Telling prospective flat mate/s;

Boston

So I'm in the process of looking for a flat share, and the thorny question of how / when to tell the prospective flat mate/s that I'm not straight is very present in my mind. So far my approach has been to say it at the viewing, if and only if I was really interested in the room. The logic being that if its going to be a problem, best not to waste each others time .

That said its been a bit of a pain in the ass telling random strangers and It may be seen as way too forward and putting off people who otherwise wouldn't have a problem. I'm tempted to start putting it in my initial response to adds that that way it won't be a worry, but I'm dubious about doing that.

Any advice or view points would be welcome.

tin_can_ted

I don't see any need to tell them tbh unless you actually plan on sharing a bedroom or something.

I'd be a bit freaked out if someone just said to me "I'm gay btw" just out of the blue on our first meeting.

Don't really know if that helps you all that much though.

Boston

If you accept that your house /flat mate will find out eventually unless you hide it* then it becomes necessary to tell them in order to avoid hurt feelings. Also imagine you've signed a year long lease and the person has some serious problem with your sexuality. Someone finding out by coming down to breakfast some morning and seeing another guy is probably the worst way.

*hiding it means being constantly paranoid

Fatloss08

if that person or persons have a problem with you being gay then there the homophobes with the issue , speaking from a hethrosexual perspective , if i had a gay lodger i wouldnt care to be honest , as long as there not at it at kitchen table , obviously thats kept to there room etc

but putting that in the ad wont gaurantee that they read it all , like when im selling things etc , i put where i am , how much , lowest price but i still get the , where you living whats yer lowest etc questions

i wouldnt say anything to be honest , i mean straight people dont go in looking at rooms and say " oh by the way im straight " , whats sexual orientation got to do with accomodation , worry about it if it becomes a prob

azezil

I've never felt the need to tell my flatmates about my sexuality, I don't hide it from them, if they ask where I'm going on a night out, I'll tell them. I don't see it as an issue.

MicraBoy

Although I haven't rented since I came out I have been on the other side. i.e. the one seeking a house mate. I have to say I chickened out a bit because I tended to advertise on places like Gaire or Daft and declared it a "Gay Friendly" house. This pretty much ensures you only get gay people answering the advert unfortunately.

I think you have to play it by ear with each situation. I don't think you are obliged to say anything but practically speaking it may avoid some tensions later.

One thing to remember is that in 90% of cases you tell people you are gay there is some sort of awkwardness. This can be fleeting or long lasting. If you tell them up front or after you have the room there will still be an awkward moment, so I don't think you are saving yourself anything by having to declare yourself.

I do recommend not letting them find out at the breakfast table though.

anotherlostie

I suppose there are lots of things that other people might have an issue with.

Let's imagine you are straight and you are dating a Muslim girl. Do you tell them this at interview stage in case they are Islamophobic? The list could go on.

I would take a softly softly approach. If I find a place I like, great, I take it. As I then get to know my flatmates, I can tell them (and I am being a real hypocrite here as someone who lived in the closet with 2 people for 5 years, one of whom was in there with me as it turned out ).

I think there are very few people who would ask you to leave if and when you told them, if that is what you are worried about.

ixoy

When we were looking for a flatmate it was at a time when my then bf was moving in. We were able to handle the situation on the basis that three guys, in two bedrooms, should make it clear. No issues from any of the prospective flatmates.
When we were then escaping the place a year later, a number of the people visiting to see the room were gay and said as much either by directly declaring it or making comments on whether my bf came with the room....

tin_can_ted

Where a tight T shirt and say that everything is fabulous when going to view the place.

That'll let them for you

drunkmonkey

tin_can_ted wrote: »

Where a tight T shirt and say that everything is fabulous when going to view the place.

That'll let them for you

Brilliant idea, go dressed as gay as possible, let your hands go all limp and giggle a lot, they'll definatly know your gay so you won't have to tell them unless they mention it....

If you were going to rent a room off me I'd like you to let me know your gay....i probably wouldn't rent you the room to be honest, that's not me be homophobic I would just prefer to live with straight guys for social reasons....saying that you could be a good laugh to have around....all depends on personality.....

I see your problem, best way to deal with is to be staright up with your potential flatmates at the start....some gay guys i've met have told me there gay before they told me there name, that really bugs me......if it was me in your position I wouldn't mention it until it's brought up.......:rolleyes: If you have a boyfriend you better mention it....

azezil

I suppose it really depends what you're looking for when you go to rent a place, when I go to rent a place I just see it as renting the room, I'm not looking to befriend the person I live with or even give a crap who they are, sure I'll stop for a chat if they wish to initiate it but generally I'm out and about a lot, so whenever I'm home I just stay in my room browsing the net or playing computer games.

I suppose because of this I don't feel the need to tell them I'm gay.

swiss

I don't see that you should announce it either, I didn't to any of my prospective housemates when I was looking for a gaff in Dublin last year. Though interestingly enough when one prospective landlord asked me "Anything else I should know about you?" with a slightly awkward questioning air I just let him know that I was gay (though in that instance I think he was sussing out whether I used drugs or something - like I was going to announce it if I did).

If they bring up something like an understanding about bringing girls back, or something with relevance like that, then you might mention that you're gay. Otherwise I wouldn't bother.

L1011

drunkmonkey wrote: »

If you were going to rent a room off me I'd like you to let me know your gay....i probably wouldn't rent you the room to be honest, that's not me be homophobic I would just prefer to live with straight guys for social reasons....saying that you could be a good laugh to have around....all depends on personality.....

Thats being very conclusionary... I'm gay, virtually all my friends are straight, I prefer to go to my local than any of the gay bars/clubs, go to football far more often than most 'straight lad' football fans would, into cars, into music that wouldn't be seen as gay at all. The idea that because someone is gay that they're going to be impossible/difficult to / incompatible socially is very 1980s. They're not all going to bore you to death with treatises on hair products, fill the bathroom with facial cleansers and sit there drinking vodka and cranberry when you're trying to watch a game!

Boston

anotherlostie wrote: »

I suppose there are lots of things that other people might have an issue with.

Let's imagine you are straight and you are dating a Muslim girl. Do you tell them this at interview stage in case they are Islamophobic? The list could go on.

Thats a fair point. I guess my real problem is that I'm coming from a situation where I have kept it quiet (living at home) so I'd rather get it out there and remove the temptation to hide it. The agonising over whether or not to tell someone is head wrecking and I'd like to avoid it.

tin_can_ted wrote: »

Where a tight T shirt and say that everything is fabulous when going to view the place.

That'll let them for you

cringe, in all seriousness I'm probably one of the straightest appearing guys you could meet. So I don't think expecting others to pick up on it visually will work.

drunkmonkey wrote: »

If you were going to rent a room off me I'd like you to let me know your gay....i probably wouldn't rent you the room to be honest, that's not me be homophobic I would just prefer to live with straight guys for social reasons....saying that you could be a good laugh to have around....all depends on personality.....

What exactly do you mean by social reasons?

azezil wrote: »

I suppose it really depends what you're looking for when you go to rent a place, when I go to rent a place I just see it as renting the room, I'm not looking to befriend the person I live with or even give a crap who they are, sure I'll stop for a chat if they wish to initiate it but generally I'm out and about a lot, so whenever I'm home I just stay in my room browsing the net or playing computer games.

I suppose because of this I don't feel the need to tell them I'm gay.

Thats a fair point. I've no idea what I want out of a flat mate bar no hassle.

Goodshape

MYOB wrote: »

Thats being very conclusionary...

But when you've got a long list of potential flat mates and one of them might be the type to bore you to death with treatises on hair products.. I can, unfortunately, empathise with drunkmonkey's train of thought.

I'd agree with swizz and azezil here anyway. Mention it if it's relevant to the questions or conversation... but otherwise I'd reckon you're going to know the types of people you want to share a flat with, and the type of people who are likely to have an actual problem when it "comes up in conversation" after you've got the room, without needing to declare anything at the door.


I went through this last year looking for a place. In the end I actually got myself a studio apartment (having your own place FTW ) but when looking at a flatshare it largely depended on my mood at the time and/or my impressions of the people whether or not I mentioned anything.

drunkmonkey

Boston wrote: »

What exactly do you mean by social reasons?

I mean I prefer to go out with guys who like girls if I can...

Boston if your new flatmates ever bring up your sexuality just tell them your a monkey and you like to swing......;)

Monkey would never stick himself in a gay/bi/straight box:D

Boston

I'm very confused by that, whats going out with someone got to do with finding a flat mate.

So the general consensus is that its probably not something you have to mention right off the bat.

I don't see how you have to announce it. If they ask, tell them, otherwise there shouldn't be a need. Speaking from the straight perspective, I would have no problem if a housemate was gay as long as they weren't going at it in front of me. I wouldn't be like that with my girlfriend, as nobody really wants to see that, so I would expect the same.

drunkmonkey

Boston wrote: »

I'm very confused by that, whats going out with someone got to do with finding a flat mate.

I mean for beers when yere all sitting around doing sweet fa, you've got to be friends in the house with similar enough intrests and most guys like girls it's taken for granted.....think op is right 2 completley different trains of thought going on here....
i'm used to living with straight blokes and prefer it that way, we often had lads move in or out, if we tought somone was gay he wouldn't make the short list...if we though he was straight and then he started bringin blokes home the whole thing changes, i've been in this positon and peoples feelings get hurt....would you not prefer to be in a gay friendly house? It would be a lot easier pull...

How would you know it's a gay-friendly house though, without either knowing them personally or asking them

Goodshape

drunkmonkey wrote: »

I mean for beers when yere all sitting around doing sweet fa, you've got to be friends in the house with similar enough intrests and most guys like girls it's taken for granted.....think op is right 2 completley different trains of thought going on here....
i'm used to living with straight blokes and prefer it that way, we often had lads move in or out, if we tought somone was gay he wouldn't make the short list...if we though he was straight and then he started bringin blokes home the whole thing changes, i've been in this positon and peoples feelings get hurt....would you not prefer to be in a gay friendly house? It would be a lot easier pull...

While I do empathise, as I said, I certainly don't think your correct. I just think your thought process is an unfortunate reality in many people.

Thinking you won't get on with somebody simply because they're gay is extremely narrow-minded, imo. You really have to take individuals for who they are... not based on your misguided preconceptions.

the_syco

Boston wrote: »

So I'm in the process of looking for a flat share

Dude, unless you're looking for an apartment and a f**k buddy, I don't see why you should tell them.

Oh, and they may think you're coming onto them if you tell them:eek:

[sarc] "Yes, I want to move in. BTW, I'm gay, so I'll be banging guys like the duracell rabbit on speed, 24/7"[/sarc]

My point: there are some things people don't want to know.

drunkmonkey

Goodshape wrote: »

While I do empathise, as I said, I certainly don't agree with you or think your correct. I just think your thought process is an unfortunate reality in many people.

Thinking you won't get on with somebody simply because they're gay is extremely narrow-minded

I never said anything about not getting on with gay guys, there's a good few gay guys I get one well with....your opinion is an unfortunate reality with some gay thinking.....empathise all you want...

I just don't want any gay luvin in the house, it's just personal prefrence....your more than welcome to bang your brains out in the garden....

saw this on gumtree seems these 2 gay guys are narrow minded when it comes to couples......http://www.gumtree.ie/dublin/62/26811262.html What have single gay guys got against couples? Probably the exact same thing as single straight guys...:D

Boston what kind of people do you want to live with, lesbians, girls, gays, straight guys, couples, sports nuts, ravers, smokers, drinkers, night owls, early risers, any personal prefrences yourself? It's not all about them accepting you!

meglome

Firstly if you're getting a stranger in then go for a girl, less potential hassle all round. Less likely to be weird about you being gay. It is a bit strange to be saying "Hello I'm Boston and I'm gay" to someone you've just met while they're viewing your apartment. Personally as long as my ex (gay) flatmate wasn't having sex in my bed i didn't care and I'd like to think most other people wouldn't either.

Boston

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't see how you have to announce it. If they ask, tell them, otherwise there shouldn't be a need. Speaking from the straight perspective, I would have no problem if a housemate was gay as long as they weren't going at it in front of me. I wouldn't be like that with my girlfriend, as nobody really wants to see that, so I would expect the same.

Theres probably lots of things you wouldn't do with your partner which someone else would have no problem doing with theirs.

drunkmonkey wrote: »

I mean for beers when yere all sitting around doing sweet fa, you've got to be friends in the house with similar enough intrests and most guys like girls it's taken for granted.....think op is right 2 completley different trains of thought going on here....
i'm used to living with straight blokes and prefer it that way, we often had lads move in or out, if we tought somone was gay he wouldn't make the short list...if we though he was straight and then he started bringin blokes home the whole thing changes, i've been in this positon and peoples feelings get hurt....would you not prefer to be in a gay friendly house? It would be a lot easier pull...

While its your place and you can absolutely use whatever criteria you want, thats pretty narrow and smacks of never actually getting to know any gay people. You and the people you live with are exactly why I was telling people right off the bat. The first sign you'd have I wasn't straight was when you saw me scoring a guy.

Boston what kind of people do you want to live with, lesbians, girls, gays, straight guys, couples, sports nuts, ravers, smokers, drinkers, night owls, early risers, any personal prefrences yourself? It's not all about them accepting you!

Yes, but this thread is.

ellenmelon

drunkmonkey wrote: »

I never said anything about not getting on with gay guys, there's a good few gay guys I get one well with....your opinion is an unfortunate reality with some gay thinking.....empathise all you want...

I just don't want any gay luvin in the house, it's just personal prefrence....your more than welcome to bang your brains out in the garden....

saw this on gumtree seems these 2 gay guys are narrow minded when it comes to couples......http://www.gumtree.ie/dublin/62/26811262.html What have single gay guys got against couples? Probably the exact same thing as single straight guys...:D

Boston what kind of people do you want to live with, lesbians, girls, gays, straight guys, couples, sports nuts, ravers, smokers, drinkers, night owls, early risers, any personal prefrences yourself? It's not all about them accepting you!

You're doing a terrible job at hiding your blatant homophobia in this thread.

ellenmelon

Boston- Depending on the circumstances (ie whether you're interviewing potential flatmates or being interviewed yourself), I think you should try tell them somehow. It's obviously important to you that you be honest from the get go and even though you shouldn't have to say it there are those who would be put off by your sexuality unfortunately. It's up to you though..so thats just my .02c

anotherlostie

ellenmelon wrote: »

You're doing a terrible job at hiding your blatant homophobia in this thread.

I agree 100%! I always wonder how homophobes end up posting on gay forums. If your attitude towards gay people is that neanderthal, why would you read this stuff?

shewasoctober

I am currently in the same situation. For me, it is something I will be very forward with, but I have a girlfriend and wish to have flatmate/s who are comfortable with me having her spend the night. Also, I want flatmate/s who I can be friends with, not just people I live with.

So, I have been searching daft. When you search for an apartment share, you can type 'gay' in the property description box and it will give you all the apartment shares where your prospective flatmate/s are gay or gay-friendly. You can also place a team-up ad on there and state that you want to live with someone who is gay or gay-friendly. Other than that, I was going to be upfront from a distance, meaning stating it in my email or on the phone. Lucky for me, my situation has changed a bit, and I have found someone through the team-up database who is gay and wants to share.

Good luck!

ixoy

I was quite fortunate in some ways - my flatmate suggested that my bf move in which saved me having to bring it up.

Boston

shewasoctober wrote: »

I am currently in the same situation. For me, it is something I will be very forward with, but I have a girlfriend and wish to have flatmate/s who are comfortable with me having her spend the night. Also, I want flatmate/s who I can be friends with, not just people I live with.

So, I have been searching daft. When you search for an apartment share, you can type 'gay' in the property description box and it will give you all the apartment shares where your prospective flatmate/s are gay or gay-friendly. You can also place a team-up ad on there and state that you want to live with someone who is gay or gay-friendly. Other than that, I was going to be upfront from a distance, meaning stating it in my email or on the phone. Lucky for me, my situation has changed a bit, and I have found someone through the team-up database who is gay and wants to share.

Good luck!

Thats some seriously good advice, thank you, I'll give it a try.