your married 'female' friends said they have to check with himself to see if she's free next week!!:rolleyes:

Madame Razz

Whatever about kids.....

Two of my friends have met and got engaged to guys within a year of meeting their respective other halfs.

And they both have changed COMPLETELY!!!!

I dread to think what'll happen when the kids come along!!

MILF

Im a mum to two children and none of my close friends have kids and I think its a bit selfish for you to say that you find them less interesting. I think you might be mixing it up with not having this one thing in common with them so, if and when children come up, you can't relate to their stories.
What's gonna happen when you have kids? Will you dare to talk about your kids on a night out/in with the girls?
If you had something that is as all-consuming as kids, you'd quickly find that a simple converstation about something could trigger a memory that involves your kids and you'd find yourself talking about them.
I think the saying "unless you have kids, you don't understand" should be a applied here.

Dudess

Oh... you're in for it now, MILF!

That particular phrase has been known to cause anger - furious anger - on this forum!

Nah, I agree completely. I don't have kids but are people not aware of how hard it is? Here's a post from a Personal Issues thread which might give you an idea (note: having kids is an amazing, joyous experience too - not trying to take away from that):

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=56679156&postcount=2

I can see how it's gonna be kinda grating to hear women go on and on and on about their kids, but I don't think, cuckoo, it's appropriate to liken that to going on about your new car or whatever. Getting a new car is great, but having a baby is life-changing and a profoundly emotional experience.

And also, this is not an assumption, rather speculation (and not directed at any poster in particular): is there a tiny bit of envy there?

Women going on and on about their kids wouldn't be my cup of tea - it's understandable but they should remember others will not share their enthusiasm. Women not being able to socialise and expecting allowances to be made for them (in terms of babysitting etc) - that seems fair enough to me. Women with a new baby associating more with their fellow mums than their childless friends - a bit thoughtless, but human nature. This new person takes over your entire life and it's natural to gravitate towards those who can give support and advice and indeed who share your circumstances.

MILF

Im no directing that phrase at any one person in particular!!
I'm just trying to make the point that unless u have kids, you wont know what its like to be consumed all day every day with them and that's the reason parents are more likely to chat about them then other things!!
(BACKPEDALLING FURIOUSLY!!!)

newestUser

Dudess wrote: »

Oh... you're in for it now, MILF!
And also, this is not an assumption, rather speculation (and not directed at any poster in particular): is there a tiny bit of envy there?

Yep, what I was thinking as well.

I also don't think that because someone doesn't want to go out on a Saturday night, it means they've totally changed as a person.

Maybe people are confusing drinking buddies with close friends.

I dunno. Not aiming this at anyone in particular, and I don't claim for a second to have a great deal of insight into these situations.

Chinafoot

JackieO wrote: »

Of course people change when they have kids.

The most annoying thing I find with my friends who have kids is that:

1. you have to make all the time effort to go visit them as they suddenly become incapable of initiating any contact/meeting up themselves

and

2. Invariably you end up visiting them at home much more often. While thats not so bad, the kids are usually there and the hour or two you spend trying to have a conversation with them is wasted because they're not even listening to you anyway, they are so pre-occupied with the kids.

As I said, thats just my exerience - and I'll probably be the exact same myself some day if I ever do decide to have any!

I bet you will, because when you have them you'll soon realise how difficult it can be to organise getting a child and all the things they need (particularly when they are babies) together in order to go and meet friends for a few hours before having to cart everything back. Life does revolve around the kids for the first while. It's very unfair to think they're selfish.

A very good friend of mine recently had a baby. Has she changed? Absolutely. Is it a bad change? Nope. She's grown up. She's reached a different stage in her life where her priorities have changed. She has a tiny little person whose entire being rests solely on her and her husband. Of course she's not going to be hitting the pub with me and of course she's going to tallk about her child as that is what how she spends her day. Do you think she's enthralled by my work stories? Of course she isn't but she's a good friend who will happily listen to me waffle away just like I do for her.

Becoming a mother can be terribly isolating depending on the levels of support the parents have. My friend is Swedish, has no family here and her husband had to go back to work pretty soon after their little boy was born. I make an effort to go see her and save her the hassle of trying to organise herself and the baby to get on a bus for 30 minutes to come see me for a few hours. If I don't she spends most of her time cooped up with just the baby. I know this isn't typical of everyone but it's something to consider when you're moaning about having to get in the car or get on the bus to go and see your friend.

SarahSassy, as I said to you on the last thread you started about this...I'd love to see you when you have a baby because I genuinely think you'd have a complete attitude change when you realise that it's hard bloody work that consumes your entire life for the first while. I reckon you'll be on here giving out that your childless friends don't make an effort anymore.

cuckoo

Chinafoot wrote: »

Of course she's not going to be hitting the pub with me and of course she's going to tallk about her child as that is what how she spends her day. Do you think she's enthralled by my work stories? Of course she isn't but she's a good friend who will happily listen to me waffle away just like I do for her.

Chinafoot has hit the nail on the head for me there. I do understand that the first while with a baby is overwhelming, and it's part of the 'give' of friendship to listen to the breastfeeding stories. But....sooner or later, i'm going to wonder when the friendship will have time for me to get some 'take'. My life and interests don't stop when my friends have children - and it is hurtful when they continue to act as if the world revolves around their bundles of joy, that I stop existing except to be a receptive audience to the stories of motherhood.

If, for instance, someone were to bring a conversation about the Lisbon Treaty around to their children (for the umpteenth time), i wouldn't be too pushed about spending time with them. And, that's life, friendships change, and we move in and out of each others lives.

So, parents who say that their childless friends don't make the effort should have a look at their own behaviour - i've known parents with multiples, with sick children, with tricky difficult stuff going on in their lives that still could do the 'give' and 'take' of friendship.